Guinness and Chips Golf Club Limericks

"Hit dum haerent descendit"

Collection of "Limericks of the Week", written at Wembley Public Golf Course on Saturday afternoons while consuming Guinness and Chips after nine arduous holes of golf.

GCGC Videos. Marvel at our high-quality swings as we each drive off the first tee.

2012 Limericks

Dave Pannell 15/12/12

Dave needed a birdie on the ninth hole to equal his PB, and he very nearly got it, but then he crashed and burned.

Dave putted for birdie on nine

The putt had an excellent line

It just missed the hole

Three feet it did roll

In three more shots Dave felt like dyin'

Dave Pannell, GCGC142
Jeff Flint 1/12/12

Jeff had a good round, marred by one shocking hole.

Jeff's golfing was mostly quite good

But then he pulled out fairway wood

He did his best hit

It went in the shit

And then he hit wood, wood, wood, wood

Jeff Flint, GCGC141
Tony Harding 17/11/12

Tony's miraculous shot into the hole from 140m out on the difficult 4th hole for an eagle was sufficient to ensure that he and Don Mc won the ambrose competition this week. Don's suspicion is that Tony needs the support of a good partner to achieve such heroics. (Thanks Don for starting the limerick.)

When Tony is playing ambrose

His confidence certainly grows

From 140 metres

His shots are world-beaters

But solo his golf's on the nose

Mike Kelly 3/11/12

Mike's tee shot on the par-3 9th hole looked to be heading straight into the lake, but it bounced just short of the water. Then it looked like it would bounce into the water, but it next bounced just on the far bank. Exceptionally lucky. His luck continue for his second shot (not covered in the limerick), which hit the flag!

When Mike played the ninth with the lake

His route to the green took the cake

It bounced on both banks

Mike sighed and gave thanks

It wasn't a shot you could fake

Limerick of the year 29/09/12

Mal Gammon, for limerick #130.

Jeff Flint 1/9/12

Jeff rarely does anything to inspire a limerick, but today he tossed a club, almost with tragic consequences!

Poor Jeff had a dying man's stare

He re-learnt that golf isn't fair

His eyes bulged and crossed

A putter he tossed

It missed Malcolm's head by a hair

Jeff Flint, GCGC138
Malcom Moore 4/8/12

With Dave away, Andy provided the following.

A pretty young blonde Essex moll
Was Malcolm’s desire each hole
With testosterone
And the hint of a bone
In a year he’ll be out on parole.

Malcolm Moore, GCGC137
Mal Gammon and Malcom Moore 28/7/12

Ambrose today. A rare good news story for the Director.  

When Malcolm and Mal came to play

We thought they'd mal-funtion all day

Instead they played great

They hit far and straight

At Ambrose they blew us away

Mal Gammon, GCGC136
St John Kenny 7/7/12

St John's had one of the worst holes in GCGC history today, with a score of 16. 

When St John's on song he plays fine

But today he had good cause to whine

He came on like a dream

Peaches and cream

He's sixteen, he's ugly, he's mine

St John Kenny, GCGC135
GCGC 7/7/12

Although it was absolutely perfect weather for golf today (sunny, calm, about 20 degrees), almost all of us played terribly. The Captain thought we must be in synch, like women who live together. Don McFarlane put that thought to limerick.

With everyone's golf on the blink
It's time we should sit back and think
The day we can't blame
There's no wind or rain
Likes menses we must be in synch

Andy provided a cutting comment on Don's limerick, and he managed to continue the analogy that the Captain started.

's not only our golf that is bad
The rhymes are also quite sad
A limerick should flow
And the effort below
Just makes my PMT unbearable!

Actually, Andy's comment was directed at Don's original version of the limerick, not the version above, to which DP applied some changes. The original was:

With everyone's golf on the blink
It is time to sit back and to think
The weather we can't blame
There's been no wind and no rain
Likes menses we must all be in synch

The golf is not going well.133, 134
Don Eastwood 9/6/12

Don hit a ball way off course into the car park.

Don's golf can be crap or fine styled

Today one went way left and wild

Two cars got attacked

They're dented and cracked

Cos a Ford roughed him up as a child

Don Eastwood, GCGC132
Tony Harding 12/5/12

Visiting from India, Tony had a memorable encounter with a hollow tree. 

Well, who would play golf in a tree?

