It was 42 degrees today, and not everyone could stand the heat, so they got out of the kitchen. Malcolm composed his own limerick on the subject.

I have to confess I'm a wimp

I golf with a wrist that is limp

'though mad dog I'm not

When massively hot

I'll sit in the bar like a blimp

Neil then responded with the following (patched up by Dave to make it scan).

I have to agree that the wimp

Plays golf like a one-legged chimp

But he surely cannot

Imagine he's hot

When mostly he looks like a pimp

We played ambrose on the Old course today. This group of three, even with the benefit of being able to choose the best shot out of three each time, managed to score 5 on a par 3!

When choosing, from three balls, the best

Your score should be par if not less

But one group had trouble

They scored bogey double

They should be put under arrest

A sequel (and close relative) to limerick number 88.

Ed's first shot was less good than beaut

His second was more of a hoot

It flew in the air

But travelled nowhere

And it trickled back onto his boot

Neil's golf today was a roller coaster ride, especially the contrasting scores between his fourth and fifth holes.

The fourth hole was Neil's crowning glory

The fifth was a quite different story

The birdie was fine

But then came a 9

His score went from gorgeous to gory

Yawn.

Today at golf, nothing occurred

No major emotions were stirred

No moose and no eagle

No act was illegal

And Malcolm did not kill a bird

Another misadventure for the Director.

When Malcolm took aim he was calm

He felt no concern or alarm

But he ran out of luck

His ball it got stuck

In the heart of a zamia palm

It was Mike's 500th round with the club today. Poor Mike got off to a terrible start, losing both his first tee shot and his mulligan in the lake by the first fairway.

One's 500th round, you would think

Should be like a jewel with no chink

We all came to look

But Mike went hook, hook

And landed them straight in the drink

It was wet today. Don McFarlane put down his brolly at one point to drive, and then left it behind. Mal found it and put it in the bin!

If wet weather hits your golf day

Don't drop your umbrella, I'd say

'cos if Mal comes behind

And your brolly he finds

He'll grab it and throw it away

116

Matt was again driving with extraordinary distance today, putting the group in front in grave peril.

Matt's driving was much more than fair

His group could do nothing but stare

The next group, they scattered

In case blood was splattered

On three holes he gave them a scare

Matt's driver was in fine form today, the highlight being his drive onto the green on the par-4 eighth hole.

Matt's drives were as good as I've seen

His length on the 6th was obscene

The best came on 8

A smack that went straight

He rolled it right onto the green

The Director is currently in the UK (probably provoking the street riots) but that hasn't stopped him securing the coveted limerick of the week. It is written, at the orders of The Captain, in response to the photo, which was taken by The Captain's brother.

When Malcolm gets dressed he has flair

But he likes to put flowers in his hair

Now this is exposed

A question is posed

Is he stallion or is he a mare

Don managed to hit one of the shortest shots in the history of golf. His driver touched the ball so slightly that it moved only an inch or two forwards.

Don's tee shot made everyone tense

He stood with a steely eye lens

The red markers beckoned

But nobody reckoned

He'd not get as far as the men's

There are a number of limericks below about the Director's diabolical performances on the 9th hole. With Malcolm away today, it seems that Mike decided to channel his play on the 9th, including hitting three balls into the lake.

The Director on nine has a curse

It makes him all haggard and terse

We missed Malcolm's art

So Mike played his part

He almost performed even worse

Mike had problems with shanking it today, including one hole where he did it twice in a row. At least on that occasion it had a happy ending.

Mike's drive on the 18th was hot

He then hit two shanks on the trot

When he finished with bogie

It was like a gold logie

His earlier yips were forgot

We offer a prize for nearest the pin in 3 on the long par 5 sixth hole. Mal was on the green after two strokes, but alas, not after three. (The claim in the limerick that his ball reached the rough is a slight exaggeration, but I needed a rhyme.)

The par 5 made Mal feel quite keen

In two shots he drove to the green

His putt was a fluff

It rolled to the rough

His silence disguised thoughts obscene

As his retirement present, Malcolm's co-workers bought him a battery powered buggy for his golf bag. Malcolm initially had some considerable difficulties coming to terms with how to steer the thing. (Thanks Don McFarlane for this limerick.)

They gave Mal an aid to survive

They thought it would keep him alive

He zigged and he zagged

Behind his golf bag

Another thing Malcolm can't drive!

Andy Connor provided this comment on Don's putting behaviour.

When practicing putts near the green

Remember Don's golf rule 16

If the ball moves a lick

Just replace it real quick

Then look round to check non-one's seen

On the sixth, Don did the biggest slice I've ever seen, and then declared, rather boldly, that he'd never previously sliced in his life. We were a little doubtful about that.

Don's golf often gets him in strife

When he talks about golf, lies are rife

He hit wildly right

And exclaimed through lips tight

I have never once sliced in my life

Geoff is the first club member to play 500 rounds.

