THE QUOTE FILE FROM HELL(tm)
or
Random Thoughts From Twisted Minds

compiled by Pixel, mildly edited and HTMLized by Ryland
much thanks to Pixel and all the #callahans gang
(Pixel always has the latest and greatest version of this quote file)

The very first thing necessary to anyone who's weird is a place where they don't give you a hard time just because you're weird -Mike Callahan-

They say thyme heals all wounds, but I've found it doesn't work any better than oregano.

GETTING weird? Been there, done that, got the frequent flyer miles.

Please cc. all responses to the gutter my mind is inhabiting. Thank you. -Kristen-

Ask a silly person, get a silly answer

Everyone is a damn fool for at least 5 minutes a day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.

I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel!

I'm not panicking. I'm watching you panic. It's much more entertaining

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Smile. It confuses people

Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well rested wimps, but wimps.

Warning, Whimsical when bored

Its a cat thing -- you wouldn't understand

Thousands of years ago, Egyptians worshipped cats. Cats have never forgotten this.

I am under the influence of sugar, caffeine and lack of sleep and should not be held responsible for my behavior

Who the hell let the morning people run things?

I'm lost. I've gone to Look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

Do the voices in my head bother you?

I like the way your mind malfunctions

Don't try to outweird me -- I get stranger things then you free with my breakfast cereal. -Z. Beeblebrox-

Marching to a different kettle of fish

The Web isn't better then sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve

Live wrong and preposterously

You should see the ones we don't let out in public

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers (Henry VI, Part 2)

American Non Sequitur Society -- we don't make sense, but we do like pizza

Visualize Whirled Peas

Information Superhighway? Looks more like a Supercollider to me.

The internet is NOT cool! Go away!

If it's not on fire, its a software problem

If you're going down in flames, you might as well hit something big

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila

Cartoon Law 8: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent

They aren't broken, they're...uh...modular.

Its ok to laugh during sex - just don't point

Hardware: the part of the computer that can be kicked. If you can only curse at it, it's software.

I no longer fear hell -- I work in Retail

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book - Groucho Marx

I know lots of things, they're just not real useful

"... It is therefore recommended not to use this button at any time." - software documentation

I am a self-made man. But if I have to do it again, I think I'll read the manual.

Just because chickens aren't blue doesn't mean yogurt explodes when you sprinkle mountains on the fish.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

"There are many paths to enlightenment. Sadly, none of them involve Pizza." - RonRon Shubadi-

It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.

If more government is the answer, it must have been a really stupid question.

Got kleptomania? Take something for it.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges..?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, nothing says "I love you" like crashing someones server... -Mycroft-

"Sometimes I go off into my own little world... But that's okay; they know me there." -AJ-

I have given up anarchy. Too many rules-- hating the government and all that stuff. -G.H. Hill-

Under no circumstances may you become a Prophet. We don't intend to jepordize our nonprophet status. --Kerry Thornley, Discordian Society Co-founder--

What a lousy place for a wall... -Don Karnage-

..And an open airlock policy. -Ivanova-

I never learned from a man who agreed with me -- Robert A. Heinlein

Available at dark bookstores everywhere, including Barnes and Noble -Book Ad-

Broccoli is a great source of amunition -Marcky-

I have a large collection of sea shells, I keep them stored on beaches around the world. Perhaps you've seen them? -Steve Wright-

When the going gets weird the weird turn pro.

Too many times I've seen the sun come up through bloodshot eyes this week...

Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology. --Sam Kelly--

Of course, when discussing the shelf-life of Twinkies, the limiting factor is the life of the shelf -MTR, on a.c

Must write thesis, must write thesis, ooh, there's new messages on alt.callahans... -The Yendi-

Software development today is a race between programmers trying to create bigger, better, and more idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Weird is part of the job -- Capt. Janeway--

Although the hippopotamus has no sting, the wise (wo)man would rather be sat upon by a bee.

Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Have I found Jesus? I'm still looking for Waldo!

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat -ALEX LEVINE-

I just can't say enough about brevity...

Abandon hope all ye who {PRESS ENTER} here.

I like you, but I wouldnt want to see you working with sub-atomic particles

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS

Hang up and Drive

Visualize Grilled Cheese

Friend help friends move, real friends help friends move bodies.

I can't go to work today, the voices say "Stay home and clean the guns."

I am a Bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book.

STOP! (blam! blam! blam!) Klingon Security! (blam! blam! blam!) Halt or We'll Shoot!

There are two secrets to success:
1. Never tell everything you know.

Erotic is using a feather, Kinky is using the whole chicken

Hugaholic, in search of my next fix

sex is like air, its not important unless you aren't getting any.

if vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

no guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

if quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool that first said "quit while you are ahead"?

if you don't die from it it is healthy.

never sleep with anyone crazier than you.

if everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.

sex is like snow. you never know how many inches you are going to get, or how long it will last.

women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place

duct tape is like the force-there is a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

there are three kinds of people. those who count and those who can't.

it is not what a teenager know that bothers his parents. it is how he found out!

life is sexually transmitted

no job is so simple that it cannot be done wrong

you can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.

the sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant, but the population is increasing

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

**FLASH** Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse??

Easy as 3.14159265358979323846...

