Xmas Issue - December 11th, 2004 - Xmas Issue!!

Oh Come, Let Us Endore Her!

Merry Christmas to All the Little People,

This is the last newsletter before the holidays and Part One of my Christmas Card to you! Part Two, once again, is the Santa Joseph Website where you can hear favourite music (including an a capella version of my hymn, 'A Girl Is Born in Bethlehem,' performed live by the Melbourne Chamber Singers,) and other interesting music.

My most recent anti-war song, 'Gift - from One Iraqi Child,' forms part of the Peace Songs for a Better World CD, just picked as Album of the Week, on Radio Voce Spazio, in San Michele, Italy. It also has been chosen as Album of the Week on JRRI Radio International, Ireland, broadcast across Europe! All proceeds from sales go to UNESCO. 'Gift' was also one of the three songs added to their weekly playlist, along with Josh White Jrs, 'No One Can Stop Me When I'm Out to Be Good.'

I hope you enjoy some of the strangeness I've managed to dig up about Christmas this year and I just want to thank everyone who has hung in there with me in 2004, reading these confounded newsletters and those who have sent me articles, stories, jokes and comments.

Cookies and Milk for 2005,
Santa Joseph
(Holy Cheeeus, Mahry and Chosef Pty Ltd, Ireland)

Christmas Fact 1
A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

DWARF PIE

Animated pies or pyes and 'coffyns,' were the most  popular banquet entertainment in the 14th, 15th, and 16th Century. The nursery rhyme "Sing a Song of Sixpence . . . four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie," refers to such a pie. According to the rhyme, "When the pie was opened, the birds began to sing. Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the King." In all likelihood, those birds not only sang, but flew briskly out at the assembled guests. Rabbits, frogs, turtles, other small animals, and even small people (dwarfs) were also set into pies, either alone or with birds, to be released when the crust was cut. The dwarf would emerge and walk down the length of the table, reciting poetry, sketching the guests, or doing tricks. (Note: Sounds like a good gig for John Howard.)

To Make Pie That the Birds May Be Alive In them and Flie Out When It Is Cut Up - Make the coffyn of a great pie or pastry, in the bottome thereof make a hole as big as your fist, or bigger if you will, let the sides of the coffin bee somwhat higher then ordinary pies, which done put it full of flower and bake it, and being baked, open the hole in the bottome, and take out the flower. Then having a pie of the bigness of the hole in the bottome of the coffyn aforesaid, you shal put it into the coffyn, with all put into the said coffyn round about the aforesaid pie as many small live birds as the empty coffyn will hold, besides the pie aforesaid. And this is to be at such time as you send the pie to the table, and set before the guests: where uncovering or cutting up the lid of the great pie, all the birds will flie out, which is to delight and pleasure shew to the company. And because they shall not bee altogether mocked, you shall cut open the small pie, and in this sort you may make many others, the like you may do with a tart. Epulario (The Italian Banquet), 1598)

Christmas Fact 2
The table for Christmas Eve dinner in the Ukraine is set with two tablecloths: one for the ancestors of the family, the other for the living members. In pagan times, ancestors were believed to be benevolent spirits who, when shown respect, brought good fortune.

RECIPE

Santa Joseph's Xmas Roast Reindeer, Mixed Grilled Elves and Garage Sale

Ingredients:
1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed and head mounted if you so desire.
6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable weight.
8 lbs. frozen celery, finely chopped.
8 lbs. frozen onions, finely chopped.
8 lbs. frozen carrots, finely diced.
1 gallon vodka (to numb the elves before you peel them and dice
them).
32 lbs. dry pine needles.
3 gallons reindeer stock.
de-icing salt and Spruce pepperberries, to taste.
Fresh toadstools, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
3-4 gallons of cold pressed Elf oil for basting the roasting reindeer.

