The Battle of Britian

31st- MIDEM - Mike Brady takes record to MIDEM. Signs deals in every country. Contradeal arranged with Ken Morgan of Pitstop Toyota for a new car in return for advertising endorsements. While in Melbourne, Elton John and his management hear Shaddap You Face and make an offer to us to let Elton's Record company, Rocket Records, release the song in the UK. The deal doesn't sound that attractive to us so we reject it. Unwilling to take no for an answer, they go back to the UK to look for someone else to do a cover version before we can release my version. I'm signed with CBS in London and CBS ring us and tell us that Andrew Sachs, who plays 'Manuel' on the television show, Fawlty Towers, has recorded a cover version of my song, on Rocket Records, and is about to release it. CBS has put a two week injunction on the release, due to the lyric changes (Manuel story is 'Spanish') and want me to fly over immediately for a promotional trip so we can beat them to the punch.

February 2th- I'm on the plane for the UK. I arrive at the hotel and get picked up by a limo and taken to the CBS offices. We decide to take Manuel head on and set up a promo photograph with him. He wears a T-shirt that says, "Manuel Rules - Que?" He grabs me by the shirt, and I try to look very Mafia, all for the photographers.

4th- I appear on 'Top Of The Pops'.
6th- 'Pebble Mill'.
7th- 'Tis Was'. That night I perform a special live version for a CBS dinner and meet Maurice Oberstein, chairman of CBS who I like a lot. He has two voices that he uses to conduct conversation - a high pitched one for normal conversation and then an ominous low bass voice, like Darth Vader, which he drops into every now and then for dramatic effect. Ive never heard anything quite like it. He's an entertainer in his own right. (Either that, or he is badly in need of an exorcism!) I'm also doing interviews left and right.

Within three days, Shaddap You Face goes immediately to Number Three on the Top 40. Within a week it's Number One. This is all before Manuel's version is even released. I see one of the guys from Rocket Records at a party that week and he comes up to me and says," Well, it looks like you beat us!' Personally, I was honoured that Andrew Sachs recorded my song and I searched out a copy and brought it back to Australia with me. This would be the first of an endless series of cover versions that I was to collect.

10th - Back in Melbourne, I do benefit performance for Children's Protection Society at Dallas Brooks Hall.

March 3rd- I begin a short promo tour of Europe with Linn accompanying me as my 'accordion mimest'. Some of the record companies want to know why I need an accordion mimest, they would prefer to pay just one airfare, but I am firm that I won't go if Linn doesn't come.

The Battle Of Holland

4th- Record TOP POP in Hilversum, Holland. (from diary): " Three days in Holland promoting SYF. A cover version is already by a Dutch artist and both versions are on the charts." In Amsterdam, another drama is unfolding. A local singer named Dingetje has cut an entire album of Shaddap You Face cover versions, in different dialects. He has released his single in Dutch at the same time that mine has been released in English.
Both versions area starting to move up the charts. There is a big debate going on in the media whether the English version or the Dutch version should get more airplay. It has a political over tone to it. A 'showdown' has been set up for the press between me and Dingteje. Both of us are to perform our respective versions before this panel of judges and then a decision will be made as to which one is the worthier interpretation. This whole thing is so bizarre, but I agree to do it.

I arrive at the studio, and Dingteje and his camp are on one side of the room and 'my people' are on the other. The press are all sitting at a long table in the middle. Dingteje goes first and he mimes the song to a
backing track while dancing around a bit, and making jerky hand movements. He finishes and the judges give him a rousing acknowledgement. It's my turn. I have to do something different. I can't just sing over the backing tape because these people are all Dutch and they are not going to feel happy about some English speaking foreigner upstaging their local boy. I make a snap decision to do something radical. I quickly grab a roll of gaffa tape and start singing to my backing track. I encourage the judges to sing along and when they start to sing, I quickly run around them with the gaffa tape and start taping them all together. I go around them about three times until the tape runs out and by the end of the song, the entire judging panel is taped together. They are all laughing madly and the whole situation is resolved in a friendly manner. The judges agree that it's a tie
and everybody is happy. Both versions of the song become hits.

5th - Perform at SHOWBIZQUIZ in Groningen. It's amazing to live so luxuriously - the finest hotels, all expenses paid, opportunities to work creatively in t.v - quite a challenge - I destroyed my mandolin on live t.v. today!

6th - Record DE EERSTE DE BESTE back in Hilvesum.

7th- Record STARCLUB in Hilversum. While in Amsterdam, I perform on a local televison show and I meet a very creative director named Massimo Goetz. He is in charge of the visuals for the program and he has some incredible ideas for presenting the song. Some of his ideas include tying fish line to strands of spaghetti so while a diner is eating, someone pulls the lines and the spaghetti all stands up like snakes! Another idea: he creates little cartoon-like 'thought balloons' over my head while I'm singing with different action happening in them to illustrate the lyrics of the song. Everything is taped with fish-eyed lenses giving a Fellini-like timelessness to the scene. The clip comes out brilliant and I ask him if he would like to work at some future date on one of my next singles. I eventually do commission him to create the storyboard for the song 'If You Want To Be Happy'.