How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?

Never Play Leap-Frog with a Unicorn

Love hurts -- but only if it's done right!

Now remember: rape, pillage, and burn. And for Thor's sake, let's get the order right this time!

Everything I needed to know in life, I learned in kidnergarten. Like, always check for extraneous roots when squaring to remove the radicals.

Legion of the Damned - Reserve.
Fighting for the Forces of Evil One Weekend A Month

Thunder rolled....It rolled a six.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer

When opportunity calls, one must answer, even when it demands that one spend the next hour of one's life thinking up things to do with rotten fish.

HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS? IF NOBODY CLAIMS HIM IN 30 DAYS, HE'S YOURS!

I Found Jesus, He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.

If all men were brothers, the inbreeding would be scary.

Thinking is a subversive activity. So is laughter.

Any sufficiently advanced political correctness is indistinguishable from irony. -Jane Hawkins-

America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards. -Claire Wolfe-

"And never the twain shall meet." (Which is good, because twain cwashes are ugwy.)

Those who can, have great preserves. -Michael, the Chaotic-

You're a figment of my imagination -- which just goes to show what a sick and twisted mind *I've* got.

Its not the tears we soak up that do us any hurt... its the ones we ignore.

Gargle for intensity, not whiplash.

A "Normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. (You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out grey.") -Alan Sherman-

It's not that I'm bitter and twisted, it's just that I'm bitter and twisted -Deth-

I would stop eating chocolate....but I'm no quitter

Some drink from the Fountain of Knowledge...others only gargle.

Ignorance killed the cat; curiosity was framed.

If your purpose in life is to entertain the gods, you might as well put on a good show.

Sex between a man and a woman can be a wonderful thing... If you're between the right man and the right woman.

If all the world's a stage, I want better lighting.

There are many intelligent races in the universe. They all have cats.

Service may vary according to my mood and your attitude

Death before decaf

You're just jealous because the little voices are talking to me

It's your hell. You burn in it!

This is more fun than putting a gerbil down my pants

Driven by a strong play ethic

I wouldn't want to be normal even if I knew what it was

awww... did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?

I'm not as normal as I look

Decaffinated coffee is like kissing your sister

Only those who attempt the absurd achieve the impossible

Rock is dead... Long live paper and scissors!

Every dog has his day...but the nights belong to us cats!

Exercise before kinky sex - you should be fit to be tied

I want to be like all the other noncomformists...

HUG TESTER

Incorrigible Punster, Do Not Incorrige

Invertebrate punster, spinelessly unable to resist a pun so slug me!

Beware of quantum ducks, quark, quark!

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Anything a cat can claw up, is not nailed down.
Everything else is a scratching post

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be

667, the neighbor of the beast!

When Cthulu calls, He calls 1-800-Collect

Weirdness Magnet

If you can't dress weird, why dress at all?

It's you and me against the world: We attack at dawn

Little Old Ladies Sewing Circle And Terrorist Society

Once you pull the pin on Mr. Grenade he is no longer your friend

I'm A Figment Of My Own Imagination, But Why Are You Here?

We're A Paranoid Schizophrenic, And We Outnumber You Two To One

Join The Illuminati, And See The World, Differently

Evil Geniuses For A Better Tommorow

If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen, to either you or the frog, for the rest of the day

Everyone Is Someone Elses Weirdo

Go Lemmings Go!

Mop And Glow, Official Floor Wax Of The Chernobyl Clean Up Team

Everyone Deserves A HUG, Ask And You Shall Receive

Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter, You're Blocking My Periscope

The Generation Of Random Numbers Is Too Important Too Be Left To Chance

Cats don't get into Mischief, Cats are Mischief

Assasins Inc. We Aim to Please

God is my Copilot, But the Devil is my Bombardier

Back Rub Junkie

Does "Anal Retentive", Require a Hyphen?

If I want your opinion, I'll read your Entrails.

BABY ON BOARD - Just means five more points because they're a yuppie!

OK I'm weird, but I'm Saving Up to be Eccentric.

Full blown batshit crazy, but still holding down a productive job

A person should not promise to give a child something and then not give it, because in that way the child learns to lie. -Babylonian Talmud

I'm in shape. Round is a shape

I am a god in human form and completely demented. It works for me -HoseHead-

A child of five could understand this, fetch me a child of five

I don't need your attitude, I have my own.

I live like I type - fast and with a lot of mistakes

Let's just say I don't respond well to authority

Let's see them figure THAT one out!

Meandering to a different drummer

My job: To comfort the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable

Everything is going to be alright - for varying values of alright

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead

I stared into the abyss. The abyss stared into me. Neither of us liked what we saw

If only there was some indication that the Universe was doing it on purpose

Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do. -Bertrand Russell-

Welcome back to square one

Theater is life. Cinema is art. Television is furniture.

