Hi folks,

I apologise for missing last week's newsletter without some advance warning. I was away for a couple of days, with my partner Lin, celebrating our twenty-seventh anniversary (that's 3.5 dog years for all you canine lovers). By the time we got back to Doghouse Central, time had slipped away and I really didn't want to send out any ol' bow wow rush job, with no bite, just to hit my barking deadline, so I thought a little more R & R with my chewtoy was best.

But now I'm woofin' again.

The Bleach Boys

How many times have we read in recent years about the musical genius of Brian Wilson and the Bleach Boys? And how the album Pet Sounds was such a masterpiece, produced in response to Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (voted the Worst Album of All Time in a BBC poll recently, by the way) - and its bloomin' creative EQUAL!

Now: Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

(1) The BBC has its head up its arse, and
(2) Pet Sounds is NOT a good album and not even in the same ballpark as Sgt Pepper, which is a conceptual masterpiece.

I happen to like a lot of the Bleach Boys songs, particularly 'Wouldn't It Be Nice?' and of course, 'Good Vibrations', and a few others, but personally, I can't bear 'Pet Sounds' at all, if you want to know the truth (which I'm sure you do.) I've bought it twice and sold at yard sales twice. It only has two excellent songs, 'In My Room', and 'God Only Knows' - the latter of which, although brilliantly sung, has an atrociously written middle section that is best left out. 'God Only Knows' is now the theme song to the great tv series about a Mormon polygamous menage á quatre, 'Big Love,' and the producers, in fact, wisely omit the middle section of the song. There is no way that Lennon-McCartney would have let that kind of lazy writing stand for a middle-eight.

And why all this belated reverence for Brian Wilson? I know he is slightly damaged. But so were most of the artists from those days. Damaged was the default setting of the early 70s. Those were the options for musos: dead or damaged. People must have short memories, deep fried memories . . . or no memories, more like.

Although The Bleach Boys had many hit records, some great, many more not so good - and Brian Wilson DID have a progressive vision, as far as pop harmony arrangement (counter-point) and production (massive vocal multi-tracking) - The Bleach Boys, as a group, were actually the musical equivalent to 'Baywatch' in the late 60s. They were the voice of college fraternities and sororities, drunken party crashers, football jocks, cheerleaders, surfers and the body and beach culture of my youth. The In Crowd. Buffed up and Bimbo'd. Much like the majority of mainstream pop music is today. The Bleach Boys also recorded literally hundreds of utterly forgettable songs. Remember some of these killers: Amusement Parks USA, Be True to Your School, Car Crazy Cutie, Catch a Wave, Cherry Cherry Coupe, Custom Machine, A Day in the Life of a Tree, Disney Girls, Do You Like Worms?, Girls on the Beach, Johnny Carson, Keep an Eye on Summer, Keepin' the Summer Alive, Little Honda, Little Surfer Girl, and many many less.

