Guinness and Chips Golf Club Limericks

"Feri dum jacent"


Collection of "Limericks of the Week", written at Wembley Public Golf Course on Saturday afternoons while consuming Guinness and Chips after nine arduous holes of golf.


GCGC Videos. Marvel at our high-quality swings as we each drive off the first tee.


2009 Limericks

Geoff Weir 12/12/09

We have a rule that if a player's ball is so close to a hole that they would almost certainly sink it, any of their playing partners can declare it a gimme, meaning that they don't have to putt it out. Geoff asked for a gimme on the 7th hole, but it was turned down, and the justice of that decision was revealed when Geoff took three putts to sink it.

Geoff thought a sure gimme he'd got

His friends said a gimme it's not

You must putt it out

He gave it a clout

And to sink it he needed three shots

Geoff Weir, GCGC49
Tiger 5/12/09

Tiger is in the news for what he calls "transgressions". It was such a big topic of conversation that it needed to be a limerick.

With Tiger Woods golf's a profession

He's perfect from session to session

But when off the course

He's randy and coarse

He's bound to commit a transgression

Tiger Woods, not GCGC48
Slow golf 21/11/09

The golf today was incredibly slow. We seemed to spend more time standing around than playing golf, as the group in front had two learners and made no effort to hurry.

The golf was so slow we could weep
We wandered about like old sheep
We lost our momentum
Frustrations we pent ‘em
And after each shot we could sleep

Geoff Weir, GCGC47
Malcolm Moore 07/11/09

With Dave Pannell away this week, the Club nominated a limerick sub-committee to do the job. Their limerick is so awful that it's worth preserving here. It is an attempt to describe Malcolm's stunning efforts on the 9th, including his tee shot that bounced off the water and ended up in a bunker. (A Barnes Wallis is a shot that skims off water, in the style of The Dam Busters.)

Young Malcolm’s swing is most curious
Awful poise, and often quite furious.
But he can sometimes take solace
From the odd jammy Barnes Wallis
And from arithmetic best described as spurious.

Malcolm Moore, GCGC46
The Limerick Committee 07/11/09

Geoff Weir's sensibilities were so offended by the above "limerick" that he made the following comment, in limerick form, and his limerick does actually scan.

We know limericks are supposed to be witty
They should scan and be audibly pretty
Not vulgar and rude
Or bordering on crude
Like a camel designed by committee

GCGC45
Malcolm Moore 07/11/09

Malcolm himself got in on the act, with this unforgettable ode to his own brilliance, which cleverly goes well beyond the Committee's efforts, in that it not only doesn't scan, but also doesn't rhyme, doesn't flow, and in parts doesn't make sense. But it's still great!

As Mal’s fine ball skimmed the lake
The boys were aghast and agape
As it danced its way into the sand
But his chip made it land
Six inches from the pin, but he didn’t get a ‘gimme’ so get stuffed!

Malcolm Moore, GCGC44
Geoff Weir and Malcolm Moore 07/11/09

Finally, a first limerick from Ken Norquay (with a bit of input from Dave Pannell), which neatly wraps up the other three limericks from this week. Four in one week!

The lads might play 18 or nine
But Geoff still won’t get there in time
He’s a self-confessed wimp
And his limericks are limp
But compared to the Director’s, they’re fine

43
Graham Cargeeg 31/10/09

Ambrose Cup day, and once again Graham was victorious, this time partnering with Mike McCormack. Graham is making a habit of this (he's won three out of the last four Ambrose Cups), hence Don McFarlane's limerick.

He’s as Aussie as "Stone the Crows"
And he’s clearly the king of Ambrose
Graham’s golf is erratic
But he won, he’s ecstatic
How he does it each time, no-one knows

Graham Cargeeg, GCGC42
Ed Stephenson and Tony Smith 24/10/09

The round started extremely well for Tony, with an eagle 3, and extremely badly for Ed, with 9, almost a moose.

Our Tony and Ed they were paired

They played golf for keeps, with teeth bared

It's a funny old game

And we aren't all the same

That's why Edward got Tony's score squared

Tony Smith, GCGC41
Ken Norquay 17/10/09

Ken was a long way from the flag after three shots on the 8th but made par with a huge putt:

After three shots our Ken was in strife

But his nerve you could cut with a knife

He just clenched his gut

Sunk a 60 foot putt

So I'd choose him to putt for my life

Ken Norquay, GCGC40
Neil Mitchell 10/10/09

Neil had a bad week, especially getting consecutive 12s on the fifth and sixth holes. Don McFarlane captured Neil's pain:

Neil's golfing is sometimes quite poor
He can build up a worrying score
A problem arose

Counting fingers and toes
'Cos in two holes he scored twenty four

Neil Mitchell, GCGC39

Mike McCormack 3/10/09

Mike was observed giving instructions and advice to a group of strangers today, but then messing up his shot when he demonstrated exactly how do do it.

