Dear Elfs, Elfins, Leprechauns, bad fairies, gnomes, goblins,
gremlins, hobgoblins, pucks, demon dwarves, twerps, short midgets
Lilliputians, Tom Thumbs, brownies, diminutives, dumpies, homunculuses,
incipients, manikins, meagers, midges, miniatures, minikins, nanoids,
peewees, pip-squeaks, pygmies, rudimentals, scraggies, scrubbies,
shrimps, shriveleds, shrunks, squats, stunteds, teenies, undersized,
warts, wees, wizened, Ariels, Befinds, Corrigans, Dingbelles,
Fifinellas, Finnbearas, Hobs, Mabs, Tom Thumbs, bad boys, banshees,
boogers, brats, brownies, buffoons, buggers, cluricaunes, cutups,
devils, devilkins, diablotins, enfant terribles, erlkings, fairy
queens, fays, funmakers, gamins, holy terrors, hoods, hoodlums,
hooligans, imps, jokers, juvenile delinquents, knaves, kobolds,
shedevils, little monkeys, rascals, manikins, midges, minxs, mischief-makers,
ouphes, pixies, poltergeists, pookas, practical jokers, pranksters,
pucas, punk kids, rapscallions, rascals, rogues, rowdies, ruffians,
runts, scamps, scapegraces, shrimps, spoiled brats, sprites, sylphs,
tokoloshes, urchins, wags, warts, and whippersnappers.
All are welcome beneath Santa Joseph's Christmas Coolibah
As in years gone by, this newsletter forms Part One
of my annual Christmas Card to
The SANTA JOSEPH WEBPAGE
forms Part Two, where this year, we review that controversial
novel of North Pole intrigue, The SantaNic
Excerpt from StNickipedia: " The SantaNic Verses;
verses that the elf, Blinkin', was supposedly tricked into
revealing as part of the original Toy Workshop and Rules for
Reindeer Credo, written by Santa Claus, but later removed
by ex-Australian Prime Minister, John 'Sleepy' Howard. The verses
allow for pardon, forgiveness and apology to be made to the two
rebellious and ostracised aboriginal reindeer: Olive and Howe.
for full story.)
On SANTA JOSEPH WEBPAGE,
you will also find Xmas photos, Xmas music and other entertainment,
including a demo version of 'Get Thee Behind Me, Santa,'
and the perennial favourite, and irritating, Groucho Marx-Twilight
Zone Theme Counterpoint which is guaranteed to drive you bonkers.
There is also a 12-Tone Arnold Schoenberg radio commerical!
This site is a sonic nightmare and few of you will survive it
- however, the clever amongst you will be able to either separate
the individual audio signals or even better, get all three music
loops going at the same time.
Here's a musical collage I recommend:
1. Go to the SANTA
JOSEPH WEBPAGE,. The Groucho-Twilight Zone Music will
2. Then click on the Italian version of Shaddap You Face (Ali
Ali Ale.) That will begin in a separate Real Player window.
(The first loop will stop temporarily.)
3. Then go back to the first page and up at the very top of the
page, click the 12 Tone Schoenberg link that will take
you to page 2. Click on the music link there and that will download
as an .mp3 and begin playing as well. Listen to the beauty of
those two ideas for awhile. In fact, those two together are fabulous!
4. Then back space to the front page and the Groucho-Twilight
Zone Music will start again. You'll have all three loops playing
at the same time. Music to blow your brains out or smoke an old
You will be doomed to wander in a landscape of loops, echoes
and cacaphony and the straightest among you will most likely give
up and not even bother reading the story. So be it. This little
test is designed to separate the wheat from the chaff and the
Reindeer A-team from the tail-chasin' Sled Dog. It's a Chrismuka
poke in the Third Eye with the Fourth Schtick!
Here it is:
Have had a good browse over your recipe page and finally settled
on "Jewish chicken meatballs" "Veal Marsala"
and "Morroccan Chicken" Would have liked to add the
"George Bush Saddam Steak" one, but I know from doing
community radio programmes, that there are some people out there
who spend their boring lives looking for an excuse to complain
so prefer not to provide one. Looking forward to catching you
at the festival, I am in the "No Such Thing " dance
band. Dave is talking about giving the recipe book a launch there.
