Few short jokes just to start you laughing
A vicar books into a hotel and says to the blonde receptionist, "I do hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." 'No,' she says, 'it's just regular porn....you sick bastard.'
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
Friendship Among Women
A Woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she stayed over at a friends place. The husband calls his wife's ten best friends. None of them know about it!
Friendship Among Men
A Man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he stayed over at a friends place. The wife calls her husbands ten best friends. Eight of them say he did sleep over, Two claim he is still there.
Different Ways of Looking at Things
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine..'
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife..'
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
- The DNA all matches.
- There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez... 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion..' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
Age OLD question????Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is definitely more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.