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O Lord, of what have I become?
by Carrie Harris

Aradeus, a man of greed and war with hands stained by the blood of many innocents, has been wounded in the face of battle. As the terrible hand of death tightens its grip, his eyes are opened to the misery his life has caused. He is found crying out in anguish of the man he has become …

Of what substance is this heart, that the beauty should not flow from within? Am I truly that hardened, or do I choose to be this way? Who then can soften this clay, to be moulded in the hands of the Master Potter?

Must I remain this way forever? Or may I choose the path which is right? Woe unto he who is like me, forever doomed to feel the torture of my own misgivings …

... But what is this? A light? A hope? Truly I am a man in need of a Saviour, to guide my footsteps through this dark and narrow valley. Behold, He comes, as One from God - a light unto this world!

But will He accept me, broken as I am, a fool in a prison of my own making? Oh curse the decisions that have brought me to this place!

Yet still He comes, bearing a scar on each hand and a sufferance upon his head.

Was it I who did this to Him, through my ignorance and pain? Did I bring Him to this end? Indeed, it was I, yet still He offers His hand toward me … I do not understand, Lord. I have grieved You, I have rejected You, and yet You do not reject me?

How can this be, when I have hated and despised You? My heart is tormented by the deeds of days gone by … Even still, You embrace me as a brother, and You lift this burden from my shoulders. Never have I felt so free!

… and what is this before me? A light, a glimpse of colour in the shadows? Yet as I watch, the shadows are lifting all around me. A shade of pink, a shade of blue, and … and … yes! In the distance, even a horizon!

You have lifted the hatred from my eyes. Without a word, You have freed my heart. Never before have I seen such beauty. Never again shall I walk in the ways of the wicked. Never again shall I cause harm!

Teach me Lord, to love. Teach me to show mercy, even as You have shown mercy. Allow me to bring this news to others.

The hardened rock has broken within my bosom, a softened heart beats in my chest. My heart is like a softened clay, yearning to be shaped.

Mould me, dear Lord, create me anew …


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O Lord, of what have I become? by Carrie Harris Aradeus, a man of greed and war with hands stained by the blood of many innocents, has been wounded in the face of battle. As the terrible hand of death tightens its grip, his eyes are opened to the misery his life has caused. He is found crying out in anguish of the man he has become … Of what substance is this heart, that the beauty should not flow from within? Am I truly that hardened, or do I choose to be this way? Who then can soften this clay, to be moulded in the hands of the Master Potter? Must I remain this way forever? Or may I choose the path which is right? Woe unto he who is like me, forever doomed to feel the torture of my own misgivings … ... But what is this? A light? A hope? Truly I am a man in need of a Saviour, to guide my footsteps through this dark and narrow valley. Behold, He comes, as One from God - a light unto this world! But will He accept me, broken as I am, a fool in a prison of my own making? Oh curse the decisions that have brought me to this place! Yet still He comes, bearing a scar on each hand and a sufferance upon his head. Was it I who did this to Him, through my ignorance and pain? Did I bring Him to this end? Indeed, it was I, yet still He offers His hand toward me … I do not understand, Lord. I have grieved You, I have rejected You, and yet You do not reject me? How can this be, when I have hated and despised You? My heart is tormented by the deeds of days gone by … Even still, You embrace me as a brother, and You lift this burden from my shoulders. Never have I felt so free! … and what is this before me? A light, a glimpse of colour in the shadows? Yet as I watch, the shadows are lifting all around me. A shade of pink, a shade of blue, and … and … yes! In the distance, even a horizon! You have lifted the hatred from my eyes. Without a word, You have freed my heart. Never before have I seen such beauty. Never again shall I walk in the ways of the wicked. Never again shall I cause harm! Teach me Lord, to love. Teach me to show mercy, even as You have shown mercy. Allow me to bring this news to others. The hardened rock has broken within my bosom, a softened heart beats in my chest. My heart is like a softened clay, yearning to be shaped. Mould me, dear Lord, create me anew …
A note from the author This story was written during a time of soul-searching, almost a year after my conversion to Christianity. I was laying in bed and pondering my life, and the difference Christ had made. To this day I am amazed at the difference in my life. Unlike Aradeus, I never killed anyone. I did hold a lot of hate and anger in my heart, though ... and it was slowly destroying me. This is the story of a changed heart.