JOE DOLCE NEWSLETTER

Home, CV, Press, Recordings, Newsletter Archive, Recipes, Contact

Friday December 19th, 2008

C R I S T E S M A E S S E

"The good writing of any age has always been the product of
someone's neurosis, and we'd have a mighty dull literature if all
the writers that came along were a bunch of happy chuckleheads."
William Styron

Cherry Cristes Maesse, to all my fellow Newsletter Workshop Elves and Helpers!

This is my Annual End-of-Year Sale Issue!

All jokes, news, letters from readers and recipes half-price while they last! No ordering or payment necessary.

The newsletter is now taking a little holidaze BREAK while I complete my internal Court Appointed Community Service.

The photo above is of yours truly as a young child, in the 50s, surrounded by Cristes Maesse presents, holding my very first musical instrument: a little field drum. A few weeks later, my father kicked a hole in it because I was playing it too loud. (Can we have a boom boom one time?)

In the late 60s, when I was nineteen years old, I made a 9-string electric guitar away at college (by adding three strings to a regular 6-string.) While visiting home for Cristes Maesse I was upstairs in my room playing my 9-string (unamplified) when I heard my father thundering up the stairs. He grabbed my home-made guitar and deftly broke it over his knee. I had apparently woken him up from a deep sleep.

I think it was from this point I began to be attracted to bands like ‘The Who’ and ‘The Jimi Hendrix Experience’: groups that smashed instruments on stage.

My name is Joe Dolce and I am an Musical Instrument Abuser.

I gotta no respect.

I have broken guitars and mandolins, and even set harmonicas on fire. I once cut a burning harmonica in half with a chainsaw in front of a million dollar Ned Kelly exhibit at the Old Melbourne Gaol. (Barrister Julian Burnside and Ned’s first illegitimate great-grandnephew, Paul, will testify to this.)

I am still unable to hit a pick guard accurately when strumming my guitar. I always gouge the friggin’ wood.

They say that abuse in an adult stems from abuse in the family as a child. I have sincerely tried to repress my destructive musical nature, by singing Barry Manilow songs when I can, and watching Baz Lurhmann films and Australian Idol, but the damaged child within wants to spit on the screen, and strangle Barry Manilow with a pair of those large women’s underwear that his blue-rinse fans throw at him.

That’s not right.

As part of my internal Court Appointed therapy, I am required to put out this newletter. This is the sixth annual holidaze issue! Down below, I have reproduced my favourite sections from each of the previous years Cristes Maesse issues, 2003-2007.

So, hop in Santa Joseph’s dysfunctional sled and let me jingle bell you over the hills and dales of your inner terrain for Cristes Maesse 2008!

Origins of Cristes Maesse
The word for Christmas in late Old English is Cristes Maesse, the Mass of Christ, first found in 1038, and Cristes-messe, in 1131. In Dutch it is Kerst-misse, in Latin Dies Natalis, whence comes the French Noël, and Italian Il natale; in German Weihnachtsfest, from the preceeding sacred vigil. The term Yule is of disputed origin. It is unconnected with any word meaning "wheel". The name in Anglo-Saxon was geol, feast: geola, the name of a month (cf. Icelandic iol a feast in December).

FAVOURITE LETTERS TO SANTA JOSEPH OF THE WEEK

Dear Santa Joseph,
 I think this is the coolest Cristes Maesse idea ever and kind of relevant given that a guy just got TRAMPLED to death by Cristes Maesse shoppers.....
Hope you like it / think it's worth passing on, Merry Cristes Maesse! Elf Justine Stewart, Santa’s Workshop, Barry Manilow Underwear Division
Advent Conspiracy Promo Video
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVqqj1v-ZBU

Dear Santa Joseph,
Merry Cristes Maesse! Many thanks for your kind words, encouragement and support in 2008. All the best for the New Year.
Here's a Chrissie gift for you. Elf Glenn Cardier, Santa’s Workshop, Pig Tails and BBQ Ribs Division
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MlzM1L2sWY

(Note: A Cristes Maesse cracker by Glenn about a brawl that spontaneously erupts at Carols by Candlelight.)

Dear Santa Joseph,
Re: The Coloured Changing Ball!!
aaah! thanks for the tip, joe
... can't stop changing colours now ..best wishes, Elf Andre, Santa’s Workshop, Rubber Duck Division

(Try again,folks!)

 

Dear Santa Joseph,
Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year. I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sh!t on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. Elf Philip Walker, Santa’s Workshop, Legal & Sanity Clause Division

NEWS!!!

Bethlehem Star Gazette
Year 0, Day 1 Tonight’s Weather: Calm and bright. Still Only 2 Shekels



"Stable Boy" Born
Special To The Star – Bethlehem officials refused comment, but 3 men on camels said DYFS took custody of an infant born in a barn. The terrible conditions found are the basis for a hearing on whether the parents are guilty of child abuse. One of the men, Gaspar, identified as a traveling ‘wise guy’ was arrested when police found he had 50 g. of frankincense wrapped as a gift. He is being charged with intent to distribute.
In a related story, a boy, ox and lamb were arrested for disturbing the peace after guests of a nearby inn complained about incessant drumming. Police held the boy and his drum as evidence. The ox and lamb were released after it was determined they were only keeping time. 


Paternity Questioned
The story surrounding "Stable Boy" got more confusing late yesterday when Joseph produced documentation he had undergone a vasectomy 2 years ago and accused his wife of having an affair. Mary, the mother of "Stable Boy", refused to provide any explanation and is now at the Bethlehem Home for Unwed Mothers. 


Inn Keeper Accused of Bias
Bethlehem Housing & Urban Development has accused the manager of the Bethlehem Holiday Inn of discrimination when he told a couple there was no room at the inn. Apparently the woman was pregnant (see related story above) and was with her carpenter husband on the trip to pay their taxes. They even refused to validate the parking of the burro.

