KERRY'S GUIDE TO HOUSEWORK- (for young flat dwellers)
GENERAL RULE. Housework
is only done as a surprise for someone else. If no-one
is going to be surprised by what you do then it's not
VACUUMING. The best way
to tackle this job is not to own a vacuum cleaner at all,
and make sure that none of your neighbours have one that
you can borrow. To clean the floor just pick up the gross
bits every day. When the dirt gets too much go and borrow
your parents' vacuum cleaner, clean the life out of your
flat then give it back to them unemptied.
DISHES. You do these only
when you go into the kitchen for some other reason and
mostly only when you need a clean bowl for the cat. Or
you may pick up something from the lounge, take it upstairs
and discover that all your glasses are up there. So you
bring them downstairs and start on the dishes. Because
doing the dishes is boring you turn on the tv and watch
soapies in between. You only do the dishes in the ad breaks
but if you get caught up in the stories... and in the
ads... and you let the water go cold, don't worry- there's
a good chance that when your partner comes home he or
she will get fed up with the look of dishes in cold dishwater
and finish them off for you.
CURTAINS. Only wash them
when you move from the flat.
WINDOWS. Never clean these,
even when you move from the flat because nobody knows
who dirtied them.
Never clean these either, not even when you move out.
You can always say the spiders got busy after you left.
STOVE. Plead ignorance
of the way to dismantle it and leave this for your partner
OVEN. Don't use it then
you won't have to clean it.
BED. Never make it because
you're only going to mess it up again. Just straighten
it up a bit before you climb in. Or better still, just
before bedtime, pretend to be too sleepy to bother and
get your partner to do it for you.
WASHING. Only when you
run out of clothes. Because you wash in loads of different
colours, white, black and then coloured, you start off
the week wearing only white then black and then by the
end of the week you might get to wear some colours. Having
a dryer helps, then you never have to hang anything on
OUT THE WASH. If you really must ... if, for instance,
the dryer has packed it in. Actually, hanging out the
washing is not the worst ... it's having to fold it up
after you bring it in. Make sure you have a basket in
the bottom of the wardrobe to contain all the ironing
you're not going to do.
HAND WASHING. Put this
off for as long as possible. Occasionally you will have
to do it because you've run out of clothes
DUST. Dust EVERYTHING.
It makes it look as if you've been working really hard
but won't wear you out.
FRIDGE. Clean ... when
you move out and after you've managed to spill Southern
Comfort and Coke in it. Chip ice out of the freezer section
when you can't open the door any more, or to make room
for more than the two items you have left in there.
TIDYING CUPBOARDS. Only
when you're looking for something or after you've packed
your bags during an argument and have to sort things away
later after you've made up.
FEEDING THE CAT. Ignore
till the meows become really persistent. Always have two
bowls so that when the feed dish is dirty you can use
the kibble dish.
TOILET AND BATHROOM. Sweep
the floor and dump the dirt, hair and all into the kitty
litter tray. Clean the tops of all the cabinets, toilet
cistern and shelves; wiping is not hard work and if the
tops are all clean people might overlook the dirt farther
down. Put blue stuff in the toilet. That works most of
the time but when you start to see the grot through the
blue you have to use the toilet brush. Use it on everything-
even the lid.
EVERY DAY. Clean the lounge
every day because you'll feel more comfortable watching
GETTING YOUR PARTNER TO
HELP. "I wish you'd do some of this yourself. I clean
up after you all the time. Who do you think I am- your
She didn't do it either."