Preparation:
Saute the onions, carrots, and celery in a large pan, using some cold pressed Elf oil, until tender. Brown the diced elves in the same pan until lightly browned. Mix the vegetables, elves, pine needles, and the reindeer stock, season to taste with pepper, salt and toadstools. Stuff the dressing in the reindeer, then sew the deer shut. As for roasting the whole reindeer; it is usually difficult to find an oven large enough to do the job, so you will have to be creative. My personal favorite is to prop the reindeer up on a neighbor kid's wagon. Then roll the whole shebang into your favourite irritating neighbour's garage and set fire to the garage. If you can keep the local fire department at bay for 3-4 hours the reindeer will be perfectly done. This recipe will serve 175-225 hearty alternatively inclined diners.

P.S. Never hunt elves in the same area each year. They have long memories and they won't fall for the vodka trick two years in a row.
[Thanks to Rose Vos]

Christmas Fact 3
Christmas trees are edible. Many parts of pines, spruces, and firs can be eaten. The needles are a good source of vitamin C. Pine nuts, or pine cones, are also a good source of nutrition.

The Most Narcotic Period of Anniversary

Christmas is a time of peace, love, and sharing, an opportunity to embrace our fellow human beings regardless of language, culture or infectious disease. But Christmas is also a time of song, and to properly celebrate our diversity we are in need of truly multilingual Christmas carols.

To ensure that other languages were not left out ... to stop English-speakers from singing only white facist homophobic anal retentive xmas carols over which English holds big boss linguistic monopoly ... I enlisted the help of the BABELFISH ALTAVISTA ONLINE LANGUAGE TRANSLATOR.

I have taken English language Christmas Carols through the translation path English -> French -> English -> German -> English -> Italian -> English -> Portuguese -> English -> Spanish -> English, and I trust I have now created a truly universal Canon of Carols with which the whole western world may celebrate the joy of Christmas. Example:

(many More) Website (thanks to Joshua)

Christmas Fact 4
Historians have traced some of the current traditions surrounding Father Christmas, or Santa Claus, back to ancient Celtic roots. Father Christmas's elves are the modernization of the "Nature folk" of the Pagan religions; his reindeer are associated with the "Horned God," which was one of the Pagan deities.

Pogs Out of Work

Known by a number of names, Pogonophobia refers to an abnormal and persistent fear of beards. This problem often significantly impacts the quality of life, can cause panic attacks and keep people apart from loved ones and business associates (especially folksingers and certain arts bureaucrats . . wink wink nudge nudge say no more). Symptoms typically include shortness of breath, rapid breathing, irregular heartbeat, sweating, nausea, and overall feelings of dread, although everyone experiences pogonophobia in their own way and may have different symptoms.

The CTRN Phobia Clinic will train your mind to feel completely different about beards, eliminating the fear so it never haunts you again. (Note: Your beard is getting sleepy, sleepy . . . . .so sleepy . . ) Site

Do You Suffer From Any of the Following?

Bufonophobia: an abnormal and persistent fear of toads.
Zemmiphobia: an abnormal and persistent fear of the great mole rat.
Xylophobia: an abnormal and persistent fear of wooden objects or forests.
Dutchphobia: an abnormal and persistent fear of the Dutch.
Sinistrophobia: an abnormal and persistent fear of things to the left .
Rhabdophobia : an abnormal and persistent fear of magic wands.
Cacomorphobia: Fear of fat people.
Caligynephobia: Fear of beautiful women.
Kyphophobia: Fear of stooping.
(Cacocaligynekyphophibia: Fear of fat, beautiful stooping women. boom boom!)
Novercaphobia: Fear of your mother-in-law.
Phonemophobia: Fear of thinking.
Panphobia: Fear of everything. (NOTE: ESPECIALLY FRYING PANS.)
(See Phobia Glossary for all your favourites.)

Does your Reindeer have a phobia?
Dedicated to helping phobic pets
- Help your Reindeers to get through scary events like Christmas and fireworks nights. Site

Christmas Fact 5
In 1752, 11 days were dropped from the year when the switch from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar was made. The December 25, date was effectively moved 11 days backwards. Some Christian church sects, called old calendarists, still celebrate Christmas on January 7 (previously December 25 of the Julian calendar).

