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Friday December 21st, 2007


"There has been only one Christmas -
the rest are Anniversaries." W.J. CAMERON


Dear Elfs, Elfins, Leprechauns, bad fairies, gnomes, goblins, gremlins, hobgoblins, pucks, demon dwarves, twerps, short midgets Lilliputians, Tom Thumbs, brownies, diminutives, dumpies, homunculuses, incipients, manikins, meagers, midges, miniatures, minikins, nanoids, peewees, pip-squeaks, pygmies, rudimentals, scraggies, scrubbies, shrimps, shriveleds, shrunks, squats, stunteds, teenies, undersized, warts, wees, wizened, Ariels, Befinds, Corrigans, Dingbelles, Fifinellas, Finnbearas, Hobs, Mabs, Tom Thumbs, bad boys, banshees, boogers, brats, brownies, buffoons, buggers, cluricaunes, cutups, devils, devilkins, diablotins, enfant terribles, erlkings, fairy queens, fays, funmakers, gamins, holy terrors, hoods, hoodlums, hooligans, imps, jokers, juvenile delinquents, knaves, kobolds, shedevils, little monkeys, rascals, manikins, midges, minxs, mischief-makers, ouphes, pixies, poltergeists, pookas, practical jokers, pranksters, pucas, punk kids, rapscallions, rascals, rogues, rowdies, ruffians, runts, scamps, scapegraces, shrimps, spoiled brats, sprites, sylphs, tokoloshes, urchins, wags, warts, and whippersnappers.

Welcome to the 2007 Galah Christmas Issue!

All are welcome beneath Santa Joseph's Christmas Coolibah Tree.

As in years gone by, this newsletter forms Part One of my annual Christmas Card to you.

The SANTA JOSEPH WEBPAGE forms Part Two, where this year, we review that controversial novel of North Pole intrigue, The SantaNic Verses.

Excerpt from StNickipedia: " The SantaNic Verses; verses that the elf, Blinkin', was supposedly tricked into revealing as part of the original Toy Workshop and Rules for Reindeer Credo, written by Santa Claus, but later removed by ex-Australian Prime Minister, John 'Sleepy' Howard. The verses allow for pardon, forgiveness and apology to be made to the two rebellious and ostracised aboriginal reindeer: Olive and Howe. (See website for full story.)

On SANTA JOSEPH WEBPAGE, you will also find Xmas photos, Xmas music and other entertainment, including a demo version of 'Get Thee Behind Me, Santa,' and the perennial favourite, and irritating, Groucho Marx-Twilight Zone Theme Counterpoint which is guaranteed to drive you bonkers. There is also a 12-Tone Arnold Schoenberg radio commerical! This site is a sonic nightmare and few of you will survive it - however, the clever amongst you will be able to either separate the individual audio signals or even better, get all three music loops going at the same time.

Here's a musical collage I recommend:

1. Go to the SANTA JOSEPH WEBPAGE,. The Groucho-Twilight Zone Music will automatically start.
2. Then click on the Italian version of Shaddap You Face (Ali Ali Ale.) That will begin in a separate Real Player window. (The first loop will stop temporarily.)
3. Then go back to the first page and up at the very top of the page, click the 12 Tone Schoenberg link that will take you to page 2. Click on the music link there and that will download as an .mp3 and begin playing as well. Listen to the beauty of those two ideas for awhile. In fact, those two together are fabulous!
4. Then back space to the front page and the Groucho-Twilight Zone Music will start again. You'll have all three loops playing at the same time. Music to blow your brains out or smoke an old roach by.

You will be doomed to wander in a landscape of loops, echoes and cacaphony and the straightest among you will most likely give up and not even bother reading the story. So be it. This little test is designed to separate the wheat from the chaff and the Reindeer A-team from the tail-chasin' Sled Dog. It's a Chrismuka poke in the Third Eye with the Fourth Schtick!

Here it is:

Meanwhile, back to Part 1 . . . .

