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April 15th, 2005

Tofurkey or Not Tofurkey

'I tend to follow a path of easy moderation in all things . . . including moderation!'


Hi folks,
I spent a wonderful Monday picking chestnuts at a good friend's house in the hills. Hundred year old trees, about 60 feet high, with such an abundance of nuts dropping - more than any human could possibly gather - that it felt like gazing at the ocean. (And there are vast forests of these trees in Macedonia and across Europe.) Chestnuts have similar nutritional benefits as brown rice; in fact, they are often referred to as the grain that grows on trees. It was also a little therapeutic for me as I was raised in Ohio, whose slogan is: The Buckeye State. A buckeye is also called a horse chestnut.
(aka Conquerors, Conkers, and Fish Poison.) Buckeyes are poisonous. Toxins involved are saponins and can produce vomiting, abdominal pain, and in some cases diarrhea.  Neurologic signs can include staggering, trembling, breathing difficulty, dilated pupils, collapse and paralysis, which can proceed to coma and death. (Much like growing up in Painesville.) So after playing with the poisonous ones all through my childhood, imagine what its like to play with the ones you can cook and eat! (A couple of recipes down below.)

DIFFICULTWOMEN is performing tonight in Somers, VIC, and next Wednesday and Friday nights, Apr 20th and 22nd, at fortyfivedownstairs, in Melbourne. The latter venue is a small intimate and beautiful space, with a maximum of about 80 seats: seven tables seating five each, in a couple of rows. Book early if you want to get in! These are our last Melbourne shows for some time. We will be premiering our new LOUISA LAWSON material, included the award winning, Hill of Death, gospel song, co-written by yours truly from Louisa's poem. The next DIFFICULTWOMEN shows are at the Yag'Ubi Festival, in Queensland, in May (details on website.)


I got quite a bit of reader feedback last week so I thought I would print more than usual this week. Plus a long extended carnivore-vegetarian-omnivore rave which threatens to turn into a real free range tofurkey fight. (Maybe not. Peace.) By the way, the title of the newsletter comes from the common vegetarian practice of using non-meat substitutes for meat-based meals, such as tofu, for turkey, on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Voila: Tofurkey! I love the ridiculous sound of the word. It kind of sums up the insanity that can come from sometimes trying to make a round peg of tofu fit in a square meat hole. Anyway, consider:


Fungal Diseases That Must Be Overcome to Have a Traditional Thanksgiving Dinner

Including Turkey-X Disease, Black wart of potato, Soft Rot of sweet potato, blight of cranberry, Downy mildew of lettuce, Black rot of pumpkin, Aflatoxin contamination cream and milk, Corn smut, Chestnut blight, Powdery mildew of cereal grasses, Rot of apples and oranges, Coffee rust, Aphanomyces root rot of sugar beet, Green mold disease of mushrooms, and . . . . . Sclerotinia stem rot of Soybean, affecting Tofurkey production!) (article)


[You wrote] 'It's also worth noting in your letter that 'falty' is one letter away from being a correct spelling. But that's not going to keep us from writing, is it?'
Too funny! Hey, if they're gonna set em up, you gotta knock em down, I say. Do you know if and how the term cathartic (n.: a medicine that causes emptying of the bowels) may be rooted in Catharism? I only know a little about them (more now, having read your compilation). In the early 70s I played Father Urbain Grandier in The Devils of Loudon and so, did some research and came across something about the Cathars. I remember reading that they thought the Earth was literally Hell and it was ruled over by Satan, but I knew nothing about the romantic side of it. Oh, yeah, I also think they were vegetarians -- seriously. Also thought you might want to read
THIS about the air freshener fire hazard story. I first got Glade tale in an email a couple of years ago and, as I try to do with any of the true stories I receive that way - Call me Anal. (ed note: Isn't that from Moby Dick?) - I checked it out then on Snopes. They've added a bit more info on it since I first checked.. . . Apropos to this issue, I read your newsletter religiously. Good stuff. Best, JJ

(Note: Spot on, Friar Anal. Cathar 1574 (implied in Catharism), from M.L. Cathari "the Pure," name taken by Novatians and other Christian sects, from N.T. Gk. katharezein "to make clean," from Gk. katheros "pure." catharsis 1803, from Gk. katharsis "purging, cleansing," from kathairein "to purify, purge," from katharsos "pure." Originally medical; of emotions from 1872; psychotherapy sense first recorded 1909, in Brill's translation of Freud. Cathartic is 1612, from L. catharticus.)

