Hi folks,

Don't know why I put that quote up there. I just liked it. Reminded me of The Case of the Black Fedora when I went around and took photos of a hundred or so people on the Countdown Spectacular Tour in my black hat. Just like the loaves and the fishes, I made one hat go around. Here's the photo archive for that little exercise in madness in case anybody missed it. Great pics of Sherbet, Hush, James Reyne, John Paul Young, Leo Sayer, Renee Geyer, Normie Rowe, Sean Kelly, the Chantoozies, Ross Wilson, Shane Howard, Brian Mannix, James Freud, Joe Camilleri, Michaeal Gudinski, Jon English, John Swan and many others: fedora site

I finally got the YouTube thing working and have uploaded the videoclips for 'Hill of Death,' and also Lin Van Hek singing Kath Tait's, 'River of Life,' from DIFFICULT WOMEN (which, by the way, is performing a show next Wednesday in Castlemaine, VIC, as part of the Castlemaine State Festival. DIFFICULT WOMEN will also be doing a show in May, with Sally Dastey, ex-Tiddas, at The Palais in Hepburn Springs, VIC.)

On YouTube, I appear in three different film clips for 'Shaddap You Face' - the ABC Countdown version, with Ian 'Molly' Meldrum doing the accordion part - the original 1980 film clip, directed by veteran 80s video clip pioneer, Chris Lofven, featuring Molly's brother, Rob 'Wally' Meldrum, doing the accordion part. The Squeeze Box Brothers. The third clip is personal rare archival footage of a live performance of 'Shaddap You Face' six months before it was recorded! I love the comments and opinions that people write spontaneously underneath the videos. Here're a few that accompany the version of 'Shaddap' with Molly:

powerofpink: this is an awsome song!! i wasnt even alive when it came out!! xxxx
starchris81: it rocks!!! better the old one btw!!!
Holger200612: Are these guys fags?
andrewdigits: Nah, it was the 80's.
Bmaster25: but i do think the accordian player was kindda on the lispy side.

There is footage of two entries from the 2006 Inspired Shaddap You Face Contest at the National Folk Festival in Canberra: a cello fantasia by Peter Grayling, and The Canberra Celtic Pipes, complete with Highland Fling dancer!

The performance video of 'Gift - from One Iraqi Child' was filmed live at the Darebin Arts Centre. If anyone feels like it, go to YouTube and write your own comments about any of these clips.

Here's the link to my own new Video Archive which I will continue to add to.

FAVOURITE LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Hi Joe,
Re: Two Jews Go into a Bar in Kazakhstan
Hiyee yes complex issues. But not sure from what you have written why you feel viewers of Borat would make negative use of a film's materials (i.e. use it to justify fuelling themselves to act out on the dumb side of all possible understandings) but viewers of "24" wouldn't. It's interesting for me to ask myself to attempt at least to watch things without judging (as in sitting in judgment). It's very hard to do, and I don't always succeed! But it is changing my understanding of people's characters, real or fictitious, including myself (who seems to contain plenty of both I am discovering). I wonder if both films are completely free of being in one camp or the other in relation to the honesty of their intentions, rationales and the actual outcomes they promulgate. Or whether they have to be, because what they can both do is show us how dumb we can sometimes be as a species. But it is a real buzz when someone transcends themselves and complexity is kept and the (film/artwork/song/article) doesn't forcefully and gratuitously put any people down or alienate them in its outcome. I guess that's why masterpieces are so rare because they tear us open and heal us into something greater than we were before. Hope things are going well for you. Love, RupertG

(Notez: Rupert, Some good points. I think the main difference between '24' and 'Borat' is that the former is a work of fiction, the later is really the film version of reality television; the former involves actors who have agreed to play parts for pay; the latter, unwitting members of the public who are tricked into signing release forms for something that, from the beginning, was intended to expose and ridicule their beliefs - in public. Had Cohen honestly explained his true intentions to any of these folks, none would have let him anywhere near them. Except the yobbos in the trailer, who probably make up the majority of his core audience.

