Guinness and Chips Golf Club Limericks

"Feri dum jacent"

Collection of "Limericks of the Week", written at Wembley Public Golf Course on Saturday afternoons while consuming Guinness and Chips after nine arduous holes of golf.

GCGC Videos. Marvel at our high-quality swings as we each drive off the first tee.

2010 Limericks

Malcolm Moore 18/12/10

Malcolm's ninth-hole hoodoo returned with full force today. After getting to 9 off the tee, he asked for a "mercy gimme 10". His playing partners were so shell-shocked from what they had witnessed that they very generously granted his request.

Our Malcolm had all he could take

Four balls in a row in the lake

A gimme he sought

His mates said they ought

To grant it, for everyone's sake

Malcolm Moore, GCGC95
Don McFarlane 25/11/10

Don did the booking today, while our captain Geoff Weir is apparently off contributing to the delay of peak oil. (Limerick by Jeff Flint.)

Our young Don has done the golf booking

As well, he is far better looking

Than Weir whose toil

Is looking for oil

But booking wonít stop his wild hooking

Don McFarlane, GCGC94
Jeff Flint 25/11/10

Don McFarlane's right of reply to Jeff's limerick above.

An email from Jeffery Flint
With content that's not fit to print
He wastes his work time
Producing this rhyme
No wonder the governmentís skint

Jeff Flint, GCGC93
Ed Stephenson 20/11/10

We played ambrose today. We play in pairs, and each member of the partnership has to contribute at least three drives to the round. After 8 holes, Ed had only contributed 2 drives, so his drive on the 9th hole was going to count, no matter what.

For Edward a lot was at stake

The pressure was too big to take

No margin for error

Ed stood there in terror

And hit the ball into the lake

Ed Stephenson, GCGC92
Don Eastwood 13/11/10

After a typically wild shot, Don found himself with a broad and thick forest of trees between his ball and the green. There followed what Tony Smith described as "shot of the century".

Don's bash through the forest was hot

A once in a century shot

It hummed through the trees

No higher than knees

And finished 10 feet from the pot

Malcolm Moore, Don Eastwood, GCGC91
Ed Stephenson 30/10/10

Tony Smith was standing on the green when he got hit on the bum by an over-hit incoming ball from Ed. Ed took full advantage and sank the putt.

Ed clobbered the ball off the grass

As usual his shot it had class

He had a clear goal

To get to the hole

He did, but the hole was an arse

Ed Stephenson, GCGC90
Matthew Mitchell 23/10/10

Matthew surprised himself with an amazing tee shot on the eighth hole. It's a par 4 hole, but Matthew had the help of a pretty strong tail wind.

Matt reached the eighth tee bright and keen

And hit the best 4 iron I've seen

Across lake and tree

Across the 9th tee

It finished up close to the green

Matthew Mitchell, GCGC89
Ed Stephenson 9/10/10

Ed today managed a shot that should be physically impossible. He swung the club forwards, and it hit the ball, but the ball travelled backwards. It wasn't that it bounced off a tree or anything. It was just that he topped it so much that is was driven straight down into the ground, bounced up, and rolled backwards.

As Ed swung the club to up-wind

He pictured the flag in his mind

He's now broken hearted

'Cos where his ball started

It finished a metre behind

Ed Stephenson, GCGC88
Limerick of the Year 25/09/10

As part of our Grand Final celebrations, we awarded Limerick of the Year. The finalists were number 49 (Geoff Weir), 51 (Mike McCormack), 68 (Neil Mitchell) and 75 (Don Eastwood). The winner, judged by last year's winner Malcolm Moore, was number 68. Congratulations Neil.


Neil Mitchell, GCGC87
Malcolm Moore 11/09/10

From a look at the recent limericks on this page, you'd think that Malcolm was almost the only remaining member of this club. I was determined not to write about him again this week, but then he went and scored an eagle! After his recent golfing trials, there was no way this could go unrecognised. 

Though his golf may be subject to doubt

The Director on 6 made them shout

The men kept their eye on

The shot from his iron

He sunk it from 150 out

Malcolm Moore, GCGC86
Malcolm Moore 04/09/10

Yet again, the Director does a spectacular crash and burn on the short par-3 ninth hole. Today he'd been playing quite well until then, but he twice went into the water in front of the tee, then went into a lake way left of the green, then hit across the green into the rough, then almost went into a bunker, finishing with 10 for a moose. This is getting worse, not better!

