Correction to Last Weeks Issue
Eric Houg has correctly pointed out that: President
Elmer W. Fudd
should actually be pronounced: Pwesident Emwa Dubya Fudd.
Favourite Reader Feedback of the Week
" Howdy err ... Joe?
Before I go any further, let me just ask: Who the hell are you, and how did I come to find myself on your god-forsaken mailing list? That said, I'm not suggesting that I wish to be removed . . . Not yet, anyway; this thing that you've sent me seems mildly entertaining ... there's nothing wrong with that, some of my best friends are mildly entertaining ... and obviously we occupy compatible political standpoints, so there is no reason for me to send the cyberboys around to kneecap your computer. Not yet, anyway. I'd be lying if i said my initial reaction to finding this email in my silicony possession was not one of extreme annoyance. To be brutally honest, it provoked a tirade which you are damn lucky not to have witnessed. (Thinking back into that confused fog of anger, i vaguely remember calling upon each evil spirit and every merciless god to visit upon you infinite pain and suffering for all of eternity and beyond ... if i remember correctly, and if a punishment which fits this description is actually being meted out, then sorry ... i didn't think they took requests. Not yet, anyway) Then after a few 'slow, deep breaths' (IF you know what i'm saying ... THEN you should be arrested) i found myself feeling a little more err ... zen ... about the whole situation, and decided to broach the matter with you directly, in a civil, courteous manner. Which brings me to the present moment (AKA now), and the questions with which i commenced this missive.
1. Who the hell are you? and
2. How did I (etc etc) god-forsaken mailing list?
After all this, i expect an answer! Not a hyperlink, not a pro-forma letter, not a brush off or a non-reply; but a genuine, if not lengthy then at least considered, answer. And if the answer is to the effect of 'But Craig, don't you remember? I'm the famous musician! We met at a bar! We talked for hours! You said you wanted to have my children, i said i don't have any but you can borrow my cat ... which reminds me, has Tibbles been swallowing her tablets?' then sorry, i do this all the time - hence the clawmarks on my arms and face - and can you please send me a brief description of Tibbles. . . . Craig."
Note: This is only an edited version of a little longer rant but that's the coherent part of it. (The rest was in tongues - Aramaic? or whatever Mad Max Jr and Mad Max Sr probably speak to each other.) Hope Craig stays on board as I like his style - and I also need a bit of ballast aft.
Favourite Porm Spam of the Week
Subject: FAITH is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.
I must lose myself in action, lest I wither
in despair. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lowest prices:
Viagra $1.70 dose. "
'Every faith in the world is based on fabrications. That is the definition of faith - acceptance of that which we imagine to be true, that which we cannot prove. Every religion describes God through metaphor, allegory and exaggerations, from the early Egyptians through modern Sunday school. Metaphors are a way to help our minds process the unprocessible. The problems arise when we begin to believe in our own metaphors." Dan Brown, 'The Da Vinci Code'
I don't normally read WHO Magazine but the current issue (April 5, 2004) is devoted to the spiritual beliefs of movie stars (an oxymoron?), from Kabbalah to Scientology, Christianity to Voo-Doo. It's good reading. There are articles by Kirk Douglas and Stephen King talking about Melmwa Fuddson's 'The Pwassion of The Cwyst.'
Kirk Douglas, the star of one of the greatest Christian themed films of all time, 'Spartacus', which combines 'Gladiator,' with 'The Passion,' and eats them both for breakfast, says: ' I was suddenly shocked to see Pontius Pilate play a scene as if he were Hamlet . . . . It was almost like a porno film with a naked man whipped until the blood flowed . . . Mel, I am a Jew, you are a Catholic. I think you did a disservice to both.'
Stephen King, who should have been a Catholic priest, and who has more Good vs Evil subtext running through his novels than anyone out there, in a brilliant article, 'The Passion of Alicia,' speaks about how he thought the film was' terrific . . . like Sam Peckinpah does Good Friday . . .' until he noticed the Christian parents who brought their 6 and 8 year old kids to the theatre. The kids covered their eyes when the violence started and King was distracted, empathising with these poor underage children, forced by their selfish non-thinking parents to endure the further 50 minutes of in-your-face nightmarish gore. He felt shame.
Some of my favourite excerpts from the WHO articles:
' God has long held a high profile in Hollywood. The first version of the Ten Commandments was released in 1923.'
' The primary religion practiced in Hollywood is MONEY,' says one exec. 'We do not not hesitate to worship false idols. If religion sells, we're going to do it.'
Jennifer Lopez's story is weird and colourful. Brought up Catholic, after she and Ben Affleck split, she turned to Merle Gonzales, a Cuban-born Santeria priestess. Santeria combines Catholic iconography with West African voodoo traditions, including animal sacrifices and a belief in reincarnation. (Not that there's anything wrong with that. There's an ugly cat who continually sprays our verandah that I wouldn't mind sacrificing to Homer, the God Midget of Duh.)
