I got some enthusiastic feedback from last week's Bush Joke Issue. Here a nice one from an old Californian commune friend:
My boyfriend, Joe Gallivan, raved particularly
over this one of your emails. Did you know that he used
to drum for Henny Youngman? (also for Lenny Bruce, Lord Buckley
and Harry the Hipster.)
Did you read what Doonesbury's Garry Trudeau wrote about W? "I'm not voting for him, even though that's not in my best interests. He's a cartoonist's dream come true." Alicia Bay Laurel
(Note: There's a few more Bush japes in this issue just for Joe and Alicia. Ah, I can hear that old 'boom boom' now.)
Boom Boom! No. 1: Tips From Ghosts of Presidents Past
One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.
Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks.
Abe answers: "Go see a play."
Chubby Checker is Peeved
NEW YORK (AP) - Chubby Checker, whose song `The Twist'' was one of the most popular dance records of all time, isn't in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And that's OK with him.
But the singer is peeved over what he considers a lack of radio airplay for the classic song and his new material. So he staged a protest - albeit good-natured - outside Monday's induction festivities in midtown Manhattan.
``I'm not doing it to get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame at all,'' he told The Associated Press in an interview. ``I don't get the airplay that one in my position deserves. 'Twist and Shout' gets more airplay than 'The Twist,' and that's not right.''
Checker, 62, has been recording for decades, and some of other hits include ``The Hucklebuck'' and ``Pony Time.'' But his biggest hit was the 1960 song ``The Twist,'' which went to No. 1 in that year and again in 1961, sparking a dance craze across the nation. The song was so popular he even had a hit with its sequel, ``Let's Twist Again,'' in 1961. (He also had a hit with ``Slow Twistin''' and in 1994 released a song called ``Texas Twist'').
While the writer of the `The Twist,'' Hank
Ballard, has been inducted into hall, Checker hasn't.(article)
(Note: I met Chubby when we both appeared
on the Musicladen tv show, in Germany, in the '80s. I went up
to him to introduce myself, a little in awe, as the Twist was
the first dance I could do! I told him who I was but before I
could say anything else, he interrupted me to say that he was
one of MY biggest fans! - Gulp! Jaw drops . . . - I spent some
time with him in the dressing room asking his roadweary advice
on the music business. He only told me one thing: 'Joe, get the
money. ' He kept repeating it over and over. Later, he asked me
if I'd write him a twist song, so a few months later, I sent him
a demo for 'You Twist With My Wife, I Twist-a You Neck."
He never got back to me. But, hey! I just had a thought! Maybe
he could do a new twist version of my song, 'My Home Ain't In
The Hall of Fame.')
Boom Boom! No. 2: Bush Goes For A Jog
George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like
to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a
new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized
wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush was a little perplexed by this. "But you don't look like you are injured, son."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad
finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
Howard Stern Declares Radio Jihad Against George W
Declaring a "radio jihad" against President Bush, syndicated morning man Howard Stern and his burgeoning crusade to drive Republicans from the White House is shaping up as a colossal media headache for the GOP, and one they never saw coming.
The pioneering shock jock, "the man who
launched the raunch," as the Los Angeles Times once put,
has emerged almost overnight as the most influential Bush critic
in all of American broadcasting, as he rails against the president
hour after hour, day after day to a weekly audience of 8 million
listeners. Never before has a Republican president come under
such withering attack from a radio talk show host with the influence
and national reach Stern has. (article)
(Note: If anyone is getting confused
about Democratic candidate John Kerry not being everything one
could hope for, just remember this one thing: it's not a case
of 'Anybody but Bush,' but more like 'Anyparty but the Republican
Party.' Bush is just the guy with the red nose and the big shoes.
We won't be just replacing the Clown, but the whole can of Circus.)
Boom Boom! No. 3: W's Brain Scan
George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr.
President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left
side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there
isn't anything left."
Socialists Oust Spain's Conservatives
By ED McCULLOUGH
"The war in Iraq was a disaster, the occupation
of Iraq is a disaster,"
Spain's prime minister-elect Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero
MADRID, Spain - The
opposition Socialists scored a dramatic upset win in Spain's general
election Sunday, unseating conservatives stung by charges they
provoked the Madrid terror bombings by supporting the U.S.-led
war in Iraq and making Spain a target for al-Qaida. It was the
first time a government that backed the Iraq war has been voted
out of office.(article)
(Note: Now that Spain has become part
of the Coalition of the Unwilling, does that mean we are going
to see some draconian changes to all things Spanish, as was the
case with the French? (i.e. Spanish Fly = Freedom Fly, Spanish
Steps = Freedom Steps, Spanish Olives = Freedom Olives, and Cocker
Spaniel = Cocker Freeniel . . Ok - that last one is stretching
it a bit, I know!)
"CODEPINK is not an organization but a phenomenon: a sensibility reflecting feminist analysis and a campy playfulness." The Nation, 03/2003
CODEPINK honored and celebrated International
Women's Day by raising a giant Pink Slip in front of the White
House. The slip declared: "Women Say: FIRE BUSH".
(thanks to Maireid Sullivan.)
President Bush Celebrates International Women's Week (His Way)
In a speech paying tribute to women reformers around the world, Bush sang the praises of Fathi Jahmi, a Libyan dissident. "Earlier today, the Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi," Bush said during a White House gathering marking International Women's Week. "She's a local government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy."
