Hi folks,

I've included mostly humour this week. (I don't know why - crap just backs up sometimes and you have to laugh!)

Some of you might have had a hard time logging onto my website (and Difficult Women's website.) My server has been swallowed up by a bigger fish that unfortunately (for me) didn't bring along the websites - so I have to rebuild everything from back-up files. Hang in there - I'm making progress daily and it's sort of nice to clean the ol' cyber-house once and awhile - let some virtual fresh air in. I'll still keep the Weekly Newsletter online but the Archive Section may be in limbo for awhile.

Favourite Reader Feedback of the Week

Please DELETE my address from your newsletter. I didn't subscribe to this liberal crap! J.P

(Well, that's not exactly my favourite feedback but if I don't get a certain amount of that kind of thing, I feel I'm not really doing my job.)

Dear Joe,
Enough already with the US crap, who cares? Australia and the Howard government are the issue. We only went to war to please the Yanks. The 1st pre-emptive war in Australia's history and we went for not 1(one), yes, not 1(one), let me make that quite clear, NOT ONE valid reason. In the words of US president George Bush, "Free Nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction". In the words of Pauline Hanson, "Please explain?". Maybe Pauline and George should not be used in the same statement, I think that's called an OxleyMoron. regards Mick

(Crap, seems to be the operative word so far. True, Mick, I haven't spent enough time on Australian issues. It sort of seems like one big steaming pile of Blairingly Howardly Bushite sometimes. I'll work toward remedying that. I guess I felt that if we could just cut the head off - i.e. George W and his buddies - things would improve, but it's looking like there are no heads, just a bunch of necks.)

Dear Joe,
" . . . I know, you're sitting there towards the bottom of the planet saying Yea, I care. Anyway, I love your site. Keep up the good work. Thanks for the mind spa. Sincerely, Mary Jo

Dear Joe,
Thanks for the interesting reading. As a fellow musician....from the same era as yourself, it's nice to catch up albeit by cyberspace. David M.
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Favourite Porn Subject Headings

From: cheeze_a_la_dique@hotmail.com To: dolcegoddess Subject: Hello

(Dolcegoddess? Yeah!!! This was a Viagra ad naturally.)
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From: fyfaiftwlflvy Subject: Signup Receipt

"Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex. If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.. The bandage was wound around the wound. u come up with, and hear the music in your head. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, and dinosaurs.

(I don't know what they're selling but I ordered one. )
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Time for a Lawyer Joke

" Saddam will be charged with crimes against humanity for a 1988 massacre of Kurds, the 1990 invasion of Kuwait and the 1980-88 Iran-Iraq war, said Salem Chalabi, a lawyer leading the work of a tribunal that will try the former Iraqi leader. " Salem Chalabi, is, of course, the nephew of Ahmad Chalabi, who has been accused of being a spy for the nation of Iran. ."
(article)

So here's the joke:

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
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 2004 Democratic National Convention Schedule
(There was one of these going around awhile back about the Republicans but, in all fairness, this one is much funnier, especially the last line.)
 
 6:00 p.m. - Opening flag-burning ceremony.
 6:00 p.m. - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse
                    Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton
  6:30 p.m. - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.
  6:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
  7:00 p.m. - Tribute theme to France.
  7:10 p.m. - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.
  7:25 p.m. - Tribute theme to Germany.
  7:45 p.m. - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)
 8:25 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
 8:30 p.m. - Terrorist appeasement workshop.
 9:00 p.m. - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female couples)
 9:30.p.m. - Intermission
 10:00.p.m. - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins
10:10 p.m. - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.
10:20.p.m. - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg'
10:30 p.m. - Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L.
10:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:50 p.m. - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.
11:00 p.m. - Multiple gay marriage ceremony:
                    threesomes, mixed, and  same-sex.
 11:15 p.m. - "Maximizing Welfare" workshop.
 11:30 p.m. - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.
 11:59 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
 12:00 p.m. - Nomination of democratic candidate.
 
 Any chance we could get Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home from the convention?
(thanks to Mary)

Here's a joke for Ted:

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop." (boom boom!)
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Best Review of Fahrenheit 9/11 So Far

Thank You, Michael Moore
By William Rivers Pitt

Laramie, Wyoming? It's there. Bozeman, Montana? Indeed. Should you call home Grand Island, Lincoln or Omaha, Nebraska, you have not been forgotten. The largest mall in the country, the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, will have it in its theater. If you are a soldier at Camp Lejune or Fort Bragg, about to be shipped to Iraq, you can see it in nearby Fayetteville, North Carolina.

