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Friday December 18th, 2009

Weapons of Xmas Destruction

‘Read, everyday, something no one else is reading.
Think, every day, something no one else is thinking.
Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do.
It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.’
St. Christopher Morley

 

Merry Chirstmas,

I like this odd spelling. I saw it last year on a Brumby's Bakery in Caufield, the jewish quarter of Melbourne. Here's a photo; proof that it wasn't merely a typo. The author demonstrates a calm consistancy. Nine times.

By the way, the Brumby's around the corner from our house in Carlton just closed its doors. Maybe they ought to lift their game a little with their educational requirements.

I'd like to thank all my readers for their Christmas issue contributions. Due to the graphic nature of this one, it isn't possible to give credit where credit it due without making a mess so let me thank you now. You know that I appreciate your help.

This is my Xmas Card to you for 2009. (X marks the spot.) I hope you get your two front teeth, that bike you always wanted, a talking parrot and a patch for your bad eye. Please take a few moments of silence to remember all those less fortunate than you. Now take a second to remember all those more fortunate than you. (hey, we never do that.) In this way you can feel blessed to have more and fucked to have less at the same time.

Here is a very rare piece of footage of a live performance of 'The 12 Days of Christmas - Italian Style' from my long deleted album 'Christmas in Australia.' It is the most requested of all the turkeys on that fondly remembered piece of vinyl roadkill and I only listen to it at Christmas - but, guiltily, still enjoy it. It has an incredible string quartet arrangement by Chris Dedrick. in front of an equally insane audience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdnJo8-rC4o

My grandkids gave me a list of presents they wanted this year and it included some of their favourite bands.

Blessed by a Broken Heart
It Dies Today
Murderdolls
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
The Used
To Be Juliet’s Secret
Dot Dot Curve :)
 - which technically should be Colon Curve but that would have an obvious downside double-meaning. (Or should that be backside?)

My personal band name favourite was:

Preschool Tea Party Massacre

That'll teach those little brats to cut their tealeaves with sand.

 

THE LAUGHING BABIES PERFORMING CHILDREN SECTION

Laughing Babie No. 1

Laughing Babie No. 2

5 Babies Laughing

Say Fire Truck

Ass Kicking

Michael Jackson's "Thriller"

I'm Yours (ukulele)

Hey Jude

FAVOURITE LETTERS TO SANTA DON GIUSEPPE

Hello Santa Don Giuseppe,
I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you give my radio audience this time of year with ‘The 12 Italian days of Xmas.’ Everyone calls and wants to know where they can buy it. Can I send them to your site ?
Buon natale ! Don Giovanni
http://www.giovannishow.com

(Note: Don Giovanni, thank you for your respect, from one don to another. May your first child be a feminine one. This year, I am offering 'The 12 Days of Christmas' as a free download on my MySpace page. Bone Natalie to your wife, Natalie, from me, Don 'Reindeer Leg' Giuseppe.)

Hi Santa Don Giuseppe,
I know it's wrong to kick a man when he's down, but a topical Christmas pun don't come along every day.... What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three Ho's. Merry Christmas! Little Justine Stewart

(Note: Dear Little Justine, your letter reminds ol' Santa Don Giuseppe of his favourite Steel Panther lyric:

"When I was only three,
My momma said to me,
Don’t go out with a skanky ho
Or you’re gonna get VD.
When I was seventeen,
I boned a kooky bitch
A couple of days later, my balls swelled up,
And my crotch began to itch."

Barbie's Letter to Don Santa Giuseppe

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Don Santa Giuseppe, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Don Santa Giuseppe.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man.... maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Don Santa Giuseppe, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Ken's Letter to Don Santa Giuseppe

Dear Don Santa Giuseppe,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment- the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered: "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations- we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having GI Joe- he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

The Christmas Fairy
 
I am a little fairy
On tap o’ the Christmas Tree
It’s no a joab a fancy
Weel how wid yi like tae be me
 
Aw tarted up with tinsel
It’s enough to mak’ ye boak
An’ a couple o’ jaggy branches
Rammed up th’ back o’ ma froak
 
Wi’ thur wee lichts aw roon me
I cannae get nae sleep
An’ there’s the yearly visit
Frae Santa – the Big Fat Creep
 
On Christmas Day am stuck up here
While you’re aw wiring in
An’ naebody says “Hey you up there
Could ye go a slug o’ gin”?
 