On the other hand, the folk-rock alternative music scene of the late 60s - ie The Out Crowd - where the real artistic musical golems were germinating - did not work out at gyms, employ personal trainers or go to the beach. Ever. Many did not even go out into the daylight. I mean: are we talking pecs when we think of The Band (Robbie Robertson, Garth Hudson?) - or the singing bodybuilder, Bob Dylan? What about Janis Joplin in a bikini? Do you think she had a Brazilian Wax? More like a Brazilian Jungle, I would think, including gibbons, tapirs and entire pygmy tribes. Did Jimi Hendrix have a six-pack under his Are You Experienced t-shirt? Or an LSD-pack? Do you think Nico ever put suntan lotion on Lou Reed? What about the Mamas and the Papas . . . (Michelle Philips was an exception. She looked like a Model. I don't know how she snuck by the Goofy Police.) John Philips was a complete nerd. Come on. How would Mama Cass have fared on American Idol? Three Stars or Four Sandwiches? And who, besides The Bleach Boys, Jan and Dean, Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello, even went to the beach . . . much less surfed? Eric Burdon and the Sand Animals? The Rolling Surf Stones - Keith 'Hang Ten' Richard? (The one time they dragged Keith to the beach, he tried to snort the sand.)
What about here in Australia?
AC-Fucking-Surfing-DC? Daddy Beach Blanket Bingo Cool? Could Ross Hannaford surf a Pipeline? Or was that a pipe and a line? What about Surfhooks? True, Shirl had some muscles. (But Red ordered the clams.) The irony is, most of the weird looking male rock stars of the 60s and 70s all perved after and ended up marrying MODELS! Where's that at? Must have been the drugs. And even now most of the survivors are lusting to be friggin' Knights of the Realm. John Lennon would be turning over in his Urn. You see what has happened to music today. The main stream music and film industry, in yet another re-make of the 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers', has returned beach culture to us via the Pod People of today's pop and movie stars. And country music is fatally infected, too. Big teeth, fat lips, fake tits, tight ass and muscled hip-hop bands are priorities in the charts. All gift-wrapped in conver belts of mindless and, for the most part, meaningless, tattoos and piercings. In Elvis's heyday, only crims, bikies, soldiers and circus people had tattoos. Tattoos (also known as 'cartoons' by bouncers) meant trouble. . . or they were allegedly employed for Spiritual Protection, (by the obviously Spiritually Unprotected.) Piercing, meant ears, of course, unless you were a Zulu. (I thought about getting a tattoo myself but I decided to wait until I can afford the entire circus.)

Perhaps this perky Artistic Beach-Thing is Cyclical (one can only hope) and all this Buffed-up Sunlight of the Living Dead of the Soul, at the last stroke of midnight, will dissolve back into The-White-Flour-From-Whence-It-Came and be carried off by the Ghost of Hurricane Janis.

The Bleach Boys, and everything they represented in White Bread America, were totally obliterated by the alternative music explosion ignited by The Beatles, the Animals, the Yardbirds, the Who, the Stones, Jefferson Airplane, Jimi Hendrix and a million freaks - but all this had been fermenting long before that, in Greenwich Village and Cape Cod beatnik-hippy folk singers and the social and political activists of the late 50s and 60s. During the Love Generation, the Many became the One for an oh-so-brief time, with the Flower-Power People in the parks, and the Wallflowers-With-Guitars People, who had been sitting in those coffee houses, finally emerging into the Light. But now, it seems, Surf boards have morphed back into Skateboards, the folkies are taking refuge in the cappuccino machines of folk festivals, and the One has dissolved back into the Fragmented.

So, for all of you, out there amongst the Splintered Many, who just can't figure out how to fit your big folkin' musical Waterhead into the cultural machinery- keep FOCUSED, those of you who haven't become sucked into a Pod yet. There's still a lot of fermenting going on under the surf-fest. The sticky wheels of yeast are moving, slowly, but inexorably.

FAVOURITE LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Hi Joe.
 I continue to enjoy your newsletter greatly. It's far better than the one that tells me about cheap flights on old aeroplanes with not enough room for people my height . . . Many thanks, Derek Guille

(Note: Derek, have you had a look at The Tall Person's Club ?
This site includes Skytrax , which has a seating section with listings of seat pitches for most airlines around the world, reviews of airlines' seating and tips for the best seats for many airlines and the specific planes they use. Here are some tall person jokes for you:

* Confucius say: Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
* "Tis better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall.
* I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more of you to dislike.
* You know, I ain't this tall. I'm just sitting on my wallet.)
* Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.