Geoff started this golfing club biz

At captaining Geoff is a wiz

But one thing astounds

After 500 rounds

His score should be less than it is

Today was Malcolm's first round after retiring.

Retirement you shouldn’t take lightly

The timing you need to do rightly

For Malcolm’s wife Jane

The future’s a pain

‘Cos wandering the house he’s unsightly

St John's efforts to drive right to the green of the par-4 eighth hole have been recorded here before (see limericks 9 and 52). But this time he genuinely made it, and was only a couple of metres off hitting hole in one. The problem was that his drive landed dangerously close to the two groups waiting at the ninth tee.

When St John takes tee shots on 8

It's history he hopes to create

The mad man he reckons

A hole in one beckons

Who cares if he murders a mate

Don had a round to forget, highlighted by two windies in a row.

For Don the unfortunate fact is

He needed a little more practice

First one windy came

Then one more the same

His golfing it really was cactus

Geoff wasn't happy with his first tee shot on the first hole, so he took a mulligan. Here's what happened.

When Geoffrey teed off on the first

He attempted to make the ball burst

Although he swung hard

It went not a yard

Of all of our shots, his was worst

No limerick today, but check out the new page of GCGC videos here, or click on the picture.

Club captain Geoff Weir determined that the events of this week warranted more than just a limerick - they needed a ballad. So here it is - a story of Nordic Saga proportions.

The ballad of the GCGC

A group of merry hackers
Went to have a happy hit
The game they played was ambrose
They were handsome, they were fit

Little did they know that
There’d be trouble to endure
Before day’s end they’d feel like
They’d been pelted with manure

The first concern emerged when
They were waiting to begin
The course was running late
And there were people pushing in

They watched some duffers teeing off
Who clearly couldn’t play
It started to appear that
It would be a trying day

They felt things were improving
When they finally took the tee
The golfing gods made certain
It was never going to be

Our heroes tried to hit it hard
They gave it quite a shake
The problem was that seven balls
Went straight into the lake

The round went very slowly
‘til they reached the seventh tee
But then it stopped completely
They were fully stationary

They looked ahead to try to see
What’s gumming up the works
The problem was a giant group
Of very drunken jerks

The jerks were being raucous
They were naughty, rough and loud
They threw things at each other
They were quite a crazy crowd

They rode upon the buggy roof
Which isn’t proper use
And when the Pro Shop intervened
They merely copped abuse

The GCGC finally
Came limping to the end
They talked of who to knacker
And of emails they would send

The day went down in history
In our memory it burns hot
Whenever we drink Guinness
It will never be forgot

GCGC waiting at the seventh tee for the drunken jerks.

100

Neil pushed his golf into unknown territory today, scoring an extraordinary 20 over his handicap for nine holes. We had trouble finding a suitable rhyme for 'twenty' until Don McFarlane came up with 'benty', which describes many of Neil's shots rather well.

Most of Neil's shots were quite benty

His score for the round, it was plenty

His scorecard it shines

With elevens and nines

The result was too many by twenty

To hit a ball into a tree is unfortunate. To his the same tree twice in successive shots is tragic. This was Mike's fate on the seventh.

The golf gods are not always nice

To torment us all is their vice

Compassion they've none

With Mike they had fun

He clobbered the same gum tree twice

Wembley Golf Course has changed to an on-line booking system, with the result that our captain no longer has to front up every Thursday morning to make bookings. Don McFarlane developed some simple guidelines for us to follow to ensure that the new system works smoothly for us, but one or two of us have had trouble following the instructions, particularly the Mitchells.

Our club Geoff the captain still leads

But his booking skill no-one now needs

We book it on-line

The system works fine

With instructions no Mitchell man heeds

Don's trademark hook affected his tee shot on the sixth, leaving him in a very difficult position among the trees. He had to keep the ball low to avoid hitting a horizontal branch just in front of him, so he pulled out his putter. 

After hooking it left off the tee

Don's next shot you rarely would see

His swing was constrained

His face it looked pained

As he putted it into a tree

Malcolm's ninth-hole hoodoo returned with full force today. After getting to 9 off the tee, he asked for a "mercy gimme 10". His playing partners were so shell-shocked from what they had witnessed that they very generously granted his request.

Our Malcolm had all he could take

Four balls in a row in the lake

A gimme he sought

His mates said they ought

To grant it, for everyone's sake

Don did the booking today, while our captain Geoff Weir is apparently off contributing to the delay of peak oil. (Limerick by Jeff Flint.)

Our young Don has done the golf booking

As well, he is far better looking

Than Weir whose toil

Is looking for oil

But booking won’t stop his wild hooking

Don McFarlane's right of reply to Jeff's limerick above.

