Guinness and Chips Golf Club Limericks

"Hit dum haerent descendit"


Collection of "Limericks of the Week", written at Wembley Public Golf Course on Saturday afternoons while consuming Guinness and Chips after nine arduous holes of golf.


UPDATED April 2018: GCGC Videos. Marvel at our high-quality swings as we each drive off the first tee.


Ed Stephenson 31/03/18
Ed was eating a pie on the first tee, preparing for 18 holes, when a sneak attack by a kookaburra deprived him of his lunch.
 

Ed wanted his pie very much

But a bird took it out of his clutch

I'm sorry to say

Twas the one time all day

When a birdie and Ed came in touch

 

Ed wanted revenge on that kooka

And to get back the pie that it tooka

He looked far and wide

But however he tried

He couldn't catch up with the fooka

Ed Stephenson200
Don McFarlane 17/03/18
Don hit a tree flush on, on the sixth, and it bounced back so far that it almost hit his playing partner, Jim. 
 

When taking his shot number three

Don doesn't like hitting a tree

He gave it a whack

It ricocheted back

And almost hit Jim on the knee

Don McFarlane199
Phil Kelly 10/03/18
Phil had repeated difficulties finding his ball today, even when it seemed like it should be readily findable.
 

No matter how high the wind squalls

You look for a ball where it falls

But Phil's can't be found

Like it's gone underground

In a Bermuda patch of golf balls

Phil Kelly198
Tony Harding 3/02/18
Tony seemed certain to win the round, with a score of 37 off the stick. But he got pipped by bandit Nick, with a net 29.
 

Scotland's a long way from Devon

And Scottsmen who golf are in heaven

Our Tony was happy

But lost and felt crappy

Despite his PB 37

Tony Harding197
Tony Harding 27/01/18
Tony came up with an irresitable dose of personal philosophy during our after-golf drinks.

Our Tony thought deeply and then he
Said something impressive to many
There are many unknowns
But you mustn't throw stones
On days when you haven't got any

Tony Harding196
Tony Harding 22/12/17
Tony has captured the story of the Dunsborough Classic, attended by a record-sized group of GCGC members in November 2017.

The GCGC went away, to Dunsborough for a Classic Play
The stakes were great, the golf was not – but off they went to have a shot
First Bunbury, Capel, then the Lakes; and Binningup reknowned for snakes
Big thanks to Graham for the stay with stew and tandoor cauli all the way
And Captain Geoff was real upbeat but baffled all with his scoring sheet
While Director Mal showed all his class by rarely soaring off the grass
And Andy’s injured hand looked risky but thanks for putting up the whiskey (still awaiting the grand opening ……)
Young Jim flew straight in from Old Dart and wished he’d brought his motor cart
And Don played steady, then he strayed, and slipped but never was dismayed
While Tony peaked early for a fish and as a result his golf was pi**
But Nick played well and was a grinner as he turned out the Classic Winner!!

GCGC at Dunsborough Classic195

GCGC at Dunsborough Classic
Nick Mayman 24/12/17
With a nod to The Man From Snowie River, Nick has told his own version of the Dunsborough Classic story.

There was movement at the golf club for the word has passed around
That the boys from GCGC were down in Dunsborough Town.
The Classic Cup was on and all had gathered to the fray.
All the tried and noted golfers from courses near and far
Had mustered at the bush house overnight,
For golfers love hard driving where the wild bush courses are
And a beer or two post game is a positive delight.

There was Captain who made his name with bunker shots not seen before
Mal Moore came from over east with a thing or two to prove
He sort of did once he hit his groove
(along the ground).
Andy of the Overflow came down to lend a hand,
No better golfer ever waved a stick.
The Harding man was there with his long awaited drive
And a slightly Asian air.

And one there was a Pommie, pale and slightly overweight,
He bore the badge of courage in his bright and fiery eye
and the proud and lofty carriage of his clubs.
But still so pale and sweaty one would doubt his power to stay
So he waited sad and wistful, only Malcolm stood his friend
“I warrant he’ll be with us when we’re trudging at the end’
He hails from Mother England where the course is wet and steep
And golfers’ feet get bogged with every stride.