What an amazing bloke you are, Joe!
RE: Showdown at Kruger National Park

To think you were sitting on this masterpiece and resisting the temptation to SCREAM out and tell the whole world about it! Somewhere on the YouTube comments below the screen, one viewer has written words to the effect that it is the greatest video on YouTube. How right that viewer is. 
There will NEVER be a more VITAL and absolutely ABSORBING 8 minutes, ANYWHERE.
A thousand thanks. Kindest as ever, Dai Woosnam

(Note: Ok, Dai, I can't resist any longer! Here is the link, folks, and make sure you stay tuned until the very end for the surprise finish!
Showdown at Kruger National Park
(Thanks to Safari Stefan Abeysekera)

A Doctor's Nuclear Terror

Letters to the Editor
The Sunday Age
20 June

Dear Sir,

Our participation in the 'war on terror' causes me mild anxiety, but I am truly terrified by the prospect of a full scale nuclear industry in Australia. That's what we'll get if the present federal government is re-elected, judging by recent statements from John Howard and Resources Minister Macfarlane. Given the known involvement of big business and a positive report from a hand-picked committee ­ headed, of course, by the PM's favourite nuclear physicist ­ be assured that progress to that dreadful end is proceeding apace, if quietly. We the punters are the objects of a mighty PR scam currently being run by the industry, talking up the prospects of their lucrative faustian bargain and talking down the alternatives.

Nuclear power is not the answer to global warming. It's anything but that, and will compound the already dire situation we are facing. The electricity generated is not 'clean and green' as the industry claims, since huge amounts of fossil fuels are needed to mine and refine the uranium, to construct the massive concrete reactors, and to transport & store the toxic radioactive waste. Large amounts of the now banned CFCs, 10-20,000 times more efficient at trapping atmospheric heat than CO2 and potent destroyers of the ozone layer, are emitted during uranium enrichment. The supply of uranium is very limited, and as the grade of available uranium ore declines even more fossil fuel will be required to extract it.

Even smoothly running nuclear reactors routinely emit hundreds of thousands of curies of radioactive gases and other toxic elements into the environment annually. Thousands of tons of intensely radioactive waste are accumulating in the cooling pools beside hundreds of reactors throughout the world; they must inevitably contaminate the environment and human food chains, leading to epidemics of cancer, leukaemia and genetic disease for countless generations to come. There is still no safe way to store radioactive waste, especially for the mind-blowing time scales involved ­ hundreds of thousands of years; orders of magnitude greater than the possible duration of any civilization. Plutonium, just one by-product of nuclear reactors, remains radioactive for half a million years and is the fuel for nuclear bombs. If inhaled, less than one millionth of a gram will cause lung cancer. Once inside the body it selectively triggers leukaemia and cancers of bone, liver and testicle, and it is highly teratogenic. 2kg of plutonium will make an effective atomic bomb, and there are now hundreds of tons of it lying around the world, some of it relatively unguarded.

Nuclear power is exorbitantly expensive and notoriously unreliable. Wall St is most reluctant to re-initiate any nuclear investment (after the tragic meltdowns of Chernobyl and Three Mile Island), despite massive US Government subsidies. Chernobyl is a medical and economic catastrophe that will plague much of Russia, Belarus, the Ukraine and Europe for the rest of time. In Britain 28 years later and 1500 miles from the accident, 382 farms containing 226,500 sheep are severely restricted because levels of Cesium 137 in the meat are too high. In Belarus from 1986-2001, 8358 cases of thyroid cancer occurred, with more than 1000 in children and adolescents, something previously unheard of. Information on the spread of radiation after Three Mile Island has been suppressed, but 145,000 people packed up and fled, jamming the highways. Local physicians fled with their families, leaving their hospital patients to fend for themselves.

Nuclear power plants are obvious targets for terrorists, inviting assault by plane, truck bomb, armed attack or covert control room intrusion. In England soon after 9/11, Greenpeace commissioned studies to examine the results of an aerial attack on the Sellafield nuclear complex. To their horror, they discovered that 3.5 million people could be killed, and sat on these reports for a year, uncertain whether to release them; one scenario described a radioactive fireball a mile high. It would take only a four minute diversion from regular jumbo jet flight paths, and twenty five times as much radiation as emitted from Chernobyl would be released.

The good news is that in 2004, worldwide renewable energy sources (excluding hydroelectricity from large dams) added 509 times the capacity contributed by nuclear power. They already dwarf the annual growth of nuclear power generation ­ by 2010 they should add 177 times more capacity than nuclear power provides. For a very well-researched and lucid account of the alarming facts behind current attempts to revive this until recently moribund industry, read Dr Helen Caldicott's little book "Nuclear Power is Not the Answer to Global Warming, or anything else."