The eight reindeer first appeared in American literature in 1823 in the famous poem by Clement Clarke Moore (now in dispute) called "A Visit from St. Nicholas", popularly known as 'Twas the Night Before Christmas". I quote here from the text:

When the poem was initially published, Santa's last two reindeer were called "Dunder and Blixem".  Later publications show the names "Donder and Blitzen".   In a handwritten copy of the poem, written by Moore himself in the year before he died, he calls the reindeer "Donder and Blitzen". 

One hundred and twenty six years after the poem was originally published, the name "Donner" replaced Donder in the public consciousness, with publication of the 1949 song, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, written by Johnny Marks, and sung by Gene Autry, in which they mistakenly misnamed poor ol' Donder in the opening stanza.
(Note: "Donder" is Thunder and "Blitzen" is Lightning in German.) Site

Christmas Fact 6
In Greek legend, malicious creatures called Kallikantzaroi (also spelled Kallikantzari) sometimes play troublesome pranks at Christmas time. According to the legend, to get rid of them, you should burn either salt or an old shoe. Apparently the stench of the burning shoe (or salt) drives off the Kallikantzaroi. Other effective methods include hanging a pig's jawbone by the door and keeping a large fire so they can't sneak down the chimney.

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:       All Employees

RE:        STAFF CHRISTMAS PARTY

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:       All Employees

RE:         Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:      All Employees

RE:        Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
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FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:     All Employees

RE:        Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? 

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

 Did I miss anything?!?!?

 Patty
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FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:      All F****** Employees

RE:         The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

 The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
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FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
To:     All Employees

RE:    Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
(thanks to Maggie and Chris)
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Christmas Fact 7
In Norway on Christmas Eve, visitors should know that after the family's big dinner and the opening of presents, all the brooms in the house are hidden. The Norwegians long ago believed that witches and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and would steal their brooms for riding.

The Top 5 Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop

5. "Just toss that broken toy in the barrel marked 'Non-Christians.'"
4. "I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his back hair is where I draw the line."
3. "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!"
2. "Hey, *you* try building a Playstation with nothing but antique Victorian woodcarving tools, chubbo!!"
1. "Woo-hoo! C'mon, guys -- it's time to put the finishing touches on the dresses for the Monica Lewinsky dolls!!"
(thanks to Chris White)

Christmas Fact 8
Jesus Christ, son of Mary, was born in a cave, not in a wooden stable. Caves were used to keep animals because of the intense heat of the climate. The carpenters of Jesus' day were really stone cutters. Wood was not used as widely as it is today. So whenever you see a Christmas nativity scene with a wooden stable -- that's the "American" version, not the Biblical one.

Christmas Present for Australians

1234 DON'T! 1223 DO!

For anyone contemplating using the Sensis directory service number, 1234, DON'T!

Sensis, as you may or may not know, is a subsidiary of Telstra. The 1234 number is replacing the Telstra 12456 directory assistance number, but this time with outrageous costs attached: 40c to call the number, then 4c SECOND! With this sort of pricing structure in place, it's no wonder so many Australians hold Telstra in the same regard as the major banks.

By law, Telstra have to provide a FREE directory assistance number, because they are still majority owned by the government. They choose however not to pass this number on to the public.

What's the free number? 1223.

Thumbs up to Telstra for finding a way to charge for a service that is supposed to be provided for free. Of course, feel free to forward this on.

Ben Hardwick
Lawyer Commercial Litigation Department
Slater & Gordon
GPO Box 4864VV
Melbourne, Vic, 3001
(thanks to Joe Creighton)

Christmas Fact 9
La Befana, a kindly witch, rides a broomstick down the chimney to deliver toys into the stockings of Italian children. The legends say that Befana was sweeping her floors when the three Wise Men stopped and asked her to come to see the Baby Jesus. "No," she said, "I am too busy." (ie. shaddap-a you . . . . etc etc.) Later, she changed her mind but it was too late. So, to this day, she goes out on Christmas Eve searching for the Holy Child, leaving gifts for the "holy child" in each household.

