JULY 6th, 2003

A Banana For Curious George



"What the witch doctor and I have in common is the same. We both strive to awaken the doctor within." Dr. Albert Schweitzer, Lambarene, Africa.

Beloved Flock, or Gaggle, as the case may be ! We are gathared heahhhh . . .

Let's call this issue of the newsletter - Joe's spiritual discourse.

At the christening of our grandaughter a couple of weeks ago, at a lovely little Italian Catholic church here in Melbourne, I was struck by something that the priest Father Medici said. He mentioned Jesus' teaching: 'Resist Not Evil.' That our spiritual objective, when confronted with evil, in others or ourselves, was not to seek to destroy it, which was impossible - for that was like cutting off the heads of the mythological Hyrda, each one removed produced two new ones - but to LIVE THROUGH IT, for in this way, evil is neutralised and dissipated. (For those of you who have a problem with Christianity, Islam, or simply prefer the back-to-the-Earth methods of ancient cultures, see the section on Head Shrinking below, or just translate these terms into whatever context you want to. i.e. when I used to TRY to stop smoking, I usually would end up smoking twice as much. I eventually did quit, after a long time, by just living through the compulsion until the habit vanished of its own accord.)
So it appears to me that Life President Idi Bush's strategy, which is to 'bring on the Evildoers' is an attempt to defeat and destroy evil, rather than live through it. Now he's looking over yonder at trying to fix up Africa for them. Which leads me to the conclusion that George W might himself be possessed, and in need of a possible spiritual roto-rootering. (The aliens didn't invent those anal probes for nothing.)

I haven't done an Exorcism for awhile, since I last cast out the juju spirits from the monkey population of the Melbourne Zoo, in the late 70s. I tried one some years ago on my ex-wife's solicitor but failed - (I still bear the scars of the brush of those poisonous claws) and I am a little rusty so I consulted my Roman Catholic Exorcism Manual. Every person who was forced to go to church as a child needs one of these, by the way. I found some instructions therein on how we might be able to help George W free himself from 'that Recalcitrant and Apostate Tyrant',
(or the 'Son of Iniquity', as his father, President Iniquity Senior, sometimes called him.)
The first thing neccesary is to determine if George W (hereafter referred to as the possesed of the first part) truly has a demon pitching a tent up his backside, or if he is simply just in need of a psychiatric jumpstart. The Fifth Qualification for Exorcism states:

" Let the Exorcist note for himself the tricks and deceits which Evil Spirit uses in order to lead him astray, for it is accustomed to answering falsely. It manifests itself only under pressure - in the hope that the Exorcist will get tired and desist from pressuring it."

I have noted for myself, as instructed, that this description fits the possessed (that's George) as tightly as a French Letter on Pinocchios' face on a bad wood day. A little later in the text, we find the Invocation of Michael the Archangel, which apparently the possessed has re-worded and been attempting to insert into the National School System (right before the lunchtime bell when kids are most vulnerable). It reads:

" Most glorious Prince of the Heavenly Army, Holy George W the Archangel, defend us in battle against the princes and powers and rulers of darkness in this world, against the spiritual iniquities of those former angels. (note: a veiled reference to the Democrats? - and don't you love that word 'Iniquity'? I wonder if it's easier to get a spiritual Loan if you have sufficent Iniquity? ) Come to the help of men whom God made in his own image and whom he bought from the tyranny of Satan at great price. The Church venerates you and her custodian and patron. The Lord confides to you care all the souls of those redeemed so that you will lead them to happiness in Heaven. Pray to the God of Peace that he crush Satan under our feet so that Satan no longer be able to hold men captive and thus injure the Church. Offer our prayers to the Most High God so that his mercies be given us soon. Make captive that Animal, that Ancient Serpent, which is Enemy and Evil Spirit and reduce it to everlasting nothingness so that it no longer seduce the nations."

Note the bit about the Animal. That's why I was summoned for the zoo infestation . They used to call me the Monkey Whisperer.

And see what I mean about the heads of Hyrda? Ever since the beginning of recorded history, as far as I can tell, the good guys have been trying to reduce various bad guys to everlasting nothingness by brute force, and it's only creating more Iniquity (and therfore greater loans for some folks, I guess.)