An email from Jeffery Flint
With content that's not fit to print
He wastes his work time
Producing this rhyme
No wonder the government’s skint

We played ambrose today. We play in pairs, and each member of the partnership has to contribute at least three drives to the round. After 8 holes, Ed had only contributed 2 drives, so his drive on the 9th hole was going to count, no matter what.

For Edward a lot was at stake

The pressure was too big to take

No margin for error

Ed stood there in terror

And hit the ball into the lake

After a typically wild shot, Don found himself with a broad and thick forest of trees between his ball and the green. There followed what Tony Smith described as "shot of the century".

Don's bash through the forest was hot

A once in a century shot

It hummed through the trees

No higher than knees

And finished 10 feet from the pot

Tony Smith was standing on the green when he got hit on the bum by an over-hit incoming ball from Ed. Ed took full advantage and sank the putt.

Ed clobbered the ball off the grass

As usual his shot it had class

He had a clear goal

To get to the hole

He did, but the hole was an arse

Matthew surprised himself with an amazing tee shot on the eighth hole. It's a par 4 hole, but Matthew had the help of a pretty strong tail wind.

Matt reached the eighth tee bright and keen

And hit the best 4 iron I've seen

Across lake and tree

Across the 9th tee

It finished up close to the green

Ed today managed a shot that should be physically impossible. He swung the club forwards, and it hit the ball, but the ball travelled backwards. It wasn't that it bounced off a tree or anything. It was just that he topped it so much that is was driven straight down into the ground, bounced up, and rolled backwards.

As Ed swung the club to up-wind

He pictured the flag in his mind

He's now broken hearted

'Cos where his ball started

It finished a metre behind

As part of our Grand Final celebrations, we awarded Limerick of the Year. The finalists were number 49 (Geoff Weir), 51 (Mike McCormack), 68 (Neil Mitchell) and 75 (Don Eastwood). The winner, judged by last year's winner Malcolm Moore, was number 68. Congratulations Neil.

From a look at the recent limericks on this page, you'd think that Malcolm was almost the only remaining member of this club. I was determined not to write about him again this week, but then he went and scored an eagle! After his recent golfing trials, there was no way this could go unrecognised. 

Though his golf may be subject to doubt

The Director on 6 made them shout

The men kept their eye on

The shot from his iron

He sunk it from 150 out

Yet again, the Director does a spectacular crash and burn on the short par-3 ninth hole. Today he'd been playing quite well until then, but he twice went into the water in front of the tee, then went into a lake way left of the green, then hit across the green into the rough, then almost went into a bunker, finishing with 10 for a moose. This is getting worse, not better!

It's getting beyond friendly jokes

When Mal reaches 9 his game croaks

His tee shot's a noose

Today came a moose

We don't understand why he chokes

85

Dean had a shocking time on the par 3 9th hole today, struggling to get out of the bunker, and then putting back into it, amongst other misadventures.

A golfer called Dean played sublime

Until he reached hole number 9

His score wasn't heaven

His mates said 11

They stopped him to save drinking time

After today we have decided to name the ninth hole in honour of 'the Director'. His first ball hit the water a few metres to the left of a duck, skipped a few times and sank. His second shot hit the concrete wall just near the duck and ricocheted back into the water. The duck decided it was time to leave, probably because the Director has form. To save balls, he took a drop on the other side to the water and hit this shot 30 metres along the ground into a large bunker. He finished with an 8 on a short par 3. (Thanks Don McFarlane for starting these limericks.)

The Director’s a happy old soul

Who everyone likes to cajole

But one thing we’ve found

His ball hugs the ground

It won’t fly but boy can it roll

 

For one of the holes on these links

A low skimming shot really stinks

It’s quite a mistake

To roll on the lake

Cos 9 times in 10 the ball sinks

On the ninth today, Malcolm, or the "Director", played one of the most extraordinary holes in the history of the GCGC. First, his tee shot hit the nearby sign (which shows the hole number and a map of the hole) end on, and the ball bounced back onto the eighth fairway. His second shot went into the thick shrubs next to the ninth tee, requiring a drop. His next shot went into the lake, just in front of the tee, requiring another drop. Finally, his sixth shot flew across the lake and ran up to the flag, for a relatively easy putt, which he sank for a fine seven.

The Director stepped up and went whack

It bounced off the sign and shot back

Again he went bash

To the bush and then splash

But still his resolve did not crack

This limerick recounts the first stage of a thoroughly tragic hole.

My shot was quite good off the tee

I'm happy with that one, said me

But then came a shock

'Cos like Peter Brock

I found my self dead by a tree

We played on the 'Old' course for a change. To commemorate Ed's score of 70 (for 9 holes) Don McFarlane composed the following.

