Guinness and Chips Golf Club - Golfing Wisdom
The Golfer’s Bible
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Take a Pee Behind a 4 inch Post Without Being Seen
Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 11 - Should I Throw a Provisional Club?
Chapter 12 - Is my Friend in the Bunker or is the Bastard on the Green?
Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 15 - How and When to Apply the Hand Brake
Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever
A Barbra Streisand - Ugly, but still working
A Cathy Freeman - Not pretty but a good runner
A Cinderella - Almost missed the ball
A Circus Tent - A big top
A Condom - Safe but didn't feel real good
A Cuban - Needs one more revolution
A Diegio Maradonna - A very nasty 5 footer
A Douglas Bader - Looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs
A Gerry Adams - Playing a provisional
A Glen Miller - Kept low and didn't make it over the water
A Gynaecologist's assistant - Just shaves the hole
A Heath Ledger - Took one too many.
A James Joyce - A putt that's impossible to read
A Jean-Marie LePen - A long way right
A John Kennedy Jr. - Didn't quite make it over the water
A Karma Sutra - An interesting way into the hole
A Kate Moss - A bit thin
A Kate Winslett - A bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Ken Livingstone - Quite far left
A Lone Ranger - The only one on the fairway
A Michael Jackson - Gradually fading
A Mickey Mantle - A dead yank
A Monica - All lip and no hole
A Nipple Licker - A shot that opens up the hole
A Paris Hilton - A very expensive hole
A Paula Radcliffe - Not as ugly as a Cathy Freeman but still a good runner
A Peter Brock - Dead against a tree
A Princess Di - Shouldn't have taken a driver
A Princess Grace - Should have taken a driver
A Richard Hammond - Starts off down the middle like a rocket then veers off into the rough at the last minute.
A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out
A Robin Cook - Just died on the hill
A Rock Hudson - A putt that looked straight, but wasn't
A Rodney King - Over-clubbed
A Ryanair - Flies well but lands a long way from the target
A Salman Rushdie - An impossible read
A Scrotum - Two balls next to each other on the fairway
A Sister-in-law - I'm up there but I know I shouldn't be
A Sky Lab - A shot that is higher than it is long
A Sonny Bono - Straight into the trees
A Steve Irwin - Dead in the water
A Ted Kennedy - Goes in the water and jumps out
A Vinnie Jones - Nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Yasser Arafat - Ugly and in the sand
An Adolf Hitler - Two shots in the bunker
An Anna Kournikova - Looks great, but unlikely to get a result
An Arthur Scargill - A great strike but a poor result
An Elephant's Arse - It's high and it stinks
An Elton John - A big bender that lips the rim
An O. J. Simpson - Got away with it
Only a True Golfer Will Understand These
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ... for a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still 5 meters away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
It's easier to get up at 6:00AM to play golf than at 10:00AM to mow the lawn.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing Brain Surgery.
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