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December 9th, 2005

The Footprint of the American Chicken on Earth
and Good Will to All

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
Mark Twain



Dear Folks,

A funny thing happened to me yesterday on the way to more Christmas shopping. I was walking past Myers Emporium, in downtown Melbourne, and there seated at a little table on the sidewalk, with a couple of minders, and only about five people around him, was the infamous Jeffrey Archer, signing copies of his latest novel. I'm sure everyone remembers Jeffrey. (At least the five people standing there, and me.) Official title: Lord Jeffrey Archer, Baron Archer of Weston-super-Mare. Archer is the author of a number of best-selling books, a former MP in the UK and was Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party, supported by Margaret Thatcher, John Major, and William Hague. He was later convicted of perjury and imprisioned. He was also instrumental in raising money for the then little-known charity, Oxfam, famously managing to obtain the support of 'The Beatles' in a charity fundraising drive.
In the frontspiece of 'False Impression,' his first book since his release from the Queen's Slammer, his brief CV reads:
' The author has served five years in the House of Commons, fourteen years in the House of Lords, and two in her Majesty's Prisons . . . '
It was funny. - as I had just read something that very morning about how Archer said that he wished the judge had sent him to Australia to serve his time! I bought his book
(reduced from $49.95 to $29.95 - deal!) and when he signed it for me, I asked him to write, ' To Joe, in dim hope of bringing back the Transportation Act . . ' He said, 'Oh no, why would I want to write that?' Short memory. Prison food must do that to you. I had to settle for just my name and the date.' To Joe Dolce, from Jeffrey Archer.' Still, it feels special. Here's a link with his story if you want to refresh your memory: (article)



I live in Blacktown, Sydney...I would dearly love to get a copy of ALL the songs you have ever released as all the copies i have are on tapes . . I would like to find out how i can buy your music in Sydney, as I do not have credit cards . . . Please help me !....''I LOVE YOUR MUSIC''.....''YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND.''. . J.

(Note: J, Aw shucks! Stop it . . . but, er . . . one of what kind?)

Hello Joe...
May I please get your email newsletter thingo ? A friend of mine on the NSW border gets it and he thinks it's wonderful and said I should too. Thankyou.   Kind regards, 

Hi Joe,
Welcome back. Just a word about Dubai and environs...... Talk to the women here where I work.
"... Dubai?....love the shopping...."
"Saudi. Hate the place. Women are treated worse than dogs. Last time I was there I was nearly killed trying to cross the road. I couldn't see through the mesh in the headgear."
These guys are America's friends and allies.... while women in Iraq who have just given birth no longer ask,
"Is it a boy or a girl?" but rather "Is the baby normal?"
All that dust from spent nuclear artillery...... imagine all the young Americans who are going to take that legacy home to their own wives and families !!!!..... Take care,

After listening to Dubya's response on Wednesday to the call for the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq, and then reading Cindy Sheehan's "Open Letter to George's Mama" in your latest newsletter, the thought popped into my head that if -- unlike her son -- Barb had had a proper pullout plan in place on one particular October evening in 1945, we wouldn't have anywhere near the problems we face today. Best,

(Note: Folks, Don't confuse Dubya and Dubai, in the two letters above. They are two separate places, although they do share a few things in common like camel dung.)

Hey Dr. Joe,
This is your evil twin, Joe Dolce still of LA, CA. :>
So, since our last email, I haven't gotten anything done on the THE DOLCE legacy website. Yes it is fact that we Dolce's all originated in England, then we loudmouths, (political dissenters) got booted to France. Knowing us Dolce's we probably went there for the sex fragrances and to get laid but we didn't last there as the King Lui got pissed (we Dolce's have the habit of pissing people off) and ended up in Sicily where we've been for a few hundred years until are parents got out from all the political nonsense. Our course you and I ended up being born in the States, and now with the US turning into a bad cheese, escaped: you to Australia, me to Hollywoodyou got the  better deal, I got the shaft. When I get the actual story in terms of the historical rhetoric, I'll create that dolce.info website but for now, the actual story of this family---You are one of its notables as well as Dom (the Dolce & Gabbana cat) will be headers. Hope your are well-wish I could see one of your shows---any US touring in the works?. Your friend in history, genes and spit. Everyone! shut the f*ck up you faces!
Joe Dolce, Los Angeles

(Note: I have several of these 'psychic doubles' with the same name who contact me now and then. One of the most well-known is JOE DOLCE, the previous gay editor of Andy Warhol's Interview Magazine and Playboy. (Go figure!) I met him once in New York for lunch and he told me that if we got married, our towels could have the same monogram.)