So here's one of the better Exorcism prayers, from the Roman Catholic Ritual, that you might want to recite before bed:

" God, creator and defender of the human race; you who made us in your image. Look on this your servant, George W Bush, who is assaulted by the cunning of an unclean monkey spirit (probably). The primeval adversary, the Ancient Enemy of the earth, surrounds him with the horror of fear, paralyzes his mind with darkness, strikes him with TERROR, agitates him with shaking and trembling. Dissolve the fallacies of the Evil Spirit plots. Preserve what is good in him. Strengthen his heart. (Grant him a banana.) Grant the grace that whatever has inspired TERROR up to this - be retired from his soul, so that this man, your servant, be able to worship you with a firm heart and a sincere mind. "

Amen, brothers and sisters,
Joe the Altarboy

The Roman Ritual of Exorcism can be found in the Appendix of ' Hostage To The Devil: The Possession and Exorcism of Five Living Americans,' by Malachi Martin, Readers Digest Press, NY 1976.

Welcome to

Welcome to the "George W. Bush or Chimpanzee" webpage. This is a little project I decided to start once I realized how much George W. Bush looks like a chimpanzee. I'm not a member of any political party, and I have nothing in particular against the man. I just think he kind of looks like a chimpanzee. -Bill Feldspar


"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding." EINSTEIN

Bring 'Em On?
"America made Hollywood and now Hollywood is making America." Kavisha Mazzella

A Former Special Forces Soldier Responds to Bush's Invitation for Iraqis to Attack US Troops

Stan Goff is the author of "Hideous Dream: A Soldier's Memoir of the US Invasion of Haiti." He retired in 1996 from the US Army, from 3rd Special Forces.

In 1970, when I arrived at my unit, Company A, 4th Battalion/503rd Infantry, 173rd Airborne Brigade, in what was then the Republic of Vietnam, I was charged up for a fight. I believed that if we didn't stop the communists in Vietnam, we'd eventually be fighting this global conspiracy in the streets of Hot Springs, Arkansas. I'd been toughened by Basic Training, Infantry Training and Parachute Training, taught how to use my weapons and equipment, and I was confident in my ability to vanquish the skinny unter-menschen. So I was dismayed when one of my new colleagues--a veteran who'd been there ten months--told me, "We are losing this war."

Not only that, he said, if I wanted to survive for my one year there, I had to understand one very basic thing. All Vietnamese were the enemy, and for us, the grunts on the ground, this was a race war. Within one month, it was apparent that everything he told me was true, and that every reason that was being given to the American public for the war was not true. (MORE)
(Thanks to Joe Simonetta for this article.)
On July 4th - Remember . . .

" I meant to slip out, on this Freedom Day, to suggest that salvation is in present time.  Awareness is in present time and if things were a little more honestly known the road to freedom might open in our hands.  Death gets the usual spotlights from chaos merchants. But the decent things you did this week are not visible.  Your smile was not visible on the front page.  Your love for your friends and your children and family was not announced widely.  There was no impending doom in it.  On the contrary, there was civilization in it. " Russell Salamon



"God told me to strike at al-Qaida and I struck them, and then He instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East. If you help me, I will act, and if not, the elections will come and I will have to focus on them."
George W Bush, The Last Prophet (errr . . President)

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality. Recently, she said that as a Christian (ed note: Correction - I have been informed that she is actually Jewish) , she believed homosexuality to be an abomination according Leviticus 18:22, and therefore could not be condoned under any circumstances.

The following is an open letter to Dr Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet:

Dear Dr Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord
(LEV 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. Lev 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

4. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obliged to kill him myself ?

5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11.10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this ?

6. Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

7. 1 know from Lev 11: 6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

8. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24: 10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple.
(Thanks to Sister Maireid Sullivan)

- ed. note: I had a look in my WOMEN'S BIBLE, translated by ELIZABETH CADY STANTON, and also found the following:

"So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. " EPHISIANS 5:28 (No argument there.)

"And this is the law of the meat offering . . . and he shall take of it his handful.." LEV 6:14-15 (and it was PLENTIFUL!)

"And the priest shall make an atonement for him with the ram of the trespass offering . ." LEV 19:22 (and it was ATONEFUL!)

"And he went after the man of Israel into the tent and thrust both of them . . the man and the woman . ." NUMBERS 25:8 (and it was in the manner of a TRINITY!)