'Sitting in Judgement'. Sounds grim when it's put like that. ie. very religious. Heaven. Or Hell. Or like Auschwitz:. 'This one to the right. That one to the left." But all creative work depends on the sitting, standing or running judgement of the artist: whether to use this colour or that one - and how much - whether to play a C natural or a C#, whether a song goes in the 'keeper' bin or the 'let me look at that again when I'm sober' bin. True: 'Judge not, that ye also not be judged.' But also: 'Love thy neighbour as thyself.' And I am the most critical, (and forgiving), lover, (and judge, jury and bloody executioner) of my OWN work of anyone.

'Putting people down'. I agree - but gratuitously is the operative word here - as some people need to be TAKEN down big time, rather than put down. ie GeorgeWBushites. Certain deaf-dumb-blind-in-both-eyes-and-one-leg-cut-off-above-the-knee BobDylanites. The odd mumbling JoeDolcite.

'Alienating in outcome'. Well, it's impossible not to alienate somebody or other with anything at all controversial in nature. 'You can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time." I think Abraham Lincoln said that. "May the left ear of John Howard fall off and drop into his right pocket." I said that.

'Tearing open and healing'. Imagery is important in self-talk according to Ian Gawler and Norman Cousins. To tear open implies ripping and force. But healing is sometimes more effectively achieved by 'first doing no harm' - and even a caress. And I'm still not sure what constitutes a Genius anymore, but I do know the feminine for Genius is Juno, so that sounds like something worth aspiring to for awhile. Or as Mary Daly once said very problematically: to be part of the 'Sisterhood of Man.')

Hey Joe,
Re: Borat 
Your newsletters always add sparkle to the greyness of life in Howard's Australia. I thank you for your thoughtful deconstruction of Borat. I want to use it in school to raise many of the same issues you have here, because I think it's critical that kids get to think about who, why and what they're laughing at. I teach Society and Culture and kids have been telling me Borat is full of society and culture, so I think it will be great for them to do their own deconstruction. Do you mind if I use your comments as part of a stimulus to get them thinking? Also still trying to work out what it says about you and us that "Shaddap You Face" was playing as we walked over the Sydney Harbour Bridge last week. Thanks for your always stimulating thoughts, Bernie Howitt

(Note: Bernie, tell all your ankle-biters to videotape their Borat 'deconstructions' and put them up on YouTube. Something like 'The Running of the Sasha Baron Cohen' or a Gay Pride March in which fifty 'batty boys' sport Borat-like Hitler moustaches and lime green swimsuits with swastika logos. Speaking of 'Shaddap', there have been a slew of folks making up their own videos to the original music track on YouTube lately. Have a look. I especially like the one: 'How to Soothe a Crying Baby' by HugeAss2007 (nice name!).

Hi Joe,
Re: Recent Savaging on Wikipedia for Joe Dolce 'Shaddapology Religion' Entry Which Was Subsequently Removed
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made that comment. It was wrong of me. And I did like the song. You are the Joe Dolce, aren't you? If so, it's odd finding you here - that song is part of my pre-computer life, which is so long ago and so totally distinct from the present. It's like moving to a foreign city and finding out that you still have the same next door neighbour. I was thinking about being a one-hit-wonder (which is one hit more than most will ever have.) It must be hard to move on. Edmund Hillary did. What else could be bigger than Everest? Nothing, so he went and did good works for the sherpas and so much else. Roald Amundsen didn't. After both poles were conquered, he pretty much lost purpose, at least according to some accounts. Either way, good luck in your ventures. Ben A.

(Note: Dear Ben A, I TRIED to move on from 'Shaddap You Face' but you bastahds wouldn't let me! I founded the entire religion of 'Shaddapology' roughly modeled after L. Ron Hobbit's research, only instead of the O-Meter (the Orc Meter), we used a V-Meter (Vanfanculometer) which was an early prototype of the anal probe, made popular by the same aliens who obviously abducted your Chief Wikipedian. Unfortunately, as you know, due to protests, mostly by sherpas and some pencil-necks (no offense), my 'Shaddapology' Wikipedia site was closed down, leaving me to the ravages of the bottle and watching Anna Nicole Smith reruns, and now only the occasional reference remains to the "Secret Teachings' of Shaddapology in some inner city graffiti, if you know where to look.)

