JOE DOLCE NEWSLETTER
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Friday May 29th, 2009
To Write From the Other Side
"I guess the man's a genius, but what a dirty mind he has, hasn't he?"
Nora Joyce (James Joyce’s wife, on Molly Bloom's sexy 60-page monologue at the end of Ulysses)
Hi folks,
The Abruzzo Earthquake Appeal this week at the Coburg Town Hall was a creative and financial success, raising some needed funds for the people in L’Aquila, Italy. One of the highlights was being asked to join in on the massed choral finale of Va, Pensiero, by Verdi, with La Voce Della Luna and Coro Casa D’ Abruzzo. The Friday before the concert, there was an article and photo in the local Italian-language newspaper, Il Globo – but the really amazing part was that in the food section of the paper, there were six recipes for baccala! I spent a few hours furiously translating some of these gems into English which I will most likely be sharing with you over the next couple of months. Speaking of Il Globo, here’s an old Italiano tune that was a hit in Australia, by The Globos, back in the 80s:
Tintarella De Luna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5GzePATVmQ
WHY DID THE WRITER CROSS THE ROAD?
I mentioned last week that my friend, and writer, Arnold Zable, was injured in a car accident recently. He’s back on his feet and is doing well and invited me to come and help entertain some of the folks at the Royal Melbourne Hospital next week for a healing-with-humour afternoon led by a woman who is apparently a force of nature known as ‘Dolly’. (Can’t wait!) Novelist, Stephen King, was also hit by a car a few years ago. Both writers have written creative accounts of their experience and this has prompted me to create the Why Did the Writer Cross the Road? project, perhaps to help raise some awareness so other writers look both ways before they cross – like mama used to say. Feel free to send your contributions and I will endeavor to print some next week. Here are a few I came up with:
Q: Why did the writer cross the road?
A: “To write from the other side.”
Q: Why did the writer cross the road?
A: “Then I asked it with my eyes to ask again yes and then it asked me would I yes to say yes my road flower and first I put my feet on it yes and lay down on it so it could feel my breasts all perfume yes and the bitumen was going like mad and yes I said yes I will cross Yes.”
Q: Why did the writer cross the road?
A: “A road is a road is a road is a road.”
Q: Why did the writer cross the road?
A: “Across the road, the writers come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.”
Q: Why did the writer cross the road?
A: “ A cup of coffee,
A cigarette, the road ….
There is no other life!”
Q: Why did the writer cross the road?
A: “Moonlight scrimshaws
Old bone of road.
Ghosts of chickens bark.”
Q: Why did the writer cross the road?
A: “ A freshly paved highway, invitingly splaying out, steamed like a flirty ladyboy with a bad case of Thai clap. The wounded journalist slapped his two bare feet, like cojoined Siamese penii, against the burning black tar, and jerked à la Jerry Lewis towards the other side.”
Q: Why did the writer cross the road?
A: “ Roadways to right of them,
Roadways to left of them,
Roadways in front of them,
Cloverleaf’d wonder,
Under and Overpass,
Jinglewriters walking fast,
Into the ghastly fog,
Into the freeway smog,
Crossed the six hundred.”
Q: Why did the writer cross the road?
A: “When I was a boy, hey,
I used to cross the road,
The man hold-a my hand, hey,
He wore a yellow coat,
Off to school I walk, hey,
Across the crosswalk,
I no jaywalk.
Mama used to say, hey.
When you cross the road,
Look-a both ways,
Or get-a squashed like a toad,
You make a big-a mess,
So listen and SHADDUP,
‘Cause I no clean it up!”
Q: Why did the writer cross the road?
A: “ Pondering the question, Algonquin J Periwinkle, placed a well-polished Italian loafer onto the wet stinking dirt track. He didn’t see the late model Mercedes cement truck bearing down on him at 100 km, smashing him flatter than a Barnes and Noble bookmark. The last thought sputtering in the roadkill of his brain was:
‘Ah . . . I guess I’ll never finish that Why Did the Writer Cross the Road jo... ’ ”
FAVOURITE LETTERS OF THE WEEK
Dear Joe,
Your subconscious has been working overtime, Joe. (But more of that later!)