Not for nothing is uranium called 'the metal of menace'. It's bad enough that we push the stuff; must we have it rammed down our throats by troglodyte politicians in thrall to the big end of town? At times one yearns for leadership; our present leaders have been lamentably slow in facing up to climate change. At others, their rush to make appalling decisions is breathtaking. It is no small irony that having for years denied climate change, John Howard now uses it to justify going nuclear. Facing a watershed election, we should all consider carefully the unending terror of a nuclear industry in this country. Dr Rod Anderson, Sandringham
(thanks to Bigruss)

Favourite Newsletter Removal Request of the Week
From: PE.  RE: UNSUBSCRIBE
I don't know how I ended up on this mailing list. But could you please remove me from it as the internet police at my work are watching, and don't like this sort of thing! Thanks.

(Note: Memo from the Australian Internet Police Department.
Dear Mr PE.,
Unfortunately, even though you have chosen to delete this newsletter at this time, our office has had our digital eye tracking you and your workmates for some time and will be coming to your workplace today with a Warrant for your detention and transport to Guantanamo Bay. I personally have been the chief detective in charge of sifting through your deleted emails and have pieced together a compelling case linking you and your office workers to an international Peace-Creep-Lefty-Tree-Hugging Ring of Perverts who download and distribute pictures of very Small Trees - that's right: two and three year old saplings, under the legal tree-hugging age. We have tracked your ring to a West German garden nursery, recently busting up a monthly meeting in the shadows of a newly planted freeway overpass where several dozen young chestnut saplings were being hugged inappropriately. The jig is up, sir, and soon you and your like will be behind chicken wire in a hothouse where you belong. Sincerely, Detective Joe Dofus, Melbourne Internet Police - Gardening Division)

FUEL

World Oil Supplies Are Set to Run Out Faster Than Expected
By Daniel Howden
The Independent UK

Scientists challenge major review of global reserves and warn that supplies will start to run out in four years' time.

Scientists have criticised a major review of the world's remaining oil reserves, warning that the end of oil is coming sooner than governments and oil companies are prepared to admit. BP's Statistical Review of World Energy, published yesterday, appears to show that the world still has enough "proven" reserves to provide 40 years of consumption at current rates. The assessment, based on officially reported figures, has once again pushed back the estimate of when the world will run dry.
However, scientists led by the London-based Oil Depletion Analysis Centre, say that global production of oil is set to peak in the next four years before entering a steepening decline which will have massive consequences for the world economy and the way that we live our lives.
According to "peak oil" theory our consumption of oil will catch, then outstrip our discovery of new reserves and we will begin to deplete known reserves. (article)

Biofuels Could Lead to Mass Hunger Deaths
By Stephanie Nebehay
Reuters

Geneva - Diverting sugar and maize for biofuels could lead to hundreds of thousands of deaths from hunger worldwide, the United Nations' food envoy warned on Thursday. Jean Ziegler, U.N. special rapporteur on the right to food, accused the European Union (EU), Japan and the United States of "total hypocrisy" for promoting biofuels to cut their own dependency on imported oil. Fears over climate change have boosted the demand for alternative fuels in wealthy countries, but the rise of biofuel has been criticized by some who say it will put a squeeze on land needed for food.
"There is a great danger for the right to food by the development of biofuels," Ziegler told a news briefing held on the sidelines of the U.N. Human Rights Council.
"It (the price) will be paid perhaps by hundreds of thousands of people who will die from hunger," he added. (article)

Favourite Spam Subject Heading of the Week
Subject: There are two sources of cholesterol: Food and Family.

(Note: So what's the 'cholesterol test' then for excessive family levels? Bleeding from the eyes? And how does one avoid poly-unsaturated arguments with the kids? Can we choose low-fat Mother-in-law? And spread our toast with 'I can't believe it isn't Father?')