Hey Joe,
Re: Music and Math
(Where ya goin with that guitar in your hand). Now Joe, . while i think of it - here is my personal Music Thought to offer for your collection. It comes again to mind as I read in your newsletter - Music Thought No.2 by Leibniz,- where he suggests music is unconscious counting and therefore is a kind of arithmetic. Though a clutz at maths (or 'math' as the yanks say it - which always sounds to me like walking into a wall in mid sentence) ....anyway, as I was saying before i went off on the wall thing - though hopeless at anything to do with calculation of digits, I too enter a deep kind of arith-metrics when playing music. I there therefore accept my lack of proficiency with numbers in the 'real' world as being compensated for a related capacity in a reel to reel world. Ahh... to think....If only I had had a musician as a mathematics teacher all those years ago at school. Ah well....perhaps I would not have gone off and found music in my subsequent search for a maths that counted. I distilled this understanding as a kind off geometric formula some twenty years ago. "Music is the shortest distance between any two sounds." Dominic

(Note: Dominic, musicians teaching math sounds nice! But unfortunately, many classically trained musicians have the reverse: mathematicians for music teachers. That's why everyone learns how to play, but hardly anyone learns how to compose. JS Bach laid it out very clearly in the Preface of the Two Part Inventions:

" True guide for lovers of the keyboard in which is shown a clear way not only of learning a neat execution of two parts, but also, progressing further, of handling three moving parts correctly and pleasantly, teaching at the same time not only to invent good themes, but also to develop them well, with the chief object, however, of acquiring a cantabile style of playing, besides getting a sound introduction to the methods of composing."

Invention of good themes. Developing them well. Composing. Most musical teachers should get an F for missing this basic and FUNDAMENTAL lesson of the Maestro de Tutti Maestros.

How different are Percy Grainger's playing instructions in the preface, written in 1930, to his sheet music for 'Country Gardens':

" The passages marked to be played with stiff fingers, stiff hand, stiff wrist are intended to develop finger resistance and to serve as a fore-study for stiff octave playing - in which not only the fingers, hand and wrist, but also the whole arm and other parts of the body, are gripped in an almost cramp-like tenseness. This habit of highly energised attack forms, in my opinion, the basis of the greater part of modern piano technic. It is to be hoped that an easy familiarity on the part of the student with such stiff playing will help to lay the bogie 'relaxation' - which in most case is nothing but an absurd superstition, a mere catch-word, an invitation to laziness. Since bodily laziness is at the root of most pianistic short-comings (as it likewise is the origin of most ill-health and ill-deeds in other fields) the student should be led to practise in the most mercilessly energetic, taxing and exhausting way possible - instead of being advised to 'spare' himself as in relaxation. If the attack is sufficiently energised (stiff, tense, spasmodic) the relaxation (between attacks) will look after itself. You do not have to tell a man to sleep who has just walked 65 miles without stopping. Let us remember Nietzsche's wise words: 'Only utmost hardness (that is: hardihood, stoicism, unflinchingness) is beautiful."

Ach Tung! Whew! I love Percy to bits but I'm worn out just reading that. Interesting that if you change one letter in 'laziness' you get 'naziness'. 1930. No wonder Percy needed a good whipping every now and then.)

Play About Iraq War Divides a Connecticut School
by Alison Leigh Cowan

WILTON, Conn. - Student productions at Wilton High School range from splashy musicals like last year's "West Side Story," performed in the state-of-the-art, $10 million auditorium, to weightier works like Arthur Miller's "Crucible," on stage last fall in the school's smaller theater.

For the spring semester, students in the advanced theater class took on a bigger challenge: creating an original play about the war in Iraq. They compiled reflections of soldiers and others involved, including a heartbreaking letter from a 2005 Wilton High graduate killed in Iraq last September at age 19, and quickly found their largely sheltered lives somewhat transformed.

"In Wilton, most kids only care about Britney Spears shaving her head or Tyra Banks gaining weight," said Devon Fontaine, 16, a cast member. "What we wanted was to show kids what was going on overseas."

But even as 15 student actors were polishing the script and perfecting their accents for a planned April performance, the school principal last week canceled the play, titled "Voices in Conflict," citing questions of political balance and context.

The principal, Timothy H. Canty, who has tangled with students before over free speech, said in an interview he was worried the play might hurt Wilton families "who had lost loved ones or who had individuals serving as we speak," and that there was not enough classroom and rehearsal time to ensure it would provide "a legitimate instructional experience for our students."