Ho Ho!


Dear Santa Joseph,
Have had a good browse over your recipe page and finally settled on "Jewish chicken meatballs" "Veal Marsala" and "Morroccan Chicken" Would have liked to add the "George Bush Saddam Steak" one, but I know from doing community radio programmes, that there are some people out there who spend their boring lives looking for an excuse to complain so prefer not to provide one. Looking forward to catching you at the festival, I am in the "No Such Thing " dance band. Dave is talking about giving the recipe book a launch there. Yvonne

(Note: Ho! Ho! Santa Joseph, on the other hand, goes out of his way to service these complaining wind-up toy metal-plate headed people, with a big load of Santa's Hot Curry Poo down their chimneys. Some of Santa Joseph's Down Home North Pole Recipes will be included in the Illawarra Folk Festival Cookbook to be launched at the festival in Bulli in January 2008. A great present for that certain skinny super-model Elf-daughter with the eating disorder that you care about.)

Dear Santa Joseph,
What a load of crap! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!!!! Little Johnnie Howard

(Note: Dear little ungrateful sobbering ankle-biting rugrat, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, muthafucka!! You must have forgotten that little item when you decided to shoot your piehole off, elf niggah. I have GPS on my sled. A load of crap is not the worst thing that can happen to you. Oh no. Crap is good. Crap signifies regularity. Good digestion. Taking a crap FEELS good. (Am I wrong here, people?) No, Little Johnnie, Santa Joseph has something a lot more creative in mind for you than a bowel movement. I hope you're waiting up for me on Christmas Eve, you little milk and cookie fool, 'cause I'm bringing some of my woodworking tools with me and I plan to carve an ice sculpture of George W Bush in your ass. Then, when your crying for yo' mama, whom not only will I be tongue-kissing, but also beefshanking under your K-Mart tinfoil tree while you watch, then and only then will I consider DELETING your sorry ass. And it will be my DELIGHT 2 DELETE U. You will be so muthafuckin deleted that your De-Lete will be permanently De-pleted, voluminously Ex-creted until it's Over-heated and cant be Re-peated. Then I'll let my 300 pound reindeer jump salty all over your ass until you're as flat as Reindeer Jerky.)

Dear Santa Joseph,
Re: Slovenia on my mind
Christine here from Bendigo. I regularly have Slovenia on my mind because my Slovenian mother keeps feeding me and my family and all of my friends Slovenian food. It took me years to learn not to cook for the whole neighbourhood! Check out this website if you want to know more about the Slovenes:(site)
It tells you that Slovenes carry a lot of love inside them, that they probably made your washing machine, and that they are the most dangerous drivers in Europe (maybe they can't concentrate with all that love swishing around). Na svidenje! (Goodbye!) Christine

(Note: Dear Christine, climb up on my lap here, sweetie, and give ol' Santa Joseph a big kiss. That isn't a Candy Cane in my pocket and I am glad to see ya! Carrying all that love around must certainly tire you out so how about hopping up top your Slovenian washing machine for some Christmas swishing while Santa watches? One of Santa Joseph's favourite things is a big bowl of reindeer goulash and any of your mama's secret recipes you care to share with Santa and his helpers would be more than welcome!)



Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the over-head cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Anzac Biscuits and Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. The press conference was then ended by a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.
(Thanks to Marc Whitney)


The Night Before Chrismukah

'Twas the night before Chrismukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel

The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel

Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."

The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level

The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, by gosh
But I'll call out the wife and she'll give you a nosh

A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels
Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles
Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy
A bissel chopped herring, an end piece of chaleh

And if all of these goodies don't fill up your gatkes
Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes."
"A latke?" cried Santa, "what is this delight?"
On the outside it's golden and inside it's white.