 



Two Ways of Looking at The War in Iraq
With Spin
Bush Says 'War Not Over' on Farewell Iraq Visit
Outgoing US President George W. Bush said during a surprise farewell visit to Baghdad on Sunday that the war in Iraq was "not over" but on its way to be won.
http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/world/5213357

Without Spin
Iraqi Reporter Throws Shoes at 'Dog' Bush
http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/world/5213654
(Note: Elf Lempke passes on these comments:
* Bush needs to do some sole searching.
* This is just an Iraqi tradition. It's how they greet their liberators--a sign of affection.
* Perfect metaphor for the Bush years. Shoe first and ask questions later.
* The Iraqi reporter who did this is a shoe-in for Reporter of the Year!
- and more recently:
* We should have 'shooed" Bush out of office long ago. Maybe I should say 'booted' out of office. Next time I hope he is 'socked’.

Peace Activists Take Shoes to White House in Solidarity With Shoe-Throwing Iraqi Journalist
WASHINGTON - December 15 - In solidarity with an Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at George W. Bush at a Baghdad press conference Sunday, peace activists will gather outside the White House with bags of shoes representing Iraqis and U.S. soldiers who have died since the Bush Administration's illegal invasion of Iraq.
http://www.codepinkalert.org/article.php?id=4565

What I’m Reading This Week
CORALINE, by Neil Gaiman. Kids book for adults. About a little girl who goes through a locked door in her house and discovers and parallel house with another set of parents who have buttons for eyes. Creepy.
CAVAFY, the complete poems, translated by Rae Dalven.
AKHENATEN, by Dorothy Porter. Verse novel about the Egyptian pharaoh who became the central figure in the religion of the Sun God. In my opinion, Porter’s most creative work.

What I’m Watching This Week
TRAITOR, with Don Cheadle and Guy Pearce. Exciting terrorist-plot thriller. One of the few recent films that makes a clear distinction between violent and non-violent muslims.
WIRE IN THE BLOOD, Series 4. DVD. Most intelligent and consistently engaging serial killer thrillers out there. Based on characters created by Val McDermid, which teams a university clinical psychologist, Dr. Anthony "Tony" Valentine Hill (Robson Green), with a tough female Detective Inspector, Alex Fielding (Simone Lahbib) from series four onwards. The title of the series originated as a line in T. S. Eliot's poem Burnt Norton, one of the Four Quartets. Several other McDermid novels also use phrases from Eliot, including the story used for first episode of the series. Both that and the first episode of the fourth series take their names from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.
INNOCENCE, a film by Lucile Hadzihalilovic. Winner of the Best Film at the Stockholm Film Festival, an extremely subtle, surreal, controversial and almost voyeuristic coming-of-age film, about a mysterious young girls school hidden in the woods behind a gigantic wall with no door. Reviews of this film are extreme from ‘masterpiece’ to ‘extravaganza of paedophiliac imagery.’ Probably those folks who object to Bill Henson’s photography won’t like this film, even though it was written and directed by a woman.

Pizza in the Piazza

US PIZZA TEAM & ‘PIZZA PIZZA’ AT THE WORLD PIZZA CHAMPIONSHIPS IN ITALY
Brilliant uTube compilation that was put together by Steve Green using my song, ‘Pizza Pizza’. The US Pizza Team have been using ‘Pizza Pizza’ for their theme song. Folks, this is some serious acrobatic pizza twirling!
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=FJaDmbQV_ng

Origins of Cristes Maesse
In England, Cristes Maesse was forbidden by Act of Parliament in 1644; the day was to be a fast and a market day; shops were compelled to be open; plum puddings and mince pies condemned as heathen. The conservatives resisted; at Canterbury blood was shed; but after the Restoration Dissenters continued to call Yuletide "Fooltide".

Laws For The Jewish Cristes Maesse Tree

1. Any species of tree is kosher for use as a xmas tree, provided that it has needles and not leaves. In our lands it is customary to use a fir tree. It should be reasonably fresh, but not too fresh, in accordance with the principle "a xmas tree with no fallen needles is like a sukkah with no buzzing bees."

2. The tree should be chopped down specifically for use as a xmas tree; if it had been cut for lumber it is invalid. If the tree was cut for general decorative purposes, but not specifically as a xmas tree, some authorities allow it while others are strict. A stolen tree is not valid for the mitzvah. Fortunate is one who is able to chop his own tree himself. One who cuts his own tree must make sure that he has permission from the landowner to do so. Ideally, cut only from one's own backyard. a tree taken from a reshus harabim, such as the county park (which is actually a carmelis, not a reshus harabim,) is considered as stolen and invalid. One who is unable to cut his own tree should make sure to purchase it from a reputable dealer, or one who is certified by a national kashrus organization.

3. During the shmitta year, a jew may not cut the tree down, but it should be done by a gentile. However, since the tree is inedible, the problems of "kedushas shviis" which apply to the esrog do not apply to the xmas tree.

4. The tree must be bright green. Bright red, or a mixture of green and red, is also acceptable for a xmas tree, but brown is not. There may be one brown spot near the bottom of the tree, but in the top half of the tree, even one brown spot will invalidate the tree. A truly pious person will make sure to bring along a xmas tree expert when he goes to look for his tree.
Because such trees do not grow red naturally, many sefaradim adorn the tree with red poinsettia flowers. Ashkenazim prefer poinsettas.

5. The required height of the tree is subject to many rules. An indoor tree must be tall enough so that it reaches within 3 handbreadths of the ceiling. An outdoor tree must be at least 20 cubits tall. Where local fire codes prohibit the use of such large trees, a smaller tree - even a bonsai - may be used, provided it has toy people around it who will make it appear tall.

