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Friday May 26th, 2006

Upon the Advice of My Attorney,
This Newsletter Bears No Message at This Time

"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."
Albert Einstein


Hi folks,

The picture above is of me with Molly Meldrum's hat. I just did a press call for the Herald-Sun with Leo Sayer, Daryl Braithwaite, Brian Mannix, Steven Cummings, Tottie Goldsmith and a few of the other artists I'm touring with on the upcoming Countdown Spectacular Tour, and Molly couldn't make it to the photo shoot so he sent along his hat. On my insistence, Leo Sayer posed for a couple of shots in it. It was remarkable. As soon as he put it on, he looked like a hobbit version of Molly. I got a chance to examine this legendary hat close up. (It was tres funky inside.) One of my goals is to get a photo of Molly on this tour with his hat off. So I'm getting closer.

This week I also will be working with Cindy Sheehan at the Unity for Peace Conference, where I am performing a few songs with my partner Lin Van Hek. Last night I sang at the Unity for Peace Public Meeting at RMIT where I shared a stage with Dr Salam Ismael, founder of Doctors for Iraq, Greens senator, Kerry Nettle, and of course Cindy Sheehan whom I was fortunate enough to sit next to. I am so impressed by strong women like Cindy who take public non-violent anti-war positions. Why? Because it is extra hard for women to promote non-violence and peace. The reason being: it comes precariously close to 'victimisation', - just standing there and letting someone lay into you, and threatening your children - without striking back. (This is NOT something that someone with a Sicilian-Calabrian background just falls into either, folks!) Passive victimisation of women is one of the things that feminism has sought to expose and change for decades. Mary Daly wrote this: ' . . . the qualities Christianity idealises especially for women are also those of a victim: sacrificial love, passive acceptance of suffering, humility, meekness, etc.'


Yet and still, non-violent activist Lynne Shiver adds: 'There are two parts of the issue of sacrifice. The first (what might be asked by feminists) asks: "Am I free to make a sacrifice of my own choice or am I forced to make a sacrifice that men decide for me?" '

So how does a peace-loving gal tell the difference? [Don't ask me. I'm a man. I'm part of the friggin' historical problem.] The person to go read and study is the great non-violent lesbian activist, BARBARA DEMING. (That's her on the right in the photo below.) One of my heroes. Deming marched with Martin Luther King Jr and wrote some of the most profound theory on non-violence ever. Ideas that have changed the way I think. Deming said: '...the challenge to those who believe in non- violent struggle is to learn to be aggressive enough. Non-violence has for too long been connected in (our) minds with the notion of passivity. . . I would substitute another word here [though] and re-name aggression: self-assertion.'


The literal meaning of aggression is: 'approaching'. Wilhem Reich refers to musculature, the system of motion and locomotion if: '. . aggressive sexuality' or more accurately, self-assertion, is blocked from gratification, the urge to obtain gratification remains . . . the impulse to obtain it by all possible means - the aggressive tone begins to drown out the tone of love . . . aggression becomes pleasurable as such. In this way, sadism arises. The loss of the real love aim results in hatred. One hates most when one is prevented from loving or being loved . . . '

Coretta Scott King wrote:

'. . Martin would be asked the inevitable question put to all men of his belief,
"what would you do if someone were attacking your wife?"
He would answer, then,
"I am not sure. But I hope that I would not respond with violence."
Later, as his ideals of non-violence were tested in fire,
he was able to answer more surely, confident out of his terrible experiences,
that he would not strike out . . . .
I suppose some people might think that, as a woman,
I would resent this attitude in my husband.
However, I held strong beliefs of my own
in the principles to which we had devoted our lives . . '
Coretta Scott King: 'My Life With Martin Luther King, Jr'.


Here is a show this Sunday afternoon you might enjoy if you are in the neighbourhood -



HARMONY ROW VINEYARD, PIPERS CREEK, VIC. - This Sunday, May 28th. Performing with LIN VAN HEK, in our literary-folk women-centred cabaret, DIFFICULTWOMEN, (and also an opening solo set), lunch and show. See WEBSITE for more specifics.

(Note: The mighty Adelaide Celtic rock band, THE BORDERERS, with be performing at Harmony Row, the week after us, on Sunday June 4th. More details next week - but for further information, see the above website.)



Hi Joe,   
Love the site and your newsletters and would apreciate being added to your mailing list.  Have sent other emails in the hope of enrolment in the Dolce school of disgruntled song-smiths but to no avail. Hope this gets me onboard?

(Note: All Aboarrrrrrrrd!!!!)

Re: Countdown Spectacular Tour
Will Jane Clifton be there with 'Girl In the Mirror'? I love that song!! saluti,

(Note: No, I don't think Jane is on the bill this time - but I could sing you, 'I Saw Your Face in the Bottom of my Chianti Bottle.' Would that do?)