Hi Joe,
. . . Without in any way diminishing what you've done since Shaddup, as a wannnabe widget maker myself, your example of success with one widget ie, the publishing royalties for Shaddup) is an example I sometimes mention to those who can't understand the publishing model of success. Regards,
Michael Z

Hi Joe -
I just love your emails. Just a note to say thank you for your enlightening and often comical emails.  I'm not sure how I got on your list - but I'm not complaining !!!  Keep em coming ! Regards,


. . . [Hugh] Jackman, as he was in X-Men, is debonair and dashing. But there's no spark whatsoever between him and [Kate] Beckinsale. She may as well be selling the Watchtower, so little heat does he create with her. Sporting one of the film's two appalling accents (the other being Alun Armstrong as an Italian cardinal whom you expect at any moment to break out into a version of Joe Dolce's 'Shaddap You Face'), Beckinsale is inert. She exudes neither vulnerability, sensuality, nor strength; just a general puzzlement at the strangely attired characters spouting clichéd lines around her.
Arts Telegraph




This is what a bunch of right-wing gun nuts are called the PEACE SIGN these days. The footprint of the American chicken. They write:
"Often found in dense urban areas, the American Chicken can be identified by its distinctive mark and complete lack of understanding. However, when confronted with heavy caliber truth and large volleys of common sense, they will often retreat back to their hippie communes while ranting incoherently. This t-shirt will help you identify these radical individuals so they can be avoided when possible and confronted when necessary."

Man, when they were handing out the BRAINS, these folks must have thought they said TRAINS and said, 'Just drive it over my fucking head.' There are even t-shirts you can order. (site)





P.A.C.P. (US Parents Against Child Pornography) Boycott Mattel Pregnant Barbie

'My mom works at a toy store and she told me that Barbie has a new doll out that is pregnant and already has another child with her, but Barbie has no RING on her finger. Now we all thought that they were all for Barbie and Ken getting married but apparently Barbie does not have to married to anyone to have children. What a wonderful doll for our daughter to look up to! God bless you." M.G. (site)

(Note: Everyone knows that it's Barbie's friend Midge (aka Putana Barbie) who's got the bun in the oven.)



Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist
directed by Paul Schrader, starring Stellan Skarsgård
(Also known as
Exorcist: The Beginning, directed by Rennie Harlan, also starring Stellan Skarsgård)

Pick Your Pazuzzu


" . . . a web of movie making, unmaking and remaking so infernally tangled as to give new meaning to the phrase "development hell."

The long awaited prequel to the legendary 'The Exorcist', (originally written by William Peter Blatty, directed by William Friedkin) was supposed to be directed by the equally legendary John Frankenheimer, 72, with Liam Neeson set to star as Father Merrin (the role originally played by Max von Sydow). When Frankenheimer underwent back surgery, in 2002, and quit the production, Paul Schrader (Taxi Driver, The Yakuza) was brought in to direct, with cinematography by Vittorio Storaro (Apocalypse Now, One From the Heart and virtually everything by Bertolucci) - with Stellan Skarsgård playing Father Merrin. Schrader finished the film, for 35 million, previewed it for the producers, who hated it, (not enought 'pea soup vomit' and twisting heads) so he was summarily fired, and Rennie Harlin (Deep Blue Sea and Die Hard 2) brought in to re-shoot the entire film from scratch, with a completely new crew, script and story, and actors - only keeping Stellan Skarsgård as Father Merrin! Practically none of the original footage shot by Schrader was used. "There's nothing like making a practice movie," chuckled James G. Robinson, CEO of the production company, Morgan Creek, the independent production company that currently owns all rights to the Exorcist franchise.
Rennie Harlin's version had a major theatrical release. Paul Shrader's version was also released, much latear, but only directly to DVD. So two separate versions of this film exist, starring the same lead actor, but with entirely different stories, and shot by different directors. I saw the Harlin film and hated it. I picked up a copy of the Schrader film in Germany and really liked it. So now I recommend seeing both versions - just for the unique experience of watching two takes on the same idea. Schrader comments on his version:
"Essentially, you have an afflicted boy, an outcast who is possessed, and, as his possession deepens, he gets better until he is perfected and glorified as Lucifer incarnate. A poor crippled boy, getting better - not very useful for hardcore horror, which usually turns on an innocent being tormented, as in the first Exorcist. Here, the concept was turned on its head. I did not want to wrench hard-core horror from it, because the concept really wasn't suitable. I was allowed to complete my Exorcist, but only at minimal expense. To put the score together I had to be creative and call up some favors. The music editor and I were able to remix an hour of the Renny Harlin/Trevor Rabin score and adapt it to my film. The Rabin score, however, did not contain a 'theme' cue. For this I turned to Angelo Badalamenti (with whom I've done four films) who provided fifteen minutes of music gratis. The Rabin remix wore thin, particularly during the final twenty minutes of the film. For this I turned to some friends in the heavy metal group Dog Fashion Disco. They scored the last reel and we were able to go back through the film and integrate some of the musical elements. In addition they wrote and performed a song, 'Satan's March,' for the tail credits." (article)