(Note: Ho! Ho! Santa Joseph, on the other hand, goes
out of his way to service these complaining wind-up toy metal-plate
headed people, with a big load of Santa's Hot Curry Poo down their
chimneys. Some of Santa Joseph's Down Home North Pole Recipes
will be included in the Illawarra Folk Festival Cookbook to
be launched at the festival in Bulli in January 2008. A great
present for that certain skinny super-model Elf-daughter with
the eating disorder that you care about.)
What a load of crap! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!!!! Little
(Note: Dear little ungrateful sobbering ankle-biting
rugrat, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, muthafucka!! You must have forgotten
that little item when you decided to shoot your piehole off, elf
niggah. I have GPS on my sled. A load of crap is not the worst
thing that can happen to you. Oh no. Crap is good. Crap signifies
regularity. Good digestion. Taking a crap FEELS good. (Am I wrong
here, people?) No, Little Johnnie, Santa Joseph has something
a lot more creative in mind for you than a bowel movement. I hope
you're waiting up for me on Christmas Eve, you little milk and
cookie fool, 'cause I'm bringing some of my woodworking tools
with me and I plan to carve an ice sculpture of George W Bush
in your ass. Then, when your crying for yo' mama, whom not only
will I be tongue-kissing, but also beefshanking under your K-Mart
tinfoil tree while you watch, then and only then will I consider
DELETING your sorry ass. And it will be my DELIGHT 2 DELETE U.
You will be so muthafuckin deleted that your De-Lete will be permanently
De-pleted, voluminously Ex-creted until it's Over-heated and cant
be Re-peated. Then I'll let my 300 pound reindeer jump salty all
over your ass until you're as flat as Reindeer Jerky.)
Re: Slovenia on my mind
Christine here from Bendigo. I regularly have Slovenia on my mind
because my Slovenian mother keeps feeding me and my family and
all of my friends Slovenian food. It took me years to learn not
to cook for the whole neighbourhood! Check out this website if
you want to know more about the Slovenes:(site)
It tells you that Slovenes carry a lot of love inside them, that
they probably made your washing machine, and that they are the
most dangerous drivers in Europe (maybe they can't concentrate
with all that love swishing around). Na svidenje! (Goodbye!) Christine
(Note: Dear Christine, climb up on my lap here, sweetie,
and give ol' Santa Joseph a big kiss. That isn't a Candy Cane
in my pocket and I am glad to see ya! Carrying all that love around
must certainly tire you out so how about hopping up top your Slovenian
washing machine for some Christmas swishing while Santa watches?
One of Santa Joseph's favourite things is a big bowl of reindeer
goulash and any of your mama's secret recipes you care to share
with Santa and his helpers would be more than welcome!)
UNEXPECTED MERGER !!!
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions,
it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and
Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had
been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available
at press time, it is believed that the over-head cost of having
twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming
prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the
world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service
during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday
is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping
and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions
of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew,
will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider
audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle
happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more
generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it
is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his
vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least
three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children
could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten
meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Anzac Biscuits
and Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared
happy about this. The press conference was then ended by a rousing
rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.
(Thanks to Marc Whitney)
(Very rough translations of Yiddish: zeckel= bag, maidlach
= girl, peckel = coin, meichel = meal, beichel = stomach, kinder
= children, balbusta = lady of the house (usually a very nice
description), mezzuzah = Commandments inside a small oblong ornament
attached to right side of the door jam, zeit = life, nosh = snack,
stuffed derma = cow intestines, flanken = flank steak, blintzes
= rolled like a crepe, but stuffed full with fruit & cottage
cheese (or something similar), bissel = a little piece, lox =
smoked salmon (fish), bialy = kind of roll sold with bagels, chaleh
= bread, gatkes = guts, latkes = potato pancakes, dreidel = special
spinning top, with hebrew letters on the side, used for a game
at Chanukah, menorah = candle holder for symbolic Chanukah candle
lighting, mazel = luck, gelt = coins, schnorrer: cheapskate, typically
used to descibe someone who always takes, but never gives anything
(Thanks to Elliot N. Schubert)
A Christmas Story
A man in Brisbane calls his son in Adelaide two days before
Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have
to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years
of misery is enough."