On the outside so crisp and inside it's yummy
And he gobbled them up 'til he filled his fat tummy.
Then they gave him a dreidel and showed him the plays
And he took a menorah to light for eight days

And to give Santa some spirit and to show how they felt
For mazel they gave him some Chanukah gelt.
He beamed and he chuckled and said "Kine-ahaora,
I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer

To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack
I'm leaving you everything, even my sack."
Then he called to his reindeer and said, "Luz mir gehn."
And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein

"Giddyap Irving, Hoo Ha Sidney, Hi ho Sadie, Let's go Minnie,
Onward Gussie, Upward Solly, Ole Becky, Oy Vey Molly."
And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight
"MERRY LATKES" to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT."

(Very rough translations of Yiddish: zeckel= bag, maidlach = girl, peckel = coin, meichel = meal, beichel = stomach, kinder = children, balbusta = lady of the house (usually a very nice description), mezzuzah = Commandments inside a small oblong ornament attached to right side of the door jam, zeit = life, nosh = snack, stuffed derma = cow intestines, flanken = flank steak, blintzes = rolled like a crepe, but stuffed full with fruit & cottage cheese (or something similar), bissel = a little piece, lox = smoked salmon (fish), bialy = kind of roll sold with bagels, chaleh = bread, gatkes = guts, latkes = potato pancakes, dreidel = special spinning top, with hebrew letters on the side, used for a game at Chanukah, menorah = candle holder for symbolic Chanukah candle lighting, mazel = luck, gelt = coins, schnorrer: cheapskate, typically used to descibe someone who always takes, but never gives anything back
(Thanks to Elliot N. Schubert)



(Music to slam a sled into a tree by.)

A Christmas Story

A man in Brisbane calls his son in Adelaide two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Gees Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says, "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Darwin and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Brisbane immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
(thanks to Andrew Bicknell)


Rudolph The Red Nosed Homeless Person

Rudolph The Red Nosed Homeless Person,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you get too close to him,
He might even piss his clothes.
All of the other homeless people,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in Shopping Trolley games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.

Christmas Roast

Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feedhorn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manatoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shutoff switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.
Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.
Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home on Christmas day.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say " Merry Christmas. Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at
him, she said, " Merry Christmas. Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."

Two elderly ladies with Alzheimer's had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One Christmas Eve, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

After a long afternoon of Christmas shopping, a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Two elderly women were driving home from a Christmas party in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
(thanks to Andrew Bicknell)

Reindeer Combustion

An apprentice elf toy worker who heard that reindeer flatulence was largely composed of methane, and potentially explosive, decided to apply the scientific method to the theory. While one of his contented reindeer charges was hooked up to Santa's sled, he waited for the slight tail lift which reindeer handlers know signals an impending expulsion, generally something to avoid. The curious elf struck a match. His satisfaction at seeing the resulting foot-long blue flame lasted mere seconds, before the flame was subsumed by a rectal contraction. The poor Reindeer exploded, killing the worker who was struck by a flying femur bone.

Brits 'Too Drunk' To Have Sex On Xmas

The majority of Brits will be too drunk to have sex over the holiday period. A poll, involving of 6,000 people, found that 59 percent of them hit what was termed a sex drought during this period. Giving reasons behind the revelations, the poll found that Brits admitted that they were less likely to have sex at this time of year because they would have consumed too much food or drink. According to poll, 66 percent of lovers revealed that they avoided having sex during the holiday period in the past in case visiting family members heard them. The study conducted by a sex shop chain Ann Summers also found couples were less likely to get intimate over the festive season than at any other time of year because of stress, fights or fatigue.


German Wang Spray is Instant Condom: From Liquid Rubber To Sweet Love in One Second. A German firm has developed a spray-on condom for all your lifestyle needs. The liquid condom comes in an aerosol can that you spray onto the organ in question. (site)


Forget the dog whisperer. With this costume, no other neighbourhood mutt will come within ten feet of your little neurotic poodle. (site)

GREETINGS IN JESUS NAME: The Scambaiter Letters
(published by Harbour Books Ltd.)