(Note: Follow the link below to access the full brilliant 20 page article. This is the best and most comprehensive explanation of the Christian right-wing evangelical movement in the US and how it got the way it was, and it's goals and objectives, that I have ever seen. These insane Christian fundamentalists make the insane Islamic fundamentalists sound like Lawrence Welk's Amateur Hour at the Insane Asylum.)

On a scorching afternoon in May, Tim LaHaye, the 79-year-old co-author of the "Left Behind" series of apocalyptic thrillers, leads several dozen of his acolytes up a long, winding path to a hilltop in the ancient fortress city of Megiddo, Israel. LaHaye is not a household name in the secular world, but in the parallel universe of evangelical Christians he is the ultimate cultural icon. The author or co-author of more than 75 books, LaHaye in 2001 was named the most influential American evangelical leader of the past 25 years by the Institute for the Study of American Evangelicals. With more than 63 million copies of his "Left Behind" novels sold, he is one of the best-selling authors in all of American history. Here, a group of about 90 evangelical Christians who embrace the astonishing theology he espouses have joined him in the Holy Land for the "Walking Where Jesus Walked" tour.
Megiddo, the site of about 20 different civilizations over the last 10,000 years, is among the first stops on our pilgrimage, and, given that LaHaye's specialty is the apocalypse, it is also one of the most important. Alexander the Great, Saladin, Napoleon, and other renowned warriors all fought great battles here. But if Megiddo is to go down in history as the greatest battlefield on earth, its real test is yet to come. According to the book of Revelation, the hill of Megiddo - better known as Armageddon - will be the site of a cataclysmic battle between the forces of Christ and the Antichrist. . . .

The city of Jerusalem has a profound significance in the traditions of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. And to all three religions no place in Jerusalem is more full of apocalyptic and messianic meaning than the Temple Mount-the massive, 144,000-square-meter platform, 32 meters high, built by King Herod as a base for the biggest and most grandiose religious monument in the world, the shining white stone Temple of the Jews.
To Jews, the Temple Mount marks the holy of holies, the sacred core of the Temple, where Jews worshipped for centuries. Beneath it, Orthodox Jews believe, is the foundation stone of the entire world. The Mount is the disputed piece of land over which Cain slew Abel. It is where Abraham took his son, Isaac, when God asked him to sacrifice the boy. At its outer perimeter is the Western Wall, or Wailing Wall, where Jews worship today. And messianic Jews believe the Mount is where the Temple must be rebuilt for the coming Messiah.
To Christians, the Temple is where Jesus threw out the money changers. Its destruction by the Romans in 70 A.D. came to symbolize the birth of Christianity, when a new Temple of Jesus, eternal and divine, replaced the earthly Temple made and destroyed by men.
And to Muslims the Temple Mount's Dome of the Rock is where Muhammad ascended to heaven nearly 1,400 years ago, making it the third-holiest site in Islam, behind Mecca and Medina. . . .