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: [you said] They aren't. Violists' heads are smaller.... [no no no
Joe......violinists heads are BIGGER!!!]

And its EASY to tell that a singer is at the door because they can't find the key and don't know when to come in. love ya work, kate xxxxxooOoooxxx

(Note: Kate, sweetheart, a bunch of little pecky xxxx kisses, with a lot of little circle kisses and a sloppy big round bottom-feeder blind eel sucker kiss in the middle to you, too. Here's some more work to thrill you:)

Q: How do you make a double bass sound in-tune?
A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone

Hi Joe,
Subject: Old Diggers
Phillip Frazer here.  Sorry you missed my birthday party but Austin was probably even more fun .  . .  As the bloke who started The Digger, Australia's counterculture magazine in the 1970s, I find myself in possession of just two copies of the dear old rag.  We -- a shifting collective of culture types, commies, feminists and bitzers -- published over 40 issues of The Digger between 72 and 76, and if anyone has any of them I'd love to beg, borrow or buy some.  I'll be in Melbourne during the writers festival late August but anyone with a Digger to offer could contact me in New York at: email,

Subject: Damn!
"Come Out of the White House with Your Hands Up!"
 Did you see this gorgeous inspired headline Joe?   Omigod I wish I'd written that! Cheers, 
Mac H

(Note: Mac is referring to ex-Bush Administration insider, Morgan Reynolds, berating top administration and military officials for the 9/11 inside job at an enthusiastic standing-room-only crowd for the Wisconsin Historical Society.) article


Top Rejected Action Hero Catch Phrases

"I'll be back. As long as I'm going, do you want anything from the Body Shop?"
"I'm about to give you one more reason to vote for universal health care!"
"You just messed with the wrong motivational speaker, my friend!"



Religious Liberals Gain New Visibility
By Caryle Murphy and Alan Cooperman

The religious left is back. Long overshadowed by the Christian right, religious liberals across a wide swath of denominations are engaged today in their most intensive bout of political organizing and allianc -building since the civil rights and anti-Vietnam War movements of the 1960s, according to scholars, politicians and clergy members. In large part, the revival of the religious left is a reaction against conservatives' success in the 2004 elections in equating moral values with opposition to abortion and same-sex marriage. Religious liberals say their faith compels them to emphasize such issues as poverty, affordable health care and global warming. Disillusionment with the war in Iraq and opposition to Bush administration policies on secret prisons and torture have also fueled the movement. (article)



" I've got both the Joe Dolce [Christmas] album and the "We Are the World" album (and they're both pretty good, actually.)" -- xhuxk
"Wasn't his story that he made a fortune from the single and financed his own LP and lost the lot?" --
Brigadier Lethbridge-Pfunkboy

(Note: Hey hey hey! What's this 'lost the lot' crap? That's how much you know, Mr Brigadier Know-It-All. I didn't lose anything. I'm still making hundreds of dollars a year. I'm a multi-thousandaire several times over. Anyway, I prefer to look at it as 'investing in myself - with a gain to be realized at a later date.' Or another way: 'You makes your deposit in the Northside but you takes your withdrawal from the Southside.')

"Microsoft has chosen the name "Vienna" for the version of Windows due after Vista. Children of the 1980s or earlier will of course immediately recall the thumping pop smash of the same name by Midge Ure's old band, Ultravox. The group's magnum opus Vienna was of course famously kept off the coveted number one spot in the hit parade by novelty act (note: ouch!) Joe Dolce singing (if it can be called singing (note: double ouch!) Shaddap a Your Face. "What's a matter you? Hey! Gotta no respect. Hey! It's a terrible song. Hey! Ah shaddup a your face" etc, etc. No doubt open source aficionados will already be planning a version of Linux codenamed, 'Shaddap You Face,' for 2008." IT Week

(Note: All I have to say to this peckerheaded geek, in the nicest possible way, is: 'Ah Shaddap-a You Interface!' - See the next story, probably about his dad.)


Revealed: The identity of the BBC's latest star


A computer expert has described his astonishment at seeing the BBC's 24-hour news channel interview supposed taxi driver Guy Goma in the mistaken belief it was him. Guy Kewney - a white, bearded technology expert - was astonished to see himself appear on screen as a black man with an apparent French accent. He was even more shocked to see himself unable to answer basic questions about the legal battle between the Beatles' Apple Corps and Apple Computer over the use of an apple symbol. Mr Kewney, an IT journalist, watched as Mr Goma, whose identity remained a mystery until it was revealed on Monday night by the BBC, gamely attempted to answer questions fired at him by BBC consumer affairs correspondent Karen Bowerman. Mr Goma, a graduate from the Congo, described his surprise interview ordeal as "very stressful". He found himself being ushered into a studio and fitted with a microphone after raising his hand when a producer called out the name Guy Kewney.
On his website, the real Mr Kewney, said that the man "seemed as baffled as I felt" when asked about the consequences of the lawsuit live on BBC News 24. It is unclear why Mr Goma identified himself when Mr Kewney's named was called. Only when Ms Bowerman announced live on air the name and title of the man who should have been there and asked the first question did the driver realise there had been a mix-up. A BBC spokeswoman said: "Unfortunately we did make a mistake and the wrong person was interviewed briefly on air before we cut to our reporter. "We apologise to viewers for any confusion." Read the transcript of the interview below... (article and interview)

