Umpire Jokes Page!

• What's the worst thing that can happen to an umpire when he gets home after a game?
  • His guide dog bites him.
• Why are umpires so useful to society in their day jobs?
  • Because speed humps can slow traffic and save lives.
• What's the hardest decision an umpire has to make after a game?
  • Which white cane to pick up in the dressing room.
• What do you call a good umpire?
  • Rare.
• How many umpires does it take to change a light bulb?
  • None, being able to see anything clearly has no relevance to their lives.
• What do you call an umpire with an IQ greater than his shoe size?
  • Gifted.
• An umpire went to heaven. On arriving at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him if he had done anything wrong in his life. He replied that he was umpiring a game between Richmond and Carlton at the MCG. With just a few minutes to go, and with Richmond 104-102 up, he gave a free kick to Carlton in front of the Richmond Members Stand. 'But', he said, 'it wasn't really a free kick'. St Peter said to him, 'when was this?'. The umpire looked down at his watch and said 'about 35 seconds ago'.
• A football player dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're a football player -- you're in the wrong place."

  So, the football player reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the football player gets dissatisfied with the lack of football fields in hell, and starts building and marking out numerous fields of play. After a while, they've got League competitions, Australian standard grounds and flush toilets and free admission, and the football player is a pretty popular guy.

  One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

  Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got League Competitions, Australian standard football grounds and flush toilets and free admission, and there's no telling what this football player is going to come up with next."

  God replies, "What??? You've got a football player? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

  Satan says, "No way. I like having a football player on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

  God says, "Send him back up here or I'll have you reported!"

  Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get an umpire?"

This list was originally knocked up in 20 minutes on a Sunday afternoon in December 1996, the last two were kindly contributed by Liz Linden -

Page last updated: 23rd November 2002