"It would be easy to look at this case on first glance and decide this is a question of censorship or academic freedom," said Mr. Canty, who attended Wilton High himself in the 1970s and has been its principal for three years. "In some minds, I can see how they would react this way. But quite frankly, it's a false argument."

At least 10 students involved in the production, however, said that the principal had told them the material was too inflammatory, and that only someone who had actually served in the war could understand the experience. They said that Gabby Alessi-Friedlander, a Wilton junior whose brother is serving in Iraq, had complained about the play, and that the principal barred the class from performing it even after they changed the script to respond to concerns about balance.

"He told us the student body is unprepared to hear about the war from students, and we aren't prepared to answer questions from the audience and it wasn't our place to tell them what soldiers were thinking," said Sarah Anderson, a 17-year-old senior who planned to play the role of a military policewoman. site

(Is the following truth or fiction? We'll find out soon enough!)

Operation Bite - April 6 Sneak Attack By US Forces On Iran Planned  - Russian Military Sources Warn

General Ivashov Calls For Emergency Session of UN Security Council To Ward Off Looming US Aggression
By Webster G. Tarpley

WASHINGTON DC -- The long awaited US military attack on Iran is now on track for the first week of April, specifically for 4 AM on April 6, the Good Friday opening of Easter weekend, writes the well-known Russian journalist Andrei Uglanov in the Moscow weekly "Argumenty Nedeli." Uglanov cites Russian military experts close to the Russian General Staff for his account.

The attack is slated to last for twelve hours, according to Uglanov, lasting from 4 AM until 4 PM local time. Friday is a holiday in Iran. In the course of the attack, code named Operation Bite, about 20 targets are marked for bombing; the list includes uranium enrichment facilities, research centers, and laboratories.

The first reactor at the Bushehr nuclear plant, where Russian engineers are working, is supposed to be spared from destruction. The US attack plan reportedly calls for the Iranian air defense system to be degraded, for numerous Iranian warships to be sunk in the Persian Gulf, and the for the most important headquarters of the Iranian armed forces to be wiped out.

The attacks will be mounted from a number of bases, including the island of Diego Garcia in the Indian Ocean. Diego Garcia is currently home to B-52 bombers equipped with standoff missiles. Also participating in the air strikes will be US naval aviation from aircraft carriers in the Persian Gulf, as well as from those of the Sixth Fleet in the Mediterranean. Additional cruise missiles will be fired from submarines in the Indian Ocean and off the coast of the Arabian peninsula. The goal is allegedly to set back Iran's nuclear program by several years, writes Uglanov, whose article was re-issued by RIA-Novosti in various languages, but apparently not English, several days ago. The story is the top item on numerous Italian and German blogs, but so far appears to have been ignored by US websites. site
(thanks to Stephen Ross)

FAVOURITE PORN SPAM SUBJECT HEADING OF THE WEEK
From: Aspects   Subject: Forget about that annoying 30-40 minutes before sex

MORE MUSIC

Lennon Song Left Off the White Album - Thank God!

It's said that John Lennon's song, "Child of Nature" was left off the White Album because of it's similarity to 'Mother Nature's Son' . Lyrically, perhaps, only in the sense that both songs are vaguely about nature. Not musically.

"Child of Nature" is the template for 'Jealous Guy' which has the identical tune and 98% of the same chord progression but completely re-written lyrics and a stronger idea. I call it an early draft, rather than a 'lost Beatle masterpiece'. Good decision on John's part, too, as 'Jealous Guy' is a much more mature and personal lyric, free from the fog of the Maharishi's incense sticks and those stoned-out pastoral cliches.

Here are the lyrics. Sing them to the tune of 'Jealous Guy' and watch the perfect musical fit:

Child of Nature
v1
On the road to Rishikesh
I was dreaming more or less,
And the dream I had was true
Yes, the dream I had was true

chorus:
I'm just a child of nature
I don't need much to set me free
I'm just child of nature
I'm one of nature's children

v2
Sunlight shining in your eyes
As I face the desert skies
And my thoughts return to home
Yes, my thoughts return to home

v3
Underneath the mountain ranges
Where the wind that never changes
Touch the windows of my soul
Touch the windows of my soul

Mother Nature's Son was written by Paul McCartney while the Beatles were in India. The same lecture by the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi that inspired Paul's song also inspired John's "Child of Nature," so I can also see that the two songwriter's kundalinguini might have been somewhat tangled together at this point.