'With warm hearts I offer my friendship, and my greetings, and I hope this letter meets you in good time. It will be surprising to you to receive this proposal from me since you do not know me personally. However, I am sincerely seeking your confidence in this transaction, which I propose with my free mind and as a person of integrity. My name is Jacob Kamala the son of Mr. A.Y Kamala, a farmer from Zimbabwe, murdered in the land dispute in my country. As led by my instinct, I decided to contact you through email . . . '
The above, or something similar, is familiar to all of us now: letters asking us for money for orphans, for victims of hurricanes, letters telling us we've won the Spanish lottery, letters telling us we have been contacted because we are known to be of good integrity and could be trusted to bank 30 million in our saving's account, for a generous fee of 10% of the sum.
To most of us the letters are an irritant. To Michael Berry they are a call to arms. For the last five years he has replied to the scammers emails, expressing an interest in their propositions and then spending days, weeks, even months leading them down the garden path with his hilarious requests and misunderstandings.
He's had them selling paintings to Del Trotter Antiques, tattooing themselves so as to become members of his bogus church, booking expensive hotels for his no-show personas, seeking criminal compensation from Inspector Morse, writing out a Harry Potter novel by hand, or being killed by a mugger just outside the Western Union office where he was about to make a payment to them and, cruelest of all, falling in love with him as he pretends to be Gillian Anderson. His revenges are funny, often savage and always effortlessly inventive. (site)

(published by Pirahna Press) (site)

The Ministry of Evangelist Gregory Englert (site)


The news that a British teacher in Sudan was sentenced to 15 days in jail for allowing her students to name a Teddy Bear "Mohammed" reflects more than simply a clash of religious beliefs and cultures­ it also reveals that the Muslim world fails to see the amazing untapped potential of the Mohammed brand. It's our belief that American marketers would be thrilled to create Mohammed-licensed products that generate new revenue opportunities and build bridges to the Islamic community. Conversely, this represents a unique opportunity for Islam to communicate the tenets of its belief system to the traditional American community.

It's a win-win situation.

We've taken the liberty of creating some prototypes that reflect the amazing potential of this co-marketing relationship.

Baby Prophet Wets-a-Lot Doll. Guaranteed to keep the suicide bomber at home for the Christmas season.
Mohammed 8-Ball. Unsure of the proper protocol for addressing insults to the Prophet? Have a question as to why the Q'aran refuses to follow the "q-u" rule? Just need another opinion on which country's flag to burn at the demonstration this evening? Then the Mohammed 8-Ball is your choice! You and your friends will be treated to a variety of answers that include: "My sources say burn an American flag."; "Slit the pig's throat."; and the very popular, "It was the Jews fault."
Goat Condoms. 'Cause you've got better things to do than worry about your goat's sexual past. (site)


SE7EN (Italian Style) - The Feast of the Seven Fishes

My sister emailed me yesterday and reminded me of this tradition which I had been part of for so long growing up but only now have become conscious of.

This is an ancient Catholic tradition in southern Italy, rooted in the teachings of the Church. The Feast of the Seven Fishes is an Italian Christmas Eve tradition built around fish of all kinds and prepared in as many different ways as possible.

Christmas Eve in the ancient Catholic church was a vigilia di magro -- a sacred fast day, on which no meat could be consumed. This stricture has long since been lifted, although many devout Italians still fast on Christmas Eve. In Southern Italy and Sicily the tradition of a Christmas Eve feast organized around fish dishes developed over the centuries, and the tradition lives on in all regions of Italy.
The menu and the number of fish dishes varies from family to family and village to village, but it's usually seven, although the reason cited for the number varies. Some say it's a commemoration of the last seven of the Ten Commandments, which prescribe rules of human interaction -- as opposed to the first three, which address human relations with God. Others say it is to remind us of the Seven Deadly Sins.
Two dishes that seem to show up in everyone's traditional Feast of Seven Fishes are smelts and baccalà in some form or another. Other candidates for the Feast of the Seven Fishes include grilled shrimp; baked oysters in the shell; clam or lobster risotto; pan roasted mackerel; smoked trout; broiled or grilled sea bass; scallop- or lobster-filled ravioli; deep-fried calamari; clams fettuccine; swordfish sautéd with capers and vinegar; and whole bass steamed with anchovies and capers. Almost any fish dish you can imagine -- preferably with an Italian pedigree -- can turn up in a Feast of the Seven Fishes. Also, grilled halibut steaks with fresh tomato and basil sauce. Steamed crabs. Lobster fra diavalo.
The meal is usually served one course at a time, with lots of time between courses, in the Italian tradition, during which the cooks work on the next dish and the guests drink wine and talk.

