With The Va Fanculo Code, Dan Browneye masterfully concocts an intelligent and tongue-tied thriller that marries the gusto of an international television evangelical rally with a collection of fascinating abattoiria culled from 2,000 years of Republican toilet paper memorabilia.
A sinister cunnilingus in the silent after-hour
halls of the White House reveals a plot to uncover a secret that
has been protected by a clandestine society, since the days of
Richard M Nixon. The victim is a high-ranking agent of this ancient
society, 'Opus Dei Dohn Impeach Us', who, in the moments
before his final Mel Gibson-style self-flagellation, manages to
leave gruesome clues at the scene written in his own lipstick.
His body is found laid out in five symbolic Olympic Game style
peace signs at the foot of the framed Declaration of Independence.
Only his granddaughter, noted French game show host, Sophie Fredomfri,
and Tom Cruiton, the famed Anthro-Scientologist, can untangle
him from his suspender belt. The two find several half completed
crossword puzzles at the crime scene, all of which form an quasi-Easter
Egg style hunt to the site of the fabled Holy Quail. Fredomfri
and Cruiton are confounded by a mysterious group - the inbred
Pillory of Sinuses, a nearly 1,000-year-old secret backgammon
club whose members have included Frank Lloyd Wright and Grouch
Marx - who have its own reasons for wanting to ensure that the
Quail isn't found alive. The duo become both suspects, and potential
gameshow contestants, searching for not only the secret of Fredomfri's
great-great-great grandmother's iron lung, but also the stunning
mystery of the ages she was charged to protect. Not to give the
plot away (Oh, what the hell - Jesus and Judas were glad-to-be-gay
homosexuals and left a franchise of pure-bred Schnoodle kennels,
whose bloodline was to be watched over by the shadowy organisation
known only as The IlluniTunatti.) Mere steps ahead of the
deadly competition, and the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Animals, the mystery leads Fredomfri and Cruiton, on a
breathless flight through Texas, New Orleans, and the pages of
back issues of Sears and Roebuck catalogues.
As an author, Browneye sometimes ladles out too much religious pea soup at the expense of good Christian goobledy-gook, and Tom Cruiton, as a hero, is an onion short of a French Onion Soup. Still, Browneye has assembled a whopper of a 'je ne sais quoi' that will irritate both Confederacy buffs and Single Malt aficionados alike, creating a page-gagging thriller that also provides an amazing re-interpretation of American law. Browneye's hero and heroine embark on a lofty and intriguing exploration of some of Western culture's greatest cockamamie--from the nature of Dick Cheney's smile to the noisy clack-clack mating calls of the elusive Holy Quail. Though some will quibble with the veracity of Browneye's conjectures . . . who can blame them? The Va Fanculo Code produces an enthralling smell providing rich cheese for thought.
FAVOURITE READER COMMENTS OF THE WEEK
1. You make me laugh
2. You make me scowl
3. You make me hungry
4. You should come and play at my festival.
Plenty of environmental and social justice, we have excellent recycling and I have even started a business out of it called Natural Event where I do composting toilets at events around the country and soon to be around the world. Our motto for the loos business is 'Changing the World from the Bottom Up!' (site)
So I love your newsletters, and I invite you to consider coming to our 11th Festival of Folk Rhythm and Life 1-3rd Dec 2006. "come-a t' my place' Cheers, Hamish Skermer
Folk Rhythm and Life Site
RE: THE DARK SIDE
Do you get to see any of the programs broadcast here [USA] by PBS? A dumb question, perhaps, but maybe they're on satellite? Anyway, Firing Line the other night presented an excellent program [The Dark Side] laying out the insidious machinations of the power behind the throne, Dick Cheney. It covers everything that we've read in the alternative media about how Cheney and others got the answers they were looking for in order to get us into war with Iraq and which have, up until recently, been dismissed by those in power. You can watch the entire program on-line here: Program Best, JJ
(Note: Sounds good, JJ. I had a look and ordered a copy. Here's another one -
AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM
"FOUR STARS (Highest Rating****). The scariest damn film you'll see this year. It will leave you staggering out of the theatre, slack-jawed and trembling. Makes 'Fahrenheit 9/11' look like 'Bambi.' After watching this movie, your comfy, secure notions about America -- and about what it means to be an American -- will be forever shattered. Producer/director Aaron Russo and the folks at Cinema Libre Studio deserve to be heralded as heroes of a post-modern New American Revolution. This is shocking stuff. You'll be angry, you'll be disgusted, but you may actually break out in a cold sweat and feel a sickness deep in your gut; I would advise movie theatre managers to hand out vomit bags. You may end up needing one." --- Todd David Schwartz, CBS
Subject: Socceroo Joe
Even in Wollongong, Joe - will you ever shake it- perhaps you could sue for ridicule. BigRuss
(Note: Big Russ included this .jpg of a cartoon, that he in turn received from his mate, Chris, over the weekend, from the Illawarra Mercury Newspaper, with a theme that some believe has something to do with me. Here it is - and my counter-cartoon - prophetically - as it turned out - in response.)