Mother Nature's Son
Born a poor young country boy - Mother Nature's son
All day long I'm sitting singing songs for everyone.
Sit beside a mountain stream--see her waters rise
Listen to the pretty sound of music as she flies.
Find me in my field of grass - Mother Nature's son
Swaying daises sing a lazy song beneath the sun.
Mother Nature's son. "

Ywew!!! That piece of dribble should have been cut, too . . . . and re-written, as the music is fairly decent. Who knows what Paul might have come up once he had heard John's rewrite. After all, 'Hey Jude' was originally titled 'Hey Jules', by McCartney to comfort Lennon's son Julian when Lennon and his first wife, Cynthia Powell, were divorced. (It's a better idea, too. More personal depth.) And just about everyone knows that 'Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away,' started off as 'Scrambled Eggs, Oh my darling you've got lovely legs.' Too many incense fumes can discombobulate the Subcontinental Cortez of the Frontal Loaf. But I digress here . . . .

Child of Nature is a rare opportunity to study a rough draft recording of an early classic Lennon song and how a subsequent re-write improved it.

Child of Nature demo by John Lennon
(thanks to Alan Howe)

THE THIRTY STRANGEST DEATHS IN HISTORY

Death by Jury Demonstration
After the Civil War, controversial Ohio politician Clement Vallandigham became a highly successful lawyer who rarely lost a case. In 1871, he defended Thomas McGehan who was accused of shooting one Tom Myers during a barroom brawl. Vallandigham's defense was that Myers had accidentally shot himself while drawing his pistol from a kneeling position. To convince the jury, Vallandigham decided to demonstrate his theory. Unfortunately, he grabbed a loaded gun by mistake and ended up shooting himself! By dying, Vallandigham succeeded in demonstrating the plausibility of the accidental shooting and got his client acquitted.

Death from Biting One's Tongue
Allan Pinkerton (1819-1884)[wiki], famous for creating the Pinkerton detective agency and developing investigative techniques such as surveilling a suspect and doing undercover work, died of an infection after biting his tongue when he slipped on a sidewalk! site
(Thanks to Sahyma)

Three Good Jews and One Christian in Jerusalem
By Eileen Fleming

Jeff Halper is the Coordinator of ICAHD: The Israeli Committee Against House Demolitions. He looks like a cross between Jerry Garcia and Santa Claus and grew up in Hibbing, Minnesota and actually knew Dylan when he was still Zimmerman! Bob is five years older than Jeff and he remembers Bob: "As always quiet, reserved and normal. He came to my high school graduation. His dad had wanted Bob to be a Dr. but later admitted: 'How was I to know he would become Leonard Bernstein?' . . .
. . . "Look, Christ was all about justice and love, Jesus was no magician and his message has been lost by Christian Zionists who want Armageddon. . ." . . . In 313 A.D. Emperor Constantine sought to unite his empire and used the Church. Up until Constantine, Christians did not serve in armies and non-violence was understood by all believers to be the way all Christians must go. Under Constantine, Christianity was legitimized and that was the beginning of Christians enjoying political power and prestige. St. Augustine was the first Church Father to write about the Just War theory and that was when Christians discarded The Prince of Peace's true teachings and began the reinterpretation of the Bible to justify warfare. . . site
(thanks to Justine Stewart)

Antarctic Melting May be Speeding Up
by Michael Byrnes

HOBART (Australia) - Rising sea levels and melting polar ice-sheets are at upper limits of projections, leaving some human population centers already unable to cope, top world scientists say as they analyze latest satellite data.
"Observations are in the very upper edge of the projections," leading Australian marine scientist John Church told Reuters.
"I feel that we're getting uncomfortably close to threshold," said Church, of Australia's CSIRO Marine and Atmospheric Research said.
Past this level, parts of the Antarctic and Greenland would approach a virtually irreversible melting that would produce sea level rises of meters, he said.
There has been no repeat in the Antarctic of the 2002 break-up of part of the Larsen ice shelf that created a 500 billion ton iceberg as big as Luxembourg.
But the Antarctic Peninsula is warming faster than anywhere else on Earth, and glaciers are in massive retreat.
"There have been doomsday scenarios that west Antarctica could collapse quite quickly. And there's six meters of sea level in west Antarctica," says Tas van Ommen, a glaciologist at the Hobart-based Australian Antarctic Division.
Doomsday has not yet arrived.
But even in east Antarctica, which is insulated from global warming by extreme cold temperatures and high-altitudes, new information shows the height of the Tottenham Glacier near Australia's Casey Base has fallen by 10 meters over 15-16 years.

