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May 19th, 2006

Security Breach at Los Pantalones

"One of my hardest parts of my job is to console the family members who have lost their life."
President George W. Bush, Washington, DC, April 13, 2004.


Dear Folks,

This week's newsletter headline almost sounds like it's referring to the recent indictment of Karl Rove. Rove, as you know, is U.S. President George W. Bush's Deputy Chief of Staff, heading the Office of Political Affairs, the Office of Public Liaison, and the Office of Strategic Initiatives at the White House. (Note: That's Indiction, George - not as IN DICTION, but Indicted, As in:dickdead. ABOUT TIME! One small step for woman, one giant step for womankind.)

Here are some upcoming events I am performing at that will probably appeal to completely different readers. Good luck connecting the dots. I can barely do it myself sometimes. (See my homepage for more show details:)

ARCILESBICA - Saturday May 20. The Annual Italian Lesbian Dance where I will be singing 'Shaddap You Face', [a special Italian language dyke variation], and also a couple of my favourite artsong settings of the poetry of Sappho and CP Cavafy! Oh yeah, and singing the theme to The Godfather, hopefully, in English translation!

UNITY FOR PEACE CONFERENCE - May 25th and 27th. Performing my anti-war song, 'GIFT (from One Iraqi Child)' and other peace songs for US activist CINDY SHEEHAN and delegates from Iraq, at both a public meeting and dinner.


HARMONY ROAD VINEYARD, PIPERS CREEK, VIC. - DIFFICULTWOMEN - Sunday, May 28th. Performing a solo opening set, and with LIN VAN HEK, in our literary-folk women-centred cabaret. Sunday lunch and show. See the DIFFICULTWOMEN website for more specifics:

THE COUNTDOWN SPECTACULAR - Late Aug and September. Just announced Wednesday at a fantastic and colourful launch at Luna Park. The Frontier Touring Company is putting together the ultimate celebration of the iconic television show in the form of the much anticipated live concert tour, The Countdown Spectacular. Promoter Michael Gudinski said "I've been waiting to create this tour for years. I wanted to get the lineup and timing just right. I think everything has come together perfectly for this year and the positive response I've had from the artists has been overwhelming." The ABC's Director of Enterprises, Robyn Watts, said that 2006 - the year of the 50th birthday of television in Australia - was the perfect time to celebrate the landmark success that Countdown was ... and bring it back to its countless fans in a live concert environment. Across Australia this September, The Countdown Spectacular will enable fans to relive the glory years of Countdown as leading acts of the 70s and 80s come together in a three hour extravaganza performing the hits that made them Countdown favourites. Hosted by Molly Meldrum, and headlined by the specially reformed Sherbet, the tour will also include Hush, John Paul Young, Leo Sayer, James Reyne, Mondo Rock, Jon English, the Chantoozies, Cheetah, Joe Dolce, Choirboys, Jo Jo Zep, Swanee, Renee Geyer and Paul Norton. Also appearing are Alex Smith from Moving Pictures, Shane Howard from Goanna, Scott Carne from Kids In The Kitchen, James Freud & Sean Kelly from the Models, Brian Canham from Pseudo Echo, Dave Sterry from Real Life, Brian Mannix from Uncanny X-Men, Grace Knight and Bernie Lynch from the Eurogliders, Wendy Stapleton from Wendy & The Rocketts, Frankie J Holden & Wilbur Wilde from Ol' 55, Stephen Cummings from The Sports and Billy Miller from The Ferrets. Some of the monolith venues we will be performing at include the Newcastle Entertainment Centre, Acer Arena Sydney (formerly the SuperDome), Rod Laver Arena Melbourne, Adelaide Entertainment Centre, Burswood Dome Perth, and Brisbane Entertainment Centre, with more shows to be announced. (Note: Whew! More on this musical mind vafanculo in upcoming newsletters!)


: Ahab's Leg Subject: The whale's penis weights 1 ton. Virility Patch RX.



