Just as a cautious businessman avoids investing all his capital in one concern , so wisdom would probably admonish us also not to anticipate all our happiness from one quarter alone. - Sigmund Freud
Yet again another instance where Fereud’s insights into the human psyche were actually very insightful. The modern world encourages us all to be responsible, and not to be frivolous. When you have a family, most of us invest all of our time and energy into the family. We craft a new identity for ourselves based around being a mother or a father, and we take most of our happiness from this family. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing in life more rewarding then bringing a smile to a child’s face, especially when the child in question is your own.
Yet with this immense joy we set ourselves up for heartache. I remember clearly the feeling I had the first time I held my son and looked into his eyes. However I know that he won’t be my “little boy”for long. He grows every day, and gets more and more independent. In little more then a year he will be heading off to school and expanding his world beyond the boarders of the family home and the fence: eventually he will find a partner, move away and start a family of his own. This is the nature of things: it is the way of the world. The same will of course apply to my daughter, despite my assurances that she will be joining a convent. ;-) I did once say to someone “You can’t imagine the feeling that you get when you hold your child for the first time: you look and see all of your hopes, dreams and fears for the future in their eyes.” Despite knowing that a part of you will live on in them, it does make you extremely aware of your own mortality.
What does this leave the parents who have invested there lives and happiness into raising of a child? Unfortunately very little. People these days seem to be fairly polarised, either towards investing everything into their children, or being selfish and putting the children second to everything else. Obviously people who do the latter should probably have realised their own inability to put others first and should have probably refrained from having children. However what does all of this leave for people who do put their children first in ever way? Very little I fear.
We have all heard stories of people in relationships who as soon as the children move out, or go to high school feel out of place. Quite often the result is a breakup, usually initiated by one person, and with the other party blind sided by the revelation. Another case that is all too common is a breakup soon after a child enters into a relationship.
In the first case more often then not the party to the separation is a stay at home parent. The catalyst for the separation would appear to be largely caused by the children getting older and developing independence, thus leaving the stay at home parent with a lack of definition in their lives. No longer can that parent say “I’m a stay at home mum. (Or dad)” Suddenly the newly “unemployed” person needs to carve a new roll for themselves, and all to often that means requiring space and independence of their own. As Freud pointed out the parent has invested all of their happiness in a single source of fulfilment, and that source of fulfilment is no longer available.
The second situation is similar, but opposite in many ways. Another all to common situation is where a partnership breaks down soon after the addition of a child. Often times this separation comes as a complete shock because the couple seemed really happy together before hand. Again the hazard the Freud pointed out, the couple has invested all of their happiness into a single source of fulfilment, each other. This source of fulfilment then changes with the addition of a child to the mix because one of the parents, usually the mother, focuses all of her attention of the child, leaving the other parent, usually the father, feeling abandoned. Unfortunately this is more often the case with parents that spend a long time trying to have a child.
In this case it’s easy to simply chastise the leaving parent, again normally the father as being selfish. There are a host of things that are normally said at this point, and none of them are complimentary in the least, especially because this situation quite often goes hand-in-hand with infidelity. I saw this very event occur with someone who I was very close to in my younger years, and I must admit that I was extremely cold, and obnoxious towards the person. It wasn’t until later in life when I could look at the situation with the fresh eyes of a parent that I really could the situation for what it was, and realise that I was wrong for the judgement that I laced on the person. (I now regret the way that I treated this person, and do wish that I could apologise.)
In both of these situations what it comes down to is a lack of fulfilment in the relationship. Of course typically when we say “fulfilment in the relationship” people immediately think of sex. Sex is a part of it, but definitely not the entirety. We have to take into account that “Fulfilment in a relationship” means getting what you want out of that relationship. In the case of the stay at home parent the original source of fulfilment is no longer available and they need to find a new way to feel fulfilled in the relation ship. The very thing that made them a good stay at home parent year after year has now meant they are left with no source of fulfilment in the relationship. In the 80’s this was referred to as “Empty Nest” syndrome.
As I said it’s easy to vilify a person who leaves a relationship when a child has come into the family. Again however you have to look at the dynamics of the relationship and see how those dynamics have changed. While I don’t condone infidelity you have to take into account that at a base level all of us need to feel fulfilled. Freud referred to this as the Id, in his overly simplistic concept of the psyche. Freud’s theory of the Id fails to take into account the need for higher level needs that can be just as strong. The need to belong and contribute to a relationship can be just as strong as ones own sexual wants and needs.
In the end no matter what the desire is be it a base desire, or a higher level emotional connection, we all need to feel fulfilled. If don’t feel fulfilled you will either leave a relationship, or you will be miserable, and cause misery to others in the relationship.
So as Freud said, the wise businessman doesn’t invest all of his capital in one concern. And the wise human doesn’t invest all of their emotional capital in one concern as well. Of course the second statement is really two fold. First having multiple avenues to derive fulfilment from, and making sure that you emotional capital is invested in making sure all of your partners needs for fulfilment are met.