Thanks for your ever-welcome mental food.
I was tempted to write with raised eyebrow at your inclusion of "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" in your list of "memorable" films [by Penelope Cruz]. (I would have said "memorable" perhaps, but for all the wrong reasons.)
However, I resisted the temptation on Mark Twain's grounds of "difference of opinion is what makes for horse races".
However, as we both worship at the shrine of D.A. Pennebaker, I figure that we need to remind your readers that 'twas he who made Don't Look Back, not Nicolas Roeg*.
His chilling masterpiece (from the very decent - but still somewhat inferior - Daphne Du Maurier novel) was - as I know you well knew (before your love of Dylan reared its head in your subconscious) - entitled "Don't Look Now."
Hope you are in fine fettle. * Oh Joe, please don't think it's a "let's all gang up on Joe" day, but I have to tell you that you got the spelling of his first name wrong. Not the conventional "Nicholas". No "h". Kindest, Dai
David "Dai" Woosnam
35 Woodrow Park
Scartho, Grimsby
DN33 2EF, UK
daigress@hotmail.com
(Note: True, Di, true. Lazy spelling will be the deth of me.)
Hi Joe,
It is SO good to have a man echo my thoughts and feelings about the older man younger woman scenario (I'm not talking about just a few years here, but a serious cohort difference). It always amazes me how some men justify their penchant for younger woman by saying "all my friends say I look younger than I am," or "I still feel young on the inside," as if looking and feeling younger makes them compatible with someone of the opposite sex who actually IS younger (rather than a woman of a similar age who also looks and feels younger than she is). As someone who was severely burned by these situations in my youth I completely agree about the power imbalances and think these men are deluding themselves and using others to avoid dealing with some of the harder things about reality (such as the fact they, like every one must age), and are perhaps also missing some of the gifts of aging as well, not to mention the gifts of a mature relationship with an equal. And if they really ARE the same in mind and heart as a younger person, then the younger person misses out doubly. Not only does she get a man with an older body than hers: she also gets an immature man who has not got much capacity for growing and learning as he goes through life!
In my case, and I suspect it is the same for many young girls, the attraction was a ridiculous belief that the interest of an older man made me more mature and somehow "special" and he was attracted to me IN SPITE of my youth. It's often not till much later that you realise the truth and the damage within yourself that you need to undo. Thank goodness it is possible to undo it. Thanks for the heads up. I think I will steer away from that movie. P.S. I don't always have time to read your newsletters, but I certainly enjoy some of the gems in them when I do. Raelene
Dear Joe
Thanks for another enlightening missive. Surprising that you didnt knit Jung into your stunning confection - though doubtless you'll do that one day - and kudos for taking on the Brisbane Archdiocese as well as US Fundamentalists in one fell swoop. There are keen similarities. The Brisbane Archdiocesan paper, The Catholic Leader, has been used to excoriate Fr Peter Kennedy's reputation with nary an opportunity for him to reply. Each week sees yet another absurd promulgation from the Archdiocesan canon lawyer, one Adrian Farrelly, who really ought to know the difference between the Kingdom and the institution but is, I guess, simply doing his job, as no doubt he imagines Jesus did. The test of his authenticity will be when he gets crucified, except that his boring legalistic canonical rhetoric is set on sending Peter to the gibbet. Meanwhile its interesting that hundreds continue to celebrate mass at the Trades and Labour Council as part of St Mary's in Exile, while the Archbishop keeps assuring his non-existent flock that he's getting things back on track and the columns of The Catholic Leader are devoted to Obama's wickedness in placing the presidential seal on a more liberal abortion act. We clearly need a Joan Chittister in Australia: a Benedictine nun, she has done the rounds of this country before and one of her most interesting tracts is 'No Time for Nicodemus', ('Nicodemus came to Jesus under the respectable cover of night....There is no time for Nicodemus now. There is no time for the silent, the stealthy, the safe....etc.') which I attach. Stay blest, Joe. Michele
No Time for Nicodemus
http://tomorrowstrust.ca/?p=443
Ancient Egyptian Eye Makeup
"...Egyptian women painted their mouths to repel demons, NOT to attract men."