6. The law is "etz ish u'beito" - "one tree for a man and his home". This teaches that individuals must have a xmas tree at their home, and that the main function of the tree is for the benefit of the family, but public places are exempt. If one wishes to place his personal tree in a public location he may do so, but he will not have fulfilled his obligation unless it is truly seen by the public. In this case, "seen by the public" means that the tree is large enough that it is shown on the local tv news reports.

7. In recent years, there has been a great controversy over the use of manufactured trees. In theory, some hold they are invalid, while other authorities hold they are valid. In practice, however, even the lenient opinions hold that artificial trees are too tacky, and thus violate the principle of "hadar". But if one has already met his obligation by displaying at least one kosher xmas tree, he may have additional trees of any kind, natural or not.
based on the verses, "etz chayim hee" ("a tree is alive"), teaching that even if it looks like a tree, it still cannot be a tree unless it was alive at some point, and "etz chayim hee" ("it is a tree of life"), teaching that some trees have life, and others do not necessarily have life.

8. Originally, the law was that the tree must be displayed so that it would be visible to passers-by outside the home. Over the centuries, as persecutions increased, the people inside the home became the main audience. Even so, it should be displayed in a prominent area of the house, to show respect for this mitzvah. When possible, it should preferably be by a window where it could be viewed from the street, to continue the original practice.

9. As with all mitzvos, the tree should be tastefully decorated. Popcorn tastes excellent, and some string popcorn together (with needle and thread) to make long chains which are wrapped around the tree. To remind us of the verse, "we're all connected." (nynex)

10. The main decoration for the tree is strings of colored lights. The circuitry of the lights is arranged with parallel wires, not in serial. A certified electrician should inspect each set of lights.
The numerical value of the word "orot" (lights) is 613, similar to the value of the word "tzitzit". The lights may be of 5 colors (corresponding to the knots in each tzitzit) or of 8 colors (corresponding to the 8 strings in each tzitzit). Where these combinations are unavailable, all the lights must be white. (Some use all white lights, with each eighth light being blue.)
Just as the eight strings of the tzitzis are tied in two parallel groups of four strings to help keep them kosher in the event a string breaks, similarly, arranging the lights in parallel will keep the other lights lit even if one light goes out.

11. Additional lights are set up around the outside of the home, each according to his own ability. The more lights and other decorations one sets up, the more praiseworthy he is.
The minimum which one should strive for is the outline of one window which faces the street, and this is sufficient for apartment dwellers. Those who have a front yard or lawn put all sorts of decorations up, whether lit by lights or not. Some say that if a snowman was built before xmas, and by new year's it still has not melted, it is a sign of blessing for the home for the coming year.

12. The lights must stay lit until most people can be presumed to be in bed or asleep. One may use a timer to turn the lights off each night automatically, but not on shabbos. because of the public nature of the lights, they must stay lit lest anyone think that they were turned off manually, which would be a violation of the holy shabbos.

13. Tree decorations are considered "muktza l'mitzvasa", "set aside for its mitzvah", and may not be used for any personal use until after xmas is over. For example, edible decorations may not be eaten until after xmas. Similarly, since they may not be used for personal use, any decorations which fall from the tree on shabbos or on yom tov may not be replaced until after shabbos or yom tov.

14. If the lights were not put away after xmas, then in the following year each bulb must be removed from the wiring and reattached. But if they were put away properly, then the act of restringing them the following year suffices for the mitzva. It is only where they stayed up all year that the lights must be renewed by removing and reattaching them. If is enough if this is done for the majority of bulbs. The bulb does not need to be totally removed, but it is adequate if the bulb is so loose that the electricity will not flow to it to light it.

(Note on The Festive Meal)

In the evening, after three stars appear in the sky, the family gathers together for the erev xmas meal. There are various opinions as to what is to be eaten at this meal. Only fish is to be eaten at the erev xmas meal. In our lands, the custom is to eat 12 fishes at this meal corresponding to the 12 days of xmas.
When erev xmas is on friday, and the dinner coincides with the first shabbos meal, only gefilte fish may be used.
Even on shabbos, one can easily reach 12 different kinds of gefilte fish: how can we show that four different fishes can make twelve different dishes? Because we ate four different fishes in Egypt, (whitefish, pike, carp, and whitefish-pike,) but we are now able to buy them three different ways. We can buy them ready-to-eat in jars, frozen in loaves, or ground raw at the fish store. Now, it follows that if there were four different species made three different ways, then there are 12 different gefilte fishes. How can we show that each of the twelve fishes is actually eight dishes? Because they can be made with or without salt, with or without sugar, and with or without matzo meal, and there are eight combinations of those three options. Thus, if there are twelve fishes that can be prepared eight ways, then there are a total of 96 dishes! How can we show that each of the twelve fishes is actually sixteen dishes? Because each of the eight recipes can be made either cooked or baked. Thus, if there are twelve fishes that can be prepared sixteen ways, then there are a total of 192 dishes!
(thanks to Akiva Miller and Neve Yerushalayim, students of Yeshivat Ohr Somayach, Jerusalem, Israel, 1976-80.)

