Strangers’ Guide To Dartford And District

written by Robert McGlashan (1897-1977)

at No. 3 Australian Army Hospital, Dartford, Kent during the Great War

Facsimile of arms drawn by my great-uncle, Robert McGlashan.

DARTFORD is one of those small, restful, and yet attractive, seaside-resorts, situated quite near to the beautiful hamlet of the Brent, and has a charm of its own. It is a spot of some antiquity, and claims its share in the historic time of the Cavalier and Roundhead struggles, which brought about the capture by the Royalists of the heavily-fortified stronghold now known as the Joyce Green Infectious Hospital.

Pleasantly situated close to Long Reach-on-Thames, and some five feet below sea-level, DARTFORD is surrounded by open and wooded country, affording magnificent sea and land views. Its progress has been slow (although this cannot be said of some of the ladies of the locality), and its popularity as a bracing and breezy health resort dates from the time of the erection of a number of bungalow residences (known nowadays as the Orchard Military Hospital) during the latter half of the past century.

Among the other chief attractions of DARTFORD is a fine stretch of sandy beach affording a delightful view of the Chemical Works of Messrs Burroughs and Wellcome and the flour-mills of Messrs Keyes Ltd. Delightful walks abound in the district, notably the beautiful pine woods known as Rowhill Woods and the heather and gorse covered Common of Dartford Heath.

For the energetic, there is a choice of three Golf Clubs, a Cricket Club, and a Tennis and Hockey Club. DARTFORD is a bright, brisk, progressive manufacturing centre and has a great future before it. Finally, I should like to add that, to anyone in need of a stimulating and invigorating vacation, the salubrious atmosphere of DARTFORD offers every inducement.

CHAPTER I - THE PEOPLE OF DARTFORD AND DISTRICT

The population of Dartford, even in pre-war days, was a comparatively floating one. This fact can easily be recognised when the number of dialects spoken in the neighbourhood are taken into account. But as this is a war-time publication, it is with Dartford’s war-time population that I propose to deal.

To commence with, the present population of the town itself is approximately 20,000. Of this number, 60 per cent are English, 30 per cent Belgian, and the remaining 10 per cent are of that curious nationality known as Orsetralian. (Often referred to by the unlearned as "Australian").

With the English residents I do not for the moment intend to deal, as the subject is fully extended in Chapter II - "Languages". When the number of Belgians at present resident in the British Isles is taken into account, the small proportion of this nationality to the total population of Dartford strikes one as incongruous, and the explanation is obscure.

But is the Orsetralians to which this chapter is chiefly devoted. When the news of their impending occupation of the Orchard Hospital first reached Dartford, everybody aware of the reputation of the Orsetralians was at once up in arms at the thought of an invasion of the district by such canaille. Mass meetings of indignation were held, deputations waited on the authorities to protest against such an indignity, and the young woman-hood of the locality were strictly enjoined to eschew the acquaintance of such barbarians.

All efforts to cancel the existing arrangements proved to be fruitless, and early in October 1916 the arrival of the Orsetralians in Dartford was marked by a deep and general feeling of gloom throughout the neighbourhood, and this was not alleviated by the manner and behaviour of the newcomers, who seemed determined to ignore the fact that they were intruders.

During the last six months we have become accustomed to the presence in our midst of these unwelcome visitors, but nothing will ever cause us to overlook the fact that we are not accorded by them the respect due to our nationality.

Those representatives of Orsetralia, which is a small island off the coast of Tasmania (see map of the Southern Hemisphere) are a source of ever-lasting interest and amazement to a student of peoples. In appearance somewhat large and dark in comparison with our fellow-countrymen, these men possess national traits hitherto unknown in this country. Their most distinguishing characteristic is that of independence, which is so rigorously (and rightly) exterminated in the education of the English child, and that of an almost total disregard of convention.

They also seem to have no comprehension of the distinctions of caste. It is my unpleasant duty to record that their lack of subservience to their betters is carried to such an extent that on at least two occasions since the outbreak of war, I have been horrified to see an Orsetralian private pass an Officer of His Majesty’s Forces in a public thoroughfare without according to the latter the salute due to his exalted station!

But such enormities will pain my readers as they do myself so I pass to aspects of the subject nearer home to us. I have it on the authority of more than one learned gentleman of the neighbourhood that by far the larger part of the population of Dartford require mental treatment at least once every twelve months. The statement of this fact will enlighten many minds hitherto ignorant of the explanation of the number of Institutions for the Treatment of the Mentally Defective in the district.

Finally people of every class and description are to be found in the district, living in residences varying in splendour from Plough Court, to the mansion of Sir James Whithead at Wilmington. To deal with each type would necessitate years of research, and as this is intended for a thoroughly up-to-date Guide Book, and not an antique, we shall now pass to a dissertation of the Languages of the District.