Hi Joe,
Pleasure as always to receive your amazing mixed bag of stuff. I wanted to add to your fiery discussions: The other night we had a blackout and I went to light a candle...using a match... and before I knew it the smoke had gone into my mouth and I was forced to expel it out my nose. Kind of like the first time you learn to do the drawback
(ed note: Americans read: inhale.) when smoking. And I have to say, it wasn't entirely unpleasant. (But maybe that's just because I haven't had a cigarette in a few years. Not that I really miss it.) Don't quite know where that leaves me spiritually but seeing as I'm a good Catholic girl and wear my crucifix and a holy medal at all times I reckon I'll be alright.
The creationism and rapture stuff was interesting too....crazy fundamentalists/literalists do give the rest of us intelligent Christians
(ed note: oxymoron?) a bad name....and on a related note, surely you must've heard Sister Janet Mead's hit single, The Lord's Prayer, which topped the charts in the 70's and sold three million copies?! Tori Amos wrote a song called Sister Janet which may or may not have been partly referring to her....(I just got that off the internet, I'm not the Tori expert I would like to be, although I did see her live once and she was quite fabulous.)
And speaking of believers, geeze Joe, didn't I teach you nuthin' about checking out these crazy email hoaxes and rumours? Even my Dad has now learned not to pass on every nutty warning he gets via email. I'm sure plenty of others will be chiding you right about now so I'll keep it brief: PLEASE don't pass on any "warnings" that come from well-meaning readers without checking on sites such as
www.breakthechain.org; or  www.snopes.com. Anyway, if people just get keep their smelly shoes & pets outside and do their laundry regularly, do they really need plug-in air fresheners? The over-use of chemicals and plastic by pampered Americans who need to have everything smelling of roses while they destroy the world is of much greater concern!! (Mind you those less-developed-world-style shrines can be a fire hazard too by the sounds.) Other than that, keep up the great work, Cheers Justine S.

Hey Joe,
Subject: more on 'falty' logic
Isn't  ozone (O3) one atom away from oxgen (O2) ???? 
(ed note: not one molecule!) but I like your idea; give away both butter and marg and stick with the the juices. Dave C.

Dear Joe,
Happy Sri Lankan New Year! - It's now Year 2550.
Stefan A.

Hey Joe,
Inspired by your liquid fast, I thought you'd appreciate the taste of Orange Delight! To two cups of fresh orange juice, add 1/2 tsp. each ground cloves, ground cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, 1 teas vanilla and a tbl spoon honey, simmer, and its done. . . To your health!

Re: Living Wills
The Natural Death Centre in London publishes and distributes a set of forms on which to base a living will. Excellent templates you can follow or diverge from as you wish. In three sections: Health Directive, Death Plan, and Funeral Wishes. Also they publish a brilliant book, The Natural Death Handbook, full of advice and information re an acceptable non-religious no-bullshit way to deal with what's going on round a dying friend or family member. The NDC is part of the Social Inventions Centre (or similar title), which is well worth looking into in its own right.
www.naturaldeath.org.uk best, Param

G'day Joe :)
My unliving will is really simple: "I, John C., being of sound mind and body, spent ALL the money. I want you all to be SORRY when I die!" Fond regards,
John C.