" . . . Gravitational Forces may not change that: the bizness is too stubborn to accept him, and Keen is too stubborn to change, thank goodness. He opens his Lost Highway debut - his, like, ninth album - with Joe Dolce's "My Home Ain't in the Hall of Fame," a candid, defiant recognition of his stature." -
WAYNE ROBINS, Phoenix Off the Record

(Note: Robert Earl Keen Jr also happens to be the Bush daughters' favourite country singer. Hey - don't visit the sins of the father upon the children. They obviously appreciate a good song when they hear one. I wonder how the girls would like my anti-Iraq war song, GIFT?)



dear Joe,
RE: Mother-in-law Jokes
As a mother-in-law myself here's a mother-in-law joke I made up:
Question: why did the son-in-law cross the road?
Answer: who cares? regards,

(Note: Jean, you're a cold bitch sometimes - but I love ya!)

RE: 4 am Newsletter Posting
You should be asleep!
Phil R.

(Note: Sleep? Me? The Houdini of Linguini? Sleep? Phil, YOU'RE the one getting sleepy . . .zzzzzzzz . .zzz . . zzz . . your eyes are getting so heavy . . . zzzzz . ....zzzz . . you're reaching into your wallet and taking all the money out and sending it to the Joe Dolce Fund for Overworked Late Night Newsletter Editors . . . . when I snap my fingers, you will awake fully refreshed and won't remember anything. Snap snap!)

Hi Joe,
Thanks once again for emailing me your Newsletters.  I find them humorous, disturbing, crazy, informative, challenging, and a great number of other adjectives as well (some of which I wouldn't wish to print in an
email)! Thanks heaps Joe, Keep up the great work of challenging us to get off our butts and actually DO something about the state of the world! Toni

Re: Presidential Brain Power - Last Week's Newsletter
This is a spoof, but it is an interesting example of a thing being not true, but accurate. (Can I get a Boom, boom?) (snopes article)

And regarding the "missing" dollar in your The Final Headbutt tale: Rather than adding the two dollars the owner kept, you would in reality subtract it from the $27 actually paid by the three men, giving you the sale price of the case -- $25. Stated another way, the three men originally gave the owner $30. He gave them back $3, slipped $2 in his pocket and put $25 in the till for the case of wine. Total? $30
(This was a most excellent issue, by the way. I thoroughly enjoyed every item.) Best,

Hello Joe,
Here is a link to my wife's website forum, introducing a new short film, "Nectarsongs", that she's just completed. The film highlights issues of conditions for refugees and asylum seekers in detention within Australia. It also poses the question, "What if this were to happen to us?" Thanks again for your newsletter. It's a great hub for alternatives, larfs and un-spin.
Steve (site)

Hi Joe,
I especially like the Rastafarians angle to the light bulb joke . . . it'll have me giggling occasionally for a while I think . . . thanks for the humour! Cheers,

Note: Ok Antigone - how many Moonies does it take to change lightbulb? One to change the bulb and 400 to get married. How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb, and one to attach an e-meter to audit past-light engrams. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? One to feed the fish and one to change the tire on the fucking unicycle. How many Mime Artists does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the invisible lightbulb and 20 to build the stupid bullshit mime wall. How many Motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb? Depends on how you look at it - the glass could either be half-dark, or half-light. How many Joe Dolces does it take to change a lightbulb? One to plant a tomato plant in the empty socket and one to Shaddap You Electric account. Some one better stop me. I'm getting out of control here!)