Santa Letter Generator

Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do the heavy lifting for you!

Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas] [Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer of Children's Souls],

This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic] [passive aggressive][manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little...... [boy] [girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon]. I have...... [not] [sometimes] [compulsively] ...... [lied] [cheated] [embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always] [often] [rarely] [never] helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma]
[grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I care] and so I deserve lots of...... [love] [presents] [blank checks] [age-inappropriate pants] this year! (lots more) Site

Christmas Fact 10
Long before it was used as a "kiss encourager" during the Christmas season, mistletoe had long been considered to have magic powers by Celtic and Teutonic peoples. It was said to have the ability to heal wounds and increase fertility. Celts hung mistletoe in their homes in order to bring themselves good luck and ward off evil spirits. It was once revered by the early Britons and was so sacred that it had to be cut with a golden sickle.
(Note: The mistletoe was free, but the golden sickle cost $399.95.)

ANIMATED CHRISTMAS JIGSAW PUZZLE
An online puzzle that moves while you assemble it. (Note: Like Ikea furniture.) Site

Christmas Fact 11
One notable medieval English Christmas celebration featured a giant 165-pound pie. The giant pie was nine feet in diameter. Its ingredients included 2 bushels of flour, 20 pounds of butter, 4 geese, 2 rabbits, 4 wild ducks, 2 woodcocks, 6 snipes, 4 partridges, 2 newts' tongues, 2 curlews, 6 pigeons, and 7 blackbirds.

Santa's Flight Exam

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff." (boom boom! literally!)

Christmas Fact 12
The reindeer probably came from stories of the Norse God Woden who rode through the sky with reindeer and 42 ghostly huntsmen.

SOME CHRISTMAS SUPERSTITIONS

On Christmas Eve, a girl should walk backwards to the hen house and tap sharply on the outstide: if a hen cackles, she will not be wed that year, but if a cock replies, her luck is in. (Note: In other words, if she gets lucky, a cock will be in. boom boom!) As a last resort, the girl seeking news of her lover-to-be should go into the garden, pick twelve sage leaves and scatter them to the winds. As she does so a shadowy figure of a man will present itself to her. Holly and mistletoe are also guardians against Evil, although it is bad luck to keep them up after Twelfth Night - January 6 - which coincided with date of the Old Christmas Day. Evergreens should not just be thrown out of doors but carefully burnt or a death with occur in the family. It is believed to be unlucky to carry anything out of the house on a Christmas morning before something has been brought in. Finally, when you are all settled around the roaring fire, take a careful look at the shadows flickering on the walls. Any that appear without heads belong to people who will die during the coming twelve months.

Christmas Fact 13

The Origin of the Retail Madness

During World War II it was necessary for Americans to mail Christmas gifts early for the troops in Europe to receive them in time. Merchants joined in the effort to remind the public to shop and mail early and the protracted shopping season was born. Since those days, retail merchants have been hard at work to escalate our retail observances this time of year. Accordingly, we shop longer and buy more than ever before. They have taken the gift motif from Saint Nicholas' Day and Epiphany and have used the combination to supplant the meaning of Christmas. They have instituted a secular sacrament of shopping, which pays no attention at all to the arrival of the Giver who gave His all. They call it a season for giving, and with that laudable slogan have lured us into a time of great expectations, huge let-downs, and lascivious acquisitiveness. Instead of celebrating the arrival of our salvation, we jump with glee and clap our hands at the arrival of the UPS truck! Truly, we have a form of giving, but not the spirit thereof. (thanks to Ken Collins)

FROM: MR RU DOLF REIGN DEIR II
NORTH POLE CITY
NORTH POLE.

THIS IS CONFIDENTIAL.