Ed stands as a man amongst men

A rooster but never a hen

We played on the 'Old'

To help break the mould

But poor Ed hit three score and ten

Tony moved to India for work a few months back, and now plays at the Clover Greens course near Bangalore. I'm sure it's not as good as playing with the GCGC.

To Bangalore Tony has shifted
But his spirit has fallen, not lifted
‘Cos when Saturday comes
He misses his chums
Who are clever and handsome and gifted

To which Tony replied ...

There’s a rumour my spirit is blue

But don’t worry! – that just isn’t true

Tho I do miss the Chips

I’ve hot curry dips

And an excellent new golfing crew

For a change we went to the Burswood course and battled with the many lakes and bunkers. St John lost his battle with the challenging 11th hole, which has nothing between the tee and the green except a wide stretch of water.

A five off the tee is not fine

But still it's no help if you whine

So St John tried hard

To better his card

And managed to salvage a nine

On par-three holes we have a competition for the player whose ball ends up nearest the pin. But it has to be the right pin! Dean's ball bounced off a wall and ended up on the green of a different hole. Limerick by Don McFarlane and Dave Pannell.

Some holes we play ‘nearest the pin’

To hit it wide isn’t a sin

But poor muddled Dean

He hit the wrong green

Which isn’t the best way to win

Don's round was a bit better than last week, but his tee shot on the second hole was remarkable, going at 90 degrees to his intended direction and bouncing between two passing cars.  

The road is for driving, not drives

To keep this in mind our Don strives

But teeing the second

The nearby street beckoned

He's lucky he didn't take lives

Poor Don had a dreadful round: 64 for 9 holes.

The Beatles "When I'm 64"

Refers to their ages I'm sure

But Don's a bit dim

He thought they meant him

So he copied the song with his score

We played 18 holes this week. The first 9 were terrible for Dean but he scored his personal best on the second 9. Don McFarlane imortalised his feat.

Dean golfs and he also keeps bees

While swinging he don't bend his knees

His play was quite nifty

He even broke 50

By keeping away from the trees

An eventful week, spawning three limericks. Neil had a shocker, marked by numerous tee shots veering off alarmingly to the right. Most strikingly, from the ninth tee, which has a lake immediately in front of it, he performed a miracle shot.

One the ninth tee the green is in sight

You don't have to hit it with might

There's water to cross

Neil showed us who's boss

By missing the lake to the right

p.s. It turns out that I was misinformed, and this happened on the eighth hole, rather than the ninth, but one shouldn't let the truth get in the way of a limerick.

Matthew wore some new golf apparel, purchased on-line from the US, but his score went backwards.

When golfers require attention

They wear pants too garish to mention

If Matt thought his tweeds

Would help his golf deeds

He suffered a misapprehension

It's not unusual for one of us to lose a ball, but Geoff managed to contrive a creative new way to do so.

Geoff's golf went from dark down to darker

His drive hit the red ladies' marker

It flew in the air

And fell who know where

Poor Geoff felt his round was a farker

Matthew has performed the rare feat of winning the cash two weeks in a row, playing golf of a quality that is quite inconsistent with his generous handicap.

To Matthew you just have to hand it

He's so good we don't understand it

His handicap lags

So every tongue wags

They argue he must be a bandit

Don Eastwood asked Neil for some advice on how to get out of a bunker they both found themselves in. Neil gave him some tips which Don applied successfully. But then Neil himself took six shots to get out of the bunker.

Neil's bunker advice will amaze ya

His skill on the sand it will daze ya

He told Don his tricks

But himself he took six

So I'd like to propose euthanasia

Don usually bets with Ed, when possible, but with Ed away, he settled for a bet with Malcolm. 

When Malcolm or Don play, we suffer

They had a bet, duffer to duffer

Who won or played worse?

Who took the large purse?

Well really, we don't give a stuff-er

It's early days for Dean in the GCGC. Our newest member has had his commitment to golf challenged in some recent rounds, but he's hung in there and comes back for more.

Dean's golf has its troughs and its peaks

He can't yet achieve what he seeks

With practice and care

And courage quite rare

He soon will break 60 most weeks

Neil had a stunning day with 46 and 44 (unusually, we played 18 holes).

Neil's golf hit a wonderful peak

His scoring was quite magnifique

In glory he basks

But the question one asks

Is can he repeat it next week?

p.s. 01/05/10: No.

Mike McCormack provided this week's composition. It isn't actually a limerick. Mike describes it as an ode.

His name is Dave, the golfing scribe

And from his pen you cannot hide

Be it ducks or clothes or being late

His pen does not prevaricate

Geoff made a point of telling us we had to be on time this week, but then was late himself.

Geoff told us we must be on time

If you're late it will be a great crime

He came late and unkempt

And claimed he's exempt

So we captured his failure in Rhyme

Mal drove his buggy on down the second fairway, oblivious to what was going on behind him ...