In response to allegations that Scientology is a mind-controlling cult, John Travolta says, 'Give us a break. Being the bold personalities we are, do you honestly think we'd let ourselves be controlled?"
Are you asking me, John? Since when does having a bold personality have anything to do with being immune from manipulation? (Isn't that why God invented lawyers?)
Note: I have some pretty strong views about Scientology - and its Sibling Rivalry with EST, and Psychoanalysis, two activities that it vehemently and loudly opposes. Having known, in the Biblical sense, the bastard lovechild of EST, THE FORUM, many years ago, and studied Mother L. Ron Hubbard's book, DIABETICS, from cover-to-cover several times (and I still have many close friends whom I respect and l care about, even though they are recovering dysfunctional Scientogimists), - and having spend a couple months, in the '70s, as an inmate of the Athens State Mental Hospital, in Ohio, playing ping-pong with one table short of a ball, the SINGLE thing all three of these mighty popular 20th Century Creedos DO agree upon is the URGENCY of freeing oneself from 'comanomes', (aka ENGRAMS), the psycho-emotional blocks, occurring in early years, especially around near-death experiences, that can subliminally interfere with your life, relationships and decisions now.
For me, however, The BIG Stanley Kubrick 2001 Black Granite Monkey-Ass BLOCK, occurs in deciding just how FAR back one needs to go to clean up all that backed-up mental toilet psychobabble - and that also means, of course, how many other LIFETIMES back - shades of Buddhism! - in order to CLEAR and PURIFY up your Today Right Now Present In-the-Moment You-R-Here. (I hate that word: Purify. Don't it just reek of Stinkyness). One could spend one's whole life (and bank balance) playing Sherlock Homes Alone, Sigmund's Fraud, Search L. Ron's Cupboard, kiss Werner's ErrHeart, - and smoking the Pope's Dope - and still have an infinite number of monkeys pounding out an infinite number of 'I toght I taw a puty tat' in the Nervous Hospital of Your Mind, with Carl ' Uhnnnnnnnnn . . . Some People Call it a Kaiser Blade, But I Call It a Slingblade' Billy Bob, and Clark 'Man and Friedrich Nietzsche' Kent , for bunkmates. (Could you follow all that, folks?)
Points in question: Tom Cruise ain't doing so well with his last string of women friends, are he? (Might need little more Clearing in the Back Forty, I think, Tom) And has anyone seen John Travolta's movie version kefaffle of Hubbard's sci-fi Unmasteredpiece, 'Battlefield Earth'? Practically unwatchable (and I've been known to watch linoleum if it had Special Effects) - poor L. Ron must not be too happy at Big Johnny messing up his classic book. He'd probably like to stick him on the ol' extra-strength, high voltage San Quentin E-meter for a few pulls, demanding," Papers, pleeeeze!!"
As far as dealing with mental, emotional and spiritual dust mites, I much prefer the simple insights of Ian Gawler, founder of The Gawler Institute, and the effective method he used to cure himself of 'incurable' cancer - (which you all can do at home, kids.)
' 'Passive meditation treats anxiety regardless of cause and more importantly, it works even if the cause is UNIDENTIFIED.' Ian Gawler, You Can Conquer Cancer (GAWLER INSTITUTE)
Check it out. K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple, Sigmund. Just learning how to BREATHE properly can make ALL the difference. And you can also Do-It-Yourself, for FREE, NADA, ZILTCH which means: no E-priests, no E-meters and no Parking Meters.
- Brief History Lesson for Christians -
A Few Examples of God Having Children With Ordinary Mortals:
1. Alcmene made pregnant by Zeus, gave birth
to Hercules, half mortal, half god.
2. Danae made pregnant by Zeus, gave birth to Perseus, half mortal, half god.
3. Princess Aethra made pregnant by Poseidon, gave birth to Theseus, half mortal, half god.
4. Mary made pregnant by God the Father, gave birth to Jesus, half mortal and half god. (Oops! I forgot, that one was REAL! i.e. Movie still in the cinemas - not allowed to take home the DVD just yet.)
They Did Know Better. They Did Know Better.
The Bush Administration knew from the beginning that there was no connection between Iraq and 9/11, but created the misperception in order to push their policy goals
by Richard A. Clark
(Richard A. Clarke was the National Security Council's counterterrorism chief under Presidents Clinton and Bush.)
"[Rumsfeld, Cheney and Bush] did know better. They did know better. They did know better. We told them, the CIA told them, the FBI told them. They did know better. And the tragedy here is that Americans went to their death in Iraq thinking that they were avenging September 11th, when Iraq had nothing to do with September 11th. I think for a commander-in-chief and a vice president to allow that to happen is unconscionable."
"Frankly, I find it outrageous that the
president is running for re-election on the grounds that he's
done such great things about terrorism. He ignored it. He ignored
terrorism for months, when maybe we could have done something
to stop 9/11. Maybe. We'll never know. . . I think the way he
has responded to al-Qaeda, both before 9/11 by doing nothing,
and by what he's done after 9/11 has made us less safe, absolutely.