CHAPTER II - THE LANGUAGES OF DARTFORD

It seems strange to one unaccustomed to travel in the United Kingdom to hear many dialects and languages spoken in one town, but of Dartford this is the case.

Speaking generally, the speech mostly heard in the town and district is English, but the number of languages that Dartford English comprises is indeed surprising, and their variations are apparently without limit.

First, and most general, is the peculiar semi-Cockney dialect, which seems to be inseparable from munition centres. Great experience is necessary to understand the drift of a conversation carried on in this speech, but to students of Modern Languages in search of further experience to further their knowledge I can heartily recommend the 5.53 pm Up train from Dartford as a means to that end. I am unable to furnish detailed information of the intricacies of this parlance, but the main idea of its diction appears to be the stringing together of more or less intelligible scraps of appropriate slang, each sentence being either preceded or followed by the cryptic word "Nottarf", this mysterious expression apparently being the key to the meaning of the sentence preceding or following it.

Great experience is indispensable to anyone wishing to become conversant with this language but such experience can only be gained at the expense of the innocence of the individual who seeks it, so in consequence I cannot recommend such a course to any other pure-minded person such as myself.

We now pass to the foreign element in the speech of the community at Dartford. As stated in Chapter I, there are a great number of Belgians at present resident in Dartford, rendering the sound of the Belgian language almost as familiar to the ear as that of England’s toiling womanhood. Not being an authority on this language, I leave a discourse on this subject to abler pens, and now pass to a short article on the tongue which our sensitive ears are so persistently afflicted by - I refer to the barbaric jargon in which our troublesome neighbours the Orsetralians converse amongst themselves.

Although unfortunately it cannot be denied that the sound of their speech bears some faint resemblance to our own sweet-sounding Mother-tongue, and their words on paper are precisely similar to our own, yet I am happily in a position to state that their manner of speaking is totally foreign to our own. For instance, the majority of these Orsetralians commit the unpardonable sin of pronouncing their words as the pronunciation is given in Standard dictionaries. What further enormity could surpass such "gauche" diction?

Further, it is an indubitable fact that a large portion of their conversation consists of expressions altogether foreign to our language. What intelligibility is there in such choice fragments of speech as "Cobber", "Dinkum", "Square the dink", "Sneezer", or "Strike me up a gum tree"? I pass to allow my indignation at such corruption of our beautiful language to pass, when I shall commence Chapter III, "The Recreations and Amusements of Dartford".

CHAPTER III - RECREATIONS AND AMUSEMENTS OF DARTFORD

As is to be expected in a country of pleasure-loving people, Dartford abounds with places of amusement and recreation. I shall commence this Chapter with a brief description of the public places of amusement.

First and foremost come Barnard’s "Opera House-de-Luxe". This magnificent edifice, noted throughout England for the grandeur of its architecture (which is of the Early Roman type), stands in a commanding position, and faces on Spital Street. To this home of high-class entertainment flock the thousands of lovers of the Terpsichorean Art, and it is a well-known fact that only artistes of the highest repute are able to secure engagements at this famous House. Some people have been known to be present night after night to see over and over again the performance of such musical feasts as "Ring Up" or "Follow the Crush".

Following next in order of the Dartford theatres is the huge and beautiful structure in Lowfield Street, known locally as the "Sinnymer", where pictorial representations of the best-comedies and drama that human art can produce are to be seen daily (Advt.)

Next in popularity as a place of amusement comes the lovely promenade of High Street, known to the district as "The Monkey’s Parade". Down this classic thoroughfare any beauty of Dartford, all animated with the universal desire to enjoy the glorious social benefits accruing from the society of one’s fellow-beings.

For the devotees of the art of Genee and Pavlova the management of the historic "Bull-Inn" cater weekly, and at these auspicious gatherings (known to the initiated as "the Bull Hops") and the disciples of "Gaby" may be seen at their best.

For those who prefer outdoor amusement and recreation, what could be more congenial than saunters over the beautiful expanses of Dartford Heath or pleasant walks through the verdant woods which abound in the locality? Of what more delightful memories than those of hours whiled away in the spacious depths of the Central Park?

In this chapter a treatise on the inns and cafes would be very suitable, but time and the present shortage of paper compel me to close with the mention of such uncommon names for the local inns as "The Bull", "The Bull and George", "The Coach and Horses", "The Rose and Crown" and many others. In the category of cafes the luxurious salon-de-luxe of Messrs Turner’s "Central Park Tea Rooms" shines above all others. (Advt.)

With a sincere recommendation of Dartford to fashionably-blasé individuals as a never failing source of relaxation from the trials and worries of life, I close Chapter III.

EPILOGUE

Thus ends "The Book of Dartford", which has been written with one object only - to while away pleasantly occasional dull hours. No malice has actuated any portion of its meanderings, and any criticism contained in it is entirely disinterested, and we hope that it will be accepted as such.

FEENISH