A truly great library contains something in it to offend everyone -Jo Godwin-

Eschew Obfuscation!

I don't need speed reading. I need speed bookcase building

So many books, so little: Time, Money, Shelf space (check list)

Cat people are generally not conformists. How could they be, with a cat running their lives?

Cats are Zen made Fur -Jo Godwin-

Feline Sapiens

If cats had longer attention spans, they'd be running the world

Purring, the sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first

I do more work after 2 AM than most people do all day

Is there life before coffee? Yes, but not intelligent life.

Sleep deprivation is fun - you see such pretty colors

I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.

Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained

Surgeon General's Warning: The wearer of this button may be hazardous to your mental health

No one is a failure who is enjoying life

User Hostile

Nerd Pride. Why do they think "walking encyclopedia" is an insult?

Dust Bunnies make wonderful house pets

And before you get all happy, be informed that your punishment does not include pain or sex.

Vanilla is a spice, too

Does it have enhanced IR vision, a particle beam weapon with target acquisition, highly amplified arm/leg systems, self-contained atmosphere and a small nuclear plant? No? Not much of a "power suit", is it?

Do you know where your towel is?

I'm looking for Callahan's. Can any pun direct me there?

I'll have some of what that gentlebeing on the floor is drinking

You should see the ones we don't let out in public

Ask me, I'm shy

This IS a costume. I'm a homicidal maniac -- they look just like everyone else.

Rule #1: Don't sweat the small stuff.
Rule #2: It's all small stuff

I am the Mother Of All Things... and All Things should put on a sweater.

Oh, sure. You just don't want to end up marrying another fish. -momblanch, regarding Rose-

In the beginning there was nothing, And God said "let there be light". And there was still nothing, But you could see it.

I'm not sure that some of the sk.sympatico tech people I've overheard could tell you how to get the cup holder to extend, let alone where your CD-ROM is. -Sirilyan-

Y'know, that's really... sweet. Twisted, but sweet, nonetheless. -Kristen-

Charming and polite? As compared to a rabid wolverine with a toothache on LSD. -Shadowcat-

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. "Hmm, pleasant effect," thought God, and flipped it off and on a few times.

Subversives, synchronize your watches... -John Vinson-

Revenge is a dish best served...with pinto beans and corn muffins -Killj0y-

...and on the seventh day God rested, and Mrs. McGilly came in and did the cleaning.

333 -- Eric the half-Beast.

Be alert! The world needs more lerts!

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

Dear Lord give me chastity and self-restraint... but not yet, O Lord, not yet! -Saint Augustine-

Honest, Officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here!

I worry about when I'm 30 and I reach my sexual peak, what if I'm alone in the house? I fear for the safety of all my kitchen appliances. -Jennifer Heath-

Illuminatus vehicles provided by the Fnord Motor Company

digression is only a state of mind, sort of like Utah but more like Calif...-DieFldrmause-

hmmm, dwarves by mail w/ no obligation, I should look into this -Pixel-

nothing scares me...I'm not awake enough! -HoseHead-

why thank you, and there seems to be shaving cream in my helmet -Pixel-

Raising consciousness one eyebrow at a time.

I've always felt that I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

You can believe anything you want. The universe is not obliged to keep a straight face. -Solomon Short-

Cthulu Tequila, where the wyrm eats you...

Evolution: life's a niche and then you die

Life is a virgin, if it was a bitch, it would be easy.

Subvert the dominant paradigm!

The same qualities that make me so charming have also made me unemployable

Meekness is uncommon patience, quietly planning a worthwhile revenge

Naturally you're out of book space. Everyone is always out of book space. If you're not out of book space, you're probably not worth knowing

I love to cook - Where else can you find such a great excuse to play with sharp objects and fire?

What we have here is a failure to communi#}X@ NO CARRIER

If only these innocents knew...

I support the bigot's right to speak out, as if I start limiting them, they may start limiting me. I also support my right to ignore them. -Laura Packer-

...no I can't get that many frogs on such short notice... -Pixel-

A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out -randome-

I'm not Schizophrenic! Yes I am! No I'm Not! Who are you?

Blithering Genius

Incoming Fire Has The Right Of Way

Reality is just a collective hunch.

Rub her feet. -L. Long-

Shin: a body part used for finding furniture in the dark.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -Mark Twain-

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything. -Charles Kuralt-

That was setting #1. Anyone want to see setting #2?

The floggings shall continue until morale improves.

The Illuminati aren't out to get you. What was your name again?

This score just in: Deep Space 9, Babylon 5.

What's the difference between a kiss-ass and a brown-noser? ...Depth perception.

yip yip yip yap yap yip *BANG* -- NO TERRIER

If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or aquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead. -Gelett Burgess-

Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -Fred Allen

Filk is 8-bit folk music with the parody bit set

I'm doing my part to piss of the religious right, are you?