Dear Joe,
If we do not look after the planet, we are soon (relatively) not going to have a home.  Religion is a great source of conflict in the world, and if we could bring the religions of the world under one banner, without sacrificing their own gods, but by ADDING another deity, then we might have some hope for co-operation. Apart from this double-edged sword, I have a real sense of awe for Mother Earth, and it is in this context that I encourage you to embrace ClanGaia. This is a serious attempt by me to start a movement, and an invitation you to embrace the sentiments.  There is nothing more to do, except share the statement with anyone you feel might be receptive.  To change the world, we only have to change one thing: people's minds.
Lorna Parker

(Note: Lorna has an interesting CV. She holds office in Zonta International, a worldwide organisation of executives in business and the professions working together to advance the status of women. She is one of three international judges for the Zonta Young Women in Public Affairs Award, which operates in 70 countries. She is a Paul Harris fellow, Rotary International's highest award. Lorna enjoys her grandchildren, Harley Davidson trikes, combat workouts at the gym!, sleeping under the stars on the beach, and playing in a Baroque wind ensemble. If anyone is interested in knowing more about ClanGaia, the email address is on her website.

RE: Carnivores and Vegetarians and Omnivores, Oh My!

I really enjoy your words, thoughts and talent . One thing I can't figure is, is, from a heart that can be so understanding as to produce a song like "Gift from an Iraqi Child"  how in the world can that same heart make such fun and light out of killing animals? Is the shock and awed attention you get really worth it? Is that really sending messages of Peace?.... There is a picture of a little girl on your website... your granddaughter? Do you really think it is cute for her to think it is natural and even quite fun to kill the local critters ... here duckie duckie smash hit destroy ....? Or is that a restricted area? She IS the future of this planet...what feelings do you think war comes from? Why make so much fun of killing? I don't get it. And I don't think my grandkids would either. I'm saying these things not to attack you, but to protect them. As you enter back from your fast, maybe a meditational thought could be, do you really want to fill your body back up with another creatures blood, fear, pain, and loss of life? And then send out that "killing" vibration back to the world.? Why? Does your ego try to fool you saying  have some kind of right? Who says? Think..... Is it a good thing? Really think here.... don't be afraid to go beyond old bounds....... Killing... (bloodshed) ......yes..?.. or no ? And before you say it, ..... no, I never did hear a radish scream. . . . Ok Joe, it's fine with me if you want to jump to the rally of carnivorism, I'll bite.. but not the animals. The way it is presented in your newsletter, I figured that you were putting it out there more or less as a blatant  challenge to the sensitive, and I imagine that  you are glad that someone is finally taking the "bait"... So here's a little more you can add to my response to your newsletter with it's glorified recipes for innocent animals. (yes. innocent. try to Think about it ) And it will be interesting to hear what you come up with as you procede to tell me what part of thou shalt not kill that you don't understand. I imagine it will have something to do along the lines of treasured ansestors, or clicks or groups, and what they "always" did, and tradition and such , or some Godly spoken edict on high about how it has always been holy expecially on tuesdays and not if it's mixed with green  tentacles, or such, - or - just detach from it all and except any gift of food that comes your way   (oh brother - what if it is human meat? ) or how the Native Americans prayed and made it right, (It did, AT THE TIME) or what in heck would the eskimo's eat???? You would then be speaking from old historical reasons for survival when there was simply nothing else available (that they were aware of) ... so that wouldn't apply today ...... there is no excuse  for eating animals today, in fact, just the oposite, there are hungry people that could be fed on land it takes to raise cattle, etc., and there is poison levels of methane from urine and shite pouring into our streams, and much of the destruction of the rainforest is to build more ranches to further thosesame ends, so that wouldn't make sense.... or maybe how we need protein to survive (check your nutritional ingredients of beans, nuts,  legumes and veggies first and that should quiet that ...) uh...what did I leave out? Oh yeah, is there really any difference between eating a vegetable or eating a person or an animal? That one is just too lame to respond to. Yes, vegetables and everything in the Universe is living. Yes I hear someone made a lot of money proving that house plants can use a cell phone. No, No veggie I ever ate tried to run away in fear. (that I know of) and no veggie parent shed anguished tears (that I know of, but I did see some moisture on a potatoe's eyes , but then again, it is next to the onions....) And organic or not organic no veggie I ever ate had unknown pockets of tumors or blood disease or cancers or mad cow disease. And yes, even the most range fed or wild of all animals is subject to many inner ills that flow through their veins and flesh. Do we need the fat? Do we need the over amount of fat that is in meat that wraps itself around our very cells so that our blood sugars can't even flow, but are thrown into other parts of our bodies resulting in Diabetis and Pancriatic deseases and the like? Take a look around at the world as it is today Joe. Doesn't it look like we need radical change? Doesn't it look like we need Healing? Isn't standing up for the violent and glutounous side of us pretty much what's gotten this entire planet on the edge of extinction as it is ? We need change now Joe. Hey.... How about E-V-O-L-U-T-I-O-N ? That would be a good place to start.  Peace,
Char ~*
(who in the 60's was a vegetarian for 15 years, , and then not - for many years, and just back 7 years, 5 of which have been vegan. Hey... we all kinda lost track there a little for awhile, you notice that??? )