"Gees Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the father says, "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick
of talking about this, so you call your sister in Darwin and tell
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll
take care of this."
She calls Brisbane immediately and screams at her father, "You
are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by
tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?"
and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas
and paying their own way."
(thanks to Andrew Bicknell)
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was
killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation
exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year,
according to Northern Manatoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya
Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating
a safety shutoff switch and entering a restricted maintenance
catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had
told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during
his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures
often dip to forty below zero.
Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the
same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas
shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic
lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest
microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost
in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated
increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.
Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns,
who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he
thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported
to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
GREY CHRISTMAS JOKES
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home on Christmas day.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and
say " Merry Christmas. Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her
him, she said, " Merry Christmas. Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
Two elderly ladies with Alzheimer's had been friends for many
decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities
and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting
a few times a week to play cards.
One Christmas Eve, they were playing cards when one looked at
the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've
been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need
After a long afternoon of Christmas shopping, a senior citizen
was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman,
I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"
TAKE THE WHEEL
Two elderly women were driving home from a Christmas party in
a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they
were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight
was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have
sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At
the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they
went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
(thanks to Andrew Bicknell)
An apprentice elf toy worker who heard that reindeer flatulence
was largely composed of methane, and potentially explosive, decided
to apply the scientific method to the theory. While one of his
contented reindeer charges was hooked up to Santa's sled, he waited
for the slight tail lift which reindeer handlers know signals
an impending expulsion, generally something to avoid. The curious
elf struck a match. His satisfaction at seeing the resulting foot-long
blue flame lasted mere seconds, before the flame was subsumed
by a rectal contraction. The poor Reindeer exploded, killing the
worker who was struck by a flying femur bone.
Brits 'Too Drunk' To Have Sex On Xmas
The majority of Brits will be too drunk to have sex over the
holiday period. A poll, involving of 6,000 people, found that
59 percent of them hit what was termed a sex drought during this
period. Giving reasons behind the revelations, the poll found
that Brits admitted that they were less likely to have sex at
this time of year because they would have consumed too much food
or drink. According to poll, 66 percent of lovers revealed that
they avoided having sex during the holiday period in the past
in case visiting family members heard them. The study conducted
by a sex shop chain Ann Summers also found couples were less likely
to get intimate over the festive season than at any other time
of year because of stress, fights or fatigue.
SPRAY ON CONDOMS
German Wang Spray is Instant Condom: From Liquid Rubber To
Sweet Love in One Second. A German firm has developed a spray-on
condom for all your lifestyle needs. The liquid condom comes in
an aerosol can that you spray onto the organ in question. (site)
ALLIGATOR COSTUME FOR YOUR DOG
Forget the dog whisperer. With this costume, no other neighbourhood
mutt will come within ten feet of your little neurotic poodle.
GREETINGS IN JESUS NAME: The Scambaiter Letters
(published by Harbour Books Ltd.)
'With warm hearts I offer my friendship, and my greetings,
and I hope this letter meets you in good time. It will be surprising
to you to receive this proposal from me since you do not know
me personally. However, I am sincerely seeking your confidence
in this transaction, which I propose with my free mind and as
a person of integrity. My name is Jacob Kamala the son of Mr.
A.Y Kamala, a farmer from Zimbabwe, murdered in the land dispute
in my country. As led by my instinct, I decided to contact you
through email . . . '
The above, or something similar, is familiar to all of us now:
letters asking us for money for orphans, for victims of hurricanes,
letters telling us we've won the Spanish lottery, letters telling
us we have been contacted because we are known to be of good integrity
and could be trusted to bank 30 million in our saving's account,
for a generous fee of 10% of the sum.
To most of us the letters are an irritant. To Michael Berry they
are a call to arms. For the last five years he has replied
to the scammers emails, expressing an interest in their propositions
and then spending days, weeks, even months leading them down the
garden path with his hilarious requests and misunderstandings.
He's had them selling paintings to Del Trotter Antiques, tattooing
themselves so as to become members of his bogus church, booking
expensive hotels for his no-show personas, seeking criminal compensation
from Inspector Morse, writing out a Harry Potter novel by hand,
or being killed by a mugger just outside the Western Union office
where he was about to make a payment to them and, cruelest of
all, falling in love with him as he pretends to be Gillian Anderson.