Get a taste for religion, lick a Witch

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

An optimist never gets a pleasant surprise

After all, if everyone on Earth was alike, think what a haggis shortage there would be... -Celine-

When the first living thing was created, I was there, waiting. And when the last living thing shall perish, my job will be done. I'll put the chairs on the tables, turn out the lights and lock the universe behind me when I leave. -Death-

The person who doesn't read has no advantage over the person who can't

Meddle not in the affairs of filkers, for your name sounds funny and scans to Greensleeves

* pernishus looks at Joe and wonders what he's supposed to do with a pen-communicator -- draw the appropriate conclusions???

apartments dont move fast, but they take a lot of hits to kill -shadowcat-

All pigs fed and ready to fly

I love deadlines. I enjoy the whooshing sound they make as they go by

Marvelous! You're going to kill me. What a finely tuned response to the situation.

Oh, please continue with your petty bickering, I find it fascinating

Isn't shrimp on a Barbie a bit kinky?

All you need is WD40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop

And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man with a ploughshare, he'll know he's been hit

Ask me--I'm interactive

Brain damage is what we were after...chromosome damage was just gravy

Don't just stand there--rub my back!

Everything in the universe is packaging, big toys, or meat

Few things are as ego-boosting as being kicked out of an anarchy convention

Gone crazy, be back later, leave message at the beep

I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.

I was born weird--this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma

If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic

If you've never said "excuse me" to a parking meter or bashed your shins on a fireplug, you're probably wasting too much valuable reading time

It's a condescending thing, dear - you wouldn't understand

It's simple--you're seen what food processors do to food, right?

Life should consist of at least fifty percent pure waste of time and the rest in doing what you please

Not only are people weirder than you think, people are weirder than you can think

Once we've got the bugs ironed out, we'll be running on flat bugs

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs

Playing in traffic on the information superhighway

Professional Nuisance for Hire - name a target, name a place, I'm there

You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you odd

You've got to know the rules before you break them otherwise it's no fun

You're so cute when you're cynical

You can't win a revolution without a sense of humor -Ammon Hennacy-

World domination through guilt and onions... -Laura-

we are #callahans of borg. you will be addicted, resistance is funny. -Rose and Eric_Hurd-

Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. -R. Wilensky-

Smith and Wesson: the original point and click interface.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I can't wait until I'm old enough for people to take me seriously, so I can explain to them why they shouldn't -Rose-

Everyone is entitled to his or her own INFORMED opinion. -Harlan Ellison-

Falls don't kill people. It's the deceleration trauma.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there, and I don't want to have to see you every day.

Remember, sex is God's way of making sure than no one will ever take mankind too seriously.

What's a metabolism? I think mine ran away in fear -Rose-

It looks like Barney has won... No wait, Godzilla is getting up...

My son is getting out for good behavior at Father Baker's Reform School.

Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.

Cthulhu Lives! (In my refrigerator)

If your life is so exciting, why are you reading my button?

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

Underneath my clothes I'm completely naked!

Have a Day :|

Out the modem... through the phone line... into the routing substation... nuthin' but net.

the upside of being single is that i can sleep with anyone i want to. the downside is, i don't want to

Five days a week, my body's a temple; the other two, it's an amusement park.

I give up, what planet ARE you from?

"you could at least pretend you're enjoying the view" "i can't, you're a blur from the neck down" "you're right, i am!"

Welcome aboard the emotional rollercoaster, please keep your limbs and insecurities in the car at all times, enjoy the ride... -Pixel-

Legally, it's questionable. Morally, it's disgusting. Personally, i like it.

Ah, yes, codeine. Being on codeine means never having to say... anything coherent, really -Ryland-

Hey, if we've had the sexual revolution, how come we didn't get to install a new sexual government? -Big Al-

The other involved a conversation with god. I found his answers to be pithy, but he seemed like an interesting enough fellow. -Laura Packer, about a dream-

If you know you're going to look back on today and laugh, you might as well start laughing now.

Yes, but aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, what did you think of the play? -JillBug-

I Am Erotic. You Are Kinky. They Are Perverts.

To err is human, to moo, Bovine.

Early to ride and early to bed makes a person healthy, but socially dead.

When dealing with a 'hardware' problem, the first step is to check the nut that holds the keyboard.

Braise the Lord. Bake for 45 minutes at 350 deg.

Jesus saves. Passes to Moses on the breakaway, Moses shoots, HE SCORES!!!!!

Jesus saves. Moses invests

Living on the edge and swinging from the tassels.

We have gone from "Lean and Mean" to "Anorexic and Psychotic"

Amaze and delight me!

I refuse to be intimidated by reality anymore!

Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you are interrupting

You are here. (assuming some smart aleck hasn't moved the sign)

Some people buy toys for children. I feel it's cheaper and more dignified to cut out the middleman and buy toys for myself

Imagination is our only weapon in the war against reality

There is no hope for a civilization which starts each day to the sound of an alarm clock

You are wise, witty and wonderful - but you spend too much time reading T-shirts

Due to the current economic situation, management has decided that the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further notice

Gene Police - YOU!!! out of the pool

They say "The wages of Sin are Death" but after they deduct taxes, all that is left is a tired feeling

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the firepower to make the difference

NOTHING: often a good thing to do, always a clever thing to say

"Things will get worse before they get better." (Who said things will get better?)

