"So who are we expecting?" Kaileen asked Sally while we were waiting for our drinks.
"A dwarf, name of Radot the Mattock."
Stonegrip groaned and dropped his head to the table making a distinct thud. He put his hands over the back of his head and slowly started banging his head on the table, all the time muttering, "No, no, no, no." over and over again. We all watched this performance, mystified.
"What's the problem Stonegrip?" Sally asked. In an aside to me she said, "Does he do this sort of thing often?" I shook my head, certainly I hadn't seen it before.
"Do you think he might have said Radot of the mattock?" Stonegrip asked, looking up from his head- banging.
"Yes, now that you mention it, I believe he did. Do you know him?" Sally looked surprised.
"Sally, it's quite possible that I may end up liking you, but if you have dragged us all the way out here to meet a mountain dwarf, I just may never forgive you. Do you have any idea what mountain dwarves are like?"
"No." She looked confused.
"But you are a mountain dwarf, aren't you Stonegrip?" Stane asked, looking most confused.
"No, Stane, I am a dwarf who comes from the mountains. I am not a mountain dwarf, there is a world of difference. Mountain dwarves are short, hairy and stupid. They don't wash much, they drink too much, they can't fight and they have really dumb names." He glared at us, as if challenging us to say something. "You all think I'm exaggerating don't you? Well I'm not. Sally, remember when you started your training, you selected a few weapons to learn, right?" She nodded. No-one was even smiling as our friend, the 116 cm tall, 71 kg dwarf with a beard tucked into his belt, continued. (Mind you no-one ever called Stonegrip Swordbreaker stupid, or made fun of his name. Well, not more than once, anyway.) "Well these so-called dwarves select things other than weapons. Things like farming implements or household items. Don't think I'm joking, I once knew a mountain dwarf called Elwin of the Pot- Scraper. The toughest thing a mountain dwarf can ever aspire to is to specialise in more than one implement. In fact I knew one called Frajsli of Both Pick And Auger."
The image of a dwarf proudly sporting a pick and an auger, shaking them menacingly at an opponent proved too much and the last vestige of self-control vanished. We all burst out into laughter. Stonegrip tells a wonderful story. We laughed, threatening each other with spoons, waving our mugs at each other and generally being silly. All the while, Stonegrip Swordbreaker sat stony-faced, glaring at us.
"When you've quite finished, I'll finish my story."
"Of course, my friend. I'll just put my spoon down so you don't feel at all threatened." Kaileen was having trouble sitting straight on her stool. She wiped the tears from her cheeks, put her spoon down, and pretended to compose herself. It didn't work and she howled with laughter, losing control again.
"Very well then, be like that. Just when you meet this mountain dwarf, ask him who his Sovereign Liege Lord is. I guarantee you it will be Someone, Lord of Some Household Implement. Then ask how he was selected to be the boss." With that, a very grumpy Stonegrip stumped outside.
"So where's this dwarf of yours, Sally?" Stane asked, grinning.
"I'm not sure, he said he'd be here." She looked around. "Ah, here he comes."
A very faint odour of rotting meat drifted into the room. We all turned to look at a short, round dwarf who entered the room from a side door. He was dressed in a leather jerkin that reached to his knees and looked tight across his shoulders, brownish grey hose and heavy boots. The boots were too large and on the wrong feet. Everything about him was dirty, even his beard. And what a beard it was. It was thick, bristling and black, starting just below his eyes. In it were small tufts of grey and what were, I'm sure, twigs and bits of foliage. It extended out and down covering most of his chest. He was by far the most hairy dwarf I'd ever seen. There was hair on virtually every exposed piece of skin. Radot of the Mattock sniffed, wiped his bulbous nose on his damp sleeve and burped.
Last updated: 17/5/2002