His revenges are funny, often savage and always effortlessly inventive.
BEAUTIFUL STORIES FOR UGLY CHILDREN
(published by Pirahna Press) (site)
PRAYERS FOR WATERHEAD BABIES
The Ministry of Evangelist Gregory Englert (site)
GIFTS FOR SIAMESE TWINS (site)
FOR THAT HARD-TO-BUY-FOR TERRORIST
The news that a British teacher in Sudan was sentenced to
15 days in jail for allowing her students to name a Teddy Bear
"Mohammed" reflects more than simply a clash of religious
beliefs and cultures it also reveals that the Muslim world
fails to see the amazing untapped potential of the Mohammed brand.
It's our belief that American marketers would be thrilled to create
Mohammed-licensed products that generate new revenue opportunities
and build bridges to the Islamic community. Conversely, this represents
a unique opportunity for Islam to communicate the tenets of its
belief system to the traditional American community.
It's a win-win situation.
We've taken the liberty of creating some prototypes that reflect
the amazing potential of this co-marketing relationship.
Prophet Wets-a-Lot Doll. Guaranteed to keep the suicide bomber
at home for the Christmas season.
8-Ball. Unsure of the proper protocol for addressing insults
to the Prophet? Have a question as to why the Q'aran refuses to
follow the "q-u" rule? Just need another opinion on
which country's flag to burn at the demonstration this evening?
Then the Mohammed 8-Ball is your choice! You and your friends
will be treated to a variety of answers that include: "My
sources say burn an American flag."; "Slit the pig's
throat."; and the very popular, "It was the Jews fault."
Condoms. 'Cause you've got better things to do than worry
about your goat's sexual past. (site)
Style) - The Feast of the Seven Fishes
My sister emailed me yesterday and reminded me of this tradition
which I had been part of for so long growing up but only now have
become conscious of.
This is an ancient Catholic tradition in southern Italy, rooted
in the teachings of the Church. The Feast of the Seven Fishes
is an Italian Christmas Eve tradition built around fish of all
kinds and prepared in as many different ways as possible.
Christmas Eve in the ancient Catholic church was a vigilia
di magro -- a sacred fast day, on which no meat could be consumed.
This stricture has long since been lifted, although many devout
Italians still fast on Christmas Eve. In Southern Italy and Sicily
the tradition of a Christmas Eve feast organized around fish dishes
developed over the centuries, and the tradition lives on in all
regions of Italy.
The menu and the number of fish dishes varies from family to family
and village to village, but it's usually seven, although the reason
cited for the number varies. Some say it's a commemoration of
the last seven of the Ten Commandments, which prescribe rules
of human interaction -- as opposed to the first three, which address
human relations with God. Others say it is to remind us of the
Seven Deadly Sins.
Two dishes that seem to show up in everyone's traditional
Feast of Seven Fishes are smelts and baccalà in some form
or another. Other candidates for the Feast of the Seven
Fishes include grilled shrimp; baked oysters in the shell; clam
or lobster risotto; pan roasted mackerel; smoked trout; broiled
or grilled sea bass; scallop- or lobster-filled ravioli; deep-fried
calamari; clams fettuccine; swordfish sautéd with capers
and vinegar; and whole bass steamed with anchovies and capers.
Almost any fish dish you can imagine -- preferably with an Italian
pedigree -- can turn up in a Feast of the Seven Fishes. Also,
grilled halibut steaks with fresh tomato and basil sauce. Steamed
crabs. Lobster fra diavalo.
The meal is usually served one course at a time, with lots of
time between courses, in the Italian tradition, during which the
cooks work on the next dish and the guests drink wine and talk.
Here is an original baccala recipe for those game (or fish)
to try it! Ciao.
(with Red Jalapeno Peppers and Green
Salted cod. The only fish available in land-locked areas not
near the shore until advances such as trucking and freezing. The
fish of the poor until relatively recently, converted into the
fish of the fairly well-to-do as the traditional dishes gained
in prestige and fish stocks started to diminsh. Enjoy it while
you can because things aren't looking well:
Fisheries Managers Say Atlantic Codfish Stocks Near State Of
I found some red jalapeno peppers and thought of this
dish on the spot! I use bright green homemade Sicilian olives
which are unpitted and crunchy. Hard to find. But ask around.