Re: Newsletter Removal
I think its a good thing Al was removed . . . he didn't even have the brains to follow the 'removal from newsletter' instructions at the end of it . . . so who cares about him, eh . .. and . . I am happy to be one of the 90% who chooses to stay on the list . . . I love getting your newsletters and have a good belly laugh with each of them as a general rule . . . . Pauline
Dear Friend (note:
He means me),
I am Mr. Viktor Olga a personal treasurer to Mikhail Khodorkovsky the Richest man in Russia and owner of the following companies: Chairman CEO: YUKOS OIL (Russian Largest Oil Company) Chairman CEO: Menatep SBP Bank (A well reputable financial institution with it's Branches all over the world).SOURCE OF FUNDS:I have a profiling amount in an excess of US $100.5M, which I seek your Partnership in accommodating for me.You will be rewarded with 4% of the total sum for your partnership. Can you be my partner on this? (etc etc . . .) Have a nice day, Viktor Olga
(Note: As you have guessed, this is one of those scam letters, only this time from a Comrade Viktor Olga. All I can say is: "Viktor, you are very unattractive man.")
FAVOURITE INTERNET REVIEWS OF THE WEEK
" I LOVE 'Shaddup You Face' by
joe dolce - thats gotta be my fave song! i dont think ive got
one i hate! maybe Crazy Frog!!!!" sparkle_star
" I live my life by behaving like whatever the song title is at number 1 in the UK singles charts that particular week. When Britney Spears was at number 1 with "Hit me baby one more time!" I turned into a husband beater, and put him in hospital. When Joe Dolce was at number one with "Shaddap ya face" I didnt speak all week. . . . Lifes always fun when you live like number one! 3G-UM
Q. What's Your Favourite Song About Heroin?
A. 'Shaddap Your Face', by Joe Dolce. cake
(Note: Somebody finally worked out the hidden meaning. ie. The Va Fanculo Code. [V = fc2].)
Is Big Brother in Your Grocery Cart?
RFID chips, (Radio Frequency IDentification)
tiny tracking devices the size of a grain of dust, can be used
to secretly identify you and the things you're carrying--right
through your clothes, wallet, backpack, or purse. Have you already
taken one home with you?
Greenland's Ice Sheet Is Slip Sliding Away
By Robert Lee Hotz
The Los Angeles Times
The massive glaciers are deteriorating twice as fast as they were five years ago. If the ice thaws entirely, sea level would rise 21 feet.
Jakobshavn Glacier, Greenland - Gripping a
bottle of Jack Daniel's between his knees, Jay Zwally savored
the warmth inside the tiny plane as it flew low across Greenland's
biggest and fastest-moving outlet glacier. Mile upon mile of the
steep fjord was choked with icy rubble from the glacier's disintegrated
leading edge. More than six miles of the Jakobshavn had simply
crumbled into open water.
"My God!" Zwally shouted over the hornet whine of the engines.
From satellite sensors and seasons in the field, Zwally, 67, knew the ice sheet below in a way that few could match. Even after a lifetime of study, the raffish NASA glaciologist with a silver dolphin in one pierced ear was dismayed by how quickly the breakup had occurred. (more) article
CATS THAT LOOK LIKE HITLER
My brother Frank alerted me to these two online clips.