Lin Van Hek, Katherine Mansfield's Black Paper Fan
‘ . . . What separated rich from poor was not the existence of makeup but the expense and luxury of containers and applicators. Everyone had galena powder however while the poor resorted to sticks to apply it, the wealthy had intricately carved and bejeweled containers of ivory or other precious materials. That the Egyptians decorated their eyes with great aesthetic care is immediately obvious. Galena possesses disinfectant and fly-deterrent properties. It is believed to offer the eyes protection from intense sun. The medical papyri frequently prescribe mesdemet for assorted complaints of the eye. Eye make up provided psychic protection as well. The Egyptian word for eye-palette seems to derive from their word for "protect." An unadorned and thus unprotected eye was believed vulnerable to the Evil Eye. Outlining the eyes thus became a personal protective amulet drawn right upon the skin; an amulet that once applied could not be lost or misplaced. There may very well also have been further spiritual dimensions to eye makeup. Perhaps wearing malachite placed one solidly under Hathor's protection and Hathor was a very prominent goddess, with centers of worship throughout Egypt and as far a field as Byblos. In modern India, henna powder (mehendi) is believed to contain something of the essence of the goddess Lakshmi, who, like Hathor, was a powerful goddess of beauty, good fortune and benevolence. When henna is applied to the body, some small measure of Lakshmi's sacred presence and protection is to be imparted to the wearer. Thus the potential for transforming an everyday activity such as eye makeup application into a personal, sacred and protective ritual. The associations between Hathor and malachite were very strong. Perhaps applying the powder to one's body was to partake of something of the essence of Hathor herself. Certainly kohl, as galena is known today, contains spiritual significance to many modern North African women. It is a material and substance to be treated with awe and respect: in a Moroccan tradition, for instance, kohl serves as a reminder of the Kaaba, Islam's holy black stone housed in Mecca...’
http://www.touregypt.net/magazine/mag09012000/mag4.htm
OLD MEDICINES
Bayer's Heroin
A bottle of Bayer's heroin. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to treat children with strong cough.
Coca Wine
Metcalf Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.
Mariani Wine
Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.
Opium for Asthma
Cocaine tablets (1900)
All stage actors, singers teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to "smooth" the voice.
Cocaine Drops for Toothache
Very popular for children in 1885. Not only they relieved the pain, they made the children happy!
Opium for Newborn's
I'm sure this would make them sleep well (not only the Opium, but 46% alcohol!!!!!)
(thanks to Bill Lempke)
Galactic Center of Milky Way Rises over Texas Star Party
http://vimeo.com/4505537?pg=embed&sec=&hd=1
(thanks to Ramon Sender)
What I’m Reading This Week
Will It Be Funny Tomorrow, Billy - by Stephen Cumpings. This is an entertaining one-evening read by the Melbourne singer – kind of a synaptically short-circuiting memoir/confessional, primarily, of his experience in the music industry. Filled with local identities – anyone from overseas will be asking, ‘who the fuck are most of these people?’ - it kind of reminds me of a gossip column for the local school newspaper. Creatively written, it kept me interested and when I stumbled on a reference to myself, I really started paying attention. He is talking about how, during the 2006 Countdown Spectacular Tour, he was more comfortable in the girl’s dressing room than the boys. He confesses: “Soon word got around that I was hanging around with the girls, and other chaps began dropping in to have their make-up done, which was a drag for me. I missed the quiet and I liked being the commanding male presence. In the male dressing room you risked getting cornered by Joe Dolce. Joe was always telling you about the Middle East or making you sign some petition or wanting to stick you on his email list and send you daily commentaries on this or that world disaster.”
George M. Cohan, the father of American musical comedy, once said: “I don't care what you say about me, as long as you say something about me, and as long as you spell my name right.”