The brighter the green, the better. It's Christmas!
I warn you. This dish is so aggressive that it will at first
offend your palate with an assault of hotness - but you will fatally
return to the pot over and over again as your taste buds become
accustomed to the abuse and you are seduced by its intensity.
First some Baccala Theory.
How salty should the cod be after it's soaked, before you cook
it? It's a matter of personal taste.
I buy salt cod from different places and each one has differing
amounts of salt saturating the fish. The fish from the gourmet
Italian deli around the corner is lightly salted and twenty-four
hours of soaking is enough. The big supermarket Safeway-baccala
needs about three-four days of soaking as the salt is more deeply
embedded. The decision on how long to soak comes from familiarity
with what you get from the particular supplier - and is trial
and error. Three days is probably safe, as a general rule.
If you try to eat salty baccala after one day of soaking, it
will still taste great but you will be chronically thirsty and
end up drinking water all day long.
When you do soak the fish, you have to change the water 3-4 times
a day to get the excess salt out.
Baccala is different than Stockafissio which is the fish you
see hanging on hooks that looks like an old cricket bat. Stockafissio
is so hard that you can pound nails with it and you have to cut
it with a saw. Stockafissio takes a week to soften. We're talking
extra-chewy here folks! This is a gourmet experience, too.
But the baccala I use doesn't have this kind of rigor mortis.
Salt cod was originally salted to preserve it for lean times and
I remember the big barrels filled with baccala in the neighbourhood
grocery shop in Painesville, Ohio, when I was a kid. Obviously,
if fish had been plentiful all the time, no one would have ever
salted fish in the first place. I've made this dish with fresh
fish. But of course, fresh cod doesn't have the al dente chewy
texture that salted cod has, which is part of the personality
1 fillet of baccala (soaked in three changes of water daily over
three days, to remove salt. You do not want your baccala too salty.)
20 Sicilian green olives
half cup of sliced red jalapeno peppers (you can substitute large
red chilies (not hot) and a quarter teaspoon of red chili flakes
handful of red chilies for garnish (optional)
1 medium red onion, cut into wedges
1 clove of garlic, roughly cut
four medium potatoes, peeled and cut into long quarters. (Use
more if you like.)
2 whole fresh tomatoes, roughly chopped
1 fresh sprig of oregano
freshly ground black pepper
half cup of water
flour for dredging
Soak the baccala approx 3 days, changing the water three time
a day. Drain and set aside.
Cut fillets into 2 inch pieces. Dredge in the flour. In a large
fry pan, with a good lid, fry the fish a few minutes in olive
oil until slightly brown. Remove fish from pan and set aside.
Brown the red onion wedges in the pan. Add the potatoes and brown.
Add the remaining ingredients and scrape the bottom of the pan
to loosen all the browned bits. Place the fish on top and cover.
Cook over very low heat for about half an hour. About half way
through the cooking, uncover, and give everything a gentle toss.
Return the cover and finish cooking.
To serve, place on a serving dish and scatter some fresh parsley,
and the fresh red chilles, if desired, for added colour. Serves
Not for kids. Unless they have a hot tooth like my granddaughter
Mistica who is four. This beautiful miraculous kid even scares
me. She keeps a bottle of water in one hand while she eats my
hot barbecue ribs with the other! She tells her father, "I
like it, dad, but its hot." Then she drinks the water. Sigh.
Love at first bite.
RED VELVET GOLD
COIN AND SNAKE CAKE
The basic red velvet cake recipe with the addition of
red snakes between the layers and about fifty dollars worth
of gold coins scattered throughout.
2 1/4 cups sifted flour
2 teas cocoa powder
1 teas baking soda
1 teas baking powder
1 teas salt
1 1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup (1 stick or 75 g) unsalted butter
1 cup buttermilk
2 ounces (60ml) organic red food colouring (or, if you prefer,
substitute beet juice, either from a can of pickled beets, or
else boil up some beets, grate the boiled beets into the water,
let steep for half hour and strain - Or half beet juice and half
food colour. This is a personal choice and personally I dont mind
the food colour.)