Cove was testing, more water and sand than grass
Balls were lost, holes were dug and but it wasn’t quite a farce.
Capel course was dire, long holes, heat and roos.
Dunsborough was however, a complete delight
until of course lost balls in the watery eighteenth.

Damn the heat and damn weather,
Damn that Bidingup altogether.
Most paled, some quailed at the terror of the course
But the plucking aging Pommie swung is club around his head
And gave a cheer.
He rattled down the fairway like a torrent down its bed’
It was grand to see that new Australian drive.

Now back in Wembley safely
The winner was announced, a newby to the club.
Some criticised his handicap and some his golfing stroke
But all acknowledged Captain and his arcane scoring style
And Mayman was the winner to somewhat muted cheers.

Winner and gallant loser

Nick Mayman194
Mal Gammon 11/11/17
Mal shared a cart with Tony Smith, who is left handed. At one stage mal got confused about whose clubs were whose on the back of the cart.

Mal's ball where it went left him stranded

He wasn't too pleased where it landed

His next club selection

Caused much disaffection

He'd need to have hit it left handed

Mal Gammon193
Tony Harding 4/11/17
Tony Harding tells his own story of a remarkable round, which could have been a personal best (PB) but for one spectacularly shocking hole. In summary, he got ...
1. Best nett
2. Nearest the pin
3. Longest drive
4. $5 payout from his bet with the Captain
5. A moose (score of 10 on the 6th).
 

Tony H should have been full of glee

With best nett, nearest pin and LD

But on 6 he cut loose

And he carded a moose

So farewell to a likely PB

Tony Harding192
Geoff Weir 14/10/17
Tony Harding tells the story of The Captain's struggle with numbers on the first tee a couple of weeks back. He normally puts tees of various colours into a hat and we draw them to determine playing groups.  

The Captain's in charge of the tees

And Saturday's twelve was a breeze

Three fours was the spread

He did four threes instead

And puzzled us with his brain freeze

Geoff Weir191
Nick Mayman 7/10/17
New member Nick has been fairly consistent in getting scores over 50 for 9 holes since he joined us a couple of months ago, resulting in a handicap of 17. Today, though, was pretty extraordinary, with a gross score of 42, giving him net 25!!

Nick's handicap hit 17

We thought it was honest and clean

But what if he planned it?

The underhand bandit!

The stewards will have to convene

190

Geoff Weir 7/10/17

One of Geoff's better rounds today.

The Captain he played in a bubble

He mostly stayed right out of trouble

In his round from the stars

He picked up three pars

And didn't hit one single double

189
Tony Harding 18/03/17

Tony finished 2016 on a high, with his handicap down at 5 (for 9 holes), but in 2017 he has seen a lot of bad luck on the course. Today was a notable low point.

When Tony plays golf he aims high

So his troubles today made us sigh

If we speak in Roman

It might stop him groanin'

His score it was LVII

188
St John Kenny 11/03/17

Poor St John. He made a good start to a hole but then got stuck in a bunker. After quite a few unsuccessful attempts to get out of it, he resorted to flailing wildly away with his sand wedge, sending sand flying everywhere.

The drive St John hit was a shiner

His second shot couldn't be finer

But from there it was crap

He got stuck in a trap

So he opted to dig through to China

187
Jim Hewitt 4/03/17

Jim has been playing with our group for a couple of months. This limerick is a reflection on whether he fits in. His ability to put up with our teasing is strongly in his favour.

Our group is divided in thirds

The good, the indifferent, the turds

We're sure Jim would be

In one of those three

And he even survives our hard words

186

Limericks from other years: 2009 ¨ 2010 ¨ 2011 ¨ 2012 ¨ 2013 ¨ 2014 ¨ 2015 ¨ 2016 ¨ 2017

Let us pray for better golf next week.

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Limericks composed by David Pannell unless otherwise indicated.

Copyright © David J. Pannell, 2009-2017
Last revised: April 01, 2018.