It's getting beyond friendly jokes

When Mal reaches 9 his game croaks

His tee shot's a noose

Today came a moose

We don't understand why he chokes

Malcolm Moore, GCGC

Malcolm Moore, GCGC85

Dean Wood 15/08/10

Dean had a shocking time on the par 3 9th hole today, struggling to get out of the bunker, and then putting back into it, amongst other misadventures.

A golfer called Dean played sublime

Until he reached hole number 9

His score wasn't heaven

His mates said 11

They stopped him to save drinking time

Dean Wood, GCGC84
Malcolm Moore 07/08/10

After today we have decided to name the ninth hole in honour of 'the Director'. His first ball hit the water a few metres to the left of a duck, skipped a few times and sank. His second shot hit the concrete wall just near the duck and ricocheted back into the water. The duck decided it was time to leave, probably because the Director has form. To save balls, he took a drop on the other side to the water and hit this shot 30 metres along the ground into a large bunker. He finished with an 8 on a short par 3. (Thanks Don McFarlane for starting these limericks.)

The Directorís a happy old soul

Who everyone likes to cajole

But one thing weíve found

His ball hugs the ground

It wonít fly but boy can it roll


For one of the holes on these links

A low skimming shot really stinks

Itís quite a mistake

To roll on the lake

Cos 9 times in 10 the ball sinks

Malcolm Moore, GCGC83
Malcolm Moore 31/07/10

On the ninth today, Malcolm, or the "Director", played one of the most extraordinary holes in the history of the GCGC. First, his tee shot hit the nearby sign (which shows the hole number and a map of the hole) end on, and the ball bounced back onto the eighth fairway. His second shot went into the thick shrubs next to the ninth tee, requiring a drop. His next shot went into the lake, just in front of the tee, requiring another drop. Finally, his sixth shot flew across the lake and ran up to the flag, for a relatively easy putt, which he sank for a fine seven.

The Director stepped up and went whack

It bounced off the sign and shot back

Again he went bash

To the bush and then splash

But still his resolve did not crack

Malcolm Moore, GCGC82
Dave Pannell 24/07/10

This limerick recounts the first stage of a thoroughly tragic hole.

My shot was quite good off the tee

I'm happy with that one, said me

But then came a shock

'Cos like Peter Brock

I found my self dead by a tree

David Pannell, GCGC81
Ed Stephenson 17/07/10

We played on the 'Old' course for a change. To commemorate Ed's score of 70 (for 9 holes) Don McFarlane composed the following.

Ed stands as a man amongst men

A rooster but never a hen

We played on the 'Old'

To help break the mould

But poor Ed hit three score and ten

Ed Stephenson, GCGC80
Tony Harding  15/07/10

Tony moved to India for work a few months back, and now plays at the Clover Greens course near Bangalore. I'm sure it's not as good as playing with the GCGC.

To Bangalore Tony has shifted
But his spirit has fallen, not lifted
ĎCos when Saturday comes
He misses his chums
Who are clever and handsome and gifted

To which Tony replied ...

Thereís a rumour my spirit is blue

But donít worry! Ė that just isnít true

Tho I do miss the Chips

Iíve hot curry dips

And an excellent new golfing crew

Tony Harding, GCGC, in Bangalore78, 79
St John Kenny 10/07/10

For a change we went to the Burswood course and battled with the many lakes and bunkers. St John lost his battle with the challenging 11th hole, which has nothing between the tee and the green except a wide stretch of water.

A five off the tee is not fine

But still it's no help if you whine

So St John tried hard

To better his card

And managed to salvage a nine

St John Kenny, GCGC77
Dean Wood 10/07/10

On par-three holes we have a competition for the player whose ball ends up nearest the pin. But it has to be the right pin! Dean's ball bounced off a wall and ended up on the green of a different hole. Limerick by Don McFarlane and Dave Pannell.

Some holes we play Ďnearest the piní

To hit it wide isnít a sin

But poor muddled Dean

He hit the wrong green

Which isnít the best way to win

Dean Woods, GCGC76
Don Eastwood 19/06/10

Don's round was a bit better than last week, but his tee shot on the second hole was remarkable, going at 90 degrees to his intended direction and bouncing between two passing cars.  

The road is for driving, not drives

To keep this in mind our Don strives

But teeing the second

The nearby street beckoned

He's lucky he didn't take lives

Don Eastwood, GCGC75
Don Eastwood 12/06/10

Poor Don had a dreadful round: 64 for 9 holes.