Here is an original baccala recipe for those game (or fish) to try it! Ciao.

Satan's Claws Christmas Baccala
(with Red Jalapeno Peppers and Green Sicilian Olives)

Salted cod. The only fish available in land-locked areas not near the shore until advances such as trucking and freezing. The fish of the poor until relatively recently, converted into the fish of the fairly well-to-do as the traditional dishes gained in prestige and fish stocks started to diminsh. Enjoy it while you can because things aren't looking well:
Fisheries Managers Say Atlantic Codfish Stocks Near State Of Collapse (article)

I found some red jalapeno peppers and thought of this dish on the spot! I use bright green homemade Sicilian olives which are unpitted and crunchy. Hard to find. But ask around. The brighter the green, the better. It's Christmas!

I warn you. This dish is so aggressive that it will at first offend your palate with an assault of hotness - but you will fatally return to the pot over and over again as your taste buds become accustomed to the abuse and you are seduced by its intensity.

First some Baccala Theory.

How salty should the cod be after it's soaked, before you cook it? It's a matter of personal taste.

I buy salt cod from different places and each one has differing amounts of salt saturating the fish. The fish from the gourmet Italian deli around the corner is lightly salted and twenty-four hours of soaking is enough. The big supermarket Safeway-baccala needs about three-four days of soaking as the salt is more deeply embedded. The decision on how long to soak comes from familiarity with what you get from the particular supplier - and is trial and error. Three days is probably safe, as a general rule.

If you try to eat salty baccala after one day of soaking, it will still taste great but you will be chronically thirsty and end up drinking water all day long.
When you do soak the fish, you have to change the water 3-4 times a day to get the excess salt out.

Baccala is different than Stockafissio which is the fish you see hanging on hooks that looks like an old cricket bat. Stockafissio is so hard that you can pound nails with it and you have to cut it with a saw. Stockafissio takes a week to soften. We're talking extra-chewy here folks! This is a gourmet experience, too.

But the baccala I use doesn't have this kind of rigor mortis. Salt cod was originally salted to preserve it for lean times and I remember the big barrels filled with baccala in the neighbourhood grocery shop in Painesville, Ohio, when I was a kid. Obviously, if fish had been plentiful all the time, no one would have ever salted fish in the first place. I've made this dish with fresh fish. But of course, fresh cod doesn't have the al dente chewy texture that salted cod has, which is part of the personality of baccala!

1 fillet of baccala (soaked in three changes of water daily over three days, to remove salt. You do not want your baccala too salty.)
20 Sicilian green olives
half cup of sliced red jalapeno peppers (you can substitute large red chilies (not hot) and a quarter teaspoon of red chili flakes (hot!)
handful of red chilies for garnish (optional)
1 medium red onion, cut into wedges
1 clove of garlic, roughly cut
four medium potatoes, peeled and cut into long quarters. (Use more if you like.)
2 whole fresh tomatoes, roughly chopped
1 fresh sprig of oregano
freshly ground black pepper
half cup of water
olive oil
flour for dredging

Soak the baccala approx 3 days, changing the water three time a day. Drain and set aside.
Cut fillets into 2 inch pieces. Dredge in the flour. In a large fry pan, with a good lid, fry the fish a few minutes in olive oil until slightly brown. Remove fish from pan and set aside. Brown the red onion wedges in the pan. Add the potatoes and brown. Add the remaining ingredients and scrape the bottom of the pan to loosen all the browned bits. Place the fish on top and cover. Cook over very low heat for about half an hour. About half way through the cooking, uncover, and give everything a gentle toss. Return the cover and finish cooking.

