Guinness and Chips Golf Club Limericks

"Hit dum haerent descendit"

Collection of "Limericks of the Week", written at Wembley Public Golf Course on Saturday afternoons while consuming Guinness and Chips after nine arduous holes of golf.

GCGC Videos. Marvel at our high-quality swings as we each drive off the first tee.

2013 Limericks

Mike Kelly 30/11/13

A huuuge slice on the second hole led to this. 

Mike hit his ball into the cricket

We thought that he might take a wicket

But a mid-off called Jack

He threw it right back

With a shout saying where Mike could stick it

Geoff Weir and Stu 16/11/13

Geoff had a special guest along today. He looked very familiar and was sartorially splendid.

When Geoff feels his golf will be baddie

He brings Eric Clapton to caddie

With a beard on his head

And socks of bright red

His dress is exceedingly natty

Malcolm Moore 9/11/13

The Director had a lucky break.

In bunkers you hit off soft ground

But new ways to cheat Malcolm found

His shot took the cake

It clobbered a rake

And got an enormous rebound

(Thanks Don for starting this limerick)

Tony Harding 19/10/13

The Director is the king of killing ducks. But ...

The Director, his crown got a fright
When Hardingís umbrella took flight
And thanks to the weather
It landed on feathers
And ducklings were sprayed left and right.

Though Tony is quite a large fella
He might have a streak of the yella
He thought he would stay
A good ten yards away
While the mother duck chased his umbrella


(Thanks Andy for the limericks)

St John Kenny 19/10/13

They say 666 is the devil's number. Today St John scored 6, 6, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6.

If six is a score you should hate

Then St John would not feel too great

Our pity was stirred

'Cos but for the third

He would have got nine sixes straight

Chris Walsh 12/10/2013

New member Chris tried to get his ball over a large tuart tree and performed a miracle shot, although not necessarily in a good way.

Poor Christopher felt like a dork

Like a man who can't chew gum and walk

He took on a tuart

But totally blew it

The ball lodged up high in a fork




Limerick of the year 28/09/13

Geoff Weir, for limerick #148.

Andy Connor 2/09/2013

One from Andy Connor. Not exactly a golf limerick - it's about the Federal election - but it expresses something we can all relate to given the appalling state of Australian politics.

Canít play this week cos the flight we
Are on leaves at dawn for Old Blighty,
Iíll have cast my ballot,
Be half full of claret
And wonít care who wins, Left or Righty.

Neil Mitchell June 2013

This limerick describes an event that happened a month or two ago. It was too good to let it pass.

Great power to his swing Neil imparted

But then he was left broken hearted

The man from Exxon*

Got hit on the scone**

And the ball ended up where it started

* Pronounced with the emphasis on 'on:. exxON, not EXXon.

**Pronounced 'sconn'. Meaning head.


Malcolm Moore 22/07/13

It's bad enough to hit a ball into a bunker, but ...

Poor Malcolm, his shot lacked control

To sand in a trap it did roll

To add to the strain

And double the pain

The bunker was on the wrong hole

David Pannell 25/05/13

Dave smashed his previous personal best of 40, with a very steady 36.

A P.B. is great to achieve

But this one was hard to believe

Did David play tricks

To get 36?

A score he just couldn't conceive

Malcolm Moore and David Pannell, GCGC157
Malcolm Moore 11/05/13

The Director's electric buggy did a runner, taking his clubs. Apparently it had had enough of his poor play.

The Director was stuck in a trough

His score went from crappy to rough

His buggy, I fear

Said I'm outa here

It switched on and puttered right off

Malcolm Moore, GCGC156
Jeff Flint 27/04/13

One from Jeff himself.

A crow stole my apple and orange
His beak was as sharp as a syringe [pronounced like ďsorangeĒ]
That rhyme I regret
But donít complain yet
The last line will make you all co-ringe

Jeff Flint, GCGC155
Andy Connor 27/04/13

Andy's response, after noting that apple is almost as difficult to rhyme as orange.

A crow stole my orange and apple

Its beak was as wide as a grapple

With orange up front

The little black c--t

Flew off leaving me eating f--k all

Andy Connor, GCGC154
Mal Gammon 27/04/13

Then Mal got in on the act.