(Note: For Char~* Here's something you will like from my recipe index: KOAN FOR A KARMA-FREE TOASTED SUNFLOWER SEED PESTO. Whew! That's rave and a half. Reminds me of being stoned back in the 70s. I really like Char~* though. She has a great website: (hippiemuseum.org) she has published some of my writing and is putting my videoclip of GIFT there as well. So, I take her comments to heart and have given this matter some thought. Many of my role models were vegetarians so I have often asked myself why I am not. I have no satisfactory answer yet. None of the arguments, whether they be nutritional, moral, religious or ecological have yet convinced me. I lived for two years, in the 70s, in Maui, primarily as a fruitarian, growing all the vegetables for the salads that we ate from our communal garden, including raw comfrey! and mustard greens (magic hallucinogenic salad mushrooms, too) but mostly gathering fruit from the cornucopia of incredible trees on the island: bananas, mangoes, papayas, avocados, macadamia nuts, star fruit, jack fruit, passion fruit, etc. For every convincing argument for one dietary philosophy, there is an equally convincing argument for another. John Stoltenberg, (the partner of the powerful feminist writer Andrea Dworkin, who recently passed away) once wrote: 'There are as many different sexes as there are people.' A profound statement, equally applicable to religions . . . and food/life philosophies. There is not enough space in one newsletter to really get into this properly but I will give a few links that might help others in their quest. I have decided that what I am is probably an omnivore. I eat everything on my plate. Some specifics things in Char~*'s letter, however, I DO take umbrage with:

1- The concept that it is more evolved to be a vegetarian. Firstly, what human being could possibly have the objectivity and distance to see what constitutes evolution in another human being? If I didn't know Char~* better, I would say that this almost borders on fundamentalism. Evolution, if it is anything, is more akin to transformation, rather than enlightenment.

2- Char~* doll, if you never have heard a carrot scream, I suggest you go back to Peyote 101, chew a little more, and have another listen. I'm sure you have felt some kind of strange feeling when you cut a living flower to put in a vase or wear in a buttonhole? That's kind of like what it sounds like . . . .

3- If eating meat is to ' fill your body back up with another creatures blood, fear, pain, and loss of life?. . ' and is sending a 'killing vibration back to the world.. ' then what kind of verdict is that for the millions of species that do precisely that everyday to survive? Or maybe when other species do it, that isn't really what happens. (Or maybe when WE do it, that isn't what really happens either.) Killing - whether ones approves of it or not - is a natural part of existence for every life-form on this planet. I am against human beings killing other human beings! Let's try that one first.