Trim the Tree

Part of the Cristes Maesse tradition is a small degree of deforestation, as pines and firs are cut and cleared. What better time to cut and clear the fur forest of you and your partner? If you trust each other -- really, really trust each other -- try doing the job for each other. If there was ever a time to remind her how sensitive that skin is, this is it -- your life is in her hands. When you’re both free of debris, you’ll find oral fixations renewed and enhanced -- without the obligatory throat clearing and teeth-picking afterward.
Top Ten Cristes Maesse Sex Positions
http://au.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_300/375_love_tip.html

Third Annual Aryan Nations Yule Toy Drive

Ho Ho Hitler! Have a look at what our Aryan brothers and sisters are up to these days. They have a ‘countdown clock’ ticking off to the day when Barack Obama is sworn in as president, which they refer to as ‘The Obmination.’ You can take the boy out of the Nazi Party . . . . . .

http://www.aryan-nations.org/index-2.htm

Ye Olde Recipeth 1

A Yorkshire Cristes Maesse-Pye
First make a good Standing Crust, let the Wall and Bottom be very thick, bone a Turkey, a Goose, a Fowl, a Partridge, and a Pigeon, season them all very well, take half an Ounce of Mace, half an Ounce of Nutmegs, a quarter of an Ounce of Cloves, half and Ounce of black Pepper, all beat fine together, two large Spoonfuls of Salt, mix them together. Open the Fowls, then then Goose, and then the Turkey, which must be large; season them all well first, and lay them in the Crust, so as it will look only like a whole Turkey; then have a hare ready cased, and wiped with a clean Cloth. Cut it to Pieces, that is jointed; season it, and lay it as close as you can on one Side; on the other Side Woodcock, more Game, and what Sort of wild Fowl you can get. Season them well, and lay them close; put at least four Pounds of Butter into the Pye, then lay on your Lid, which must be very a very thick one, and let it be well baked. It must have a very hot Oven, and will take at least four Hours. This Pye will take a Bushel of Flour; in this Chapter you will see how to make it. These Pies are ofent sent to London in a Box as Presents; therefore the Walls must be will built."
---The Art of Cookery Made Plain and Easy, Hannah Glasse c. 1747, facisimile first edition followed by additional recipes from the fifth edition [Prospect Books:Devon] 1995 (p. 73)

 

THE GOOD WIFE’S GUIDE
(from Housekeeping Monthly, 13 May, 1955)

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip though the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
5. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasure and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
8. Be happy to see him.
9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your seedier to please him.
10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
13. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
14. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
15. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
16. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
17. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
18. A good wife always knows her place.
(Thanks to Elf Peter Marks, Santa’s Workshop, Schmaltz, Chutzpah and Dodgey Home Mortgage Division)

THE REAL WIFE’S GUIDE
(Update 2008)

1. Fuck making dinner.  That’s his job. You’ve been cooking his damn meals for 2000 years.  Don’t plan anything. Trust me – if there is no food waiting for him, he will get his lazy ass in the kitchen and learn to cook. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about YOURSELF and are concerned about your own needs. Most men are hungry when they come home. Too bad. A little starvation may get rid of that fat gut he wants to roll over on to you in bed. If a warm welcome is needed, put a cap in his ass.
2. Prepare yourself . . .  to mess with his head. Take an hour nap so you’ll be asleep when he arrives. Forget wearing make-up (you’re at home, eh DUH!) tie a chain around his neck, and talk loud. He has just been with a lot of work-weary morons all day. Don’t let him make you into one.
3. Tell him you’re gay. That you’ve been shagging his 21 year old secretary. His boring day may need a lift so one of your duties is to go into your own room and lock the door until he grows up and follows some of that own broken-record positive thinking advice that he’s been giving you all the time.
4. Keep the house real messy. Make one last trip though the main part of the house just before your husband arrives and pour more of his rubbish over everything. Once again, this is designed to keep him occupied on cleaning up, not pestering you with his stupid work stories.
5. Gather up his schoolbooks, toys, paper, model cars, etc -  and then run a 4-wheel drive over his immature ass.
6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire in his crotch. Just sprinkle some lighter fluid on his pajamas while he sleeps and light a match to it. Your husband will awake screaming and feel he is losing his mind, and this will give you a lift, too. After all, catering for his discomfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
7. Ignore his children. After, all they are from his first wife. But take a few minutes to wash the brats hands and faces if they are small, so they don’t mess up your new clothes (if they are large, just whack them a few times with a cricket bat), pull their hair and, if necessary, hide their clothes. They are his responsibility and, really, you would like to see them living on their own. (After all, they are in their forties.)  Maximize all noise. At the time of his arrival, amplify the sounds of the washer, dryer or vacuum with the use of microphones. Try to encourage the children to be noisy whenever possible.
8. Be depressed to see him.
9. Greet him with an insincere smile but show sincere maliciousness in your desire to ignore his every need.
10. DO NOT listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him. Do so immediately. Talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are infantile.
11. Make the evening yours.  TAKE BACK THE NIGHT! Complain if he comes home late or, better yet -  go out to dinner without him. Try to administer a world of pain and unpleasantness at his every move until he understands your very real need to relax, too.
12. Your goal: Try to make sure his home is a place of conflict, unrest and utter chaos where this free-loading jerk can drive himself crazy in body and spirit.
13. Greet him with complaints and problems.
14. Complain more if he’s late home to make your dinner. Stay out all night without telling him. He’ll figure something out to eat. Count this as minor compared to what he might have put you through that day.
15. Make him uncomfortable to buggery. Have him lean back in an uncomfortable chair and push a refrigerator on top of him. Have an acid bath ready for him as a surprise. Light a candle to throw him off guard.
16. Arrange his pillow over his face while he sleeps and offer to stick his shoes up his behind while he struggles to breathe. Speak in a loud, irritating and unpleasant voice throughout.
17. Question his actions and challenge his judgment and integrity constantly. Remember, you cannot trust him. He is a man. Men have screwed up this world. Don’t let him do it to your world.  You are the master of the house now and as such always exercise your will with fairness and truthfulness whenever possible - but use unfairness, lies, and hired thugs when necessary.   You have every right to question him. Use truth serum drugs. Remember what you learned in martial arts class: Failure is unthinkable.
18. A real wife always knows her place. Holding a Labrys.