"ART is Just Short for Arthur" Keith Richards

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I figure I had nothing Toulouse.)
(thanks to Bill Lempke)

THE ALBINO SQUIRREL PRESERVATION SOCIETY

If you are at bit of a loose end and would like to devote some of your vast free time to a charitable cause, and if saving a whale or a tree, adopting yet another African child, or Amnesty International seems a bit trendy these days, you might try this organization, whose motto is: "In the constant pursuit of albino squirrel rights." Instructions onsite on how to start your own local chapter. website

The Laws of Sex

"Georgia, Georgia,
Statute 6 -16 -2
Just an old state Felony keeps
Georgia up my behind.

Other butt cheeks reach out to me
Other brown eyes smile tenderly
Still in jailhouse dreams
I see the Crisco leads back to you.

Georgia, Georgia,
Statute 6 -16 -2
Just an old state Felony keeps
Georgia up my behind."

In Georgia until 1998 oral sex even between husband and wife was punishable by 20 years in prison. Georgia Sodomy Laws

* Places where oral sex is illegal: Alabama, Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Mississippi, Georgia, North and South Carolina, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, Utah, Virginia and Washington D.C.
* An erection that shows through a man's clothing is illegal in: Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Indiana, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Nebraska, Nevada, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Washington D.C. and Wisconsin.
* In Georgia those charged and convicted for either oral or anal sex can be sentenced to no less than one year and no more than 20 years imprisonment.
* In Missouri sexually deviant behavior between people of the same sex is classified as a class A misdemeanor.
* In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a tollbooth.
* In Nevada it is illegal to have sex without a condom.
* In Willowdale, Oregon it is against the law for a husband to talk to dirty in his wife's ear during sex.
* In Clinton, Oklahoma it is illegal to masturbate while watching two people have sex in a car.
* In Washington State there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances.
* In Newcastle, Wyoming it is illegal to have sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.
* In Washington D.C. there is a law against having sex in any position other than face to face.
* In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on Kingsville airport property.
* In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal for mooses to have sex on the city sidewalks.
* In Ventura County cats and dogs may not have sex without a permit.

(Note: In other words, in America, a truckie, driving interstate, and possessing the valid permit, can legally watch a pig wearing a condom, [as long as it has no visible erection through its pig pants,] talk dirty to a moose who is not a virgin, in a tollbooth, while giving oral to a dog, and shlepping it doggy-style with a cat, as long as it's not on the sidewalk through the butcher shop meat freezer at the Kingsville airport.)

World Hot-Dog Eater Suffers Professional Injury
Agence France-Presse

Tokyo: A Japanese man who set a world record by wolfing down dozens of hot dogs within minutes has suffered a severe jaw injury due to his rigorous training, making his next title uncertain. Takeru "Tsunami'' Kobayashi said he can only open his mouth to make a gap the size of a fingertip after being diagnosed with jaw arthritis. In an entry on his blog entitled "Occupational hazard,'' Kobayashi said: "My jaw refused to fight any more.''
The injury occurred only a week after the slender 29-year-old started training to win his seventh straight title at the annual July 4 Nathan's Famous hot dog eating event on New York's Coney Island.
"I feel ashamed that I couldn't notice the alarm bells set off by my own body,'' he said.
"But with the goal to win another title with a new record, I couldn't stop my training so close to the competition.
"I was continuing my training and bearing with the pain but finally I destroyed my jaw.''
Kobayashi, who has become a niche celebrity in Japan and the United States, had already halted his competitive eating activities for several months due to mourning after his mother's death earlier this year. But he said he still wanted to go to the competition in New York.
"I want to be the pride of my mother,'' he said in the blog entry posted on Sunday.
Last year, Kobayashi put down a world-record 53 and three-quarters hot dogs in just 12 minutes. In addition to the Nathan's Famous titles, he holds world records for scoffing cows' brains and rice balls. In 2004, he founded the United Food Fighters Organisation in hopes of making people take competitive eating seriously as a sport. Despite Japanese people's reputation as moderate eaters, Kobayashi helped to turn competitive eating into a television sensation with "food fighters'' downing everything from sushi to cakes. But Japanese television began to shy away from such contests after a 14-year-old junior high school student choked to death in 2002 trying to imitate competitive eating during school lunch. (article)
(Thanks to Stefan Abeysekera)