Here are a few other comments and elaborations that I have gathered from various internet bloggers, most with only nicknames, so I'll just print the raves:

' To be a pure vegetarian, one should avoid any kind of meat, fish and eggs. But to follow the Yogic diet you should try to avoid onions, garlic and mushrooms as well. Mushrooms are not vegetables, and according to the tantric science, onion and garlic have a negative effect on the mind (garlic is good as an antibiotic, but it is not good for the mind). Those who practice deep meditation will notice how these items create agitation in the mind.'

' The primary ethical criticism of veganism is against it's underlying philosopy of "indirect responsibility" via reductio ad absurdum. First of all, the vegan diet is not at all bloodless. Field animals such as rodent, snake, rabbit as well as worms and insects are routinely killed in the course of producing crops. Moreover, though daily recommended protein intake obtained from a vegetarian diet is generally less bloodier than a diet consisting of meat, it is theoretically possible to kill less life if one eats meat from free roaming animals (such as fish or meat obtained by hunting). In such instance, you are not responsible for life consumed by such animals while it is growing up. But more importantly, critics point out that any act of consumption is likely to involve proxy killing. When we purchase books (timber), switch the light on (to use electricity) or drive car (gas, plastic, steel, electricity), we indirectly contribute to the destruction of environment, hence taking of life. In essence, human existence causes suffering. The most absurd implication of this revelation is that one should not procreate, so to avoid proxy killing by their offsprings and decendants. One who has led a pious and vegan diet all his/her life but fails to practice contraception would have caused infinitely more (indirect) suffering than one who leads the life of greed and gluttony, but avoids producing children. In essence, critics point out that veganism merely serves a symbolic gesture while it obscures the nature of human activities. What the underlying principle of veganism indicates is that one should consume less. For example, one may be more careful about the "quantity" of food one consumes rather than the "type" of food. In essence, critics argue that veganism is not exactly wrong, but misguided.'

'Kill vegetables humanely or not at all!' (ed note: Amen to that!)

'I don't value all life equally and willing to assign a scale of value. So a human maybe gets 1000 points and a single celled organism maybe 1/1000 of a point. Toads and congressmen are maybe around a 10. So, I don't see much justification for someone getting bent out of shape for someone else consuming a single cell organism -- why, we accidentally swallow hundreds of dust mites a minute (a fairly advanced from of life compared to single cell organisms), no doubt killing a good many of them. When I eat a veggie-burger, I certainly am killing a number of small creatures in the process -- if I use the microwave or boil something -- I kill more living things than there are albums on eMusic.'

'Occasionally, you will get cornered by a carnivore and harassed about "claiming to be a vegetarian but still wearing leather shoes." Your response could simply be "well, you may be butt ugly, but yo mama still loves you and that doesn't make sense either" (ed note: see more about yo mama later) It's not about being either an absolute saint or sinner. It is not a black or white issue. It is complex and there are many levels/shades of gray in-between.'

And on and on it goes. . .



A prejudice or attitude of bias in favor of the interests of members of ones own species and against those of members of other species.

Lawrence Dunn, an Aboriginal Youth Speaks His Mind About Eating Meat...

Scientific reasons, Social reasons, Spiritual reasons

And for the lighthearted:

The Morality of Human Omnivorousness
No more lions and tigers and bears (oh my!). No sirree! Just a Wizard-of-Oz fairytale existence where everything is Emerald-City green, populated with plants and squeaky, smiley, feel-good munchkins stunted by generations of eating nothing but green, green, and even more green. And all you'd have to do is click your ruby-slippered heels three times, and you'd be transported to the fantasy world of your dreams where nothing in nature ever kills anything else at all.

Mongolianese Joke (for all my Mongolianese readers)

Eight nuns, from Mongolia, go into a bar. One of the nuns says "Os pássaros estão assim hilariously vivos e na carga, mas porque devem peck em meus garments? Você pombo louco, seja ido de meus hippotomos?!" (boomeus boomeus!)