A desk is a wastebasket with drawers

What is the point of being fascinatingly crazy if you don't enrich the world with it?

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications

I've had fun before, and this isn't it!

The trouble with resisting temptation is it may not pass your way again

We must go Metric every inch of the way

I'm not breaking the rules; I'm just testing their elasticity

"Not a morning person" does not even BEGIN to cover it

When faced with a problem, just think "How would Bugs Bunny handle this?"

A human is the only low-cost 150-pound, nonlinear, all purpose computer system which can be mass-produced by unskilled labour

Happiness is Earth in your rearview mirror

Support your local Medical Examiner - Die strangely

I don't mind being in touch with reality as long as I don't have to live there

I am very interested in the future because I will spend the rest of my life there!

Poor planning on your part does not necessarily constitute an emergency on my part

Do it now. There may be a law against it tomorrow

Question Authority. Ask me anything

If Murphy's Law were true, every time you drew a breath, all the oxygen molecules would be on the other side of the room

In this government department you are not just a number to us. (You are three numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another three numbers)

You can definitely make mistakes; but you can't make mistakes indefinitely

Good judgment comes from experience; Experience comes from bad judgment

Women shouldn't be in combat because with the development of In Vitro fertilization, war is the only job security men have left

There can't be a crisis this week - My schedule is already full

An optimist goes to the window every morning and says "Good Morning, God". A pessimist goes to the window and says "Good God! Morning"

Get thee down. Be thou funky.

Attention: Until further notice 2 + 2 = 5 - Please adjust your reality accordingly

Where am I going and what am I doing in this hand basket?

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians

Some live life in the fast lane. I live life in oncoming traffic

When choosing between two evils, I like to take the one I haven't tried before

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you

The meek are getting ready

Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake!

Slit your wrists - It will lower your blood pressure

Sleep is an inadequate substitute for caffeine

You wouldn't be so worried about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they actually do

This is obviously a case of too many scientists, not enough hunchbacks

What part of "NO" didn't you understand?

Inflation hasn't ruined everything: a dime can still be used as a screwdriver

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

If they give you lined paper, write the other way!

You must expect the unexpected, but you can't rely on it

If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative

Think "honk" if you are a telepath

Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951

While you were reading my T-shirt, my friend was picking your pocket

With cloning, you can twin them all

What colour is a chameleon on a mirror?

I'm GREAT at immaturity - I've been practicing for decades

If you are not living on the edge you are taking up too much space.

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for dinner

Beam me up Scotty. It ate my phaser!

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity

The only person to ever get all his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe

"The early bird gets the worm" - I prefer to sleep late and get waffles!

Life is a sexually transmitted disease

Lead us not into temptation - Just point out the general direction and we'll find it ourselves

If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is an opinion

Some days calling ourselves "Homo Sapiens" seem the height of arrogance

Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed

Reality is O.K. Just don't make a habit of it

There is more to life than Science Fiction - But not much more

If at first you don't succeed, change the rules

No man is an island as long as he is on at least one mailing list

Sometimes, I feel like a figment of my own imagination

The worst thing about censorship is

I refuse to be intimidated by reality anymore

A seminar on time travel will be held three weeks ago

Next time you fly, remember: All the parts of the airplane were supplied by the lowest bidder

A bikini is like a barbed wire fence: it protects the property without obscuring the view

There is too much apathy in the world. But who cares?

Any time, any place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day

Why is it that people who say "It goes without saying" never go without saying it?

End rush hour traffic! Legalize vehicular weaponry

Nobody notices when things go right!

Help!! The paranoids are out to get me!

Many people who want to travel and see the world never actually step outside their own heads

Don't blame me! I didn't vote for him!!

Promises are like babies: fun to make but hell to deliver

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do something and to watch someone else doing it wrong without commenting

Apartment Laws: Your upstairs neighbors dance; Your downstairs neighbors hit the roof, and your next-door neighbors play handball

There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action

Talk is cheap because supply far exceeds demand

Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny

Always place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark

Extremists and fanatics are always found on the side I'm not on

Confidence is what you feel when you don't really understand the situation

I accept that life is unfair. But why is it never unfair in my favor?

A person can live for a few minutes without air, without water for about two weeks, without food for about two months and without a new idea for years on end

The best way to make sure crime doesn't pay would be to let the government run it

Success is biting off more than you can chew. Then chewing it

Don't take life so seriously. Very few get out of it alive

Television lets you be entertained in your own living room by people you would never let into your house

As long as you can laugh at yourself you will never cease to be amused

Monday is a horrid way to spend one seventh of your life

Everything in excess!- To enjoy life take big bites - Moderation is for monks

The secret of a long life is not to do anything the shorten it!

Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. That way if you like it, you can do it again tomorrow

Reality is the crutch for those people who can't handle Science Fiction

Crutches are the reality for those people who can't handle street gangs

There are many things more important than money. But, it takes money to buy them

I can answer any question. (Often the answer is "I don't know")

You can have it perfect OR you can have it Tuesday

The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble often shoots back!

Support Free Trade: Smuggle

It is never too late to have a happy childhood

Those proud of keeping a neat desk never know the thrill of finding something they had irretrievably lost

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

Death is a once in a lifetime experience

I know life isn't fair. I just wish it wouldn't cheat so much

A person can stand anything except an endless succession of ordinary days

Money is only something you need in case you don't die tomorrow

The secret of happiness is to find an age you like and stick to it

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the size

I started with nothing and still have most of it

I don't need an excuse unless I lose or get caught

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

Simple style is like white light - It is complex, but its complexity is not obvious

Universe: Contents sold by weight. Some expansion may occur during shipping

The meek shall inherit the Earth. The rest of us are going to the stars

Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For the first offense.

"Good" and "Morning" are mutually exclusive terms

Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering

I have a mind like a steel trap: everything that goes in gets crushed and mangled

Money Talks. The last thing I heard it say was "good-bye"

The most dangerous thing in the world is to leap a chasm in two jumps

Time is natures way of keeping everything from happening at once. Lately, it hasn't been working.

Start each work week with a goal clearly in mind: The weekend

I'm not afraid of the dark...It's the stuff IN the dark I'm afraid of!

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always count on Paul's vote

Please solve your problems in advance, so that we may better help you.

If the sexes are equal, why is it that "Diamonds are a girl's best friend" but "Man's best friend is his dog"?

When all is said and done, a lot more is said than done

People can be divided into three groups; those who make things happen; those who watch things happen; and those who wonder what happened

We have only two things to worry about: Either things will never get back to normal, or that they already have

A welfare state is one that assumes responsibility for the health, happiness and well-being of all citizens, except the taxpayers

Television must be a medium - it definitely is neither rare or well-done

The amount of sleep required by the average person is 10 minutes more

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you to shoot at tax collectors - And miss! -L. Long-

No one's life, liberty or property is safe while the legislature is in session

Yes, I missed you. But my aim is improving!

Save your money - some day it may be worth something

The person who invented the eraser had the human race pretty well sized up

WARNING! My reality check bounced!

Tell people there are 30 billion stars and they will believe you. Tell them there is wet paint on the chair and they will feel it to see.

The simplest schoolboy is now familiar with truths for which Archimedes would have sacrificed his life.

Today started well enough. Then I had to get out of bed

I won't ever grow up. My biological clock has a snooze button

Never give in to peer pressure (Unless everyone expects you to)

This is all a nightmare and I'm going to wake up soon. Right?

Government always plays both ends against the taxpayer

Too many decisions are measured with a micrometer, marked with chalk, and cut with an ax

It is impossible to make things foolproof because fools are so ingenious

There are very few personal problems which cannot be solved through the suitable application of high explosives

Around here we do precision guesswork!

Do not think of it as being outnumbered. Think of it as having a target rich environment

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and good to eat

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards - for they are subtle and quick to anger

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats - for they are subtle and will piss on your computer

Sex is like money: everyone thinks there is more of it around than there really is, and that everyone else is getting a bigger share

There comes a time in every project to shoot the engineers and put the damned thing into production

Of course you can't fly to the moon by simply flapping your arms. After a while your arms get tired and there is no place to rest along the way

I just hope God does not get bored of dreaming me.

If there is anything in the universe more important than my ego, I want it taken out and shot immediately -Zaphod Bebelbrox-

I think; therefore I am... I think

Keeping a clean house is like stringing beads with no knot at the other end of the thread

But I don't have an "Any Key" on my computer

Cats are smarter than dogs: You can't teach eight cats to pull a sled

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in!

Progress, at best, consists of replacing errors with more subtle errors

Don't look back - something might be gaining on you

"You Don't Know Me" (In big bold letters) Federal Witness Protection Program (In much smaller lettering underneath)

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

I worry about anyone under eighteen who isn't a cynic - and anyone over eighteen who is.

"Khat's cosmology is very simple: God is a cat, the devil is a dog, and humans are handy to have around because we have opposing thumbs and money to buy chicken livers." - Susan Wittig Albert

"Life's too short to waste time trying to please every meddlesome moron who's got an idea how I ought to be!" -Calvin-

That's how freedom will end: not with a bang, but with a rustle of file folders. If you love any of your rights, defend all of them!

Where did bigots get the idea that God is as small-minded as they are? -Wolfman Jack-

I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in my sleep. Not screaming like his passengers.

Patience is a virtue best practiced by others.

Software isn't released - It manages to escape

Murder is a crime, but depicting it is not. Sex is not a crime, but depicting it is.

I have a mind like a steel sieve

Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and may get back to you

Cats rule, dogs drool!

If "Pro" is the opposite of "Con", then what is the opposite of "Progress"?

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

Prejudiced people are all alike.

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?

Those who judge others will burn in Hell!