It’s nae joke bein’ a fairy
The joab’s beyond belief
To go roon aw the weans’s beds
An’ lift their rotten teeth
 
But o’ aw the joabs a fairy gets
An’ I’ve mentioned only some
The very worst is up a tree
Wi’ pine needles up yur bum
 
When aw the fairies meet again
By the licht o’ the silvery moon
Ye can tell the Christmas Fairies
They’re the wans that cannae sit doon
 
The Christmas tree’s a bonnie sicht
As the firelight softly flickers
But think o’ me am stuck up here
Wi’ needles in my knickers
 
So soon as Christmas time’s right by
An I stoap bein’ sae fu’ o’ cheer
I’ll get awa back tae Fairyland
An’ I’ll see yoos a’ next year
 
~ anon-unknown ~

 

THE DARK SIDE OF THE FROST

The Lawson Family Massacre

Charlie Lawson, a 43-year-old tobacco farmer, killed his wife, six of his seven children and then committed suicide on Christmas Day 1929 in Stokes County, North Carolina.

The Squires Inn Bed & Breakfast is said to be haunted by members of the Lawson family. The owners claim they have seen seven year old Maybell and two year old Raymond Lawson peering into windows of the front door and have been heard talking, laughing and playing inside and outside of the house.

At least five songs have been written about the tragedy, including:
"The Story of the Lawson Family,"
"Ballad of the Lawsons,"
"Murder of the Lawson Family,"
"The Murder of Charlie Lawson"
"Charlie Lawson's Still"

There is a documentary out called A Christmas Family Tragedy.

 

Death at Christmas


No matter how bad your holiday is, rest assured that it could have been far worse.

1. Family Discord.
Home was definitely not the place to be for the family of R. Gene Simmons of Dover, Arkansas in 1987. The clan was rapidly becoming estranged from the family patriarch. Even his favorite daughter, who had borne him a son, had run off and gotten married. It was time for revenge. As each contingent showed up at the dilapidated family mobile home to try to put a happy face on for the holiday, Simmons shot the adults and strangled the children. By Christmas Day, he'd wiped out almost three generations of Simmons, 14 all told. It was the worst family slaughter in American history.

But wait — he wasn't done yet! For an encore a few days later, he went on a shooting rampage through a few former places of employment. He killed two people and injured four more before surrendering to police. He later became the first man executed by lethal injection in Arkansas.

2.The Season of Not Giving.
The holiday-fueled impulse to eradicate one's family isn't limited to the dysfunctional trailer park crowd. H. Sanford Williams was eminently respectable, having been an Army Chaplin, a Methodist Pastor, and finally the head of a charity, the National Retirement Foundation. Alas, the season of sharing had been a bust donation-wise and his foundation was in serious trouble. On Christmas Eve in 1957, the St. Petersburg, Florida man shot and killed his wife and two sons before turning the gun on himself.

3. Xmas Pageant Inferno.
It was the climax of the 1924 Christmas Eve pageant at the Babb's Switch, Oklahoma one-room schoolhouse. The last recitation had ended, the last carol faded. Now Santa himself was handing out bags of candy to all the children. But oh no! Santa brushed against the candle-lit tree. Within minutes, the room was a seething inferno, with 200 men, women, and children trying to force their way out the only exit: a door that opened inward. Thirty-four people died. But thanks to the heroic efforts of Santa and the schoolteacher (both of whom were themselves incinerated), only five children were among the dead.

4. The Deadly Christmas tree.
The substitution of incandescent lights for candles didn't eliminate the tendency of Christmas trees to turn into pyrotechnic yule logs. One of the deadliest of these modern-day holiday firebombs was Niles Street Hospital's 1945 tree. When a nurse unplugged the tree lights on Christmas Eve in the Hartford, Connecticut convalescent hospital, a spark ignited the dry needles. She grabbed a fire extinguisher, but panicked at the sight of the roaring flames and fled. Not only did she not even bother to call the fire department (neighbors, woken by the crackling flames, summoned them several minutes later), she left the front door open to properly ventilate the blaze. The building was completely gutted, and 15 patients and two staff died.

5. The Lethal Midnight Mass.
Christmas Eve midnight mass in Temoaya, Mexico in 1953 had just finished. Three thousand worshippers were peacefully filing out when someone tripped over the wrong wire. There was a bright blue flash, and then total darkness. All sense of peace and goodwill toward men vanished as the crowd transformed into a panic-stricken mob stampeding from the sanctuary. By the time the lights came on a few minutes later, 23 people were dead and over 200 injured.

 

CHRISTMAS IN JAIL – AIN’T THAT A PAIN

The blues come fallin', they fall like drops of rain
The blues come fallin', they fall like drops of rain
I've got to spend my Christmas locked up in jail again
In jail on Christmas day again, ain't that a pain!
Oh baby, baby, baby, ain't that a pain!