The Beatles "When I'm 64"

Refers to their ages I'm sure

But Don's a bit dim

He thought they meant him

So he copied the song with his score

Don Eastwood, GCGC74
Dean Wood 5/06/10

We played 18 holes this week. The first 9 were terrible for Dean but he scored his personal best on the second 9. Don McFarlane imortalised his feat.

Dean golfs and he also keeps bees

While swinging he don't bend his knees

His play was quite nifty

He even broke 50

By keeping away from the trees

Neil Mitchell 22/05/10

An eventful week, spawning three limericks. Neil had a shocker, marked by numerous tee shots veering off alarmingly to the right. Most strikingly, from the ninth tee, which has a lake immediately in front of it, he performed a miracle shot.

One the ninth tee the green is in sight

You don't have to hit it with might

There's water to cross

Neil showed us who's boss

By missing the lake to the right

p.s. It turns out that I was misinformed, and this happened on the eighth hole, rather than the ninth, but one shouldn't let the truth get in the way of a limerick.

Wembley, Tuart Course, Hole 972
Matthew Mitchell 22/05/10

Matthew wore some new golf apparel, purchased on-line from the US, but his score went backwards.

When golfers require attention

They wear pants too garish to mention

If Matt thought his tweeds

Would help his golf deeds

He suffered a misapprehension

Matthew Mitchell, GCGC71
Geoff Weir 22/05/10

It's not unusual for one of us to lose a ball, but Geoff managed to contrive a creative new way to do so.

Geoff's golf went from dark down to darker

His drive hit the red ladies' marker

It flew in the air

And fell who know where

Poor Geoff felt his round was a farker

Geoff Weir, GCGC70
Matthew Mitchell 15/05/10

Matthew has performed the rare feat of winning the cash two weeks in a row, playing golf of a quality that is quite inconsistent with his generous handicap.

To Matthew you just have to hand it

He's so good we don't understand it

His handicap lags

So every tongue wags

They argue he must be a bandit

Matthew Mitchell, GCGC69
Neil Mitchell 15/05/10

Don Eastwood asked Neil for some advice on how to get out of a bunker they both found themselves in. Neil gave him some tips which Don applied successfully. But then Neil himself took six shots to get out of the bunker.

Neil's bunker advice will amaze ya

His skill on the sand it will daze ya

He told Don his tricks

But himself he took six

So I'd like to propose euthanasia

Neil Mitchell, GCGC68
Don Eastwood and Malcolm Moore 08/05/10

Don usually bets with Ed, when possible, but with Ed away, he settled for a bet with Malcolm. 

When Malcolm or Don play, we suffer

They had a bet, duffer to duffer

Who won or played worse?

Who took the large purse?

Well really, we don't give a stuff-er

Malcolm Moore, GCGC67
Dean Wood 01/05/10

It's early days for Dean in the GCGC. Our newest member has had his commitment to golf challenged in some recent rounds, but he's hung in there and comes back for more.

Dean's golf has its troughs and its peaks

He can't yet achieve what he seeks

With practice and care

And courage quite rare

He soon will break 60 most weeks

Dean Wood, GCGC66
Neil Mitchell 24/04/10

Neil had a stunning day with 46 and 44 (unusually, we played 18 holes).

Neil's golf hit a wonderful peak

His scoring was quite magnifique

In glory he basks

But the question one asks

Is can he repeat it next week?

p.s. 01/05/10: No.

Neil Mitchell, GCGC65
Dave Pannell 24/04/10

Mike McCormack provided this week's composition. It isn't actually a limerick. Mike describes it as an ode.

His name is Dave, the golfing scribe

And from his pen you cannot hide

Be it ducks or clothes or being late

His pen does not prevaricate

Dave Pannell, GCGC64
Geoff Weir 17/04/10

Geoff made a point of telling us we had to be on time this week, but then was late himself.

Geoff told us we must be on time

If you're late it will be a great crime

He came late and unkempt

And claimed he's exempt

So we captured his failure in Rhyme

Geoff Weir, GCGC63
Mal Gammon 03/04/10

Mal drove his buggy on down the second fairway, oblivious to what was going on behind him ...

Mal's clubs on the buggy's behind

Fall off for the next group to find

He can't hear them fall

Sees nothing at all

He seems to be deaf and quite blind

Mal Gammon, GCGC62
Malcolm Moore 27/03/10

On the first hole, we allow a "mulligan" - one free second shot if you don't like your first. Malcolm's first shot went into the bush, so he took his mullie, but he duffed that too; it went about 10 cm. So he brazenly took the law into his own hands and had an unauthorised second mullie. As usual, the golf gods had their revenge.