RECIPE

Goulash Pie (with Brandy and Star Anise)

This dish actually arose as a collaboration between my partner Lin Van Hek and I. She made her secret goulash recipe last night. This morning I took some of it and put it in one of my guanciale crusts and came up with a groovy pie. In this variation, I'm using a goulash made with star anise and brandy. Make the goulash and pie dough a day in advance so everything will be nice and chilled when you assemble it.

Goulash with Brandy and Star Anise
Olive oil
1 1/2 kg beef, thickly diced
1 onion, halved and sliced
3 lemon grass stalks, white part, cut in halves
4 whole star anise
medium piece fresh ginger, cut in quarters
750 ml beef stock
125 ml brandy
70 g tomato paste
4 carrots, peeled and cut into large chunks
salt
optional: 2 tbles cornflour

Heat oil in fry pan until smoking. Cook beef until brown. Transfer to crockpot. Add onion, lemon grass, star anise, and ginger to fry pan and toss for about 10 minutes. Transfer to crockpot with beef stock, brandy and tomato paste. Bring to boil, lower to simmer and cook on low heat for about 3-4 hours, or until beef is tender. Add the carrots and salt to taste and cook for a further 1 -2 hours. Add more beef stock if necessary and at the end of the cooking time, if the sauce hasn't already thickened naturally, mix the cornflour with a little water and stir into the goulash. Remove the lemon grass, star anise and ginger and discard. At this point you can either serve some of the goulash as it is, with rice or potatoes, for dinner, and put the rest in the fridge for tomorrow's pie, or else put the entire pan in the fridge overnight.

Guanciale Pie Crust
2 cups flour
1/2 cup reduced fat from a thick chunk of guanciale (guanicale is cured pig's cheek, found at Italian butchers, or you can used some melted lard)
water
egg (for egg wash)

Reduce the guanciale slowly over low heat until 1/2 cup of fat is released. Discard the solid bits (I usually munch on them, while cooking, with a glass of red.) Make a well in the centre of the flour and stir in the reduced guanciale fat. Mix with your hands until crumbly. Gradually add a little water at a time and continue kneading until the dough is smooth and shiny. Divide into two pieces - one about 3/4 of the bulk and the other 1/4 (the lid). Cover with plastic wrap and put in the fridge overnight.

Next day, preheat the oven to 180 C. Use a small pie pan (4-5 inches across), with a removable bottom, or some other bowl shaped container that you can put in the oven. Thoroughly grease the inside of the pan with butter. Roll out the larger piece of dough until it is about a 3/8 inch thick and will fit in the pan and come up to the top. Gently lower the rolled dough into the dish and press into place. Cover with plastic wrap and chill for about an hour.

Remove the plastic wrap, put some foil in the pan and some beans or pastry weights and blind bake for about ten minutes. Remove the foil and beans. Fill the crust with the goulash so that it mounds in the centre and comes to the rim of the crust. Roll out the smaller piece of dough into a lid that will overhang the casserole and place it on top of the pie, tucking in the edges and press with your fingertips to make a good seal. Brush with an egg wash to help with the seal and create a nice golden top. Make a small hole in the centre to let some steam out. Place the pie on the centre shelf of the oven and bake uncovered for about 25-35 minutes or longer depending on the depth of the pie. Remember, the bottom crust has been blind baked already, and the goulash is cooked too, so you only need to brown the upper crust and heat the contents sufficiently. (If the top crust browns too quickly, place a little foil over the pie until it is heated through.)

THE FINAL HURRAH

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
 Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
 Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
 Tiger says, "You play golf?"
 Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
 Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him.
 Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."
 Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
 Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
 Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
 
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
(thanks to Jim Testa)