MY DEAR CHRISTMAS CHILD

IT IS MY PLEASURE TO WRITE TO YOU WITH MUCH CONSIDERATION, l AM MR RU DOLF REIGN DEIR II , THE OFFSRPING OF LATE MR RU DOLF REIGN DEIR I. MY FATHER OWNS A LIMITED LIABILITY COMPANIES IN NORTH POLE, MY COUNTRY. MY FATHER IS ALSO A CHIEF DEIR IN NORTH POLE, HE IS THE HIGHEST PRODUCER OF ANTLER MULCH AND DEIR DUNG COMPOST PRODUCT, BECAUSE OF THIS PROPERTIES, HIS BAD EX MOTHER-IN-LAW DEIR FAMILY PUT RED NOSE GROWTH CURSE ON MY FATHER, INCLUDING SOME OTHER JEALOUS REIGN DEIR, IN THE COUNTRY, SO MY LATE FATHER DECEIDED TO HAVE A FOREIGN BUSINESS PARTNER WHO CAN ASSIST HIM TO INVEST IN ANY LUCRATIVE BUSINESS IN YOUR COUNTRY ABROAD.

MY LATE FATHER HAVE ANTLER MULCH AND DEIR DUNG COMPOST PRODUCT COMPANY AND HE IS A CHIEF DEIR, BUT BECAUSE OF RAPID RED NOSE GROWTH , AND HE WANTED TO INVEST HIS MONEY IN FOREIGN COUNTRY BECAUSE OF ME AND MY SISTER DIER, SKANKY HO DOLF DEIR. IT WAS LIKE MY FATHER KNEW HE WAS GOING TO DIE FROM RED NOSE GROWTH, MAY HIS GENTLE SOUL REST IN PREFECT PEACE. HE DISCLOSED TO ME THAT HE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF $26,000,000,00 NORTH POLE XMAS PRESENT CREDITS (TWENTY THREE DOLLARS US) IN A DEIR BANK TO A NEAR BY COUNTRY. THAT THE CREDITS WAS MADE FROM HIS ANTLER MULCH AND DEIR DUNG COMPOST PRODUCT COMPANIES.

MY LATE OLDER BROTHER GAN DOLF HOBBET DEIR HAD A SLED ACCIDENT WITH MY EX-MOTHER-IN-LAW, GREAT WIDEARSE FAT BITSCH DOLF DEIR, BUT BROTHER DEIR DIED FROM RINGWORM COMLICATION (boom boom!) AFTER TWO MONTH LATER IN A PRIVATE HOSPITAL IN MY COUNTRY. MY FATHER, BEFORE HE PASSED AWAY, DISCIDED TO HAND OVER TO ME SOME DOCUMENTS OF PROVES OF THE DEPOSITED MONEY IN THE BANK. AND ADVISED ME TO SEEK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUST WORTHY FOREIGN BUSINESS PARTNER FOR OUR LIFE TIME INVESTMENT, THAT IS WHY I DISCIDED TO CONTACT YOU. NOW I AM IN NORTH POLE CITY AND HAVE SUCCEEDED IN LOCATING THE BANK HERE. AND I HAVE DISCUESSED WITH THE DIRECTOR OF THE BANK AND HE SAID THAT I HAVE TO RE-ACTIVATE THE ACCOUNT BEFORE THE CREDITS WILL BE TRANSFERRED. AND HE ALSO INFORM ME THAT MY LATE FATHER RU DOLF DEIR THE FIRST HAVE AN AGREEMENT WITH THEM THAT THE CREDITS MUST BE TRANSFERED FOR INVESTMENT IN A FOREIGN ACCOUNT BEFORE WITHDRAWAL. AND ALSO WE HAVE TO FIND PERSON (NOT ELF, SORRY) WITH A FOREIGN ACCOUNT FOR THE TRANSFER.