Mal's clubs on the buggy's behind

Fall off for the next group to find

He can't hear them fall

Sees nothing at all

He seems to be deaf and quite blind

On the first hole, we allow a "mulligan" - one free second shot if you don't like your first. Malcolm's first shot went into the bush, so he took his mullie, but he duffed that too; it went about 10 cm. So he brazenly took the law into his own hands and had an unauthorised second mullie. As usual, the golf gods had their revenge.

The Director's shot wasn't a snorter

His mulligan made him distraughter

He knew what to do

Take mulligan two

But it trickled straight into the water

Thanks to Jeff Flint for suggesting "distraughter" as a rhyme for "water".

This limerick was team effort, started by Don McFarlane and finished by Dave.

A Guinness post-golf with the guys

Is a pleasure Mike often denies

He only appears

For after-game beers

If he thinks he is winning a prize

One of Mike's worst rounds for a long time. 

Poor Mike had a round to forget

It may well have been his worst yet

Despite his big score

What hurt even more

The Director scored less gross and net

St John hit a shocking shot off the green on the 9th. It went low, bounced off the water, and ran up to the hole. He got the prize for nearest the pin. Unbelievable. There is no justice in golf.

On 9 St John's shot was quite dirty

He was thinking he'd swear and get shirty

Bit it skimmed, bounced and rolled

To nearest the hole

And to cap it he sank a fine birdy

Don played like a fine golfer at times today, mainly after he'd just had coaching from Andy.

You might think that Don's golf is crappy

That he plays with a cane that's tip tappy

But his tee shot on three

Was something to see

And for once, with his golf, Don was happy

GCGC stalwart Tony Harding is going to move to India for a few years. To mark the event, we held an Indian golf day today. Andy's apparel was Indian, but not quite the right Indian (he's the left-most in the photo).

Our Indian golf day was dandy

But mighty confused was poor Andy

He came as a squaw

But a plus side for sure

Is we couldn't confuse him for Gandhi

Limerick number 49 records a tragic story of Geoff being refused a gimme on the seventh, and then missing the downhill putt. Mal thought he'd try the same thing out on Dave, even though Andy had already given the gimme.

My ball skirts the hole, stops above it

When Andy says "gimme" I love it

But Mal says it's not

You must take the shot

I sink it, so Mal you can shove it

A Kelly Gang member is Mike

He can run, he can jog, he can hike

At golf he hits jewels

If you need the golf rules

He can tell you as quick as you like

Geoff whacked a ball from a greenside bunker, right across the green towards a group standing at the next tee. He would have cleaned up Mike, but for his quick instinctive reaction, described below.

Geoff Weir doesn't quite play off scratch

He today hit a shot without match

From the bunker, cross green

To the tee of 15

Where Mike, in his hat, took a catch

Limerick number 9 from May last year documents St John's regular disastrous attempts on the 8th hole to drive across water and trees straight to the green, rather than taking the safer route along the fairway. Last week he finally managed to do it, but the golf gods still had their revenge.

When St John's on eight we tell jokes

But his bad driving skills are a hoax

Yes he drove to the green

But the next bit's obscene

'Cos to sink it he took six more strokes

Mike's dress standards really caught the eye today.

There are great golfers and there are shockers

There are great footy teams and there's Dockers

There's fashion and flair

And clothes debonair

And then there are Mike's knickerbockers

Dougie has a bad back, but this week made a rare appearances to play with the GCGC.

A golfer we rarely have seen

Is Dougie from Scotland the green

On the first hole he roared

A birdy he scored

But he couldn't do that for 18

We have a rule that if a player's ball is so close to a hole that they would almost certainly sink it, any of their playing partners can declare it a gimme, meaning that they don't have to putt it out. Geoff asked for a gimme on the 7th hole, but it was turned down, and the justice of that decision was revealed when Geoff took three putts to sink it.

Geoff thought a sure gimme he'd got

His friends said a gimme it's not

You must putt it out

He gave it a clout

And to sink it he needed three shots

Tiger is in the news for what he calls "transgressions". It was such a big topic of conversation that it needed to be a limerick.

With Tiger Woods golf's a profession

He's perfect from session to session

But when off the course

He's randy and coarse

He's bound to commit a transgression

The golf today was incredibly slow. We seemed to spend more time standing around than playing golf, as the group in front had two learners and made no effort to hurry.

The golf was so slow we could weep
We wandered about like old sheep
We lost our momentum
Frustrations we pent ‘em
And after each shot we could sleep

With Dave Pannell away this week, the Club nominated a limerick sub-committee to do the job. Their limerick is so awful that it's worth preserving here. It is an attempt to describe Malcolm's stunning efforts on the 9th, including his tee shot that bounced off the water and ended up in a bunker. (A Barnes Wallis is a shot that skims off water, in the style of The Dam Busters.)