The Director's shot wasn't a snorter

His mulligan made him distraughter

He knew what to do

Take mulligan two

But it trickled straight into the water

Thanks to Jeff Flint for suggesting "distraughter" as a rhyme for "water".

Malcolm Moore, GCGC61
Mike McCormack 20/03/10

This limerick was team effort, started by Don McFarlane and finished by Dave.

A Guinness post-golf with the guys

Is a pleasure Mike often denies

He only appears

For after-game beers

If he thinks he is winning a prize

Mike McCormack, GCGC60
Mike Kelly 20/03/10

One of Mike's worst rounds for a long time. 

Poor Mike had a round to forget

It may well have been his worst yet

Despite his big score

What hurt even more

The Director scored less gross and net

Mike Kelly, GCGC59
St John Kenny 13/03/10

St John hit a shocking shot off the green on the 9th. It went low, bounced off the water, and ran up to the hole. He got the prize for nearest the pin. Unbelievable. There is no justice in golf.

On 9 St John's shot was quite dirty

He was thinking he'd swear and get shirty

Bit it skimmed, bounced and rolled

To nearest the hole

And to cap it he sank a fine birdy

St John Kenny, GCGC58
Don Eastwood 13/03/10

Don played like a fine golfer at times today, mainly after he'd just had coaching from Andy.

You might think that Don's golf is crappy

That he plays with a cane that's tip tappy

But his tee shot on three

Was something to see

And for once, with his golf, Don was happy

Don Eastwood, GCGC57
Andy Connor 06/03/10

GCGC stalwart Tony Harding is going to move to India for a few years. To mark the event, we held an Indian golf day today. Andy's apparel was Indian, but not quite the right Indian (he's the left-most in the photo).

Our Indian golf day was dandy

But mighty confused was poor Andy

He came as a squaw

But a plus side for sure

Is we couldn't confuse him for Gandhi

Andy, St John, Don E, Tony H and Geoff56
Mal Gammon and Dave Pannell 20/02/10

Limerick number 49 records a tragic story of Geoff being refused a gimme on the seventh, and then missing the downhill putt. Mal thought he'd try the same thing out on Dave, even though Andy had already given the gimme.

My ball skirts the hole, stops above it

When Andy says "gimme" I love it

But Mal says it's not

You must take the shot

I sink it, so Mal you can shove it

Mal Gammon, GCGC55
Mike Kelly 20/02/10

A Kelly Gang member is Mike

He can run, he can jog, he can hike

At golf he hits jewels

If you need the golf rules

He can tell you as quick as you like

Mike Kelly, GCGC54
Geoff Weir and Mike McCormack 6/02/10

Geoff whacked a ball from a greenside bunker, right across the green towards a group standing at the next tee. He would have cleaned up Mike, but for his quick instinctive reaction, described below.

Geoff Weir doesn't quite play off scratch

He today hit a shot without match

From the bunker, cross green

To the tee of 15

Where Mike, in his hat, took a catch

Mike McCormack, GCGC53
St John Kenny 30/01/10

Limerick number 9 from May last year documents St John's regular disastrous attempts on the 8th hole to drive across water and trees straight to the green, rather than taking the safer route along the fairway. Last week he finally managed to do it, but the golf gods still had their revenge.

When St John's on eight we tell jokes

But his bad driving skills are a hoax

Yes he drove to the green

But the next bit's obscene

'Cos to sink it he took six more strokes

St John Kenny, GCGC52
Mike McCormack 23/01/10

Mike's dress standards really caught the eye today.

There are great golfers and there are shockers

There are great footy teams and there's Dockers

There's fashion and flair

And clothes debonair

And then there are Mike's knickerbockers

Mike McCormack, GCGC51
Doug Wilkie 02/01/10

Dougie has a bad back, but this week made a rare appearances to play with the GCGC.

A golfer we rarely have seen

Is Dougie from Scotland the green

On the first hole he roared

A birdy he scored

But he couldn't do that for 18

Doug Wilkie, GCGC50

Limericks from other years: 2009 ® 2010 ® 2011 ® 2012 ® 2013 ® 2014 ® 2015 ® 2016 ® 2017

Let us pray for better golf next week.

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Limericks composed by David Pannell unless otherwise indicated.

Copyright © David J. Pannell, 2009-2011
Last revised: March 12, 2017.