Read this it will make you laugh
BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS
BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? "Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life! "Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life! "As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF! She was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeding motorists but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just mow lawns!).
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.' He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Insane jokes for everyone
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the Bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! As the husband puts a gun to the naked man's head, the wife shouts, Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, And HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the Husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, What would you do? The cabby replies, I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.
Have you found Jesus
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?' The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.' The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!' 'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.' Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. 'Your f****ng brother won't let me in without a tie!'
Breakfast.... Lunch..... and life is good again
THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE
Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Bob . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Bob replied: " Wrong room ."