Young Malcolm’s swing is most curious
Awful poise, and often quite furious.
But he can sometimes take solace
From the odd jammy Barnes Wallis
And from arithmetic best described as spurious.

Geoff Weir's sensibilities were so offended by the above "limerick" that he made the following comment, in limerick form, and his limerick does actually scan.

We know limericks are supposed to be witty
They should scan and be audibly pretty
Not vulgar and rude
Or bordering on crude
Like a camel designed by committee

Malcolm himself got in on the act, with this unforgettable ode to his own brilliance, which cleverly goes well beyond the Committee's efforts, in that it not only doesn't scan, but also doesn't rhyme, doesn't flow, and in parts doesn't make sense. But it's still great!

As Mal’s fine ball skimmed the lake
The boys were aghast and agape
As it danced its way into the sand
But his chip made it land
Six inches from the pin, but he didn’t get a ‘gimme’ so get stuffed!

Finally, a first limerick from Ken Norquay (with a bit of input from Dave Pannell), which neatly wraps up the other three limericks from this week. Four in one week!

The lads might play 18 or nine
But Geoff still won’t get there in time
He’s a self-confessed wimp
And his limericks are limp
But compared to the Director’s, they’re fine

Ambrose Cup day, and once again Graham was victorious, this time partnering with Mike McCormack. Graham is making a habit of this (he's won three out of the last four Ambrose Cups), hence Don McFarlane's limerick.

He’s as Aussie as "Stone the Crows"
And he’s clearly the king of Ambrose
Graham’s golf is erratic
But he won, he’s ecstatic
How he does it each time, no-one knows

The round started extremely well for Tony, with an eagle 3, and extremely badly for Ed, with 9, almost a moose.

Our Tony and Ed they were paired

They played golf for keeps, with teeth bared

It's a funny old game

And we aren't all the same

That's why Edward got Tony's score squared

Ken was a long way from the flag after three shots on the 8th but made par with a huge putt:

After three shots our Ken was in strife

But his nerve you could cut with a knife

He just clenched his gut

Sunk a 60 foot putt

So I'd choose him to putt for my life

Neil had a bad week, especially getting consecutive 12s on the fifth and sixth holes. Don McFarlane captured Neil's pain:

Neil's golfing is sometimes quite poor
He can build up a worrying score
A problem arose

Counting fingers and toes
'Cos in two holes he scored twenty four

Mike McCormack 3/10/09

Mike was observed giving instructions and advice to a group of strangers today, but then messing up his shot when he demonstrated exactly how do do it.

Mike spotted a golf group of three

His wisdom he gave them for free

They weren't sure they'd need it

Much less did they heed it

When Mike duffed his shot off the tee

As part of our Grand Final celebrations, we voted for Limerick of the Year. The finalists were limericks number 5 (Malcolm Moore), 16 (Tony Smith), 20 (Graham Cargeeg) and 27 (St John Kenny). The winner, by a good margin, was number 5. Congratulations Malcolm.

Malcolm Moore 19/09/09

There were some kids lurking in the bush near the third hole today.

A white ball our Malcolm assaulted

It rolled and it rolled 'til it halted

He stood there unworried

But Mal should have hurried

'Cos kids nicked the ball and then bolted

Don McFarlane and Jeff Flint 12/09/09

Jeff suffered a painful blow on the ankle from a golf ball hit by Don. We know why Don did it.

At golf Don's a man on a mission

He is ruthless with little contrition

He hit Flinty's ankle

A tactic that wrankles

He's driven to cut competition

Geoff Weir 5/09/09

Thanks to Don for this week's limerick.

We bow to our leader Geoff Weir

His bark is one no-one doth fear

We think it is poor

When he's late for the draw

But he never is late for his beer

Mike McCormack 29/08/09

We started later than usual today, and as a subtle protest Mike brought along a miner's helmet with light, which for some reason is in his  mouth.

Mike doesn't like playing at night

So he brought his own head-mounted light

He can see far and near

But it still isn't clear

If his golf will be dark or be bright

Andy Connor 29/08/09

This one was penned by Tony Harding.

Our Andy sure knows how to play

And we know he can hit a fair-way

Though he's not had a blinder

We've got to be kinder

'Cos this day is Andy's birthday

Don won the money this week, in no small part due to two outstanding shots where he pitched into the hole from long range. ("Jock" means a Scott,)

McFarlane is Scottish in sound

And Scotland is sacred golf ground

He sounds a stock Aussie

But he's really Jock 'cos he

Can pitch it in twice in one round

This week we played ambrose again, mostly in teams of three. The winners were Tony Smith, Ed Stephenson and Dave Pannell. Ed's putting heriocs made a crucial contribution to the win, especially a very long one on the fifth.