MELTING POLES

Scientists say massive glacier retreat at Heard Island, 1,000 km (620 miles) north of Antarctica, is an example of how fringe areas of the polar region are melting.The break-up of ice in Antarctica to create icebergs is also opening pathways for accelerated flows to the sea by glaciers.
Church pointed out that sea levels were 4-6 meters higher more than 100,000 years ago when temperatures were at levels expected to be reached at the end of this century. Dynamic ice-flows could add 25 percent to IPCC forecasts of sea level rise, van Ommen said.
Australian scientist John Hunter, who has focused on historical sea level information, said that to keep the sea water out, communities would need to begin raising sea walls.
"There's lots of places where you can't do that and where you'll have to put up with actual flooding," he said.
This was already happening in the south of England, where local councils and governments could not afford to protect all areas from sea water erosion as land continued to sink. About 100 million people around the world live within a meter of the present-day sea level, CSIRO Marine Research senior principal research scientist Steve Rintoul said. "Those 100 million people will need to go somewhere," he said.
Worse, every meter of sea level rise causes an inland recession of around 100 meters (300 feet) and more erosion occurs with every storm. site

RECIPE

Apple Pie with Vanilla Bean and Cinnamon Applesauce
(Our apple tree is going ape ca-ca at the moment so I've been making a lot of applesauce and pies. I decided to combine them both into one. The butter crust and two different layered textures of the apples make this a cross between a pie and a strudel. Yum! I'm making another one tomorrow.)

Cinnamon Applesauce
1 kg apples, peeled cored and sliced
250 g brown sugar
2 cinnamon sticks
20 whole cloves
zest of one lemon and juice

Put all ingredients in a good size pot, bring to a boil and then reduce heat and simmer until apples start to fall apart. With a potato masher, mash roughly leaving large bits as well for texture. Place in a bowl, set aside until cool.

Pastry
350 g plain flour
175 g unsalted butter, chilled
75g icing sugar
1 egg beaten

To make the pastry, place the flour, butter and sugar in a bowl with a pinch of salt. Mix with your fingers until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs. Add the egg and 2 tbles of water, then mix until the mixture comes together to form a smooth ball. Divide into 2 portions, one slightly larger than the other, wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Apples

30 g butter
1 kg apples, peeled, cored and sliced
1 vanilla bean, split
100 g castor sugar
1 lemon rind grated, juiced
1 tbles cornflour
1 egg beaten, to brush

Meanwhile place butter in a large saucepan, add apples, scraped vanilla bean and seeds, sugar, and lemon rind and juice. Cook over low heat for 6-8 minutes until just starting to soften. Mix the cornflour with 2 tbles cold water and stir into apple mixture. Cook for 1 minute. Apples should still be firm and well-coated with thickened juice. Remove vanilla bean, strain apples over a colander and discard juices. Set apples aside to cool.

Preheat oven to 200 C (Mark 4). Grease a 19 x 5 cm medium depth pie pan. Roll larger piece of pastry on a lightly floured surface and use to line base and sides of pan. Refrigerate for 30 minutes. Line the pastry shell with foil and fill with rice or weights. Bake for 10 minutes. Remove paper and weights and return to oven for 5 minutes. Allow to cool. Pile half the apples into pastry. Smooth out. Put a layer of cold applesauce next. Finish by piling the remaining apples on top so they come slightly over the top of the bottom crust. Roll out remaining pastry and press onto top of pie using your fingers to crimp the edges, making sure edges are well sealed. Use any excess pastry to make little decorative leaves or designs for the top crust. Brush top with beaten egg. Bake for 25 minutes or until cooked and golden. Rest for 10 minutes before removing from pan. Serve with cream or ice cream.

THE FINAL HURRAH

The Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at   him.
He said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynaecologist."

The proctologist just fainted.
(thanks to Jim Testa)