NOW I AM SOLICITTING FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO FOLLOW UP THIS TRANSFER SO THAT AFTER THIS CREDITS IS BEEN TRANSFER INTO YOUR ACCOUNT WE SHALL BE COMING OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO COUNTINUE OUR HIGHER DEIR EDUCATION (FLIGHT ABOVE 28,000 FEET) WHILE YOU HELP US TAKE CARE OF THE INVESTMENT UNTILL WE GRADUATE FROM HIGHER DEIR FLIGHT COLLEGE. PLEASE IF YOU WILL HELP US, AS WE ARE ORPHANS THEN KINDLY GIVE US YOUR FULL INTEREST AND PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING DETAILS SO THAT WE SHALL GO AND SUBMITE YOUR NAME TO THE BANK AS OUR LATE FATHER'S BUSINESS PARTNER.

1) YOUR REAL NAME AND YOUR FULL ADDRESS.
2) YOUR PHONE AND FAX UNMBER.
3) NOT ELF.
4) WHETHER VEGETARIAN. (IMPORTANT!)
5) MUST HAVE SLED.

MAENWHILE BY RECIEVEING THESE DETAILS FROM YOU I WILL GO TO THE BANK AND SUBMITE IT TO THE BANK AND INTRODUCE YOU TO THE BANK AS MY LATE FATHER'S BUSINESS PARTNER. SO THAT YOU WILL CONTACT THE BANK AN INTRUCT THEM TO TRANSFER THE CREDITS INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, SO THAT WE CAN INVEST THE CREDITS IN ANY LUCRATIVE BUSINESS IN YOUR COUNTRY (EXCEPT, OF COURSE, DEIR HUNTING AND ANTLERHORN FURNITURE) BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY HOPE WE HAVE IN LIFE AND THE ONLY LEGACY LEFT TO US BY OUR LATE PARENTS, WE PROMISED TO GIVE YOU 20% OF THE TOTAL SUM FOR YOUR KIND ASSISTANCE DURING THE COURSE OF THIS TRANSFER.

I AM WAITING ANXIOUSLY TO HEAR FROM YOU SO THAT WE CAN DISCUSS THE MODALITIES OF THIS TRANSACTION, THANKS FOR YOUR KIND ASSISTANCE

MERRY CHRISTMAS

MR RU DOLF REIGN DEIR II
(ON BEHOOF MY SISTER SKANKY HO DOLF DEIR)

N/B: AND PLEASE TRY AND NEGOCIATE FOR US SOME PROFITABLE BLUE CHIP INVESMENTS OPPORTUNITIES WHICH IS RISK FREE WHICH WE CAN INVEST WITH THIS CREDITS WHEN IT IS TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT AND YOU WILL BE OUR GUARDIAN. WE ARE INTERSTED IN SLED MANAGEMENT/NAVIGATION AND ANTLER MULCH BUSINESS JUST AS OUR LATE FATHER MADE MENTION BEFORE HIS DEATH. PLAESE ADVISE US. AND PROMISE US TO BE OUR PARENTS CONSIDERING OUR SITUATION AND NOT TO BETRAY ME AND MY YOUNGER SISTER DEIR.

(P.S. SEND PICTURE OF SLED. boom boom!)

Christmas Fact 14
"Silent Night" was written in 1818, by an Austrian priest Joseph Mohr. He was told the day before Christmas that the church organ was broken and would not be prepared in time for Christmas Eve. He was saddened by this and could not think of Christmas without music, so he wanted to write a carol that could be sung by choir to guitar music. He sat down and wrote three stanzas. Later that night the people in the little Austrian Church sang "Stille Nacht" for the first time.

The Top 5 Reindeer Games

5. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
3. Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
2. The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
1. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass

Christmas Fact 15
The "Twelve Days of Christmas" was originally written to help Catholic children, in England, remember different articles of faith during the persecution by Protestant Monarchs. The "true love" represented God, and the gifts all different ideas:

The "Partridge in a pear tree" was Christ.
2 Turtle Doves = The Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens = Faith, Hope and Charity-- the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds = the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings = The first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which relays the history of man's fall from grace.
6 Geese A-laying = the six days of Creation
7 Swans A-swimming = the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
8 Maids A-milking = the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing = the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
10 Lords A-leaping = the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping = the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming = the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed
(Note: Make sure you check out my recording of 'The 12 Days of an Italian Christmas' on the Santa Joseph Website)