Dave and Tony they putted like mugs

And they wrote off the hole with glum shrugs

But Edward stepped up

Put the ball in the cup

So they sent him to testing for drugs

Neil has a highly distinctive stance, involving the ball being level with, or sometimes even behind, his right foot, and his hands well forward. He also likes to wabble his toes for quite a while before hitting the ball. Because of his stance, the ball tends to fly very flat.

When Neil Mitchell steps up to unwind

He positions the ball far behind

He wobbles his toes

He hits the ball low

And then has a lost ball to find

This one is contributed by Tony Harding. There could be some sour grapes here as Geoff won their weekly bet. Geoff's magazine promises to "Save 6 shots by Saturday"!

GW's known to be plucky

He's never been known to be lucky

But when on hole five

He stuffed up his drive

His chip then bisected the buggies

Mal Gammon 25/07/09

Mal's handicap has moved upwards in recent weeks, but he returned to his best today, taking the pot with a net score 6 below par. Very suspicious!

Mal's handicap used to be seven

By tactics it shot to 11

We called him a bandit

He says he can stand it

'Cos winning the money is heaven

St John Kenny 18/07/09

St John was caught putting a bucket of practice balls into his car boot. There was a perfectly innocent explanation: he paid for the balls but then realised there was too little time to use them, so he was going to have a practice after our round. However, the golf shop was not amused.

On the driving range St John hit naught

He pulled out when the minutes ran short

In the boot went the lot

But I think he forgot

That the main thing is not to get caught

Ed Stephenson 18/07/09

Guest limerickist Tony Harding witnessed the following.

Now this is a tale of young Ed

Whose scoring went into the red

His third on the first

Was one of his worst

It pitched up straight into his head

St John Kenny 18/07/09

Limericks seem to have become a bit of a craze for our club. Here are two more late additions by Geoff Wier. The first is another take on St John's misdeed.

St John’s putting can sometimes bear fruit
It can help him make off with the loot
He’ll practice his skill
By putting at will
He’ll even put balls in his boot

David Pannell 18/07/09

And then there is this from Geoff Weir.

Dave's knack with the limericks is neat

He pens them like clockwork each week

We feed him the fuel

He turns out a jewel

He's a panel that cannot be beat

Andy Connor 11/07/09

On the long par-5 sixth hole, we have a prize each week for the player whose third shot is nearest the pin.

Andy's well known to give it a clout

When he hits it, it's hit without doubt

His nearest the pin

Was so close it was in

'Cause he pitched in from 50 yards out

Don Eastwood 4/07/09

Don achieved a rare feat on the ninth hole: his score equaled the combined scores of his three playing partners, Don McFarlane, Ed Stephenson and Dave Pannell. To be fair, they each got birdie two's, but still ...

Don, David and Ed are so kind

They will play with Don E and not mind

On the ninth they played great

And they one-putted straightl

But poor Don hit their three scores combined

Dave Pannell 4/07/09

Guest limerickist Don McFarlane tells the sad story.

Young David is everyone's mate

But a steep sloping green is his hate

His second shot flew

On the green in just two

But he walked off ashamed with an eight

Graham Cargeeg 21/06/09

Graham would like to forget his performance on the the fourth hole today, but that won't be possible now that it is immortalised in limerick. He finished with a nine, but the real pain came at the start of the hole. Hades (pronounced "hay dees") refers to the abode of the dead, or hell.

Graham knows what a draw and a fade is

But he must think the fourth hole is Hades

'Cos today, the poor bloke

When he took his fourth stroke

He was barely in front of the ladies

Mike Kelly and Malcolm Moore 21/06/09

Tony Harding generously donated wine for the winner of today's rare stableford competition.

On a day when it rained and it poured

We chose to attempt stableford

Michael Kelly came through

The Director did too

And tonight they can drink their reward

Tony Smith was heard to observe that Don Eastwood's management of buying the beers tonight was almost as chaotic as Morris's attempt - Hi Morris!

Don Eastwood 6/06/09

Don rarely breaks 50, but he had a screamer of a round today, with a 47, for a net 32.

As a Yorkshireman Don can be thrifty

But his golfing today was quite nifty

Two or three drives went far

Two or three holes were par

He was so good he even broke 50

Morris Kirkham 30/05/09

Tony Smith's father in law visited him from England for seven weeks, and we had the pleasure of his company for most Saturdays of those weeks. Today was his last round before returning home.

Farewell Morris, we're sorry you're goin'

Will we see you again? There's no knowin'

You have had to endure

Insults blunt and obscure

But you still are our favourite blow in

Tony Smith 23/05/09

Tony plays very casually, but his handicap hovers around scratch.

While we struggle and strive to play well

Tony Smith finds it easy as hell

He's a legend, a hero

His handicap's zero

Thank God he's not handsome as well

 

Such talent can rarely be found

He doesn't use tees, just the ground

We don't moan or mope

But we secretly hope

That he cocks up and has a bad round

16

15

St John Kenny 23/05/09

St John hit a rare 12 on the par 4 5th hole, including three lost balls. This contributed to a score of 28 for the second three holes. Tony Harding witnessed the events and was inspired to compose the following.