(Note: This is FUNNY! You can read the transcript of the interview and even watch it online. Note the poor guy's look of horror when they introduce him as Mr Kewney. He was just a London cabdriver there to make a pickup. But he still struggles to answer the questions the best he can. Man, someone give this guy a sandwich. You recall, the sharp-shooting BBC also started the widespread, and ultimately false rumour, that 'Shaddap You Face' had been voted the Worst Song in History (from a sampling of about 100 brain-dead and ecstasy addled 17 year old late-night listeners, no doubt) and also that The Beatles were voted Worst Album in History with 'Sgt Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band.' Uh Huh! Probably be awarding the Two Fat Ladies, the Annual Vegetarian of the Year Award and Tony Blair, the Iraq Peace Prize and Large Penis Award, next.)

George W. Bush Monument Committee

Dear Friends:
I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington D. C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington who never told a lie or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the Greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

Thank you.
George W. Bush Monument Committee
(thanks to Joy Holloway and Dai Woosnam)

Pass the Bread
by Bill Moyers

(Text of Baccalaureate Address, Hamilton College, Clinton, NY)

I will make this brief because I know you have much to do between now and your farewell to Hamilton tomorrow, and that you are eager to get out and enjoy this perfect day in this glorious weather that somehow never gets mentioned in your promotional and recruitment literature.

One of my closest friends and colleagues, David Bate, graduated in 1938, and patriot that he is, headed right for the U.S. Navy where he served throughout World War II. David's father graduated from Hamilton in 1908 and two of his children continued the tradition. I asked David what he learned at Hamilton and he told me Hamilton is where you discover that being smart has nothing to do with being warm and dry...Just kidding! Thank you for inviting Judith and me to share this occasion with you. Fifty years ago both of us turned the same corner you are turning today and left college for the great beyond. Looking back across half a century I wish our speaker at the time had said something really useful--something that would have better prepared us for what lay ahead. I wish he had said: "Don't Go."

So I have been thinking seriously about what I might say to you in this Baccalaureate service. Frankly, I'm not sure anyone from my generation should be saying anything to your generation except, "We're sorry. We're really sorry for the mess you're inheriting. We are sorry for the war in Iraq. For the huge debts you will have to pay for without getting a new social infrastructure in return. We're sorry for the polarized country. The corporate scandals. The corrupt politics. Our imperiled democracy. We're sorry for the sprawl and our addiction to oil and for all those toxins in the environment. Sorry about all this, class of 2006. Good luck cleaning it up." (article)


True Courtroom Tales

"We don't want to discourage the innovators and those who take risks because they're afraid of getting sued by a lawsuit."
George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. June 24, 2004

(This policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...)

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

(The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.)
- thanks again to Dai Woosnam.


. . . . CAUTION: You are about to enter . . . THE TWILIGHT NO-SPIN ZONE . . . . .


" I've used Scientology to help me be successful in school. The Study Technology created by L. Ron Hubbard helped me get my engineering degree, and my Masters degree in computer science. I've met some really terrific people who are Scientologists. We have the best times with Scientologists as they REALLY know how to have FUN! " Joe Dolce WEBSITE

(Note: Wha???? Another Joe Dolce? Leave me alone! First the gay editor of Playboy - then a Montana elk hunting tour guide. I had this delusion for years that I was special. The ONLY Joe Dolce. Guess not. THIS Joe Dolce is obviously manifesting a repressed variation of the one we all know and love (a la Bizarro world) - and payback time for all the 'reporting' I've done in previous newsletters on Scientology. That could even mean that the next iteration of Joe Dolce might even be this: MY NAME IS JOE DOLCE AND I'M REALLY GEORGE W BUSH.)





Humanity is sitting on a ticking time bomb. If the vast majority of the world's scientists are right, we have just ten years to avert a major catastrophe that could send our entire planet into a tail-spin of epic destruction involving extreme weather, floods, droughts, epidemics and killer heat waves beyond anything we have ever experienced.