Exageration is not all it's cracked up to be.

Evil is not all bad.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

There's no such thing as nonexistance.

Exageration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Death to all fanatics!

If you believe in telekenesis, raise my hand.

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

I always wanted to be a procrastinator!

Rehab is for quitters!

My identity lies in not knowing who I am

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid

Free advice is worth what you paid for it

Oh dear, I think reality is on the blink again. -Marvin-

Santa scrambled is Satan. Coincidence? I think not!

Some days I think I'm a wheel short of a unicycle.

The way some people find fault - you'd think there was a reward.

THINK! or THWIM!

I think I will plan on being spontaneous tomorrow.

Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with The Simpsons.

The three little sentences that will get you through life:
1. Cover for me.
2. Oh, good idea, Boss!
3. It was like that when I got here.

I went insane trying to take a close-up picture of the horizon.

Real fun is bungie jumping off the edge of insanity!

GYPSY DWARF ESCAPES JAIL: Small Medium at Large...

Adventure (n.): The land between entertainment and panic

He who lives by the sword dies by the crossbow bolt.

Exactly what is a "pantheon" and why is it mad at me?

Black holes are where God did nothing, in a *big* way!

Get thee behind me Satan! You push and I'll steer...

Oh Lord, if there is a Lord, save my soul, if I have a soul.

Trust in God, but row away from the rocks. -Greek Proverb-

Don't mince words. Process them, instead.

Life: That annoying time between naps.

Yes, I am paranoid. But, am I paranoid enough?

I am immortal. So far, anyway.

All I want in life is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. --Winston Churchill

Gladstone: "I predict, sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease."
Disraeli: "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

First they came for the hackers.
But I never did anything illegal with my computer, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the pornographers.
But I thought there was too much smut on the Internet anyway, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the anonymous remailers.
But a lot of nasty stuff gets sent from anon.penet.fi, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the encryption users.
But I could never figure out how to work PGP anyway, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for me.
And by that time there was no one left to speak up.

Be proud of those who are willing to give their life for their country. Be afraid of those who WANT to!

Evolution doesn't take prisoners

You are a total, total, ... a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever it is you are, but you are one, and a total, total one at that!

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Of course everything has already been said. But since no one was paying attention, we must begin again.

Maybe Computer Science should be taught in the College of Theology.

"Live Long and Prosper" - Vulcan proverb
"And Eat Well" - Jewish addendum to Vulcan proverb
"Feast On Your Enemies!" - Klingon interpretation of Jewish addendum to Vulcan proverb

I either want less corruption or more of a chance to participate.

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality.

INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY: Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing, and Transferring Information On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseasses, And Yahoos. - anon.

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

And whether you can hear it or not, the Universe is laughing behind your back.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - F. P. Jones

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

The trick is to get a strong grip on reality - AND THEN CHOKE IT TO DEATH.

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular." -Adlai Stevenson-

Are we having fun yet?

Managing programmers is like herding cats

Program: a magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages

The art of progress is to preserve order amid change and to preserve change amid order

Once is chance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action

"A reverence for life does not require a man to respect Nature's obvious mistakes." - Robert Heinlein

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.

Insanity is part of the times. You must learn to embrace the madness and let it fire you. -Londo Mollari-

Final proof that dolphins are more intelligent than humans: Not one dolphin has, as of yet, upgraded to Windows '95.

"Those who live in the past rob the present. Those who ignore the past rob the future." - Master Po

Remember the famous quote from a writer to a sniping critic: "Where were you when the page was blank?"

Today is a gift, that's why it's called the PRESENT

Love wouldn't be blind if the Braille weren't so damned much fun.

With friends like these, who needs to hallucinate?

Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis for asystem of government!

I'd rather be hunted as a wolf than slaughtered like a sheep

Thesaurus: an ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

I have abandoned my search for truth and now I'm looking for a good fantasy.

All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost

What I want to know is, why won't someone pay me to stay home and watch my kitten?

God has angels to help with her work, The devil has politicians

I Love My Job, I Love My Job (Now will you please release my family?)

Christmas!!! I'm not even ready for Halloween!

Common sense is so rare it is often mistaken for genius.

Any fool can learn for experience. A wise person learns from the experience of others.

Somedays it is hard to remember which side of the Looking-Glass you are on.

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to

There are two important things to remember about surrealism. Frogs, powertools and the Lincoln memorial.

Bad cop, No Donut

Please don't be PERKY

Oh, EVOLVE!

I live in another dimension, but I have a summer home in reality

Everyone is watching you stare at my chest.

Sure you can trust the government, go ask a whale or an indian

Laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge.

Screw presidents! Let's have a high priestess for a change

Prozac: because some days you feel like a nut, some days you don't

Mentally confused and prone to wandering

My convictions are not for public display

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill

All stressed out, and no one to choke

Closet sinner

Due to intense mind fog, all thoughts have been grounded

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you want.

Hi, I don't remember your name either

I have the body of a god: Buddha

It's been lovely but I have to scream now.