My orange and apple the crow took [It was a raven, really]
It came and flew off after one look
With fruit in its beak
It flew like a freak
And Jeff was left checking the rules book

Mal Gammon and Don Eastwood, GCGC153
Phil Kelly 30/03/13

Phil is one of our longest hitters. Sometimes it's hard to wait long enough for the next group to get far enough ahead. A couple of times today, he under-estimated his own strength, to the peril of the three old ladies playing in front.

When Phil sees old ladies ahead

One hopes that they won't soon be dead

But Phil meets his need

For high club head speed

And sends the ball over their head

Andy Connor 23/03/13

Andy's tee shot on the 9th hole bounced off the lake, skimmed just past the edge of a bunker, and ended up winning the ball for being nearest to the pin.

Big A hit a ball in the drink

It bounced when you'd think it should sink

Though Andy's got class

This shot was all arse

His nearest-the-pin had that stink

Andy Connor, GCGC151
Mike Kelly 9/03/13

On the third hole, Mike went about as close as it's possible to go to getting a hole in one without actually getting one.

A look of command on his face

Mike's swing had an elegant grace

Well-judged to the ounce

He got a nice bounce

By one inch he missed a fine ace

Mike Kelly, GCGC150
Neil Mitchell 2/09/13

Neil had an unfortunate 11 on one hole after a terrible losing battle with a bunker. A few holes later he was heard talking wistfully about how he should have got an 8.

Poor Neil said he wanted an 8

He thought than an 8 would be great

Compared with 11

An 8 would be heaven

But he had the idea a bit late

Neil Mitchell, GCGC149
Geoff Weir 2/09/13

With the Captain away, we made an interesting discovery about his handicap relative to the Director's.

Your handicap shows your prowess

It's clear-cut, there's no need to guess

The captain's hurt pride

Has nowhere to hide

'Cos now the Director's is less

Geoff Weir, GCGC148
David Pannell 23/02/13

When Dave's playing partners (Mal, Matthew and Mike) refused to grant him a gimme for a short downhill putt on the 4th, Dave was forced to putt it out.

The cup was a half step below

A gimme? Dave's partners said no

He swore at them all

And putted the ball

It rolled past the hole nice and slow

David Pannell, GCGC147
Neil Mitchell 16/02/13

We played ambrose today. Neil teamed up with Dave. Our rule is that each player has to have at least three of his tee shots count, but Neil had enormous trouble keeping his drives anywhere near the fairway. By the 8th hole, Neil and Dave were getting desperate. Dave advised Neil to play a conservative shot, but Neil seemed to think this meant right-wing, and hit his ball in that direction.

Neil needed a shot we could clap

A straight and conservative tap

He played like a rabbit

His shot was an Abbott*

Far right and nothing but crap


*i.e. Tony

Neil Mitchell, GCGC146
Neil Mitchell 16/02/13

Moving onto the 9th hole, there was now no choice. Neil's tee shot was going to count no matter how bad it was.

In ambrose you must stay awake

'Cos three drives apiece you must take

Neil's chances slipped by

On 9 he let fly

And clobbered it into the lake

To rub salt in the wounds, Dave's tee shot finished about a metre from the flag, but it didn't count.

Neil Mitchell, GCGC145
Snippet from GCGC Christmas Party, 16/12/12

Tony Smith, Neil Mitchell, Jeff Flint and Dave Pannell perform a moving rendition of "Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano.


Don Eastwood 9/02/13

Don overlooked a windfall today, much to his regret.

Don's roots back in York, I suppose

Explain why his blood boiled and froze

Cos Andy, he found

Four bucks on the ground

And picked it up under Don's nose

Don Eastwood, GCGC144
Tony Smith 12/01/13

Tony didn't play today as he is still recovering from a Christmas-related injury. While dismantling his Christmas tree, he fell off a ladder. Shades of Molly Meldrum.

Last week it was Tony Smith's folly

To fall off a ladder like Molly

His hip hit the floor

He let out a roar

And felt like a foolish old wally

Tony Smith, GCGC143

Limericks from other years: 2009 ® 2010 ® 2011 ® 2012 ® 2013 ® 2014 ® 2015 ® 2016 ® 2017

Let us pray for better golf next week.

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Limericks composed by David Pannell unless otherwise indicated.

Copyright © David J. Pannell, 2009-2015
Last revised: March 12, 2017.