T.H. thought it ought to be he

His backswing was cramped

But spirit undamped

He wacked it about six foot three

Tony Harding, Geoff Weir, GCGC131
Mal Gammon 12/5/12

Mal went within a metre of clearing the green-side bunker and landing his ball near the pin close enough to win "nearest in three". Then it took him six shots to get out of the bunker and then he three putted, giving him 12 for the hole.

Mal's shot seemed so good he was buzzin'

He felt like Phil Mickelson's cousin

But watch for that bunker

The shot was a clunker

He finished the hole with a dozen

Mal Gammon, GCGC130
Neil, St John, Michael and Jeff 28/4/12

The third group seemed to spend the whole day waiting for the second group to find lost balls or to putt out.

Neil, Singe, Mick and Flinty are slow

So slow you cannot see them go

They're slow, slow, slow, slow

Slow, slow, slow, slow, slow

Slow, slow, slow, slow, slower than slow

St John Kenny, Jeff Flint, Neil Mitchell, GCGC129
Don Eastwood 21/4/12

Don teamed with Tony Smith in our Ambrose competition today. The rule is that each partner has to contribute three drives to the score card, but Don's drives were so shocking that after 6 holes, none of his had counted, so his final three drives had to count. On the seventh, Tony coached him to adopt a very conservative strategy: drive with a putter and try to hit it about 50 metres up the middle. Don couldn't even make that work. First he did a windy, and then he managed to hit it about 3 metres.

In Ambrose three drives are required

For six holes Don's luck never fired

The desperate nutter

He drove with his putter

His skill couldn't be less admired

Don Eastwood, GCGC128
Matthew Mitchell 7/4/12

Matt's playing with expensive balls these days. When he wins a ball from the club, it's well short of his preferred standard.

Poor Matt got hot under the collar

He wanted to curse and to holler

'Cos two balls he lost

Four bucks each they cost

He won one but worth just a dollar

Matthew Mitchell, GCGC127
Don Eastwood 24/3/12

Don had a bet with the Director. At the ninth tee Don had a three-shot buffer and looked safe for the money. But the pressure got to him and he almost managed to blow it, taking three shots to reach the green and then four putting. However, he held on to win because the Director first went into the bunker, then hit it right across the green, and was lucky to salvage a double bogie.

On nine the old Don had a buffer

Of three strokes but was it enough-a

A four over par

Won't win the cigar

Unless your opponent's a duffer

Don Eastwood, GCGC126
Geoff Weir 3/3/12

Geoff didn't have a great round on the Group's visit to the Burswood course, with the most notable event being a group of aggressive swans keeping him away from his ball, near a water hazard.

At Burswood the weather was hot

But the golf of the Captain was not

His ball came to rest

Just by a swan's nest

And he had to abandon the shot

Geoff Weir, GCGC125
Malcolm Moore 28/01/12

It was 42 degrees today, and not everyone could stand the heat, so they got out of the kitchen. Malcolm composed his own limerick on the subject.

I have to confess I'm a wimp

I golf with a wrist that is limp

'though mad dog I'm not

When massively hot

I'll sit in the bar like a blimp

Neil then responded with the following (patched up by Dave to make it scan).

I have to agree that the wimp

Plays golf like a one-legged chimp

But he surely cannot

Imagine he's hot

When mostly he looks like a pimp

Malcolm Moore, GCGC123, 124
Andy Connor, Ed Stephenson and Neil Mitchell 21/01/12

We played ambrose on the Old course today. This group of three, even with the benefit of being able to choose the best shot out of three each time, managed to score 5 on a par 3!

When choosing, from three balls, the best

Your score should be par if not less

But one group had trouble

They scored bogey double

They should be put under arrest

Andy Connor, GCGC122
Ed Stephenson 14/01/12

A sequel (and close relative) to limerick number 88.

Ed's first shot was less good than beaut

His second was more of a hoot

It flew in the air

But travelled nowhere

And it trickled back onto his boot

Ed Stephenson, GCGC121
Neil Mitchell 07/01/12

Neil's golf today was a roller coaster ride, especially the contrasting scores between his fourth and fifth holes.

The fourth hole was Neil's crowning glory

The fifth was a quite different story

The birdie was fine

But then came a 9

His score went from gorgeous to gory

Neil Mitchell, GCGC120

Limericks from other years: 2009 ¨ 2010 ¨ 2011 ¨ 2012 ¨ 2013 ¨ 2014 ¨ 2015 ¨ 2016 ¨ 2017

Let us pray for better golf next week.

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Limericks composed by David Pannell unless otherwise indicated.

Copyright © David J. Pannell, 2009-2015
Last revised: March 12, 2017.