To serve, place on a serving dish and scatter some fresh parsley, and the fresh red chilles, if desired, for added colour. Serves 2.

Not for kids. Unless they have a hot tooth like my granddaughter Mistica who is four. This beautiful miraculous kid even scares me. She keeps a bottle of water in one hand while she eats my hot barbecue ribs with the other! She tells her father, "I like it, dad, but its hot." Then she drinks the water. Sigh. Love at first bite.




The basic red velvet cake recipe with the addition of red snakes between the layers and about fifty dollars worth of gold coins scattered throughout.

The Cake:
2 1/4 cups sifted flour
2 teas cocoa powder
1 teas baking soda
1 teas baking powder
1 teas salt
1 1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup (1 stick or 75 g) unsalted butter
2 eggs
1 cup buttermilk
2 ounces (60ml) organic red food colouring (or, if you prefer, substitute beet juice, either from a can of pickled beets, or else boil up some beets, grate the boiled beets into the water, let steep for half hour and strain - Or half beet juice and half food colour. This is a personal choice and personally I dont mind the food colour.)
1 teas white vinegar
1 teas vanilla

1 8 oz packet (240 ml/gr) cream cheese
1/2 cup (1 stick or 75 g) unsalted butter
1 pound (500 g) icing sugar
1 teas vanilla extract
1 cup chopped pecans

20 red snakes
20 green spearmint candy leaves
Thin silk ribbon
50 dollars worth of brand new freshly minted one dollar coins
Some creative little Toy to decorate the cake as a centrepiece. A small snowdome, or toy animal works fine. Look around for something spectacular.

Preheat oven to 350 F. Grease and flour two 9-inch round cake pans.
In a medium bowl, sift the flour, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, and salt together. Set aside.
In a large bowl, cream sugar with butter. Beat in eggs, one at a time.
Alternate adding flour with buttermilk to the creamed eggs and sugar mixture, stirring. Beat in the food colouring (or beet juice) and vinegar. Beat in the vanilla. Spread batter evenly in the pans. Bake 20 to 30 minute until a wooden toothpick inserted into the centre comes out clean. Turn out onto wire racks to cool.

Wash and dry the gold coins. (I'm talking about Australian gold one dollar coins but anything will do. A mixture of one and two dollar coins. Depends on your budget. You could use real gold coins!)

When the cake layers have totally cooled, place each cake layer on a separate cutting board to prepare. Gently push 25 dollars worth of the gold coins into each layer evenly so that each slice will contain one or more. Use a small knife if necessary to make it easier to insert the coins without damaging the cake.

Tie a small bow around the neck of each red snake.

Prepare frosting, in a large bowl, cream the cream cheese and butter. Beat in the icing sugar until fluffy. Beat in the vanilla. Stir in the pecans.

Lay out the first cake layer on one of the cutting boards and put about a third of the frosting across the top and sides. We want to frost as much as the cake as possible before we add the snakes and put the layers together to avoid getting frosting on the snakes. Do the same with the second cake layer. Using two spatulas, gently and carefully lift the bottom layer onto a serving dish. Carefully place the red snakes evenly in a spoked wheel across the layer so the the ribboned heads poke out from the sides about an inch or so. Push them gently into the frosting so that they stay in place.

Carefully place the second cake layer on top of the first. Use the remaining frosting to fill in the gaps between the layers being careful once again not to get frosting on the snakes or ribbons. This required concentration and focus. The heads of the snakes should cleanly poke through the frosted cake.