 

Ye Olde Recipeth 2

Cristes Maesse Cookey
To three pound of flour, sprinkle a tea cup of fine powdered coriander seed, rub in one pound of butter, and one and a half pound sugar, dissolve one tea spoonful of pearlash [a rising agent] in a tea cup of milk, kneed all together well, roll three quarters of an inch thick, and cut or stamp into shape and slice you please, bake slowly fifteen or twenty minutes; tho' hard and dry at first, if put in an earthen pot, and dry cellar, or damp room, they will be finer, softer and better when six months old."
---American Cookery, Amelia Simmons, 2nd edition [Albany:1796] (p. 46) [NOTE: this book is considered by most food historians to be the first American cook book.]

 

FAVOURITE Cristes Maesse UTUBES

Holiday Movie
'Santa Claus Conquers the Martians'
http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=XBRV7wGt3jU

Andy Kaufman on Dating Game, Santa Claus Question
http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=ALZz3vlIZiU

Santa Claus Boot Camp !!!
http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=9pShS4t_6EE

Amy Winehouse - I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus
http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=r-pFNsapyTw

Joseph Spence
Santa Clause Is Coming To Town
Bahamian Folk 'The folk guitarist's Thelonius Monk'
http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk5ufApUArQ

ELVIS Santa Claus Is Back In Town
Elvis used to forget lyrics even before he was fat.
http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=pouQ7YN_6CQ

Zat You, Santa Claus? - Buster Poindexter
Late 80's Classic Buster Poindexter Great Xmas Song
http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=3bqdP6GuAvM

Kevin Bloody Wilson Hey Santa Claus
http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=tEe55NxFSSU

Tiny Tim - Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS
http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=XU8IQqcq270

 

A Very Merry Unauthorized Children's Scientology Pageant
It's back!! If you missed it last time, here's your chance! This holiday season, a jubilant cast of children celebrate the controversial Church of Scientology in uplifting pageantry and song. Portraying Tom Cruise, the intergalactic ruler Xenu and a dancing brain, among others, the large ensemble explains and dissects the actual teachings of Scientology against the candy-colored backdrop of a traditional nativity play. Avant-garde performance art and children's theater meet in one of the funniest and most bewildering holiday shows you will ever see: the OBIE Award-winning ironic masterpiece: A Very Merry Unauthorized Children's Scientology Pageant.
The New York Times called it "a cult-hit blueprint for a young generation that prefers its irony delivered with not a wink but a blank stare."
Time Out New York called it "refreshing and subversive."
The Los Angeles Times called it an "instant cult classic!"
Los Angeles Weekly called it "genius."
http://www.lesfreres.org/pageant/

Cristes Maesse ISLAND, AUSTRALIA

Named in 1643 for the day of its discovery, the island was annexed and settlement began by the UK in 1888. Phosphate mining began in the 1890s. The UK transferred sovereignty to Australia in 1958. Almost two-thirds of the island has been declared a national park.
http://www.nationmaster.com/country/kt-Cristes Maesse-island

 

Cristes Maesse AT ARLINGTON CEMETERY

Rest easy, sleep well my brothers.
Know the line has held, your job is done.
Rest easy, sleep well.
Others have taken up where you fell, the line has held.
Peace, peace, and farewell...

Some 5,000 wreaths are donated by the Worcester Wreath Co. of Harrington, Maine. The owner, Merrill Worcester, not only provides the wreaths, but covers the trucking expense as well. He's done this since 1992. A wonderful guy. Also, most years, groups of Maine school kids combine an educational trip to DC with this event to help out. Making this even more remarkable is the fact that Harrington is in one the poorest parts of the state.
(thanks to Elf Jim Testa, Santa’s Workshop, Occasional Patriot and Boom Boom Division)

Cristes Maesse is Axed in Oxford
Rowan Walker
The Observer
Council leaders in Oxford have decided to ban the word Cristes Maesse from this year's festive celebrations to make them more 'inclusive'. But the decision to rename the series of events the 'Winter Light Festival' has been criticised by religious leaders and locals said it was 'ludicrous'.
Sabir Hussain Mirza, chairman of the Muslim Council of Oxford, said: 'This is the one occasion which everyone looks forward to in the year. Christians, Muslims and other religions all look forward to Cristes Maesse. I'm angry and very, very disappointed. Cristes Maesse is special and we shouldn't ignore it.
'Christian people should be offended and 99% of people will be against this. Cristes Maesse is part of being British.'
Rabbi Eli Bracknell, who teaches at the Jewish Educational Centre, said: 'It's important to maintain a traditional British Cristes Maesse. Anything that waters down traditional culture and Christianity in the UK is not positive for the British identity.'
The idea came from the charity Oxford Inspires, which was set up to promote culture in the area. Tei Williams, a press officer for the charity, said: 'In Oxfordshire we have Winter Light which is a whole festival spanning two months. Within that will be Cristes Maesse carol services.'
Deputy leader of the council Ed Turner added: 'There's going to be a Cristes Maesse tree, and even if the lights are called something else, to me they will be Cristes Maesse lights.'

 

SELECTED FAVOURITES FROM JOE DOLCE Cristes Maesse NEWSLETTERS PAST

Best of 2003

SCIENTIFICALLY SANTA
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Cristes Maesse night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Cristes Maesse to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them... Santa would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the slei
gh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now."
http://members.iinet.net.au/~dwomen/files/nlDec1703.html

 

Best of 2004

Cristes Maesse BUSINESS PROPOSAL

FROM: MR RU DOLF REIGN DEIR II
NORTH POLE CITY
NORTH POLE.

THIS IS CONFIDENTIAL.