Sin Boldly

Reality is when it happens to you.

When I get some money I buy books. If I have any left, I buy food and clothes

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Uh, oh. This isn't good. I've seen good before, and this isn't it. -Tom Servo

the best revenge is revenge.

I never want to be the windshield, but I'm really tired of being the bug.

Having an out-of-body experience ... back in 5

to cats, people are just furniture that does tricks.

Conserve water - Shower with a friend

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.

If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.

Drive defensively, buy a tank.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.

Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--

Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

Reality is a figment of your imagination.

Life is just one of those things.

Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.

Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!

You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.

I can handle pain until it hurts.

Live teddy bears are best.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

The ultimate reason is "because."

I'm objective; I object to everything.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.

Never give a sucker an even break; take everything you can from him.

Millions of years ago, man climbed out of the slime. You want to join the party?

Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.

It's only a game until you lose.

If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given us rabbit ears.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Fine day to work off excess energy, steal something heavy.

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

Everything is unimportant in some way.

Life is a terminal disease.

Your lucky color has faded.

Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!

Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining.

How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing?

The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it.

No matter where you go; you're there.

Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy, not with others, but with yourself.

Love isn't love until you give it away.

Don't take me literally.

Nothing is ever 100%

I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.

I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.

If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!

If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored.

It's not just reality that matters.

Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns.

The unexamined life is not worth living.

You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams come true.

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Avoid reality at all costs.

Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.

Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.

Save the whales, collect the whole set.

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

90% of everything is crud.

LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.

Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.

Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.

Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

If all else fails, throw up.

Do we know that life has a cause?

No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.

Fun is just point of view.

If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.

If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it?

My rules apply only to other people, not myself.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

It's only hopeless if you walk away.

Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.

Imagination is the foundation of reality.

The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.

Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Since when is talking a sign of thinking?

Looking to God for answers is premature.

I like quality, not quantity.

Why should I grow up? This is more fun!

I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out.

Reality is all a point of view.

Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.

Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex.

Hugs don't feel as good on the computer.

Speak softly, but carry an M16.

Change a life; make someone feel important.

Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.

It's all a pigment of your hallucination.

Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the valley.

Consider yourself hugged.

Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.

In theory, everything works.

Life is recursive.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.

Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.

Repetition is always better the second time.

Clever is getting out alive.

Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid.

Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.

Death is the consequence of being alive.

Life's a beach, and then you drown.

Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.

Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying)

Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.

Have a nice day . . . somewhere else.

Was today really necessary?

Life without bears would be unbearable.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.

I've no time to prepare a profound message.

Life is too important to be taken seriously.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person.

Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.

It's been Monday all week.

I'm surrounded by idiots!

Why be normal?

I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.

Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.

If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.

I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.

I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do.

Never trust a nun with a gun.

No matter how bad a situation is, if you can't laugh at it, you are in really deep shit.

Never go into a hug off balance.

Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.

Cute and interesting are two different things.

If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?

Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful.

It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.

Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks.

If life's a trip, then where's my ticket?

I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble.

If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively.

A kibble is one thousand nibbles.

Having a good time can be deadly.

Reality is only fantasy gone stale.

Be good; if you can't be good, forget it!

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Be fruit fly and multiple.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?

I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.

Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.

I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying.

If you can't be weird, why be?

It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.

Gravity always gets me down.

I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.

I'm serious; it was a joke.

Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.

If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it.

If I can't fix it, it ain't broken.

I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.

Now that I've finally got my act together, I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it.

I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty.

This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.

For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.

I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person hiding inside the body of a creep.

I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.

Being good at being stupid doesn't count.

Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.

You can't be late until you show up.

I just love nonverbal communication!

If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it.

You've gotta' die in creative ways.

They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck.

Get out of my reality!

If it's not nailed down, it's fair game.

It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal?

Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.

It's not when you get up, but when you get down.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.

To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.

Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy.

Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?

When in doubt, use brute force.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. (and nailing Jell-o to the wall)

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Look out! Behind you!

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day.

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.

You know it's a bad day when...
...the sun comes up in the west.
...you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
...the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
...you put both contact lenses in the same eye.
...your pet rock snaps at you.
...the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
... your income tax refund check bounces.
... you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
... Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.

Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Everything takes longer than you think.

Mother Nature is a bitch.

Smile... tomorrow will be worse.

When things just can't get any worse, they will.

Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.

Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.

Any given program, when running, it is obsolete.

Any given program costs more and takes longer

Hermits of the World... Unite

Bad Spellers of the world Untie!

Religious fundamentalists are a plague sent by God to punish us for our joys.

It will be a great day when our schools get all the guns they need and the Air Force has to beat people to death with loaves of zucchini bread.

I love animals -- They taste great!

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

We have enough youth. How about a "fountain of smart".

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

He's dead Jim. You get his wallet, I'll get his tricorder.

I use to be into necrophilia, beastiality, and sadism. Then I realized I was just beating a dead horse

Some days it's just not worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

You have got to have Soul. But, if you don't have Soul, Halibut will do. -Lew Zealand-