"You folkies out there! Comrades! We've created together a whole small world of song, story, travel, love and food, face to face, in every corner of the land, mutually supportive and happening at a sub-industrial level, below the level of media notice. Hooray for us! Who needs the "entertainment" industry? Who needs mass media? Small is beautiful! To hell with the mainstream. It's polluted. What purifies the mainstream? The little tributaries up in the wilderness where the pure water flows. Better to be lost in the tributaries known to a few than mired in the mainstream, consumed with self-love and the absurdity of greed. Please. Don't give our world up. It needs to grow, yes ­ but subtly, out, through, under, quietly, like water eroding stone, subversive, alive, happy." Bruce 'U. Utah' Phillips, folksinger and fellow Ohio refugee

Hear Wing sing FERNANDO!
(thanks to Joe Creighton)

Unitarian Jihad
by Jon Carroll

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only one God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression! (site)


Earth To Humankind: Back Off! Say good-bye to your car, computer, everything. We are burning up the planet too fast to hang on.
By Mark Morford

The Earth is going down. Way, way down. To the mat, hard and painful and with a sad moaning broken-boned crunch.

We are chewing her up, spitting her out, stomping and gobbling and burning and gouging and drilling and sucking her dry and we are carelessly replicating ourselves so goddamn fast we can't even stop much less even try to slow the heck down, and all we want is more and faster and with less consequence and pretty soon the Earth is gonna go, well, there you are, I'm finished, sorry, and boom zing groan, done.

Don't take my world for it. Just read the headlines, the latest major, soul-stabbing report.

It's one of those stories that sort of punches you in the karmic gut, about how they just completed this unprecedented, four-year, $24 million, U.N.-backed study involving 1,360 scientists from 95 nations who all pored over thousands of satellite images and countless scientific reports and reams of stats, and they all distilled their findings down to one deadly, heartbreaking summary.

And here it is: We, humankind, people, sentient carbon-based biped creatures, only us and no one else but us because it sure as hell ain't the goddamn lions or caribou or meerkats or rhododendrons, we humans have, in our shockingly short time one this wobbly sphere, used up a staggering 60 percent of the world's grasslands, forests, farmland, rivers and lakes.

That's right, 60 percent. Gone. Burned up. Used up. Much of it irreversibly. These are the basic ecosystem services that, simply put, sustain life on Earth. The glass ain't even half full, people. It's about three-fifths empty and draining fast and we are doing our damnedest to expedite the process because, well, this is just who we are. (ARTICLE)

The Long Emergency
What's going to happen as we start running out of cheap gas to guzzle?

A few weeks ago, the price of oil ratcheted above fifty-five dollars a barrel, which is about twenty dollars a barrel more than a year ago. The next day, the oil story was buried on page six of the New York Times business section. Apparently, the price of oil is not considered significant news, even when it goes up five bucks a barrel in the span of ten days. That same day, the stock market shot up more than a hundred points because, CNN said, government data showed no signs of inflation. Note to clueless nation: Call planet Earth.

Carl Jung, one of the fathers of psychology, famously remarked that "people cannot stand too much reality." What you're about to read may challenge your assumptions about the kind of world we live in, and especially the kind of world into which events are propelling us. We are in for a rough ride through uncharted territory.

It has been very hard for Americans -- lost in dark raptures of nonstop infotainment, recreational shopping and compulsive motoring -- to make sense of the gathering forces that will fundamentally alter the terms of everyday life in our technological society. Even after the terrorist attacks of 9/11, America is still sleepwalking into the future. I call this coming time the Long Emergency. (article)

Beer Giant Says it Won't Buy Rice from States That Grow GM Crops
WASHINGTON -- Anheuser-Busch Cos., the nation's No. 1 buyer of rice as well as its largest brewer, says it won't buy rice from Missouri if genetically modified, drug-making crops are allowed to be grown in the state. (article)