Mike spotted a golf group of three

His wisdom he gave them for free

They weren't sure they'd need it

Much less did they heed it

When Mike duffed his shot off the tee

Mike McCormack38
Limerick of the Year 26/09/09

As part of our Grand Final celebrations, we voted for Limerick of the Year. The finalists were limericks number 5 (Malcolm Moore), 16 (Tony Smith), 20 (Graham Cargeeg) and 27 (St John Kenny). The winner, by a good margin, was number 5. Congratulations Malcolm.

 

Malcolm Moore 19/09/09

There were some kids lurking in the bush near the third hole today.

A white ball our Malcolm assaulted

It rolled and it rolled 'til it halted

He stood there unworried

But Mal should have hurried

'Cos kids nicked the ball and then bolted

Malcolm Moore, GCGC37

Don McFarlane and Jeff Flint 12/09/09

Jeff suffered a painful blow on the ankle from a golf ball hit by Don. We know why Don did it.

At golf Don's a man on a mission

He is ruthless with little contrition

He hit Flinty's ankle

A tactic that wrankles

He's driven to cut competition

Jeff Flint, GCGC36

Geoff Weir 5/09/09

Thanks to Don for this week's limerick.

We bow to our leader Geoff Weir

His bark is one no-one doth fear

We think it is poor

When he's late for the draw

But he never is late for his beer

Geoff Weir, GCGC35

Mike McCormack 29/08/09

We started later than usual today, and as a subtle protest Mike brought along a miner's helmet with light, which for some reason is in his  mouth.

Mike doesn't like playing at night

So he brought his own head-mounted light

He can see far and near

But it still isn't clear

If his golf will be dark or be bright

Mike McCormack, GCGC34

Andy Connor 29/08/09

This one was penned by Tony Harding.

Our Andy sure knows how to play

And we know he can hit a fair-way

Though he's not had a blinder

We've got to be kinder

'Cos this day is Andy's birthday

Andy Connor, GCGC33
Don McFarlane 22/08/09

Don won the money this week, in no small part due to two outstanding shots where he pitched into the hole from long range. ("Jock" means a Scott,)

McFarlane is Scottish in sound

And Scotland is sacred golf ground

He sounds a stock Aussie

But he's really Jock 'cos he

Can pitch it in twice in one round

Don McFarland, GCGC32
Ed Stephenson 15/08/09

This week we played ambrose again, mostly in teams of three. The winners were Tony Smith, Ed Stephenson and Dave Pannell. Ed's putting heriocs made a crucial contribution to the win, especially a very long one on the fifth.

Dave and Tony they putted like mugs

And they wrote off the hole with glum shrugs

But Edward stepped up

Put the ball in the cup

So they sent him to testing for drugs

31
Neil Mitchell 1/08/09

Neil has a highly distinctive stance, involving the ball being level with, or sometimes even behind, his right foot, and his hands well forward. He also likes to wabble his toes for quite a while before hitting the ball. Because of his stance, the ball tends to fly very flat.

When Neil Mitchell steps up to unwind

He positions the ball far behind

He wobbles his toes

He hits the ball low

And then has a lost ball to find

Neil Mitchell, GCGC30
Geoff Weir 1/08/09

This one is contributed by Tony Harding. There could be some sour grapes here as Geoff won their weekly bet. Geoff's magazine promises to "Save 6 shots by Saturday"!

GW's known to be plucky

He's never been known to be lucky

But when on hole five

He stuffed up his drive

His chip then bisected the buggies

Geoff Weir, GCGC29

Mal Gammon 25/07/09

Mal's handicap has moved upwards in recent weeks, but he returned to his best today, taking the pot with a net score 6 below par. Very suspicious!

Mal's handicap used to be seven

By tactics it shot to 11

We called him a bandit

He says he can stand it

'Cos winning the money is heaven

Mal Gammon's winnings, GCGC28

St John Kenny 18/07/09

St John was caught putting a bucket of practice balls into his car boot. There was a perfectly innocent explanation: he paid for the balls but then realised there was too little time to use them, so he was going to have a practice after our round. However, the golf shop was not amused.

On the driving range St John hit naught

He pulled out when the minutes ran short

In the boot went the lot

But I think he forgot

That the main thing is not to get caught

St John Kelly, GCGC27

Ed Stephenson 18/07/09

Guest limerickist Tony Harding witnessed the following.