I think he's done a terrible job on the war against terrorism." (MORE)
(Thanks to Janice Toreki)
Things Get Worse With Coke
Bottled Tap Water Withdrawn After Cancer
First, Coca-Cola's new brand of "pure"
bottled water, Dasani, was revealed earlier this month to be tap
water taken from the mains. Then it emerged that what the firm
described as its "highly sophisticated purification process",
based on Nasa spacecraft technology, was in fact reverse osmosis
used in many modest domestic water purification units.
Yesterday, just when executives in charge of a £7m marketing push for the product must have felt it could get no worse, it did precisely that. The entire UK supply of Dasani was pulled off the shelves because it has been contaminated with bromate, a cancer-causing chemical. (more)
Unborn Victims of Violence Act
If it were not for a zealous anti-abortion leadership, the Senate could pass a bill 100-0 that punishes criminals and addresses women's losses, without entangling it in the debate over abortion rights. Instead, we've seen a divisive political struggle, scheduled for the goal of maximum political theater.
Why? Because the anti-abortion movement, from President Bush on down, has insisted on using a legitimate issue-a penalty for violence that harms or ends a pregnancy-as cover for its campaign to undermine a woman's right to choose. (more)
Senate Outlaws Injury to Fetus During a
By CARL HULSE
WASHINGTON - The Senate approved legislation on Thursday making it a separate offense to harm the fetus in a federal crime committed against a pregnant woman, sending the measure to President Bush for his signature.
Opponents denounced the bill, adopted on a vote of 61 to 38, as an effort to undermine the constitutional right to abortion by recognizing the fetus as a person.
The House passed the measure on Feb. 26, 254 to 163.
The Senate's action was the second major victory
in the Republican controlled Congress for the anti-abortion movement,
which had sought this legislation since 1999. Last November, Mr.
Bush signed into law a ban on the procedure that critics call
partial-birth abortion. (more)
Rural Gays Find Home in Rodeo
By MICHELLE RUSHLO
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. (AP) - A half dozen cowboys exercised their horses around the dirt arena in preparation for the next two days, when they would rope calves, ride bulls and broncos and maneuver their horses around barrels and poles.
Some also would race goats, decorate steers and dress in drag, because this isn't your average rodeo - it's a stop on the International Gay Rodeo Association circuit. (MORE)
Note: I recommend
Annie Proulx's short story, 'Brokeback Mountain,' for one of the
most beautiful contemporary tales, about two cowboys together
out on the range, that you'll ever read. It reminded me so much
of 'A Rose for Emily,' by William Faulkner. You can find it in
her anthology, Close Range: Wyoming Stories. Apparently it's being
made into a film with Matt Damon playing one of cowpokes (boom boom! Pass the bear grease.)
Ok Ok Lighten Up, Joe
Light Bulb Jokes
How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb? One TWO! One TWO! One TWO!
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes three bulbs.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.
How many science fiction writers does it take
to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person
doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway
and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that
they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred
and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out
"Bring a bottle of wine and wear something uncomplicated - I'm in no mood for a struggle tonight," rolled from Jean-Pierre's lips like a bowling ball shooting up the return ramp, only to slow itself abruptly at the top before ka-whonking! into the balls already lined up there like all the lines she had heard before, and Sylvia knew at last that all the good ones were not married, gay, or in Mexican prisons. (James Pokines, Hickam AFB)
His knowing brown eyes held her gaze for a seeming eternity, his powerful arms clasped her slim body in an irresistible embrace, and from his broad, hairy chest a primal smell of "male" tantalized her nostrils; "Looks like another long night in the ape house" thought veterinarian Abigail Brown as she gingerly reached for the constipated gorilla's suppository. (Paul Jeffery, Oxford)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
The World's SHORTEST Books
1. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
2. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
3. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
4. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
5. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by JOHN DENVER
6. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD, by BILL GATES
Children's Books You'll NEVER See
1. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving
2. Pop! Goes The Hamster... And Other Great Microwave Games
3. When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say 'God Did It'
NEW NIETZSCHIAN DIET LETS YOU EAT WHATEVER YOU FEAR MOST
NEW YORK-While dieters are accustomed to exercises of will, a new English translation of Germany's most popular diet book takes the concept to a new philosophical level. The Nietzschean diet, which commands its adherents to eat superhuman amounts of whatever they most fear, is developing a strong following in America.
'Fat Is Dead', proclaims the ambitious title of the dense, aphoristic nutrition plan, which was written by Friedrich Nietzsche in the late 1880s and unearthed three years ago. After reaching bestseller lists in Europe, the book was translated into English by R.J. Hollingdale and published by Avon last month.
"One must strive to eat dangerously as one comes into the Will to Power Oneself Thin," Nietzsche wrote. "What do you fear? By this are you truly Fattened. You must embrace your Fears, as well as your Fat, and learn to Laugh as you consume them, along with Generous Portions of Simple Salad. Remember, as you stare into the lettuce, the lettuce stares also into you." (more or less)