"This is incredibly dangerous to Israel," says Gershom Gorenberg, a Jerusalem-based journalist and the author of The End of Days, a chronicle of messianic Christians and Jews and their struggle with Muslim fundamentalists over the Temple Mount. "They're not interested in the survival of the State of Israel. They are interested in the Rapture, in bringing to fruition a cosmic myth of the End Times, proving that they are right with one big bang. We are merely actors in their dreams. LaHaye's vision is that Jews will convert or die and go to hell. If you read his books, he is looking forward to war. He is not an ally in the safety of Israel."
Far from being a Prince of Peace, the Christ depicted in the "Left Behind" series is a vengeful Messiah - so vengeful that the death and destruction he causes to unconverted Jews, to secularists, to anyone who is not born again, is far, far greater than the crimes committed by the most brutal dictators in human history. When He arrives on the scene in Glorious Appearing, Christ merely has to speak and "men and women, soldiers and horses, seemed to explode where they stood. It was as if the very words of the Lord had superheated their blood, causing it to burst through their veins and skin." Soon, LaHaye and Jenkins write, tens of thousands of foot soldiers for the Antichrist are dying in the goriest manner imaginable, their internal organs oozing out, "their blood pooling and rising in the unforgiving brightness of the glory of Christ."
After the initial bloodletting, Nicolae Carpathia gathers his still-vast army, covering hundreds of square miles, and prepares for the conflict at Megiddo. As the battle for Armageddon is about to start, Rayford Steele climbs atop his Hummer to watch Christ harvest the grapes of wrath. Steele looks at the hordes of soldiers assembled by the Antichrist, and "tens of thousands burst open at the words of Jesus." They scream in pain and die before hitting the ground, their blood pouring forth. Soon, a massive river of blood is flowing throughout the Holy Land. Carpathia and the False Prophet are cast into the eternal lake of fire.
According to LaHaye and Jenkins, it is God's intent "that the millennium start with a clean slate." Committing mass murder hundreds of times greater than the Holocaust, the Lord - not the Antichrist, mind you - makes sure that "all unbelievers would soon die." (article)




Imagine being in a boxing match with a big nasty chap who seems more like a bull than a man, trying to beat the daylights out of you. Your head pounds and throbs from the disorientation and pain of the boxing match, as you listen to the crowd shouting in a frenzy, feeling your adrenaline pumping at full swing, and then all of sudden you have to completely stop, shift gears and attempt to focus your mind in the middle of a head-cracking headache in order to try and also win a chess match, because losing in either area loses you the entire contest.
You try to remember your last strategy and try to execute your plan on the chessboard while trying to concentrate with all your wits to keep from the distraction and intensity all around you, and try to figure out a way to squirm your way out of the mess of a position and try for a win. And oh, your time is also running out. Multiply that intensity a few rounds then add a big dose of reality, then you have the ingredients for the kind of strain inherent in a chessboxing match.
In chessboxing, you not only have to physically fight your way to the win but at the same time also ensure you can think properly while all the pain and fury engulfs you. (article)

World Chess Boxing Organisation (Downloadable 68 MB video)



Are you emotionally distraught? Hungry? Now you can film yourself having a whinge and stuffing your face at the same time. Don't ask me to explain this site. Short 30 second clips of people crying while they eat. You can submit your own cathartic consumptions as well. (site)



Dental Visit
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a needle to give the man a shot of Novocain.
"No way, no needles, I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me."
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth!"
(boom boom!)
(thanks to Jim Testa)




Stuck for a present? In case of alien abduction, these dog tags may save your life. The crucial data an alien will need to get you back to Earth is die stamped into these dog tags. The design is based on NASA research for the Pioneer 10 Space Mission that used a gold plaque attached to the craft to inform any Extraterrestrials of it's Earthly origin. (site)

(Note: A good present to send to George W Bush. In college, Dubya claimed to have been taken by aliens and given an anal probe. Know what they found in there? John Howard and Tony Blair.)



Fresh tomatoes, diced
Freshly picked green beans, cleaned and de-stringed
Potatoes, diced
Italian sausage, cut-up
a little chicken stock
fresh basil
virgin olive oil
garlic, chopped
onion, chopped
yellow Hungarian pepper, hot or mild, sliced thinly
salt and pepper to taste

Brown sausage meat in olive oil. Sauté onions and garlic. Add tomatoes. Add remainder of ingredients, cover and bring to a simmer over low heat. Go play your guitar awhile and in a couple hours and after a few stirrings ... bring some chibatta bread to the table along with fresh butter and some roasted garlic cloves.


A Happy Birthday

This evening, I sat by an open window
and read till the light was gone and the book
was no more than a part of the darkness.
I could easily have switched on a lamp,
but I wanted to ride this day down into night,
to sit alone and smooth the unreadable page
with the pale gray ghost of my hand.

~ Ted Kooser ~
from Delights & Shadows