Monkey Planet Part 4
Poo Flinging
by Emma Monkey

Emma Monkey
34 Banana Boulevard
Monkey Planet 

Hi all,

I slept a lot better last night thankfully, probably because having a rope tied around me during the tree swinging lesson gave me an idea . I tied myself to the branch that I was sleeping on, so I knew I wouldn’t fall off! I woke up pretty early too, so I was able to untie myself and hide the rope before anyone saw!

I had a Poo Flinging lesson today, so all last night I was dreaming about poo and being covered in muck. I went down to the arena and got there 10 minutes early, giving me enough time to introduce myself to the other monkeys who were there. Unfortunately I was the only one who was trying to keep my monkey status, the others were just there for fun, or to practice for the poo flinging team, so once again I was rather left out, and they didn’t really want to talk to me.

Our teacher arrived bang on time (5.30am) and to my dismay it was Monkeyness Officer Drew, who I’d met on my arrival and who I’d not made a very good impression on. Eager to please him this time, I ran straight up to him, and gave off the loudest and smelliest fart I’ve ever done (I think nerves had a part to play in that). I was really proud of myself, but then I heard the other monkeys laughing behind me, and it turned out I’d done a bit of a whoopsie (you can guess).

Monkeyness Officer Drew sent me off to get cleaned up, cos he said that even though we were poo flinging, we weren’t supposed to have it all over us. He looked pretty disgusted with me, and I think we’re never gonna be friends.

Anyway, we started the lesson about 30 minutes later, once I was cleaned up and he was satisfied that I wasn’t mucky anymore. The first thing we had to do was locate the poo. Sounds easy doesn’t it, but the thing is, the best poo for flinging is old poo, cos new poo sticks to your fur when you pick it up. To find old poo, you’ve got to think about where it would be. Cos it wouldn’t be where other monkeys would look, cos then it would already have been flung.

Monkeyness officer Drew blew his whistle, and we had 10 minutes to run around and collect as much poo as we could, and take them to our area of the arena. Well I ran around, looking under bushes, and trees, but couldn’t find any old poo, only new poo. I gathered that up anyway, cos new poo’s better than nothing at all, and decided to look under the seats of the arena just in case any spectators had left any there during the Poo Flinging World Games which were held a few months earlier.

I managed to find 5 old poos, and 2 new poos, so I gathered those up, ran back to my area feeling pretty pleased with myself, just in time before Drew blew the whistle to signal the hunting time was over. While Drew was checking everyone’s poo collection to make sure there were no illegal missiles in it I went to the water fountain to wash my hands, cos the new poos had really made them dirty and sticky, and they stunk too. I was kinda hoping that I wouldn’t be spotted, but unfortunately one of the other monkeys saw me, and shouted to Drew, who really wasn’t impressed with me.

I think I’m even more of a Human than I thought.

Anyway, he stopped me before I had chance to wash my hands, which turned out to be quite lucky, cos he said if I’d washed them I would’ve failed instantly, and been booted off the planet in disgrace.

Once everyone had stopped staring and laughing at me, it was time to start the flinging. The aim of the game in poo flinging, is to hit as many other creatures as possible, while avoiding getting hit yourself. Basically it’s like paintball, except the bullets are brown and you’ve no guns.

We all ran into position (I hid in a bush) and Drew blew the whistle. I figured the best thing for me to do was to just keep my head down, cos the bush was quite thick, and if anyone had thrown one it would probably just get caught in the leaves. Every few seconds I peeped out, and if I saw a monkey that was close enough to me I threw a poo at them. Every now and again I was spotted though, so I got hit a couple of times too, but I did quite well I thought.

The final results were that I’d thrown 10 poos, hitting 8 times, and suffered 3 hits myself, which put me in joint third place with someone who was in the Monkey Planet Poo Flinging Team, so I did really well and was really chuffed with myself.

Of course, if I hadn’t been hiding then the results would have been very different, but there’s nothing in the rule book about hiding, so Monkeyness Officer Drew couldn’t fail me, although he did search through the rulebook several times trying to find some way of failing me.

So that’s 2 tests done and passed, and tomorrow I’ve got a grooming test to do. I dunno how I’m gonna manage that, cos Tess confiscated my hair brush….

Hope to see you all soon, at this rate I should be home next week!