Guinness and Chips Golf Club Limericks

"Feri dum jacent"

Collection of "Limericks of the Week", written at Wembley Public Golf Course on Saturday afternoons while consuming Guinness and Chips after nine arduous holes of golf.

GCGC Videos. Marvel at our high-quality swings as we each drive off the first tee.

2011 Limericks

GCGC 26/11/11


Today at golf, nothing occurred

No major emotions were stirred

No moose and no eagle

No act was illegal

And Malcolm did not kill a bird

Malcolm Moore 19/11/11

Another misadventure for the Director.

When Malcolm took aim he was calm

He felt no concern or alarm

But he ran out of luck

His ball it got stuck

In the heart of a zamia palm

Mike Kelly 12/11/11

It was Mike's 500th round with the club today. Poor Mike got off to a terrible start, losing both his first tee shot and his mulligan in the lake by the first fairway.

One's 500th round, you would think

Should be like a jewel with no chink

We all came to look

But Mike went hook, hook

And landed them straight in the drink

Mike Kelly, GCGC117
Mal Gammon 5/11/11

It was wet today. Don McFarlane put down his brolly at one point to drive, and then left it behind. Mal found it and put it in the bin!

If wet weather hits your golf day

Don't drop your umbrella, I'd say

'cos if Mal comes behind

And your brolly he finds

He'll grab it and throw it away

Don McFarlane recovers his umbrella, GCGC

Mal Gammon shows Don the flaws in his brolly, GCGC116

Matthew Mitchell 29/10/11

Matt was again driving with extraordinary distance today, putting the group in front in grave peril.

Matt's driving was much more than fair

His group could do nothing but stare

The next group, they scattered

In case blood was splattered

On three holes he gave them a scare

Matthew Mitchell, GCGC115
Matthew Mitchell 10/9/11

Matt's driver was in fine form today, the highlight being his drive onto the green on the par-4 eighth hole.

Matt's drives were as good as I've seen

His length on the 6th was obscene

The best came on 8

A smack that went straight

He rolled it right onto the green

Matthew Mitchell, GCGC114
Malcolm Moore 13/8/11

The Director is currently in the UK (probably provoking the street riots) but that hasn't stopped him securing the coveted limerick of the week. It is written, at the orders of The Captain, in response to the photo, which was taken by The Captain's brother.

When Malcolm gets dressed he has flair

But he likes to put flowers in his hair

Now this is exposed

A question is posed

Is he stallion or is he a mare

Malcolm Moore, GCGC113
Don Eastwood 30/7/11

Don managed to hit one of the shortest shots in the history of golf. His driver touched the ball so slightly that it moved only an inch or two forwards.

Don's tee shot made everyone tense

He stood with a steely eye lens

The red markers beckoned

But nobody reckoned

He'd not get as far as the men's

Don Eastwood, GCGC112
Mike Kelly 4/6/11

There are a number of limericks below about the Director's diabolical performances on the 9th hole. With Malcolm away today, it seems that Mike decided to channel his play on the 9th, including hitting three balls into the lake.

The Director on nine has a curse

It makes him all haggard and terse

We missed Malcolm's art

So Mike played his part

He almost performed even worse

Mike Kelly, GCGC111
Mike Kelly 4/6/11

Mike had problems with shanking it today, including one hole where he did it twice in a row. At least on that occasion it had a happy ending.

Mike's drive on the 18th was hot

He then hit two shanks on the trot

When he finished with bogie

It was like a gold logie

His earlier yips were forgot

Mike McCormack, Mike Kelly and Tony Smith, GCGC110
Mal Gammon 28/5/11

We offer a prize for nearest the pin in 3 on the long par 5 sixth hole. Mal was on the green after two strokes, but alas, not after three. (The claim in the limerick that his ball reached the rough is a slight exaggeration, but I needed a rhyme.)

The par 5 made Mal feel quite keen

In two shots he drove to the green

His putt was a fluff

It rolled to the rough

His silence disguised thoughts obscene

Mal Gammon, GCGC109
Malcolm Moore 14/5/11

As his retirement present, Malcolm's co-workers bought him a battery powered buggy for his golf bag. Malcolm initially had some considerable difficulties coming to terms with how to steer the thing. (Thanks Don McFarlane for this limerick.)

They gave Mal an aid to survive

They thought it would keep him alive

He zigged and he zagged

Behind his golf bag

Another thing Malcolm can't drive!

Malcolm Moore, GCGC108
Don McFarlane 28/4/11

Andy Connor provided this comment on Don's putting behaviour.

When practicing putts near the green

Remember Don's golf rule 16

If the ball moves a lick

Just replace it real quick

Then look round to check non-one's seen

Don McFarlane, GCGC107
Don Eastwood 16/4/11

On the sixth, Don did the biggest slice I've ever seen, and then declared, rather boldly, that he'd never previously sliced in his life. We were a little doubtful about that.

Don's golf often gets him in strife

When he talks about golf, lies are rife

He hit wildly right

And exclaimed through lips tight

I have never once sliced in my life

Don Eastwood, GCGC106
Geoff Weir 9/4/11

Geoff is the first club member to play 500 rounds.