HEALTH

On New Year's Resolutions
Paul Beson
Senior Therapist
The Gawler Foundation

"Generally speaking, the first obstacle encountered as we begin the healing journey is ourselves. For although we may really want to be healed - want to have a healthy, loving and balanced life, the actual doing of it is another matter. For our willpower often struggles with our 'won't power' ie. our resistance in the form of laziness, fear, uncertainty and self-doubt. The healing journey asks that we make a commitment, not to anyone or anything else, but to ourselves. As we proceed all that keeps us from being healed will arise and we can realistically anticipate resistance in the form of attachments to old ways: old physical, mental and emotional habits. For every reason to move forward, there is an excuse waiting around the corner ready to pull us back. It takes commitment, a real willingness not to give in to these old habits but to keep 'working' and growing with patience and perseverance. And it is 'work': it does demand effort and time, and there is no magic cure or way that it will happen without our conscious involvement. But the motivation has to come from within us, from a place of honestly wanting to heal. This motivation often comes out of a renewed appreciation of life, a newfound passion and a sense of self-respect and self-caring. This much has to be our own responsibility. Certainly we can glean support and inspiration from others, but the initial impetus has to come from within.

The 18th century poet, dramatist and philosopher Goethe writes:

'Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation there is always one elemental truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things move to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.'

Many people imagine that commitment involves set teeth (for tenacity), square jaw (for determination), hard fists and contracted muscles (for power). Healing willpower, however, is more sustainable when it is supported by Heartpower - a genuine compassion and love for oneself. Heartpower brings the softer qualities of nurturing, respect and caring into the healing journey. Often disease comes as a reminder to treat ourselves with more compassion. Tongue in cheek, Oscar Wilde remarked: 'To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." Willpower and Heartpower combined create a potent and sustainable commitment to healing. This brings both head and heart together as a healing partnership."
(from the Summer 2004 Issue of Healthy Living Newsletter) For more on The Gawler Foundation: Site

Christmas Fact 16
The abbreviation of Xmas for Christmas is not irreligious. The first letter of the word Christ in Greek is chi, which is identical to our X. Xmas was originally an ecclesiastical abbreviation that was used in tables and charts.

Fractured Christmas Carols
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.

Overheard:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly.
We three kings of porridge and tar.
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me.
He's making a list, chicken and rice.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say.
Sleep in heavenly peas.
You'll go down in Listerine.
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay.
O come, froggy faithful.
(Thanks to Mary Campbell)

Christmas Fact 17
The northern European custom of the candlelit Christmas tree is derived from the belief that it sheltered woodland spirits when other trees lost their leaves during winter.

DO THEY KNOW ITS CHRISTMAS?

Sweat, Fear and Resignation Amid All the Toys
By Abigail Goldman

Across Guangdong province, on the northeast outskirts of the Guangzhou city limits, Li Xiao Hong helps churn out toys at one of Mattel's best-regarded contractor factories. Vendor No. 5, as it's known, boasts dorms with TV rooms, a library, sports facilities, classrooms - even karaoke machines to help Li and her co-workers unwind after a long stint on the factory floor. Still, conditions are far from ideal. The plant's work areas are so poorly lighted that they seem permanently shrouded in gray. A strong smell of solvent wafts across the facility as rows of workers hunch over pedal- operated sewing machines and gluepots. Li is the fastest worker on a long, U-shaped assembly line of about 130 women who put together Mini Touch 'n Crawl Minnie, a scampering version of the Disney character activated by a baby's nudge. Li moves with lightning speed - gluing the pink bottom, screwing it into place, getting the rest of the casing to adhere, tamping it down with a special hammer, pulling the battery cover through its slats, soldering where she glued, testing to make sure the leg joints on the other side still work, then sending it down the line. The entire process takes 21 seconds. She generally works 5 1/2 days a week, up to 10 hours at a time. Her monthly wage - about $65 - is typical for this part of China, enough for Li to send money back home to her poor farming family in Henan province and to afford a computer class in town. But Li pays a heavy price: Her hands ache terribly, and she is always exhausted - a situation to which the 20-year-old seems resigned. "People at my age should expect some hardship," said Li, clad in bluejeans and a pink factory blouse, which she left unbuttoned to reveala white T-shirt emblazoned with the silhouette of Mickey Mouse. "I should taste bitterness while I'm young." Besides, many here apparently have it worse. Site