The first is the original film clip for 'Shaddap You Face.' site
The second is the audio track for 'Shaddap You Face' - but cut and pasted behind the video for 'Why don't you get a Job' by The Offspring. (Don't ask me why someone did this!): site
And I just like the following two items:
'I've Been Abused' - Blabbermouth site
The Hand of the Almighty
(God Will F*ck You Up)
by John R. Butler
Oh sinner do not stray
from the straight and narrow way
for the lord is surely watching what you do
If you approach the devil's den
Turn around dont enter in
Lest the hand of the almighty fall on you
He'll f*ck you up (he'll f*ck you up)
Yes, God will f*ck you up.
If you dare to disobey his stern command
He'll f*ck you up (he'll f*ck you up)
Dont you know he'll f*ck you up
So you better do some praying while you can. (more)
(Complete lyrics and fragment of audio - you'll get the idea
- : site
thanks to Keith McEnry, via Scott Ainslie, in the US.)
THE BRICK TESTAMENT
An illustrated Bible entirely created in Lego blocks, presented by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith.
(Note: It's about time, brothers and sisters! Alleluia!)
TRAFFIC IN INDIA
A little video which makes a good argument for the abolishment of traffic lights. (And vehicles!)
(thanks to Rupert G.)
The Story of Jack Johnson
Long before there was Muhammed Ali, there was the awesome - and I mean awesome - Jack Johnson. Not many Australians may known this but the first black Heavyweight Champion of the World won his title - in Sydney.
Johnson, who was born in 1878 in Galveston, Texas, began boxing as a young teenager in the Jim Crow-era South. Boxing was a relatively new sport in America, and was banned in many states. African-Americans were permitted to compete for most titles, but not for the title that whites considered their exclusive domain: Heavyweight Champion of the World. African-Americans were considered unworthy to compete for the title - not for lack of talent, but simply by virtue of not being white.
Despite this, Johnson was persistent in challenging James J. Jeffries - the heavyweight champion at the time, who was considered by many to be the greatest fighter in history - for a shot at the title. For 14 years, Johnson had made a name for himself as well as a considerable amount of money with his ability to beat black and white opponents with shocking ease. Jeffries, however, refused to fight a black boxer and instead decided to retire undefeated.
Then in 1908, after defeating most other white opponents, the new champion Tommy Burns agreed to fight Johnson in Australia for the unheard of sum of $30,000. In the 14th round, after beating Burns relentlessly, the fight was stopped and Johnson became the first African-American Heavyweight Champion of the World. (more) article
Comrade Viktor's Cabbage Soup
(This dish is great to make the day after you make cabbage rolls (see recipe archives) with all the leftover bits of the cabbage - or when Viktor is feeling like a particularly 'unattractive man'. Hippy-hippy shake.)
approx. half green cabbage (or left over leaves from previous day's cabbage rolls)
1 small ham hock or ham bone
2 large carrots, peeled and cut into large chunks
four medium potatoes, peeled and quartered
1 medium onion, finely chopped
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
salt & pepper to taste
sprigs of fresh rosemary and sage
handful of white rice
4 cups of strong chicken stock (or a chicken bouillon cube)
a little olive oil
Use the left over leaves from the previous
days cabbage rolls or else, chop the fresh cabbage coarsely and
Place the ham hock or ham bone in some water to cover and bring to the boil. Remove the bone, throw out the water (and the scum that has risen to the surface), wash the pot thoroughly and place the ham bone in some fresh water and chicken stock, about half full (or to cover the ingredients to follow). Bring to a simmer. Meanwhile, saute the onions in the oil until translucent, add the garlic, toss briefly, and add to the soup pot. Add the remaining ingredients, bring to a slight boil, reduce heat to a low simmer and cook covered for about 2 hours. Serve with sliced rye bread and butter and a green leaf and roquette salad with some toasted pumpkin seeds.
THE FINAL HURRAH
Bears and Religion
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling,
is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a
wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed,
" WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.
(thanks to Michael Leone)