If that sounds like a recipe for serious gloom and doom -- think again. From director Davis Guggenheim comes the Sundance Film Festival hit, AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH, which offers a passionate and inspirational look at one man's fervent crusade to halt global warming's deadly progress in its tracks by exposing the myths and misconceptions that surround it. That man is former Vice President Al Gore, who, in the wake of defeat in the 2000 election, re-set the course of his life to focus on a last-ditch, all-out effort to help save the planet from irrevocable change. In this eye-opening and poignant portrait of Gore and his "traveling global warming show," Gore also proves himself to be one of the most misunderstood characters in modern American public life. Here he is seen as never before in the media - funny, engaging, open and downright on fire about getting the surprisingly stirring truth about what he calls our "planetary emergency" out to ordinary citizens before it's too late. website


Heather Mills McCartney Fact & Fiction Page

Have you noticed how the media is starting to use the titles of Beatles songs to illustrate the recent break-up between Heather Mills and Paul McCartney?
'Got to Get You Out of My Life'
'We Can't Work It Out'?

I can think of some others:

'All My Hating'
'Untogether Now'
'All You Need Is Law'
'Getting Worse'
'Bad Day Sunburn'
'Goodbye Goodbye'
'Here, There and Get Out of Here'
'I Feel Unfine'
'I Don't Want To Hold Your Hand'
'Lucy in the Sky With Affidavids'
'Penny Leg'
'She Came in Through the Courtroom Window'

etc etc.
(How many can you think of, boys and girls?)
To be fair, here's Heather's website devoted to debunking the fiction on the various rumours.
(Personally, I'm on her side. I've always thought Paul was a suck.)



By Matthew Rothschild

(John Dean was Nixon's White House counsel for three years and then testified against him. He is the author, most recently, of "Worse Than Watergate: The Secret Presidency of George W. Bush.")

Q: Tell me what your lasting impressions are of Richard Nixon.
In a way, he's a comic figure. In other ways, he's a tragic figure. I have a memory of a very complex man locked in my synapses.

Q: How long did you work for him?
A thousand days. When you listen to him on the tapes, he would be one person with his chief of Staff Bob Haldeman, he'd be somebody else with Henry Kissinger, he'd be somebody else with me. He had these different personae. I don't think he ever had great administrative skills for the Presidency. He was slow to interact with his staff. He was very stiff. It was kind of like walking onto a set of an Oval Office when I used to first go into see him. But later on I'd walk in and he'd have his feet on the desk and he'd be talking to me around his shoes. He was uneasy. In fact, one of the interesting things about Nixon is that we had to prepare something called talking papers for him. Anytime we brought someone in the office to meet the President, because he had a zero gift of gab, you literally had to have a few sentences, buzzwords, thoughts, so he could start a conversation with this person. Alex Butterfield, who ushered more people into the office than anybody else, told me that occasionally if Nixon didn't have this he was literally speechless. (interview)


Pumpkin Seed Brittle

(Bright green organic pumpkin seeds in a sheet of amber crystalized sugar brittle. This one is from the babe of the bain marie, Nigella Lawson. We've been munching on this all week and it reeks havoc with your teeth, but it tastes great and looks so elegant that you just can't stop.)

250g castor sugar
125ml water
1/4 teas cream of tartar (optional)
125g green organic pumpkin seeds

Place a piece of foil on a baking sheet and oil lightly.
Dissolve sugar, water and cream of tartar in saucepan over low heat.
Bring mixture to boil but do not stir. Let syrup bubble, over high heat, for about 10 minutes (watching it like a hawk!) until it turns a golden amber colour. (DO NOT SPACE OUT as the syrup can brown and burn in five seconds and then you have to start over.) As soon as the extreme edges of the syrup begin to darken, tip the pumpkin seeds into the syrup, swirl to coat evenly and remove from heat. AT ONCE: pour the syrup onto the tin foil you have prepared and immediately smooth as flat and even as you can with a metal spatula. You will only have a minute to do this before the syrup begins to harden, so work quickly.
Leave the brittle to cool and harden completely before breaking into pieces.
(from 'Feast', by Nigella Lawson, Chatto & Windus)



Our new dog, named for the beloved poet,
ate a book which unfortunately we had
left unguarded.
Fortunately, it was the Bhagavad Gita,
of which many copies are available.
Every day now, as Percy grows
into the beauty of his life, we touch
his wild, curly head and say,
"Oh, wisest of little dogs."
I have a little dog who likes to nap with me.
He climbs on my body and puts his face in my neck.
He is sweeter than soap.
He is more wonderful than a diamond necklace,
which can't even bark.
I would like to take him to Kashmir and the Ukraine,
and Jerusalem and Palestine and Iraq and Darfur,
that the sorrowing thousands might see his laughing mouth.
I would like to take him to Washington, right into
the oval office
where Donald Rumsfeld would crawl out of the president's
and kneel down on the carpet, and romp like a boy.
For once, for a moment, a rational man.
~ Mary Oliver ~
(New and Selected Poems, Volume II)






The Final Hurrah

(Seen On T-Shirt:)

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney,
 My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time