Now this is a tale of young Ed

Whose scoring went into the red

His third on the first

Was one of his worst

It pitched up straight into his head

Ed Stephenson, GCGC26

St John Kenny 18/07/09

Limericks seem to have become a bit of a craze for our club. Here are two more late additions by Geoff Wier. The first is another take on St John's misdeed.

St John’s putting can sometimes bear fruit
It can help him make off with the loot
He’ll practice his skill
By putting at will
He’ll even put balls in his boot

 St John Kenny, GCGC25

David Pannell 18/07/09

And then there is this from Geoff Weir.

Dave's knack with the limericks is neat

He pens them like clockwork each week

We feed him the fuel

He turns out a jewel

He's a panel that cannot be beat

David Pannell, GCGC24

Andy Connor 11/07/09

On the long par-5 sixth hole, we have a prize each week for the player whose third shot is nearest the pin.

Andy's well known to give it a clout

When he hits it, it's hit without doubt

His nearest the pin

Was so close it was in

'Cause he pitched in from 50 yards out

Andy Connor, GCGC23

Don Eastwood 4/07/09

Don achieved a rare feat on the ninth hole: his score equaled the combined scores of his three playing partners, Don McFarlane, Ed Stephenson and Dave Pannell. To be fair, they each got birdie two's, but still ...

Don, David and Ed are so kind

They will play with Don E and not mind

On the ninth they played great

And they one-putted straightl

But poor Don hit their three scores combined

Don McFarlane, Don Eastwood & Ed Stephenson, GCGC22

Dave Pannell 4/07/09

Guest limerickist Don McFarlane tells the sad story.

Young David is everyone's mate

But a steep sloping green is his hate

His second shot flew

On the green in just two

But he walked off ashamed with an eight

21

Graham Cargeeg 21/06/09

Graham would like to forget his performance on the the fourth hole today, but that won't be possible now that it is immortalised in limerick. He finished with a nine, but the real pain came at the start of the hole. Hades (pronounced "hay dees") refers to the abode of the dead, or hell.

Graham knows what a draw and a fade is

But he must think the fourth hole is Hades

'Cos today, the poor bloke

When he took his fourth stroke

He was barely in front of the ladies

Graham Cargeeg, GCGC20

Mike Kelly and Malcolm Moore 21/06/09

Tony Harding generously donated wine for the winner of today's rare stableford competition.

On a day when it rained and it poured

We chose to attempt stableford

Michael Kelly came through

The Director did too

And tonight they can drink their reward

Tony Smith was heard to observe that Don Eastwood's management of buying the beers tonight was almost as chaotic as Morris's attempt - Hi Morris!

Mike Kelly, GCGC19

Don Eastwood 6/06/09

Don rarely breaks 50, but he had a screamer of a round today, with a 47, for a net 32.

As a Yorkshireman Don can be thrifty

But his golfing today was quite nifty

Two or three drives went far

Two or three holes were par

He was so good he even broke 50

Don Eastwood, GCGC18

Morris Kirkham 30/05/09

Tony Smith's father in law visited him from England for seven weeks, and we had the pleasure of his company for most Saturdays of those weeks. Today was his last round before returning home.

Farewell Morris, we're sorry you're goin'

Will we see you again? There's no knowin'

You have had to endure

Insults blunt and obscure

But you still are our favourite blow in

Morris Kirkham, GCGC blow in17

Tony Smith 23/05/09

Tony plays very casually, but his handicap hovers around scratch.

While we struggle and strive to play well

Tony Smith finds it easy as hell

He's a legend, a hero

His handicap's zero

Thank God he's not handsome as well

 

Such talent can rarely be found

He doesn't use tees, just the ground

We don't moan or mope

But we secretly hope

That he cocks up and has a bad round

Tony Smith, GCGC16

Tony Smith GCGC15

St John Kenny 23/05/09

St John hit a rare 12 on the par 4 5th hole, including three lost balls. This contributed to a score of 28 for the second three holes. Tony Harding witnessed the events and was inspired to compose the following.

Our St John went out for a bash

He dreamed he would take home the cash

But his score took a delve

When he carded a 12

And he didn't say much but, "Oh dash"

St John Kenny, GCGC14

Ed Stephenson 16/05/09

Ed's dress standard this week impressed us all.

As handsomeness goes, this group rocks

We don't need smart suits or botox

At the end of the day

We look more than OK

But the highlights are Ed's shoes and socks

Ed Stephenson, GCGC13

Graham Cargeeg 16/05/09

After last week's glory, Graham had a bad week, slicing all but one of his drives.