MY DEAR Cristes Maesse CHILD,

IT IS MY PLEASURE TO WRITE TO YOU WITH MUCH CONSIDERATION, l AM MR RU DOLF REIGN DEIR II , THE OFFSRPING OF LATE MR RU DOLF REIGN DEIR I. MY FATHER OWNS A LIMITED LIABILITY COMPANIES IN NORTH POLE, MY COUNTRY. MY FATHER IS ALSO A CHIEF DEIR IN NORTH POLE, HE IS THE HIGHEST PRODUCER OF ANTLER MULCH AND DEIR DUNG COMPOST PRODUCT, BECAUSE OF THIS PROPERTIES, HIS BAD EX MOTHER-IN-LAW DEIR FAMILY PUT RED NOSE GROWTH CURSE ON MY FATHER, INCLUDING SOME OTHER JEALOUS REIGN DEIR, IN THE COUNTRY, SO MY LATE FATHER DECEIDED TO HAVE A FOREIGN BUSINESS PARTNER WHO CAN ASSIST HIM TO INVEST IN ANY LUCRATIVE BUSINESS IN YOUR COUNTRY ABROAD.

MY LATE FATHER HAVE ANTLER MULCH AND DEIR DUNG COMPOST PRODUCT COMPANY AND HE IS A CHIEF DEIR, BUT BECAUSE OF RAPID RED NOSE GROWTH , AND HE WANTED TO INVEST HIS MONEY IN FOREIGN COUNTRY BECAUSE OF ME AND MY SISTER DIER, SKANKY HO DOLF DEIR. IT WAS LIKE MY FATHER KNEW HE WAS GOING TO DIE FROM RED NOSE GROWTH, MAY HIS GENTLE SOUL REST IN PREFECT PEACE. HE DISCLOSED TO ME THAT HE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF $26,000,000,00 NORTH POLE XMAS PRESENT CREDITS (TWENTY THREE DOLLARS US) IN A DEIR BANK TO A NEAR BY COUNTRY. THAT THE CREDITS WAS MADE FROM HIS ANTLER MULCH AND DEIR DUNG COMPOST PRODUCT COMPANIES.

MY LATE OLDER BROTHER GAN DOLF HOBBET DEIR HAD A SLED ACCIDENT WITH MY EX-MOTHER-IN-LAW, GREAT WIDEARSE FAT BITSCH DOLF DEIR, BUT BROTHER DEIR DIED FROM RINGWORM COMLICATION (boom boom!) AFTER TWO MONTH LATER IN A PRIVATE HOSPITAL IN MY COUNTRY. MY FATHER, BEFORE HE PASSED AWAY, DISCIDED TO HAND OVER TO ME SOME DOCUMENTS OF PROVES OF THE DEPOSITED MONEY IN THE BANK. AND ADVISED ME TO SEEK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUST WORTHY FOREIGN BUSINESS PARTNER FOR OUR LIFE TIME INVESTMENT, THAT IS WHY I DISCIDED TO CONTACT YOU. NOW I AM IN NORTH POLE CITY AND HAVE SUCCEEDED IN LOCATING THE BANK HERE. AND I HAVE DISCUESSED WITH THE DIRECTOR OF THE BANK AND HE SAID THAT I HAVE TO RE-ACTIVATE THE ACCOUNT BEFORE THE CREDITS WILL BE TRANSFERRED. AND HE ALSO INFORM ME THAT MY LATE FATHER RU DOLF DEIR THE FIRST HAVE AN AGREEMENT WITH THEM THAT THE CREDITS MUST BE TRANSFERED FOR INVESTMENT IN A FOREIGN ACCOUNT BEFORE WITHDRAWAL. AND ALSO WE HAVE TO FIND PERSON (NOT ELF, SORRY) WITH A FOREIGN ACCOUNT FOR THE TRANSFER.

NOW I AM SOLICITTING FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO FOLLOW UP THIS TRANSFER SO THAT AFTER THIS CREDITS IS BEEN TRANSFER INTO YOUR ACCOUNT WE SHALL BE COMING OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO COUNTINUE OUR HIGHER DEIR EDUCATION (FLIGHT ABOVE 28,000 FEET) WHILE YOU HELP US TAKE CARE OF THE INVESTMENT UNTILL WE GRADUATE FROM HIGHER DEIR FLIGHT COLLEGE. PLEASE IF YOU WILL HELP US, AS WE ARE ORPHANS THEN KINDLY GIVE US YOUR FULL INTEREST AND PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING DETAILS SO THAT WE SHALL GO AND SUBMITE YOUR NAME TO THE BANK AS OUR LATE FATHER'S BUSINESS PARTNER.

1) YOUR REAL NAME AND YOUR FULL ADDRESS.
2) YOUR PHONE AND FAX UNMBER.
3) NOT ELF.
4) WHETHER VEGETARIAN. (IMPORTANT!)
5) MUST HAVE SLED.

MAENWHILE BY RECIEVEING THESE DETAILS FROM YOU I WILL GO TO THE BANK AND SUBMITE IT TO THE BANK AND INTRODUCE YOU TO THE BANK AS MY LATE FATHER'S BUSINESS PARTNER. SO THAT YOU WILL CONTACT THE BANK AN INTRUCT THEM TO TRANSFER THE CREDITS INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, SO THAT WE CAN INVEST THE CREDITS IN ANY LUCRATIVE BUSINESS IN YOUR COUNTRY (EXCEPT, OF COURSE, DEIR HUNTING AND ANTLERHORN FURNITURE) BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY HOPE WE HAVE IN LIFE AND THE ONLY LEGACY LEFT TO US BY OUR LATE PARENTS, WE PROMISED TO GIVE YOU 20% OF THE TOTAL SUM FOR YOUR KIND ASSISTANCE DURING THE COURSE OF THIS TRANSFER.