1 teas white vinegar
1 teas vanilla
1 8 oz packet (240 ml/gr) cream cheese
1/2 cup (1 stick or 75 g) unsalted butter
1 pound (500 g) icing sugar
1 teas vanilla extract
1 cup chopped pecans
20 red snakes
20 green spearmint candy leaves
Thin silk ribbon
50 dollars worth of brand new freshly minted one dollar coins
Some creative little Toy to decorate the cake as a centrepiece.
A small snowdome, or toy animal works fine. Look around for something
Preheat oven to 350 F. Grease and flour two 9-inch round cake
In a medium bowl, sift the flour, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder,
and salt together. Set aside.
In a large bowl, cream sugar with butter. Beat in eggs, one at
Alternate adding flour with buttermilk to the creamed eggs and
sugar mixture, stirring. Beat in the food colouring (or beet juice)
and vinegar. Beat in the vanilla. Spread batter evenly in the
pans. Bake 20 to 30 minute until a wooden toothpick inserted into
the centre comes out clean. Turn out onto wire racks to cool.
Wash and dry the gold coins. (I'm talking about Australian
gold one dollar coins but anything will do. A mixture of one and
two dollar coins. Depends on your budget. You could use real gold
When the cake layers have totally cooled, place each cake
layer on a separate cutting board to prepare. Gently push 25 dollars
worth of the gold coins into each layer evenly so that each slice
will contain one or more. Use a small knife if necessary to make
it easier to insert the coins without damaging the cake.
Tie a small bow around the neck of each red snake.
Prepare frosting, in a large bowl, cream the cream cheese and
butter. Beat in the icing sugar until fluffy. Beat in the vanilla.
Stir in the pecans.
Lay out the first cake layer on one of the cutting boards and
put about a third of the frosting across the top and sides. We
want to frost as much as the cake as possible before we add the
snakes and put the layers together to avoid getting frosting on
the snakes. Do the same with the second cake layer. Using two
spatulas, gently and carefully lift the bottom layer onto a serving
dish. Carefully place the red snakes evenly in a spoked wheel
across the layer so the the ribboned heads poke out from the sides
about an inch or so. Push them gently into the frosting so that
they stay in place.
Carefully place the second cake layer on top of the first.
Use the remaining frosting to fill in the gaps between the layers
being careful once again not to get frosting on the snakes or
ribbons. This required concentration and focus. The heads of the
snakes should cleanly poke through the frosted cake.
Place the centre piece toy on top of the cake and place the
green spearmint leaf candy around it evenly. If any of the coins
are poking through, carefully clean the frosting away from the
edges of the coins so that they gleam a little.
Watch the kids faces when they see this and get their slice
of red velvet cake with red snakes and coins. (Supervise them,
parents, so they don't choke on either the ribbons or the coins!)
NEWS! Joe Dolce
new CD, 'The Wind Cries Mary,' chosen as ALBUM OF THE
YEAR by 97.1 FM, 3MDR Radio, Melbourne! Listen to some excerpts
" . . . . Santa Joseph's Christmas songs return the forgotten
spiritual element to the current degenerate holiday." North
" . . . noteworthy is the sexy duet between Santa Joseph
on mouth organ and Ms Claus, yodeling, while drinking a glass
of warm reindeer urine." Elf Craft & Woodwork World
" . . . Santa Joseph's 12-tone telecaster solo on 'Santa's
Fat Ass is Hard Yakka on Doner's Slender Reindeer Back,' is
spine-tingling!' " Reindeer Husbandry Bulletin
"I was very moved by the beak and atmospheric soundscape
he evoked in 'Ms Claus Done Fucked My Mind,' which brought
back for this reviewer the recent emotional turmoil in the recent
break-up of his own marriage. Bravo Santa Joseph!." Arctic
THE FINAL HO HO!
Christmas Road Rage
I was driving behind a taxi this morning when it stopped suddenly
and I ran into the back of it.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He came around the back and looked at the damage to his taxi
and then at my car.
"I'm not happy," he said.
"Well ... " I said, "Which one are you?"
(thanks to Jim Testa)