My record company in Holland is The Company of The Two Pieters, (a tall Peter and a short Pieter.) I feel very family with them and miss leaving Amsterdam behind.

Mar 8th- The next country on the tour is France and we arrive in Paris. The song is being released here by Carrere Records and the manager of this company, Claude Carrere, is dressed in a white suit and has a white office with a white piano. He explains that France is a very difficult country for an English speaking record to be released. His plan is to release two versions: one in English, mine - and one in French, by a woman named Sheila.

Sheila used to be a successful pop singer in France and she has been looking for a comeback and I'm it! The fact that she happens to be Carrere's girlfriend may have have something to do with it too, but I liked her version, very rock & roll with electric guitars twanging away. Tres Sexy! Once again both singles become hits reinforcing each other. Before I leave Carrere says to me, 'Right now, you are popular in many countries but soon you will have to pick one country and focus. It is very difficult to stay at the top in all markets at the same time." I thought he was just thinking small at the time but I see now that he was speaking from a lot of experience in the European record industry. I do two French televison programs but after working with Massimo, they are pretty tame.

Mar 12- The next stop was Oslo, Norway, extremely cold, and the people were very earthy and rough. The woman who was our record company representative was beautiful and swarthy, very strong. While we were walking through a train station, some tough looking man made a crack to her and she gave her a verbal bashing that was awesome. She took us to a small restaurant, 150 kilometers from the Soviet border. I ordered an incredible local caviar with about eight side dishes and the house special: bear paw.

Helsinki, Finland was next . The tv show there was like a home movie. There were a few acts like a polka band and a couple of girls in Heidi costumes doing regional dancing.

Mar 15 - Record KUUDEN AIKAAN, in Helsinki, Finland.

Mar 16th- Record MANDAGSBORSEN in Stockholm, Sweden, aryan wonderland. All I remember here is the ultra-modern hotel filled with beautiful, earthy blonde masseuses. I had a massage. (I suddenly had sore neck - a little to the left, Brunhilde.)

March 17th The action began to heat up in Germany. First, Hamburg, where I jumped in a taxi and went out and bought some black leather pants. Then after the rounds of press and media, on to the biggest music television program in the country: Musikladen. On the program 'live' with me was Sting and The Police, Chubby Checker, Sister Sledge and about fifteen European pop acts.

In the canteen, I was getting a cup of tea and I saw Sting sitting up on the counter to my right. I casually walked past him, trying not to gawk when he starts singing, "What's sa matta , you, Hey?" I laughed and turned to him and said, 'I didn't know you knew my song?" He said, 'Yea, I know it. It's kept us from the Number One spot in England and Australia.'

Later, I ran into Chubby Checker and I was just about to introduce myself when he came up to me and said, 'Hey, I'm one of your biggest fans." To me. This was shocking and a half. The Twist was the first dance that I was able to do. Chubby was a legend to me. We went back to his dressing room and I asked him, with all his experience in the entertainment business, to give me some advice or any tips. He looked right at me and said, 'Get the money, Joe.' I said, of course, I knew that and I trusted my management and... He interrupted me. 'Joe, get the money... get the money." He stressed the same thing over and over and that was it. The poor guy must have been so ripped off by con men in his day. But he was a happy guy. He was out on the floor, dancing
away with all the German girls.

The producer of the show asked me how I would like to stage my section. They had decided to put me on last, to close the show, after The Police and Sister Sledge! I always insisted on singing 'live' over and instrumental backing track for greater spontaenaity. Also, this way I could slip in local references and even bounce things off audience members during the song. Police and Sister Sledge and the others all would just mime to the records. So this gave me a slight edge in energy level as there was a live audience to fool around with.

As we launched into the song, I instructed the audience to sing along and everybody got into it, Police, Sister Sledge, all the other acts. The girls from Sister Sledge went right over the top belting out the 'heys!' and laughing, and partying on. After the show, they gathered around me with their Aunty who was their chaparone and took turns taking pictures with me and each of them. One of the girls told me they liked my song because it had the same strong family feeling that they had grown up with.

There was one other German televison program that we did: Show Express. For this one, they wanted me to mime the song with no live vocals. I knew this would be a problem because there was a large dialogue section that was free form and almost impossible to mime to. I solved this problem with an outrageous idea. I said I would mime the song from the top of one of those four story mobile crane-like trolley that they use to change lights in auditoriums. The trolley was moterized and a driver crouched down in the back out of sight just in case I needed him, but I was to drive the thing across a large area about a third the size of a football field while I was singing the song. I would mime the spoken bits from up on top -this way I would be too far away for
any one to see my lips. Then, I would drive the trolley to the opposite end of the stage area, bring it down the four stories to a dead stop, open the gate and bounce out. Then I would make my way over to a large blackboard where I had some very large cards made up, about three feet by three feet with 'Hey' written on them. While I was singing the end choruses, I would spin these huge cards into the audience. It was like skipping stones and the camera got some great soaring throws that spanned the entire audience.

Logbook- pt 3

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