I AM WAITING ANXIOUSLY TO HEAR FROM YOU SO THAT WE CAN DISCUSS THE MODALITIES OF THIS TRANSACTION, THANKS FOR YOUR KIND ASSISTANCE

MERRY Cristes Maesse

MR RU DOLF REIGN DEIR II
(ON BEHOOF MY SISTER SKANKY HO DOLF DEIR)

N/B: AND PLEASE TRY AND NEGOCIATE FOR US SOME PROFITABLE BLUE CHIP INVESMENTS OPPORTUNITIES WHICH IS RISK FREE WHICH WE CAN INVEST WITH THIS CREDITS WHEN IT IS TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT AND YOU WILL BE OUR GUARDIAN. WE ARE INTERSTED IN SLED MANAGEMENT/NAVIGATION AND ANTLER MULCH BUSINESS JUST AS OUR LATE FATHER MADE MENTION BEFORE HIS DEATH. PLAESE ADVISE US. AND PROMISE US TO BE OUR PARENTS CONSIDERING OUR SITUATION AND NOT TO BETRAY ME AND MY YOUNGER SISTER DEIR.
(P.S. SEND PICTURE OF SLED. boom boom!)
http://members.iinet.net.au/~dwomen/files/nlDec1004.html

 

Best of 2005

Cristes Maesse Poem From The Pennsylvania Dutch
(must be read with the appropriate accent)

Der night next vas Cristes Maesse
Der Night it vas still;
Der shtockings ver hung
By der chimney to fill.
Noddink vas shturring
At all in der house
For fear do Saint Nicholas
Vas nix komm heraus.
Der childrun ver dried
Und gone to der bed
Und mutter in night-gown
Und I on ahead
Vas searching around
In der trunk for der toys
Und ve crept around kviet
Not to make any noise.
Now mutter vas carrying
All der toys in her gown
Und showink her person
From up her vaist down
Venn as ve komm near
Der crip uff our boy
Our youngest und shveetest
Our pride und our choy.
His eyes ver vide open
As he peeked from his cot
Und seen efferytink dot
His mutter has got.
But he didn't even notice
Der toys in her lap.
He chust asked, "Vot is
Dat liddle fur cap?"
Und mutter said, "Hush"
Und den laffed mit delight
"I tink I giff dot
To you fotter tonight."

http://members.iinet.net.au/~dwomen/files/newsletterarchive05.html

 

Best of 2006
MENU

 

THE LAST SUPPER
A Banquet in Four Courses

Washing of the Hands

First Course
Pontius Pilate Punch
Virgin Olive Oil
Whole Wheat Communion Wafers and Unleavened Matzos
Mount of Olives
Dead Sea Salt
Whole Seed Mustard
A Jug of Holy Mineral Water
(changed to a carafe of a very good Sacramental Sauvignon, during the meal)
Rolling Rock Beer (why not?)

Second Course
Choice of -
Sea of Galilee Fish Soup
or
Swine and Demon Puree
(Chilli Smoked Ham Hock Cast upon a Sea of Exorcist-style Green Pea Soup)

Third Course
Choice of -
Crown of Thorns Roast Passover Lamb
(Crown Roast filled with fresh peas and little carrot crosses, and a decorated rosemary 'thorn wreath,' formed from several gnarly rosemary branches twisted around the roast in the baking pan. Little paper Pope's Hats on each rib tip to finish for decoration.)
or
Grilled Saffron-Endored Golden Calves Liver (for the non-believers)

Side Dishes -
Christ's Blood Sausages
Roman Soldier Dice Potatoes
Jerusalem Artichokes
Shroud of Tureen (ouch! - probably bacalla or tripe)
Lazarus Souffle (note: It must rise - or do not use!)
Gethsemene Garden Salad

Fourth Course
Choice of -
Tangerine Nazarene
or
Star Anise of Bethlehem Creme Caramel
or
Cherries Mary Magdalene
or
Grapes of Wrath Fruit Basket with
The Cheese to the Kingdom (ah . . . I know, I know!)

Serves Twelve, on Standard Altar Plates, with the good Three Pieces of Silver Setting.

http://members.iinet.net.au/~dwomen/files/nlDec2206.html

 

 

Best of 2007

Chrismukah

UNEXPECTED MERGER !!!
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Cristes Maesse and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the over-head cost of having twelve days of Cristes Maesse and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Anzac Biscuits and Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. The press conference was then ended by a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful”.

The Night Before Chrismukah

'Twas the night before Chrismukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, by gosh
But I'll call out the wife and she'll give you a nosh
A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels
Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles
Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy
A bissel chopped herring, an end piece of chaleh
And if all of these goodies don't fill up your gatkes
Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes."
"A latke?" cried Santa, "what is this delight?"
On the outside it's golden and inside it's white.
On the outside so crisp and inside it's yummy
And he gobbled them up 'til he filled his fat tummy.
Then they gave him a dreidel and showed him the plays
And he took a menorah to light for eight days
And to give Santa some spirit and to show how they felt
For mazel they gave him some Chanukah gelt.
He beamed and he chuckled and said "Kine-ahaora,
I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer
To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack
I'm leaving you everything, even my sack."
Then he called to his reindeer and said, "Luz mir gehn."
And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein
"Giddyap Irving, Hoo Ha Sidney, Hi ho Sadie, Let's go Minnie,
Onward Gussie, Upward Solly, Ole Becky, Oy Vey Molly."
And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight
"MERRY LATKES" to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT."