Our St John went out for a bash

He dreamed he would take home the cash

But his score took a delve

When he carded a 12

And he didn't say much but, "Oh dash"

Ed Stephenson 16/05/09

Ed's dress standard this week impressed us all.

As handsomeness goes, this group rocks

We don't need smart suits or botox

At the end of the day

We look more than OK

But the highlights are Ed's shoes and socks

Graham Cargeeg 16/05/09

After last week's glory, Graham had a bad week, slicing all but one of his drives.

Big Graham steps up and decrees

The next one will fly on the breeze

He draws the club back

And gives it a whack

And slices it over the trees

Graham Cargeeg and Dave Pannell 9/05/09

Occasionally we contest the "Ambrosia Cup", awarded to a pair who wins at ambrose. The cup itself was constructed by Malcolm Moore using a tin of Ambrosia rice, and is highly coveted. I was paired with Graham, and we cleaned up! Unfortunately we both had to leave for other commitments before the Guinness and chips, so we missed the gala award ceremony. In our absence, the club put their heads together and came up with not one but two limericks to celebrate our auspicious win.

The Ambrosia Cup is prestigious
Made by Malcolm whose work was fastidious
Dave and Graeme, the pair
Won with plenty to spare
But to miss the Award, that was hideous

Graham Cargeeg and Dave Pannell 9/05/09

The second limerick refers to a threat to withhold our prize money of $8 each for not attending the award ceremony over Guinness and chips. They can't be serious!

A careful young golfer named Dave
Paired with Graeme whose golf is quite brave
They, with skill and good luck
Won the Ambrosia Cup
But the club used the winnings to save

St John Kenny 2/05/09

On the right of the 8th hole there is a lake. Rather than following the fairway, which bends around to the right, St John usually tries to hit across the lake to the green, requiring a huge hit. It's pointless, as he never manages a good shot, but he seems unable to resist the temptation to try to clear it.

When St John sees water on eight

He can't resist trying to be great

He pulls out the driver

To skin it alive

It goes far but it doesn't go straight

Note: see limerick 52 for a sequel.

Geoff Weir 25/04/09

Geoff Weir is team captain. He organises us, makes the bookings, records scores and calculates handicaps.

Our team captain and leader beloved

Eyed his ball as he stood there above it

It would fly and then roll

Trickle into the hole

If he tried, but he couldn't be bovvered

Richard Plumb 25/04/09

It seems that team captain Geoff Weir has really found his limerick muse. Here is another one of his, referring to the bottle of wine that Richard won for his golf a few weeks back but apparently never received.

Playing golf Mr Plumb likes a whack
If he'd practice he might get the knack
When wine was afore
He fluked a good score
But his prize ended up on my rack

Mal Gammon 18/04/09

Probably our most consistent scorer is Mal Gammon, but he had a lapse today, including a "moose" - a score of 10 on one hole - so called because of how you look if you hold both hands to your head and extend all 10 fingers.

Poor Mal Gammon's golf took a dive

He even scored moose, that's twice five

He struggled in vain

Yes his round was a pain

But at least all the wildlife survived

Malcolm Moore 18/04/09

The last line of Mal Gammon's limerick above shows that we're having trouble moving on from the momentous events of last week. Further evidence of this is a bonus limerick, composed by team captain Geoff Weir, recorded on a special certificate, lovingly laminated and presented to "The Director", Malcolm Moore, in a moving ceremony today.

Playing golf the Director needs luck

But a week back he murdered a duck

He went home to the Missus

For consolatory kisses

But she told him "I don't give a damn"

Malcolm Moore 11/04/09

A tragic week, with Malcolm being responsible for the death of an innocent duck.

As a golfer you have to be skilled

If you're not you risk blood being spilled

Malcolm thought he would try it

The duck wondered why it

Was her luck to have to be killed

Tony Harding 04/04/09

This week saw Tony's personal best, a remarkable 36 for a net 28.

Tony H played a round like no other

It would even excite his old mother

He hit the ball hard

He birdied and parred

Just as if he was Tony Smith's brother

Malcolm Moore 28/03/09

Malcolm hit his personal best score of 45 this week, but still didn't get the lowest net.

There is someone we all love to hector

Though his golf is as tasty as nectar

Yes his elegant swing

Is a beautiful thing

Of excitement he is the Director

Andy Connor 28/02/09

Andy hit two balls into the same tree, both of which bounced back at him, hence they were "returned to sender".

Young Andy plays golf like a blender

His two balls were returned to sender

He shimmied like Elvis

And wriggled his pelvis

While singing aloud, "Love Me Tender"