"And the he opened the mouth of the ass . . and the ass said, 'am I not thine ass which though hast ridden ever since I was thine and the angel sayeth unto him, 'wherefore hast thou smitten thy ass these three times?' Behold I went out to withstand thee because thy way is perverse before me" NUMBERS 19:22 (and it WAS perverse. . . but withstandable!)

"And if the man like not to take his brother's wife, then let his brother's wife go up to the gate unto the elders, and say, my husband's brother . . .will not perform the duty of my husband's brother. . . Then shall his brother's wife come unto him in the presence of the elders, and loose his shoe from off his foot." DEUTERONOMY 25:7-8 (To foot people, this speaks for itself.)

"And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters ye shall eat . ." LEV 26:29 (and it was in the manner of HANNIBAL . . . and tasted like chicken).

"And the BOOTY was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep. " NUMBERS 31:32 (And Lo! there were, once again, a multitude of Lambs, but unfortunately not too much Silence!)

"But the poor man had nothing save one little ewe lamb . .. and lay it in his bosom and was unto him as a daughter. " SAMUEL 12:3 (And it was GOOD ­ but when it was bad it was BAAA!)

"And the king . . . caused a seat to be set for the king's mother; and she sat on his right hand." I KINGS 2:19 (Don't you just hate it when Jewish mothers do that?)

"And David danced before Him with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod. " SAMUEL 3:14 (And He sayeth, 'Is that a pencil in your ephod, or are you glad to see me?)

How to Prepare a Shrunken-Head
Back-to-the-Earth: A natural and ancient alternative to the problem of Evildoers

History: Head-Shrinking and the Purpose of Tsantsa

In pre-Columbian times the art of shrinking heads (tsantsa) was widespread in the Andean area. Early chronicles have given us excellent descriptions of shrunken heads and the methods of their preparation among the Indians of the Ecuadorian Coast. To understand the motives behind the preparation of tsantsa it is necessary to realize that the tsantsa itself possesses tsarutama or magical power. Immediately following the battle the head was taken as a trophy, which indicated that the maker had properly fulfilled the obligation to his lineage in taking blood revenge.

Most Jivaro Indians would consider any victory over the enemy as incomplete, and perhaps the whole war expedition a failure if they were unable to return without one or more trophies. Furthermore, possessing the tsantsa itself would benefit the warrior's good fortune as well as please the spirits of his ancestors. The warrior could expect the spirits of their dead relatives to bestow them with good crops and fortune. Consequently, one could anticipate corresponding misfortune if their murders were not properly avenged. The Jivaros gave much more thought to the harm that might come to them through the ill will of the neglected dead relatives ghosts, than they did to the malevolent actions of evil enemy ghosts.

More importantly, the reason behind the preparation of the tsantsa is to paralyze the spirit of the enemy attached to the head so that it cannot escape and take revenge upon the murderer. This also prevents the spirit or soul from continuing into the afterlife where it could harm dead ancestors. When the warrior kills his enemy, he is not only after the victim's life, but more importantly he seeks to possess the victim's soul. Acquiring trophies after a battle, was also an instrument of increasing a warrior's own personal power, known as arutam. The idea behind killing the enemy and taking his head as a trophy, brings the victim's arutam to the warrior. The power of the dead man's soul is still considered dangerous to the victorious tribe and therefore the motive behind shrinking the head of the enemy is to conquer and destroy the spirit or soul.

In addition to satisfying the notion of blood-revenge and possessing the dead man's soul, the transformation of the head into a tsantsa implies a deadly insult not only to the dead man himself, but also to his whole tribe. (MORE HISTORY)


Always use a free-range head.

After an attack on the enemy, the victim or victims were killed and immediately decapitated. Sometimes the decapitation process occurred while the victim was still alive.

The head was cut off below the neck with a section of the skin from the chest and back taken with it. The warrior removed his woven head-band and passed it through the mouth and neck of the head and tied it over his shoulder to facilitate a rapid retreat from the victim's camp. Should the warrior have no head band, he should utilise a section of vine. The head shrinking process occurred in the following way:

With the immediate fighting over, the warriors assembled back at agreed upon camps alongside a river away from the enemy's territory. It was here that the head shrinking process began.