Geoff started this golfing club biz

At captaining Geoff is a wiz

But one thing astounds

After 500 rounds

His score should be less than it is

Geoff Weir, GCGC105
Malcolm Moore 9/4/11

Today was Malcolm's first round after retiring.

Retirement you shouldn’t take lightly

The timing you need to do rightly

For Malcolm’s wife Jane

The future’s a pain

‘Cos wandering the house he’s unsightly

Malcolm Moore, GCGC104
St John Kenny 12/3/11

St John's efforts to drive right to the green of the par-4 eighth hole have been recorded here before (see limericks 9 and 52). But this time he genuinely made it, and was only a couple of metres off hitting hole in one. The problem was that his drive landed dangerously close to the two groups waiting at the ninth tee.

When St John takes tee shots on 8

It's history he hopes to create

The mad man he reckons

A hole in one beckons

Who cares if he murders a mate

Don Eastwood 12/3/11

Don had a round to forget, highlighted by two windies in a row.

For Don the unfortunate fact is

He needed a little more practice

First one windy came

Then one more the same

His golfing it really was cactus

Geoff Weir 5/3/11

Geoff wasn't happy with his first tee shot on the first hole, so he took a mulligan. Here's what happened.

When Geoffrey teed off on the first

He attempted to make the ball burst

Although he swung hard

It went not a yard

Of all of our shots, his was worst

GCGC 26/2/11

No limerick today, but check out the new page of GCGC videos here, or click on the picture.

Dean Wood, St John Kenny and Mike Kelly, GCGC
GCGC 5/2/11

Club captain Geoff Weir determined that the events of this week warranted more than just a limerick - they needed a ballad. So here it is - a story of Nordic Saga proportions.

The ballad of the GCGC

A group of merry hackers
Went to have a happy hit
The game they played was ambrose
They were handsome, they were fit

Little did they know that
There’d be trouble to endure
Before day’s end they’d feel like
They’d been pelted with manure

The first concern emerged when
They were waiting to begin
The course was running late
And there were people pushing in

They watched some duffers teeing off
Who clearly couldn’t play
It started to appear that
It would be a trying day

They felt things were improving
When they finally took the tee
The golfing gods made certain
It was never going to be

Our heroes tried to hit it hard
They gave it quite a shake
The problem was that seven balls
Went straight into the lake

The round went very slowly
‘til they reached the seventh tee
But then it stopped completely
They were fully stationary

They looked ahead to try to see
What’s gumming up the works
The problem was a giant group
Of very drunken jerks

The jerks were being raucous
They were naughty, rough and loud
They threw things at each other
They were quite a crazy crowd

They rode upon the buggy roof
Which isn’t proper use
And when the Pro Shop intervened
They merely copped abuse

The GCGC finally
Came limping to the end
They talked of who to knacker
And of emails they would send

The day went down in history
In our memory it burns hot
Whenever we drink Guinness
It will never be forgot



GCGC waiting at the seventh tee for the drunken jerks.




Neil Mitchell 29/1/11

Neil pushed his golf into unknown territory today, scoring an extraordinary 20 over his handicap for nine holes. We had trouble finding a suitable rhyme for 'twenty' until Don McFarlane came up with 'benty', which describes many of Neil's shots rather well.

Most of Neil's shots were quite benty

His score for the round, it was plenty

His scorecard it shines

With elevens and nines

The result was too many by twenty

Neil Mitchell, GCGC99
Mike McCormack 15/01/11

To hit a ball into a tree is unfortunate. To his the same tree twice in successive shots is tragic. This was Mike's fate on the seventh.

The golf gods are not always nice

To torment us all is their vice

Compassion they've none

With Mike they had fun

He clobbered the same gum tree twice

Mike McCormack, GCGC98
Neil Mitchell, Matthew Mitchell and Geoff Weir 8/1/11

Wembley Golf Course has changed to an on-line booking system, with the result that our captain no longer has to front up every Thursday morning to make bookings. Don McFarlane developed some simple guidelines for us to follow to ensure that the new system works smoothly for us, but one or two of us have had trouble following the instructions, particularly the Mitchells.

Our club Geoff the captain still leads

But his booking skill no-one now needs

We book it on-line

The system works fine

With instructions no Mitchell man heeds

Matthew Mitchell, who scored a moose this week, GCGC97
Don Eastwood 1/1/11

Don's trademark hook affected his tee shot on the sixth, leaving him in a very difficult position among the trees. He had to keep the ball low to avoid hitting a horizontal branch just in front of him, so he pulled out his putter. 

After hooking it left off the tee

Don's next shot you rarely would see

His swing was constrained

His face it looked pained

As he putted it into a tree

Don Eastwood, GCGC96

Limericks from other years: 2009 ¨ 2010 ¨ 2011 ¨ 2012 ¨ 2013 ¨ 2014 ¨ 2015 ¨ 2016 ¨ 2017

Let us pray for better golf next week.

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Limericks composed by David Pannell unless otherwise indicated.

Copyright © David J. Pannell, 2009-2011
Last revised: March 12, 2017.