Monkey Planet Part 5
Grooming
by Emma Monkey

Emma Monkey
34 Banana Boulevard
Monkey Planet 

Hi all,

I’m getting really good at this tree sleeping lark, and last night I even practiced throwing more poo, using a banana boat that someone had parked across the street as a target. I had 12 poos and hit it 11 times, so I was pretty chuffed with myself!

I woke up early once again, and went to the beauty salon for my grooming lesson. I got a bit lost though, took a couple of wrong turns, so I got there about 5 minutes late. There was about 10 other monkeys waiting to start their lessons, only one of them was male and I think he must’ve been really good at tree swinging cos some of the monkeys were whispering that he was a swinger and he could apparently swing both ways. I was confused by that though, cos any monkey could swing both ways if they wanted to, it’s just a question of which way you grab the vine, and if you grab it a different way twice…. Unless it’s a new tree swinging trick I’d never heard of.

Our teacher arrived a couple of minutes after me, which was great cos she didn’t know that I was late arriving. It was Tess, who I’d met on the Tree swinging lesson, only this time she wasn’t called Senior Tree Climber Tess, she was called Fur Checker Tess (I think she must be REALLY good at being a monkey, to have all these different titles).

We had to find a partner, so all the monkeys ran around grabbing hold of other monkeys so they’d be partnered with people they knew, but for some reason no one wanted to be partners with the brilliant swinger, so he ended up being my partner. I was pleased, cos I figured that if he was that good a tree swinger he’d be famous at some point! I also realised that he’d been at the Poo Flinging lesson, I recognised him when I saw his back, cos I remember him talking to Monkeyness Officer Drew a few times during the day. They looked like they were good buddies.

I found out his name was Bob VanMonkeyBeck, (Deatmon- he says Hi back!) and he seemed to be a really nice guy. He spoke a bit funny, and did odd things with his hands when he was talking, but he was nice. We found a quiet corner, and it was Bob’s turn to groom me first. I told him I how I liked my hair (brushed back all over, with a flat bit at the front that goes slightly to the side, and a fringe) but he just tutted at me. While he was picking the dead skin off me I started asking him about the swinging both ways trick, cos I wouldn’t mind learning summat like that if it’s easy enough, but he just frowned at me and carried on grooming.

After a few minutes Tess blew her whistle, and it was my turn to groom Bob. I started copying what he’d been doing with me, just basically rooting through the fur and if I saw anything odd I picked it out. I asked him how he liked his hair, if he wanted it spikey, or to the side etc, but he just tutted again. Then I asked him if he was going anywhere on his holidays and he ignored me. I decided then that I’d just stop talking to him, cos I obviously wasn’t getting anywhere.

When I was doing his back I noticed that his fur was extremely long in one patch, so I grabbed a pair of scissors from the back of the salon (apparently they have scissors in case of squashed banana or Poo Flinging accidents, for when the fur gets knotted and tangled) and cut it back so it was the same length as the rest of his fur. It was weird though cos when I cut it a piece of paper fell out, like the fur was a kind of pocket. I picked up the paper and squashed it into my hand so he wouldn’t see, cos I figured he wouldn’t be too happy about my cutting his pocket.

Unfortunately he saw the scissors in my hand and screeched, Tess came running over to see what was the matter, and when she saw that I’d cut his fur she went mad and told me to leave the salon and never come back.

I tried to explain why I’d cut it, but she couldn’t hear me over Bob’s screaming and didn’t really seem to want to listen to me anyway, so I got all mad and started stamping my feet and throwing stuff which really didn’t help my case at all, and when I realised that I’d just ruined any chance I had of getting a reprieve I left the salon with my head bowed and my tail between my legs.

I’m sorry everyone, I think I’ve failed. I’ve got a meeting with Chief Monkeyness Officer Wally tomorrow, and after today’s grooming incident I really don’t think I’m going to impress him much.

I guess only time will tell, and maybe he’ll take pity on me, but for now I think I’ve lost the name of Emma Monkey forever.

I miss you all, and I just want to be home with you. I hate this place.