Christmas Fact 18
At lavish Christmas feasts in the Middle Ages, swans and peacocks were sometimes served "endored." This meant the flesh was painted with saffron dissolved in melted butter. In addition to their painted flesh, endored birds were served wrapped in their own skin and feathers, which had been removed and set aside prior to roasting. In Tudor times, an infusion of saffron beaten with egg yolk was used to endore roast meats served at banquets: try it yourself when roasting a chicken.

One of the more fanciful and imaginative dishes of the Middle Ages was the cockentrice, made by combining a pig and a capon into one creature, thus creating a "new" animal that would not only feed hungry folk but amuse and amaze them as well. "Cockentrice" is actually just one among many spellings of the name of this dish; originally the beast was also known as a cokagrys or cotagres, from "cock" (a capon) and "grys" (a pig); a "gryse" was a suckling pig. Other period spellings include koketris, cocagres, cokyntryche, cockyntryce, and cokantrice. Cockentrice were common entries at great dinners, and a cokyntryche is listed among the many feast items at a festival given by John Stafford, Bishop of Bath & Wells, on September 16, 1425.

Cokentrice. Capitulum dclxvi.--Nym a fayre cokentrice, and lat hit be not olde, els it wil be somdel toghe and uvel for to ete. Haue care in the catchyng of the beest to auert thyn eyen, for if thu dost not, thu mayst be astonied in sothe. Whan that thu hast thi cokentrice, fle him of his skyn and federes, and make hem clene: then draw the whyte & the yolkes of eyren, and cast ther-to, and suette of a schepe, and saffron, & sal, and poudre of gyngeure, and grated brede; and medle all to-gedere with thyn honde, and putte it in the cokentrice, and putt it on a spite, and roste hem; and, if thu wilt, dress him in the self skyn, and if thu wilt not, endore hem with yolkes of eyren, and poudre of gyngeuere, and saffron, and endore hem all abowte in euery perty of hym."

Translation:
Cockentrice - Scald a capon (then drain) it clean, and cut it in half at the waist, and scald a pig, and drain it, and cut it in the same manner; then sew the front part of the capon to the back part of the pig; and the front part of the pig to the back part of the capon; then take slightly beaten eggs, sheep suet, saffron, salt, ginger, and grated bread, and mix all together with your hands, and put it in the cockentrice, and put it on a spit, and roast it; and endore it with egg yolks, ginger, saffron, and parsley or mallows juice, and let it be clean and gilded all over. Site

Tart de Ffruyte
A salmon & fruit pie (15th c.)

Take figs, and boil them in wine, and grind them small, and put into a vessel; and take pepper, cinnamon, cloves, mace, ginger, pine nuts, raisins, saffron, & salt, and add; and then make fine shallow pie shells, and put this stuff therein, and plant pine nuts on top; and cut dates and fesh salmon in nice pieces, or else fresh eels, and parboil it in a little wine, and place on top of the filling; and place on top of the pie shells a lid made of the same pastry, and endore the pie shells on the outside with saffron & almond milk; and set them in the oven and let bake.

ENDORED ROAST SUCKLING PIG

ENDORED STUFFED ROAST GOOSE

ALOSED BEEF (14 C)

Pomme Dorres (meatballs! 15th century)
(plates of little endored golden 'apples' with real apple leaves)
POMMES DORRES 1`
POMMES DORRES 2

ENDORED MANCHET BREAD (England, 14th Century)

Tarte of Preserved Stuffe, Tarte of Wardens, Tarte of Eare of Veale, Tarte of Strawberles Sites