Only one problem: Jahmi is a MAN. (article)
Boom Boom! No. 4: Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the
president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the
Free Online Game
Parents alert! It's a race to stash the evidence (Play)
Passion of the Shaddap
R.I.P. (Rest Ingesting Pizza)
Mr Irvine Welsh has requested that SHADDAP
YOU FACE be played at his funeral.
- (under 'sounds'). (Website)
(thanks to Matthew Donlevy)
Found on a Net Weblog
Letters to The Love Panel
" Dear Love Panel,
A year ago I was divorced from my husband and I've only just started dating again, having met this really nice man. He seemed to be everything I could have wanted. Witty, charming, sophisticated, debonair. Yet I'm starting to wonder if he is what I really imagine. I mean, he took me home for the first time last night and while he was making the coffee I had a quick peek at his record and cd collection. Well, all he seeme to have were novelty records - everything from Joe Dolce, the chicken song, the smurfs, the Baron Knights, even Agadoo! Have I really met my Prince Charming or have I been short-changed? " Confused Anna
meshmonkey says... hmmm, I could accept the Barn Knights (some classic twisted lyric lines), the Chicken Song and the Smurfs. I can even have some respect for Sr Dolce, if for no other reason than keeping that self satisfied dirge Vienna from number 1 - but Agadoo? No plea for clemency should be heard! I think you're probably his first girlfriend!!
Pretty_garnet16 says... Hahaha! Just cause he's got weird taste in music doesn't change your relationship, right? It's not so bad, it's a nicer place, AAAAAH SHADDUP IN YOUR FACE! That'sa my mama! lol....
Everytime You Play Joe Dolce, a Kitten Gets Tinnitus
'Shaddap You Face' Memorial Music Award
Cast your vote here! (site)
Australian Idol Shows No Respect for Mama
BMG Records, Australia, has allegedly claimed that their artist, Guy Sebastian's 'Angels Brought Me Here,' has overtaken 'Shaddap You Face,' as Australia's most successful single, breaking a 24 year marathon run. ( Personally, I don't think it has.) BMG have quoted final sales figures of 320,000. (It's not clear however whether this figure includes sales to record stores or real sales to customers. Sales to record stores don't count - as these can be returned.) What were the final sales figures of 'Shaddap'? A 3DB radio chart press clipping from 1981 marked it around 350,000. It could possibly be a neck and neck race. I've always been good with my neck, but I feel a little like 'Seabiscuit' here, competing with the grandkids. I'll keep you posted.
Then, there is also a longevity record that
has to be broken. 'The Pub With No Beer,' by Slim Dusty,
held the longevity record for the most successful song in aussie
history from 1957, (the first Gold Record and ONLY Gold 78 rpm
record) until 1979, when it was dethroned by 'Up There Cazaly,'
by Mike Brady's Two Man Band. That's 22 Years. 'Cazaly' sold 270,000
and held the record for one year, when 'Shaddap' overtook it.
'The Face' has now been 24 years in the driver's seat. Two years
longer than 'The Pub'. But I digress . . . the question is: has
a new upstart indeed surpassed 'Shaddap,' or should they all be
shutting up? Someone better ask mama.
Imagine Earthships . . .
Imagine... living in a home that cost you nothing to heat or cool - Imagine... building this home yourself - Imagine... growing your own vegetables year round in this home - Imagine... no utility bills - Imagine... easily available "limitless natural resources" to build this type of home - Imagine... a more earth friendly civilization - Imagine... EARTHSHIPS.
(Note: I visited some of these fantastic
houses when I was in New Mexico two years ago. They are all that
they say they are.)
BALD CHICKEN POTION
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have
no sex life at all."
I don't actually have a recipe this week, but this is an ancient Chinese potion and here's what I know about it:
" Sex aids and aphrodisiacs were available to concubines and their guests. The most popular aphrodisiac was a pair of red lizards caught while copulating and drowned alive in a jar of wine. The wine was left for a year before being sold. There were also 'the genitals of a lewd animal, the beaver, with the drug so obtained to anoint the penis,' and 'bald chicken potion' was very popular. The name derived from a prefect of Shu who started drinking the elixer when he was seventy. His wife was so exhausted by his subsequent virility that 'she could neither sit nor lie down,' and insisted that her husband throw the potion away. A cockerel then ate it, jumped on a hen and 'continued copulating several days without interuption, pecking the hen's head until it was completely bald.'
Sounds kind of kinky and fun to me.
'Malaccan men went to considerable lengths to give pleasure to their women. Chinese-made tin or hollow gold beads assisted them, a custom still practised in some parts of south-east Asia today. 'When a man has attained his twentieth year, they take the skin which surrounds the penis (membrane virile), and with a fine knife shaped like an onion they open it up and insert a dozen tin beads inside the skin . . . [the beads] look like a cluster of grapes. The King and the great chiefs or the rich people use hollow beads of gold in which is placed a grain of sand. After these have been inserted, when they walk there is a tinkling sound which is considered beautiful. Men who have no beads inserted [in the manner described] are people of the lower class." Gavin Menzies, '1421 - The Year China Discovered the World.'
Of course, the highest aspiration would be
the sound of one ball tinkling. ( . . .
. . . or one boom booming!)