Yo mama's so big when she goes to the movie theatre she sits next to everybody.
Yo mama's so big when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway
Yo mama's so big at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
Yo mama's so big her blood type is ragu.
Yo mama's so big she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!
Yo mama's so big she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama's so big she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama's so big she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big..
Yo mama's so big she sat on the corner and the police came & said "break it up!".
Yo mama's so big she's on both sides of the family
Yo mama's so big when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo mama's so big when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo mama's so big when she gets on the scale it says ' to be continued.'
Yo mama's so big when she sits around the house she REALLY sits AROUND the house
Yo mama's so big when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo mama's so big when she went to the beach, Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.
Yo mama's so big when she goes to an all You can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo mama's so big, when she travels, she's gotta make two trips.
Yo mama's so big that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama's so dumb she sat on TV & watched the couch
Yo mama's so dumb she took a spoon to the Super Bowl
Yo mama's so dumb, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
Yo mama's so dumb, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."
Yo mama's so dumb, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
Yo mama so dumb watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo mama's so dumb at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagitarius.
Yo mama's so dumb on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911
Yo mama's so dumb she jumped out the window and went up
Yo mama's so dumb she said "what's that letter after x" and i said Y she said "cause I wana know"
Yo mama's so dumb that she got hit by a parked car.
Yo mama's so dumb that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama's so dumb when she saw "under 17 not admitted" sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo mama's so dumb, that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
Yo mama's so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama's so ugly I took her to haunted house and she came out with a job application
Yo mama's so ugly I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "thanks for bringing her back
Yo mama's so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo mama's so ugly she has to trick or treat over the phone
Yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mama's so ugly that Yo father takes her to work just so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo mama's so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
Yo mama's so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama's so ugly when she sits in the sand the cat tries to bury her.
Yo mama's so ugly when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming.
Yo mama's so ugly when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows
Yo mama's so ugly when she was born the doctor smacked everyone.
Yo mama's so ugly when she was born, the doctor slapped HER mama!
Yo mama was such an ugly baby that her parents had to feed her with slingshots.
Yo mama's so hairy Bigfoot takes pictures of her
Yo mama's so hairy her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock
Yo mama's so hairy she has afros on her nipples
Yo mama's so nasty I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection
Yo mama's so nasty she made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down and Ban come off strike
Yo mama's so nasty she gets sourdough yeast infections
Yo mama's got 1 toe & 1 knee and they call her Tony
Yo mama's got an afro, with a chin strap!!!!
Yo mama has one arm and swims in circles
Yo mama has one short arm and can't applaud.
Yo mama's so black every time she gets in a car the oil light comes on
Yo mama's so black that lightening bugs follow her in the daytime
Yo mama's so old Jurassic Park brought back memories.
Yo mama's so old she owes Jesus a nickel.
Yo mama's so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama's so old, her birthday's expired.
Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo mama's so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Yo mama's so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layby.
Yo mama's so poor your tv got 2 channels: on and off
Yo mama's so poor, Yo family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama's butt is so big it looks like 2 pigs fighting over milk duds
Yo mama's head is so big, she dont have dreams, she have movies
Yo mama's been on welfare so long they put her face on the food stamps.
Yo mama's glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she can see people waving
Yo mama's missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yo mama's so cheap, instead of buying a fire alarm, she hangs Jiffy Pop from the ceiling.
Yo mama's such a 'ho that I could've been Yo daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.

Stories of a Charmed Life
By Marjorie Cohn

Harriet McBryde Johnson does not suffer fools gladly. She regularly protests Jerry Lewis's telethon for Muscular Dystrophy. She was appalled at the sight of the newly-crippled Christopher Reeve featured as prime time speaker at the 1996 Democratic Convention. Harriet has never been able to walk, dress, or bathe without assistance, due to a congenital neuromuscular disease. Yet this almost-50, feisty Southern belle lawyer and disability rights activist simply refuses to abide Lewis's patronizing "support" for the disabled, or the use of Reeve out on the DNC stage as a token "crip."