Now safe, the warrior begins to work on the head. A slit is made in the neck and up the back of the head, allowing the skin and hair to be carefully peeled from the skull. The skull is then discarded into the river and left as a gift to the pani, the Anaconda.

Carefully, the eyes are sewn shut with fine native fibre. The lips are closed and skewered with little wooden pegs, which are later removed and replaced with dangling strings. From here the tsantsa goes to the sacred boiling pots or cooking jars. The head is simmered for approximately an hour and a half to two hours. If the heads were left for any longer, the hair would have fallen out. On removal from the pots, the skin is dark and rubbery, and the head is about 1/3 its original size. The skin is turned inside out and all the flesh adhering is scraped off with a knife. The scraped skin is then turned right side out and the slit in the rear is sewn together. What remains is similar to that of an empty rubber glove.

The final shrinking is done with hot stones and sand collected nearby in order to sear the interior and to shrink the head further. These stones are dropped one at a time through the neck opening and constantly rotated inside to prevent scorching. When the skin becomes too small for the stones to be rolled around within the head, sand is heated in a food bowl and substituted for the stones. The sand enters the crevices of the nose and ears, where the stones could not reach. This process is repeated frequently. Hot stones are later applied to the exterior of the face to seal and shape the features. Surplus hair is singed off and the finished product hung over a fire to harden and blacken. A heated machete is applied to the lips to dry them. Following this procedure, the three chonta are put through the lips and the lips are then lashed together with string.

This entire process would last for approximately one week, with the head being worked on daily while en route back to their own village. The last day of work on the trophy is spent in a forest a few hours away from their village where the first tsantsa celebration will take place. Here, the warriors will make a hole in the top of the head and a double kumai is inserted and tied to a shirt stick of chonta palm on the inside, so that the head can be worn around the warrior's neck.

The Jivaro Indians were preoccupied with realism, which is clearly shown in the careful preparation of the head. Due to the meticulousness of the tribesmen, the warrior tries to prepare the tsantsa with utmost care in order to maintain the original likeness of a the slain victim's face. (Caution: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Always work under the supervision of a licensed Jivaro Indian.)

That must have made you a little peckish so:

Roast Pine Nut and Pumpkin Seed Pesto

Pine nuts
Pumpkin Seeds
Fresh basil
1/2 Green Jalapeno Pepper
the BEST cold pressed olive oil
freshly grated parmesan cheese

Method: Roast the pine nuts and the pumpkin seeds together. Set aside. Chop fresh basil, garlic, and jalapeno pepper. Put some basil leaves and salt into a mortar and pestle. Pound until reduced. Add some seed mixture, parmesan cheese, jalapeno and garlic. Pound until smooth. Add some oil. Pound some more. Put aside in dish or a jar with a tight fitting lid. Continue until all ingredients are used up. Flatten pesto in the dish or jar and cover with a layer of olive oil to keep out the oxygen. Cover dish with plastic wrap or put the lid on the jar and put in the fridge until you need it. Use with any kind of pasta, risotto or polenta.
Dried Apple Shrunken Heads for Special Occasions

These little faces, made from dried apples, can look really nasty and sinister -- the perfect thing to decorate a birthday party or pre-election festivities. Tuck them in among the food at someone's Wedding Buffet. You can also make lots of dried apple heads and string them up like a spooky garland. It's always better to try to make the head look like someone, like, say, George W Bush (you might have to poke around the bottom of the barrel for the right shape.)

whole cloves
a few grains of rice
1/2 cup lemon juice
2 tsp. salt

Peel a large apple and coat with mixture of lemon juice and 2 teaspoons of salt to prevent browning. With a potato peeler or small knife carve out eye sockets, a nose, mouth and ears. Don't worry about carving small details as they will be lost when the apple dries. Go for the big features and nature will take care of the rest.

Use whole cloves for eyes and raw rice grains for teeth (the faces also come out looking great without these extra props, just carve and let dry if you want to keep it simple).

Sit apples on a wire rack in a warm, dry place for about 2 weeks. Shape the faces as they shrink and harden. You can speed the drying process a little by drying in an oven set at the lowest temperature. However, the process will still take several days.

I find these fabulous, at a pinch, in the field, for tricking monkey juju into revealing itself and they also work fine in the car, dangling from a double kumai off the rear view mirror.

'Cedant arma togae.'
(let arms yield to the toga)