RE: Unity for Peace
How about you all evolve and have unity for harmony? JINDI WORABACK ULURRU BOORANDARA. Love all, your mother and father.
Cheers, God Bless Mother Earth? Australia's First Treaty (copyright and trade mark) Habitat Creation, BUNJIL WARRIN NGARRAP BIIK
PO BOX 71 MERRI MERRI Northcote 3070, Australia. WOIWURRUNG Melbourne,
Daniel Kiag Australias_First_Treaty@hotmail.com


(And the last beautiful letter is from my sister, Kathy, in Ohio, regarding our late mother, Grace:)

Hi Joe,
I have some interesting news. I went to appraise a home later on in the evening . We stopped at the winery called Laurellos. . . . I was talking to the owner . . He makes an ice wine called "Sweet Genvieve" after his mother in law. For my 50th birthday, [my husband] Vince had my party there and they presented this wine to me. I spoke to them and told them my mother's name is Grace Dolce and that if they ever made another ice wine, our last name dolce meant sweet. I believed it would be the perfect name. He asked me a few months ago to send him a letter and tell me about our mom, so I did. Tonight he took us in the wine cellar. He gave us a glass and poured us a Cabernet Franc Ice Wine and told me that he will be presenting his new ice wine and it will be the most expensive wine he has to offer and he will be calling it "Grace Dolce". He asked me to choose a rose almost the color of the wine. The wine bottle will be a long slender bottle. Ice wine is well know in this area. It is a sweet almost like a dessert wine. It will be introduced by August, but he will probably have it earlier for us. I am so excited. Love,
Kathy (website)


Karl Rove Indicted on Charges of Perjury, Lying to Investigators
By Jason Leopold

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald spent more than half a day Friday at the offices of Patton Boggs, the law firm representing Karl Rove. During the course of that meeting, Fitzgerald served attorneys for former Deputy White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove with an indictment charging the embattled White House official with perjury and lying to investigators related to his role in the CIA leak case, and instructed one of the attorneys to tell Rove that he has 24 business hours to get his affairs in order, high level sources with direct knowledge of the meeting said Saturday morning.


by Greg Palast

The leader in the field of what is called "data mining," is a company, formed in 1997, called, "ChoicePoint, Inc," which has sucked up over a billion dollars in national security contracts.

Worried about Dick Cheney listening in Sunday on your call to Mom? That ain't nothing. You should be more concerned that they are linking this info to your medical records, your bill purchases and your entire personal profile including, not incidentally, your voting registration. Five years ago, I discovered that ChoicePoint had already gathered 16 billion data files on Americans -- and I know they've expanded their ops at an explosive rate. They are paid to keep an eye on you -- because the FBI can't. For the government to collect this stuff is against the law unless you're suspected of a crime. (The law in question is the Constitution.) But ChoicePoint can collect if for "commercial" purchases -- and under the Bush Administration's suspect reading of the Patriot Act -- our domestic spying apparatchiks can then BUY the info from ChoicePoint. (article)


Big Bother is Watching - Homeland (in)Security
I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method."  The FBI says you will not notice anything different.  For a demonstration, click on the link below.(You may have to cut and paste the link into your browser.) (article)

(thanks to Russell Hannah)

The Good, The Blond and the Ugly

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?"  She finally asked.

The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a small mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer glanced quickly at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
(thanks to Bill Lempke)


The Lessons of War That Few Have Learned
by John Grant
President of the Veterans for Peace chapter in Philadelphia

As I exited the Staten Island Ferry recently for an antiwar demonstration of 300,000 people down Broadway, a young man next to me noticed my 'Veterans for Peace' T-shirt.
"What war?" he asked.
"Thanks for your service," he said.
"The war never should have happened," I told him. "It's not something to thank me for."
"Thanks, anyway," he said as we parted.
As a veteran, you get "Thanks for your service" a lot. It always irritates me. I never quite know how to respond because I'm not proud of my service in Vietnam, and don't feel I should be thanked for it. (article)


by Jay Mankita

(Note: My friend, songwriter, Jay Mankita, who I first met when we both shared songspace on the great 'Protest Songs for a Better World', CD, produced in Canada, and again in Austin, Texas a couple of months ago at the US National Folk Alliance, has an interesting blog on his bio-diesel conversion car:)