I first met Harriet at a National Lawyers Guild convention years ago. She doesn't exactly blend in with the crowd, with her tiny 70-pound frame draped in a shawl, hunched over in her ubiquitous wheelchair, chin resting on a delicate curled-down hand, ample earrings dangling beside her long braid. Harriet rolled on to the national literary stage with her debut on the cover of the New York Times Magazine and the accompanying story of her unlikely debate with Princeton University Professor Peter Singer, animal rights activist, and, in Harriet's words, advocate of the "genocide" of disabled babies. That article is reprinted in slightly different form as one chapter of Harriet's book, titled "Unspeakable Conversations." It begins: "He insists he doesn't want to kill me. He simply thinks it would have been better, all things considered, to have given my parents the option of killing the baby I once was, and to let other parents kill similar babies as they come along, and thereby avoid the suffering that comes with lives like mine and satisfy the reasonable preferences of parents for a different kind of child. It has nothing to do with me. I should not feel threatened." (article)



Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition...each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment, and an appointment for a haircut. He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keep it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every repulsive character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply themselves either while driving or making four lunches.

They must adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, they will have to endure severe stomach cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to play with the children each night, bathe them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. In addition, each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor.

They must clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if . . . he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moments notice..

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!
(thanks to Sher Hazeldine and Blaise Van Hecke)


Roast Chestnuts with Chestnut Pesto
(Something for my vegetarian and vegan friends.)

Chestnuts, some for eating and some for the pesto
Fresh basil
cold pressed olive oil, walnut oil or flaxseed oil

Roast the chestnuts over a fire or in the oven (approx 45 minutes). Peel. Combine a couple handfuls of peeled nuts with some garlic, fresh basil leaves and a little salt into a mortar and pestle. Pound until smooth and reduced. Add some oil. Pound some more. Correct the taste as you like it. Serve a couple of tablespoons of pesto on a plate with the roasted chestnuts.

Storing Pesto: Put pesto in a jar with a tight fitting lid and flatten pesto with a spoon and cover with a layer of oil to keep out the oxygen. Refrigerate until ready to use.


(And to be fair, something for my carnivore and omnivore readers:)


1 free range Vegetarian
(of your choice, preferably one that has been fed on the previous recipe for at least a week, to remove all impurities, like nicotine, etc.)
1.5 lbs high quality crusty French baguettes, cut into small bite sized cubes
1 cup dried cherries
1 cup dry white wine
1.5 lbs chestnuts, peeled
4- 5 cups homemade well flavoured stock
1 stick unsalted butter
1 large fennel bulb
small dice 3 celery ribs
small dice 6 medium leeks, white and tender green part only, sliced thinly
1 tsp ground white pepper
2 tbs fresh thyme
4 tbs fresh chervil (or flat leaf parsley)
salt to taste
1 egg, beaten

Two days before, cube bread and spread on baking sheets to stale. (You may also put the baking sheets into a very slow oven for a couple hours until bread is dry and crunchy.) In a bowl, combine dried cherries with wine and macerate for at least 1 hour. Peel chestnuts. Cover chestnuts with stock in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Simmer chestnuts until tender. Drain, reserving stock to moisten dressing later. In a stockpot, melt butter over moderate heat until bubbly. Add white pepper, fennel and celery and sauté until they begin to soften. Add leaks, thyme, chervil and continue cooking until all are tender, but not browned. Turn heat to high, add the cherries and the wine and cook for 1 - 2 minutes to burn off the alcohol. Add bread and chestnuts and toss evenly. Add reserved stock gradually while mixing until dressing has desired moisture. Salt to taste if necessary. Chill before stuffing your Vegetarian. Bake your Vegetarian at 350 F covered loosely with foil until ready. Let Vegetarian rest after roasting. Ommmmmmmmmmmmm.


Loveliest of lovely things are they
On earth, that soonest pass away.
The rose that lives its little hour
Is prized beyond the sculptured flower.

William Cullen BRYANT (1794-1878) ~