    These towns, large and small, along with towns large and small from sea to shining sea and straight through the American heartland, will begin screening Michael Moore's documentary, 'Fahrenheit 9/11,' beginning at 12:01a.m. Friday morning, the 25th of June, 2004. For the majority of people who will see this movie, in those towns large and small, the experience will be nothing short of a mind-bomb.

    The Who once sang about how the hypnotized never lie, but as we have seen, people hypnotized by television and deliberately enforced fear can certainly support a war, and a President, which are fundamentally at odds with basic American decency. In fact, people hypnotized by television and deliberately enforced fear will feed themselves into the meat grinder with "God Bless America" on their lips.
(article)
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History Tests and Sunday School Quizzes

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th- and 6th-grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years. I'm from Ohio. That must be part of the reason I am like I am.

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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the
Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but
the commandos made it.

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Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A
actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he
was sort of busy too.

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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is
apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic
decline.

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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and
threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

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Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.

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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that
was the end of the fighting for a long while.

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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
--------------------------------------
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes
and started smoking.
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was
very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two
cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.

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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.

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On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot
in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined
Booth's career.

--------------------------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in
his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large.

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Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote
loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in
the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died for this.

--------------------------------------
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

--------------------------------------
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
hundred men.
--------------------------------------
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
--------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was
very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really
true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches
who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

--------------------------------------
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did.
Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find
radios because they were already taken.

--------------------------------------
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family
had to have a job, I guess."
(THANKS TO ANNIE FIUME)

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Two Thirds of US Public Willing to Pay to Fight Global Warming
by Jim Lobe

WASHINGTON - More than 80 percent of the U.S. public supports pending legislation to cut the emission of greenhouse gases, while two thirds said they are willing to pay the U.S.$15 a month - or nearly $200 a year - that experts believe the legislation, the Climate Stewardship Act (CSA), will cost the average household, according to a nationwide poll released Friday.
(article)

(Note: That's $US 200.00 a year to fight global warming versus Iraq costs (so far) of $US3,500+ for each US family and £250 for each UK family. )

UNDERESTIMATING THE THREAT

Michael Oppenheimer, a professor of environmental science at Princeton University, said sea levels have risen 4 inches (9 cm) already over the past century and could rise between 4 and 40 inches (9 to 88 cm) more in the next century.
(article)
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BAD LITERATURE

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
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Where are the Women in the New Iraq?
by Swanee Hunt and Cristina Posa
 
NOW THAT the Iraqi Governing Council has been dissolved, the transitional government taking its place is being hailed as "diverse" for its multiethnic, multiconfessional representation. Yet while outsiders and Iraqi politicians are busy divvying up the future government along religious and ethnic lines, they are sidelining the single largest group of Iraqi citizens -- women, the one constituency with the potential to exert a unifying effect on the country.
(article)
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'SMORE STEPHEN WRIGHT HUMOUR

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
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RECIPE O' THE WEEK

NEW ENGLAND BOILED DINNER

I originally learned this recipe about 25 years ago from an old Time/Life American Cookbook. I made this last night. It still is a great dish and easy to prepare.

Ingredients:
4 lb corned beef
2 lb green cabbage, cored and quartered
12 -16 new potatoes, peeled
3 small carrots. scraped
12 small white onions, peeled and trimmed
6 medium beetroots
2 tables finely chopped parsley

Method:
If the corned beef has been mildly cured, use as is - otherwise, soak in water to remove some of the salt. Place the corned beef in a 6-8 pint pot and cover with enough cold water to rise at least 2 inches above the top of the meat. Bring to a boil skimming off any scum that rises to the surface. Half cover pot, turn the heat to low, barely simmering, and cook the beef for about an hour per pound. (4-6 hours, until tender) If necessary, add more water to the pot to keep meat covered.
Cook the cabbage separately in boiling salt water for about 15 minutes. The potatoes, carrots and onions may be cooked together in a pot of salted boiling water of their own. The beets need to be scrubbed, cut off the tops, leaving one inch of stem. Cover with boiling water in a separate pot and bring to the boil. Simmer from 1/2 - 1 1/2 hours until tender, let them cook a bit then remove skins.

To serve:
Slice the corned beef and arrange it along the centre of a large heated dish. Surround the meat with the vegetables and sprinkle the vegetables with chopped parsley. Horseradish, mustard and pickles make excellent accompaniments.
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