" Here's how it works - I drive an '03 diesel jetta, which I really like, except that I spend far too much time in it so I hate it too! For the past couple of years, I've been using biodiesel fuel as often as possible. Biodiesel is made from 80% vegetable oil, and 20% alcohol. If it's made from waste (already used) veggie oil, the oil is filtered first, down to at least 5 microns, to remove the impurities. The glycerin is also removed from the oil, which reduces its viscosity. This fuel can be used in any diesel engine - no modification required - car, truck, or tractor, as long as its relatively warm. In the late fall to early spring, I used what's called B-20, which is a mixture of 20% biodiesel, and 80% (yuk) diesel fuel. With that mixture, the fuel won't gel up, even if it gets very cold.
  And now the conversion! I bought a kit from a company called Greasecar, based near Northampton, MA. They are only one of a number of companies that make conversion kits. I'm not making any recommendations on which company is the best, but I went with them because they are local, and I'd heard good things. I had the kit installed by a mechanic in Vermont named Mark Penta, who has a lot of experience installing this type of system.
  Here's how it works:
In my wheel well, under the carpeting in the back of the car, there is now installed a 15 gallon, round steel tank for the veggie oil. There is a fuel line running from that tank to my engine. That fuel line runs inside another tube (tube within a tube) that is a closed system, in which the engine coolant circulates. That tube is snaking back and forth at the bottom of the veggie oil tank. I start my car like I did before, from my regular tank (filled with 100% biodiesel right now). The engine starts warming up, and the coolant starts circulating through the outer tube, warming up the veggie oil. After 5 or 10 minutes, depending on the temperature, and how fast I'm driving, my temperature gauge goes up to about 190, and I flip the toggle switch on my dashboard. Voila! I am now running on 100% recycled veggie oil, which is flowing through the tube within the other heated tube, to the already warmed up engine. I can run all day like that, till I'm ready to stop for more than say, 30 minutes, in which case I sort of reverse the process. . ."



Da Vinci Score Rattles Censors

It opens with a mutilated body, features a series of bloody murders and even portrays a monk flagellating himself with a rope. But the most disturbing thing about the Hollywood adaptation of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code is its musical score and sound effects, the British Board of Film Classification says. The producers of the new $US75 million ($100 million) film were told that their request for a certificate suitable for 12 years and over was inappropriate because the film's score was too tense for young children, and its sound levels accentuated the violence. The board told executives at Sony that unless significant changes were made to the audio content they would end up with a restrictive certificate making it suitable only for 15 years and over. It is understood that the classification board viewed two different rough cuts of the film at the beginning of last month. The version that contained hardly any soundtrack is believed not to have raised any concerns. "It was when the movie was viewed again with the soundtrack that the problems emerged," a studio source said. "Everyone was full of praise for the score but the [board] felt that the way it was being used to build up the tension was simply too much for very young children. The [board] also thought that the film had a very high 'crunch factor'. You didn't just see the fight scenes, you heard the bones break."
Sony was forced to moderate the audio content and last week the board finally granted it the desired 12A certificate.
(From The Telegraph, London, 8 May, 2006)



Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."

Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The defendant.

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two soprano sax players reading off the same part.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind-driven manually operated pitch approximator.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.

Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.

Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the definition of optimism?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.

Q: Why do drummers leave a pair of drumsticks on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?
A: You can tune a chain saw.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball farther with a bassoon.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How many lead guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can play that!"

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

Q. What is a glissando?
A: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Q: Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived?
A: Mozart.

Q: Why is it hard to tell when singers are at your front door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist or drummer

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.

Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.

Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.

Q: How do you get a three-piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists' heads are smaller.

Q: Why are bagpipe players always moving?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well, honey, you know you can't do both."

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Did you hear about the tenor who was so arrogant the other tenors noticed?