(Very rough translations of Yiddish: zeckel= bag, maidlach = girl, peckel = coin, meichel = meal, beichel = stomach, kinder = children, balbusta = lady of the house (usually a very nice description), mezzuzah = Commandments inside a small oblong ornament attached to right side of the door jam, zeit = life, nosh = snack, stuffed derma = cow intestines, flanken = flank steak, blintzes = rolled like a crepe, but stuffed full with fruit & cottage cheese (or something similar), bissel = a little piece, lox = smoked salmon (fish), bialy = kind of roll sold with bagels, chaleh = bread, gatkes = guts, latkes = potato pancakes, dreidel = special spinning top, with hebrew letters on the side, used for a game at Chanukah, menorah = candle holder for symbolic Chanukah candle lighting, mazel = luck, gelt = coins, schnorrer: cheapskate, typically used to descibe someone who always takes, but never gives anything back. )
http://members.iinet.net.au/~dwomen/files/nlDec2107.html

LAST MINUTE GIFTS

Cristes Maesse Costumes for Dogs

SANTA DOG COSTUME
http://www.costumecraze.com/XMAS33.html
DOG REINDEER ANTLERS
http://www.costumecraze.com/XMAS31.html
Cristes Maesse ELF COSTUME
http://www.costumecraze.com/XMAS38.html

 

 

RECIPE

Here’s one of the simple but beautiful masterpieces I am making this Cristes Maesse - and a good follow-up breakfast for the leftovers during the next couple of days.

Maple Syrup, Cinnamon and Brown Sugar Glazed Ham

1 7.5 kg ham
14 cloves
200 ml pure Maple syrup
3 tbsp seeded mustard
1 tbsp cinnamon
200 ml pineapple juice
200 g brown sugar

For those of you who get confused about ham and smoked ham, they are the same thing. All ham is smoked, precooked and ready to eat. All we are doing here is glazing an already cooked ham, basically. An idiot-proof recipe. This can be prepared the night before and cooked four hours before the meal. One of the easiest and most show-stopping dishes I've learned lately.
A decent ham should have about 2 cm of fat on top (under the skin). Remove the skin. Make 14 crosses into the fat and insert the cloves at the intersections.
In a bowl, mix the maple syrup, mustard, cinnamon and pineapple juice. Brush the mixture evenly over the ham using a pastry brush. Place in the fridge and leave for 12 hours or overnight.
When ready to cook the ham, preheat the oven to 180C. Remove the meat from the fridge and spread the brown sugar evenly on top. Bake for an hour and fifteen minutes.
Rest for 3 hours before serving.
(Thanks to Guillaume Brahimi, of Guillaume at Bennelong, Sydney.)

Breakfast Ham and Joe’s Red-Eye Gravy
Red-eye gravy is basically throwing a little fresh coffee in the pan to deglaze after frying a piece of ham for breakfast! Sounds strange, and strong and rightly so - it’s slightly bitter, as coffee is, but it's classic Americana and there are a few different variations on the theme. After experimenting over the course of several mornings with Alabama and Louisiana recipes, and using my own intuition, I have come up with a tasty red-eye gravy that is actually slightly red. (It's said that President Andrew Jackson asked for some gravy on his ham as red as his servant's eyes who had apparently been up all night drinking. Another theory is that the addition of coffee helped keep truck drivers awake while driving the all-night 'red-eye' shift.)

Ingredients:
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 slice of cooked ham, about 1/4-inch thick, with fat if possible
• 4 tablespoons strong black coffee
• 2 tablespoons water
• 1 tablespoon brown or raw sugar
• 2 tablespoons tomato sauce (or ketchup)
• 1 tablespoon butter
• (optional:) quarter teaspoon red chili flakes

Preparation:
Melt oil/fat in skillet and fry ham until done. Remove ham to a platter and keep warm. Add chili flakes and stir briefly. Add water to the pan. Add coffee and sugar and scrape bits from pan. Reduce a little. Add butter and tomato sauce. Stir and simmer for a minute, reducing further. Serve red-eye gravy on the ham and some on the side. For a large slice of ham or two slices, double amount of liquid. Nice with a side of fried potatoes, grits, eggs or biscuits - or all of above!

Cristes Maesse Eulogy . . .

DOROTHY PORTER (1954-2008)
I was saddened to hear that Melbourne writer, Dorothy Porter, passed away last week. Our paths crossed briefly last February when I interviewed her for a film project that Costas Athanassiou and I were working on about Greek poet, C.P. Cavafy - and the artists that have been influenced by his work. By an amazing coincidence, both Dorothy and I had discovered Cavafy’s work through the little-known Rae Dalven English translations. When I was twenty-three years old, back in 1970, I set one of these translations, ‘Return,’ to my original music. I corresponded with Rae, on and off, over the years until her death, in 1992. Between 1980 to 1994, I set an additional 14 translations to music, in a longer work entitled, ‘When the Lips and the Skin Remember.’ Over the decades, Cavafy has been translated by many different people - all men. But I have always preferred Rae Dalven’s interpretations for their flowing and heightened sensibility. Dorothy Porter was the first person I met who had also been deeply affected by this work - and this particular translation - which she also agreed was her favourite. I remember singing, ‘Return,’ for Dorothy at her house. That was the last time I saw her. Here is a poem - almost a farewell note - from one of Dorothy Porter’s verse novels ‘Akhenaten.’

Goodbye to Akhet-Aten

You have been my
most constant lover

even in despair
I will not be mute
before you

all these years
you have curved around me
my own city
like a jewelled water snake

I have worn you
and glistened inside
your watchful beauty

I’m leaving you
because I have no choice

I can’t stop
what they will do
to you

I can’t watch you die too

my singing days
are dust
so I talk to you
by the river

please accept
this scrappy goodbye
as my thanks

for the years
we had together
when we were
imperishably marvellous.

~ Dorothy Porter ~
(from Akhentaten, published by Picador, Australia)

Newsletter Archive and Recipe Index
http://members.iinet.net.au/~dwomen/files/newsletterarchive.html

 

THE FINAL HURRAH

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
“You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment,
he embraced her and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table .

Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer is broken."

(thanks to Elf Bill Lempke, Santa’s Workshop, Candy Cane Flavored Condom Division)