Place the centre piece toy on top of the cake and place the green spearmint leaf candy around it evenly. If any of the coins are poking through, carefully clean the frosting away from the edges of the coins so that they gleam a little.

Watch the kids faces when they see this and get their slice of red velvet cake with red snakes and coins. (Supervise them, parents, so they don't choke on either the ribbons or the coins!)


Get Thee Behind Me, Santa!

Yea! A Vision Cometh unto me -
When Moon was Drained and Thin
A Stroke of Ice Transported me -
To Fields of Snow White Sin -
The snow melted,
The ground gave beneath me,
Ten thousand feet I fell,
Darkness surrounded me,
I lost consciousness,
Deafening were the Peels of the Cash Register Bells. . .

Twelve Elves in Black Tights took my Hands -
We Rode on Beasts with Bells -
And Travelled to a Hellish Land -
Where the Red-Suited One Doth Dwell ­
His Mouth exuded Vapours -
A Workshop of the Damned -
I saw with Crystalline Clarity -
The Santa-Satan Anagram!

"Get Thee behind me, Santa! -
Begone ye Fat and Foul Thing! -
Ye Fat and Foul Thing! -
Ye Fat and Foulsome Thing! -
Be ye Gone,
Fat and foulsome thing!
Get Thee back with thy Frozen Sacks, Ho!
Get Thee back with thy Frozen Sacks, Ho!
Get Thee back with thy Frozen Sacks, Ho!
No more thy Temptations bring!"

His Dolls were Wound with Voodoo Wire -
Teddy Bears were dipped in Sulphur Scents -
And Demon Sounds rose up out the Pyre -
From the Toy Plastic Instruments-
Stockings were Hung with Skeletal Feet -
Hooked o'er the Flames to Burn -
The Bones of Naughty Children -
Their Lessons never Learned .

"Never' said I, and slapped his Hand -
"You'll not make me your Slave,
I'd rather be nailed to that Christmas Tree
than rot in your Mercantile Grave."
I fled the Fiend, I Ran, I Screamed . . .

I awoke all Drenched in Sweat -
The Sky was Fair
And All was Calm -
Save for my Credit Card Debt.

"Get Thee behind me, Santa! -
Begone ye Fat and Foul Thing! -
Ye Fat and Foul Thing! -
Ye Fat and Foulsome Thing! -
Be ye Gone,
Fat and foulsome thing!
Get Thee back with thy Frozen Sacks, Ho!
Get Thee back with thy Frozen Sacks, Ho!
Get Thee back with thy Frozen Sacks, Ho!
No more thy Temptations bring!"

~ Joe Dolce ~


NEWS! Joe Dolce new CD, 'The Wind Cries Mary,' chosen as ALBUM OF THE YEAR by 97.1 FM, 3MDR Radio, Melbourne! Listen to some excerpts (site).



" . . . . Santa Joseph's Christmas songs return the forgotten spiritual element to the current degenerate holiday." North Pole Gazette

" . . . noteworthy is the sexy duet between Santa Joseph on mouth organ and Ms Claus, yodeling, while drinking a glass of warm reindeer urine." Elf Craft & Woodwork World

" . . . Santa Joseph's 12-tone telecaster solo on 'Santa's Fat Ass is Hard Yakka on Doner's Slender Reindeer Back,' is spine-tingling!' " Reindeer Husbandry Bulletin

"I was very moved by the beak and atmospheric soundscape he evoked in 'Ms Claus Done Fucked My Mind,' which brought back for this reviewer the recent emotional turmoil in the recent break-up of his own marriage. Bravo Santa Joseph!." Arctic Explorer





Christmas Road Rage

I was driving behind a taxi this morning when it stopped suddenly and I ran into the back of it.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He came around the back and looked at the damage to his taxi and then at my car.

"I'm not happy," he said.

"Well ... " I said, "Which one are you?" (boom boom!)
(thanks to Jim Testa)