Big Graham steps up and decrees

The next one will fly on the breeze

He draws the club back

And gives it a whack

And slices it over the trees

Graham Cargeeg, GCGC12

Graham Cargeeg and Dave Pannell 9/05/09

Occasionally we contest the "Ambrosia Cup", awarded to a pair who wins at ambrose. The cup itself was constructed by Malcolm Moore using a tin of Ambrosia rice, and is highly coveted. I was paired with Graham, and we cleaned up! Unfortunately we both had to leave for other commitments before the Guinness and chips, so we missed the gala award ceremony. In our absence, the club put their heads together and came up with not one but two limericks to celebrate our auspicious win.

The Ambrosia Cup is prestigious
Made by Malcolm whose work was fastidious
Dave and Graeme, the pair
Won with plenty to spare
But to miss the Award, that was hideous

Graham Cargeeg and Dave Pannell, GCGC11

Graham Cargeeg and Dave Pannell 9/05/09

The second limerick refers to a threat to withhold our prize money of $8 each for not attending the award ceremony over Guinness and chips. They can't be serious!

A careful young golfer named Dave
Paired with Graeme whose golf is quite brave
They, with skill and good luck
Won the Ambrosia Cup
But the club used the winnings to save

Dave Pannell and Graham Cargeeg, GCGC10

St John Kenny 2/05/09

On the right of the 8th hole there is a lake. Rather than following the fairway, which bends around to the right, St John usually tries to hit across the lake to the green, requiring a huge hit. It's pointless, as he never manages a good shot, but he seems unable to resist the temptation to try to clear it.

When St John sees water on eight

He can't resist trying to be great

He pulls out the driver

To skin it alive

It goes far but it doesn't go straight

Note: see limerick 52 for a sequel.

St John Kenny, GCGC9

Geoff Weir 25/04/09

Geoff Weir is team captain. He organises us, makes the bookings, records scores and calculates handicaps.

Our team captain and leader beloved

Eyed his ball as he stood there above it

It would fly and then roll

Trickle into the hole

If he tried, but he couldn't be bovvered

Geoff Weir, GCGC team captain8

Richard Plumb 25/04/09

It seems that team captain Geoff Weir has really found his limerick muse. Here is another one of his, referring to the bottle of wine that Richard won for his golf a few weeks back but apparently never received.

Playing golf Mr Plumb likes a whack
If he'd practice he might get the knack
When wine was afore
He fluked a good score
But his prize ended up on my rack

Richard Plumb, GCGC7

Mal Gammon 18/04/09

Probably our most consistent scorer is Mal Gammon, but he had a lapse today, including a "moose" - a score of 10 on one hole - so called because of how you look if you hold both hands to your head and extend all 10 fingers.

Poor Mal Gammon's golf took a dive

He even scored moose, that's twice five

He struggled in vain

Yes his round was a pain

But at least all the wildlife survived

Mal Gammon, GCGC6

Malcolm Moore 18/04/09

The last line of Mal Gammon's limerick above shows that we're having trouble moving on from the momentous events of last week. Further evidence of this is a bonus limerick, composed by team captain Geoff Weir, recorded on a special certificate, lovingly laminated and presented to "The Director", Malcolm Moore, in a moving ceremony today.

Playing golf the Director needs luck

But a week back he murdered a duck

He went home to the Missus

For consolatory kisses

But she told him "I don't give a damn"

Malcolm Moore, GCGC member, duck killer5

Malcolm Moore 11/04/09

A tragic week, with Malcolm being responsible for the death of an innocent duck.

As a golfer you have to be skilled

If you're not you risk blood being spilled

Malcolm thought he would try it

The duck wondered why it

Was her luck to have to be killed

Duck, GCGC casualty4

Tony Harding 04/04/09

This week saw Tony's personal best, a remarkable 36 for a net 28.

Tony H played a round like no other

It would even excite his old mother

He hit the ball hard

He birdied and parred

Just as if he was Tony Smith's brother

Tony Harding, GCGC3

Malcolm Moore 28/03/09

Malcolm hit his personal best score of 45 this week, but still didn't get the lowest net.

There is someone we all love to hector

Though his golf is as tasty as nectar

Yes his elegant swing

Is a beautiful thing

Of excitement he is the Director

Malcolm Moore, GCGC2

Andy Connor 28/02/09

Andy hit two balls into the same tree, both of which bounced back at him, hence they were "returned to sender".

Young Andy plays golf like a blender

His two balls were returned to sender

He shimmied like Elvis

And wriggled his pelvis

While singing aloud, "Love Me Tender"

Andy Connor, GCGC1

Limericks from other years: 2009 ¨ 2010 ¨ 2011 ¨ 2012 ¨ 2013 ¨ 2014 ¨ 2015 ¨ 2016 ¨ 2017

Let us pray for better golf next week.

GCGC Award Winners

Golfing Wisdom

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Limericks composed by David Pannell unless otherwise indicated.

Copyright © David J. Pannell, 2009-2011
Last revised: March 12, 2017.