Perfect Pitch: When an accordion gets thrown into a dumpster and it hits a banjo.
(thanks to Steve Reinthal)


The War of Internet Democracy
by Robert B. Reich

 This week, the House is expected to vote on something termed, in perfect Orwellian prose, the "Communications Opportunity, Promotion and Enhancement Act of 2006." It will be the first real battle in the coming War of Internet Democracy.

On one side are the companies that pipe the Internet into our homes and businesses. These include telecom giants like AT&T and Verizon, and cable companies like Comcast. Call them the pipe companies.

On the other side are the people and businesses that send Internet content through the pipes. Some are big outfits like Yahoo, Google, and Amazon, big financial institutions like Bank of America and Citigroup, and giant media companies soon to pump lots of movies and TV shows on to the Internet.

But most content providers are little guys. They're mom-and-pop operations specializing in, say, antique egg-beaters or Brooklyn Dodgers memorabilia. They're anarchists, kooks, and zealots peddling all sorts of crank ideas They're personal publishers and small-time investigators. They include my son's comedy troop, that streams new videos on the Internet every week. They also include gazillions of bloggers ­ including my humble little blog and maybe even yours.

Until now, a basic principle of the Internet has been that the pipe companies can not discriminate among content providers. Everyone who puts stuff up on the Internet is treated exactly the same. The net is neutral.

But now the pipe companies want to charge the content providers, depending on how fast and reliably the pipes deliver the content. Presumably, the biggest content providers would pay the most money, leaving the little content people in the slowest and least-reliable parts of the pipe. (article)


Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down . . . .
by David Letterman


10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
(thanks to Dai Woosnam)



Penis Stew Boom Boom!

1 pound of penis, ram's, bull's (if your butcher has trouble obtaining this, than you can substitute one belonging to Bush, Blair or Howard . . . but you may have to reduce the other ingredients by two-thirds. Boom boom!)

3 tbls. oil
1 large chopped onion
2 garlic cloves, peeled and chopped
1 tsp coriander seeds, crushed
1 tsp salt
freshly ground black pepper

Scald the penis. (Make sure it's detached first . . . or wear a helmet. Boom boom!) Then drain and clean. Place the penis in a saucepan, cover with cold water, and bring to a boil. Remove any scum. (This step, unfortunately, eliminates most of the Bush, Blair and Howard substitutions above so you might as well send out for a pizza. Boom boom! ).

Simmer for 10 minutes.
(Do the same with your pot of penii. Boom boom!)

Drain and slice. (You're allowed to laugh manically here. Think of Loreen Bobbitt. Boom boom!)

Heat the oil in a large skillet.
Add the onion, garlic, and coriander and fry until the onion is golden.
Add the penis slices and fry on both sides for a few minutes.
Stir in the remaining ingredients with a good grinding of pepper, add enough water to cover, and bring to a boil.
Lower the heat, cover, and simmer for about 2 hours, or until tender.
Add a little water from time to time if necessary to prevent burning
(or shriveling up into twisted and gnarled little gnome-like things. You may have trouble spotting the difference here anyway if you've used the John Howard alternative. Boom boom!)

It's said that this was originally a Jewish recipe from Marcelle Thomal. Apparently innards, including penis, once played a major role in Jewish cooking. (No doubt, prepared circumcised or uncircumcised, depending on who came for dinner. Boom boom!)

This recipe is taken from The Two Fat Ladies, Full Throttle by Clarissa Dickson and Jennifer Paterson. New York, Clarkson Potter, c1998.
(Thanks to Bert Christensen)



Between a good artist
And a great one
The novice
Will often lay down his tool
Or brush
Then pick up an invisible club
On the mind's table
And helplessly smash the easels and
Whereas the vintage man
No longer hurts himself or anyone
And keeps on

~ Hafiz ~
 (The Gift)


(True story!)

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards. In each card she carefully wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off. After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks under a pile of papers on her desk. Everyone on her gift list had received a beautiful Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside . . . but without the checks!