Oh Santa, Santa, Santa, come here to me in jail
Oh Santa, Santa, Santa, come here to me in jail
Bring me a Christmas present, someone to go my bail
Jail on Christmas day, again ain't that a pain!
Oh baby, baby, baby, ain't that a pain!

This food here, Santa, it ain't fit to eat
This food here. Santa, it ain't fit to eat
Won't you come and bring me a plate of turkey meat?
In jail on Christmas day again, ain't that a pain!
Oh baby, baby, baby, ain't that a pain!

The jailhouse blues have got me, they've got the best of me
The jailhouse blues have got me, they've got the best of me
My baby doesn't love me, I got no Christmas tree
In jail on Christmas day again, ain't that a pain!
Oh baby, baby, baby, ain't that a pain!

~ Leroy Carr ~
August 13, 1929

http://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Jail-Aint-That-Pain/dp/B000QNDLUW

 

Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs
By Head Elf (boom boom) Alex Smith


The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you.

Red Pencil: Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice
cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a
suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau
check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be
prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O ' er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

Red Pencil: A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe
for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also
consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,
particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note,
permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To
avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request
that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise
nuisance.


While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

Red Pencil: The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and
orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due
to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should
watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd
observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her
glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued
with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and
the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

Red Pencil: You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer
from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full
investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on
full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

Red Pencil: The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that
a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many
rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that
due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph
are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne
particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as 'height-challenged' or Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his physical stature or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Red Pencil: Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ' cash for gold '
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in
the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in
order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or
satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice
regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA
for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require
regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also
advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

 

Away in a Manger

Red Pencil: No Crib for a bed  -   This is definitely one for Social services.

 

 

CHRISTMAS GHOST

Christmas day, stuck in the seventies
Play all day with your Scalectrics
Oh my god, I got a tomahawk
How sweet life can be

No X-Box and no computers
We just used our imagination
A leather football was perfection
What more could you want?

Sleep through the Queen’s speech
‘Cause it means nothing to me
Zulu’s on, the Milk Tray’s out
So it must be love

The ghost of Christmas has come
The ghost of Christmas has come

Hot Wheels on the dinner table
Too much sherry with mom unstable
She’s acting like Evil Knievel
Oh yes, I am blessed

Drink some sparkling wine
Watch Morecambe and Wise
Christmas Top of the Pops
Thank God, the world has stopped

The ghost of Christmas has come
The ghost of Christmas has come
The ghost of Christmas has come
The ghost of Christmas has come

~ MANIC STREET PREACHERS ~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wov_EzUTb8k

 

 

~ DOLCES FROM AROUND THE WORLD ~

SANTA DOLCE

Santa Maria Dolce

Jacksonville, Florida
Facebook Friend
http://www.facebook.com/people/Santa-Maria-Dolce/1673677977

 

THE ANIMALS CHRISTMAS SONG

http://video.telegraph.co.uk/services/player/bcpid1348426473?bctid=5524339001

Christmas is Pain
by Roy Zimmerman

There's a turkey a gobblin' out in the yard
Now he's gutted and stuffed and he's basted and charred
And your father is whistlin' and washin' the blood down the drain
Christmas is pain

There's a crowd on the hillside with hatchets and saws
With a keen disregard for the forestry laws
And they happily hum while the stumps slowly bleed in the rain
Christmas is pain

And the stockings are hung by the chimney with care
As if anyone in their right mind would hang 'em there
And some tired old crooner is croakin' out carols again
Christmas is pain

And you wait for an hour to see Santa Claus
And he's covered with velveteen, bourbon and gauze
And he pinches your mother and she can't find the words to explain
Christmas is pain

And the hungry are hungering on Hunger Street
While the people on Plenty Street . . . eat
And you punctured the roof of your mouth on a sharp candy cane
Christmas is pain

And all the good cheer is just Madison Ave..news
And all the best Christmas songs were written by Jews
And the eight tiny reindeer have left an embarrassing stain
Christmas is pain

And two-thirds of the world doesn't give half a damn
And the rest are all bloated on marshmallowed yams
And if Jesus was here, he'd be sent to the back of the train
Christmas is pain

And they double the price of whatever you need
Singin', "I pledge allegiance to corporate greed"
And you're forced to spend several hours conversing with your old Aunt Lorraine
who's insane
with a brain on a plane to Spain
where the main stays rainly in the flat terrain
Christmas is pain