After finishing his book, I realized that these type of faux-cynical comments are Stephen Cumpings’ way of saying he cares. His narrative does omit, however, the fascinating and claustrophobic dressing room adventures in first three days of the Countdown Tour, in Newcastle, when Molly Meldrum, Leo Sayer, Renee Geyer, Stephen Cumpings and I shared a single dressing room the size of a large bathroom. Literally. you could not move in that room – Leo, in the corner on his laptop, looking at pictures of his race car and new Hong Kong girlfriend and Molly commandeering the shower area to hang his Liberace wardrobe. I was giving a shoulder massage to an appreciative Renee Geyer, with Stephen lying on the floor, due to his own back ailment. Renee suggested I give him a shoulder massage, too - I offered but he nervously declined. He did sign my petition, however, for larger dressing rooms in the Middle East.
What I’m Watching This Week
Manhunt – directed by Fritz Lang (1941 B&W). A British legendary big game hunter vacationing in Bavaria, while gazing through his gunsights, stumbles on Adolf Hitler in his retreat. He squeezes the trigger on an empty chamber for fun. Then, deciding that he wants to do it for real, puts a live round in the chamber. He is interrupted by a German sentry before he can fire, captured, beaten, left for dead, but escapes back to London where he is hounded by German agents, including a Nazi big game hunter, who knows of his reputation as a stalker, and determined to stalk and capture him.
The Outer Limits – collection of the fabulous mid-60s tv shows which I was addicted to when I was a kid. Remember this? -
“ There is nothing wrong with your television set.
Do not attempt to adjust the picture.
We are controlling transmission.
If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume.
If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper.
We will control the horizontal.
We will control the vertical.
We can roll the image, make it flutter.
We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity.
For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear.
We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your television set.
You are about to participate in a great adventure.
You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to...
The Outer Limits.”
Writers for The Outer Limits included Joseph Stefano, screenwriter of Hitchcock's Psycho, who was the series' first-season producer and creative guiding force. The series had a huge influence on Gene Roddenberry who later created Star Trek. He was often present on the set while they were shooting and many of the Star Trek regulars first appeared in Outer Limits episodes including: Leonard Nimoy ("Production and Decay of Strange Particles" and "I, Robot") and William Shatner ("Cold Hands, Warm Heart"), James Doohan ("Expanding Human") and Grace Lee Whitney ("Controlled Experiment"). Harlan Ellison contended that inspiration for James Cameron's 'Terminator' had come in part from Ellison's work on The Outer Limits. Cameron conceded the influence. Ellison was awarded money and an end-credits mention in The Terminator (1984). One episode in particular that I have never forgotten from my youth was called ‘ The Architects of Fear’. A group of earth scientists, believing that the only way to bring peace on earth is to create a threat from outside that will unite all countries, try to create an ‘alien’ and convince people into believing it has come from another planet. They draw straws and the short straw scientist is biologically altered in every way possible, including breathing nitrogen. They didn’t show the alien creature until near the end of the show. Censors, feeling the creature was too intense for children and prime time viewing, cut every frame of the alien from the episode, but said that the unedited version would be shown again at midnight on the night of broadcast. Naturally, we all stayed up late to see it. It looks pretty hokey today but was terrifying back then. By the way, it’s probably just a coincidence, but the ‘alien’ was supposed to have come from a planet called Theta, which would have made him a Thetan, which is a current Scientology term.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thetan
Grey Gardens – Two films with the same title: one a documentary from 1975, by Albert and David Maysles, and Ellen Hovde, and the other, a recent 2009 dramatization, directed by Michael Sucsy, with Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore. The story of Edith "Big Edie" Ewing Bouvier Beale and her daughter Edith "Little Edie" Bouvier Beale, the aunt and first cousin of Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis. The two women lived together at their home, called Grey Gardens, for decades with limited funds, resulting in squalor and almost total isolation (we’re talking big rats, sick cats, possums and raccoons running amok, piles of soup cans filling the fireplaces, filth, tunnels of debris, ceilings falling in – you name it - until, with demolition orders in place, and tons of press attention linking the mother and daughter to to her famous cousin - Jackie Onassis and her new husband, Aristotle, step in to totally renovate the old house and rescue them. I believe the two ‘Edies’ were the first reality stars, ahead of their time. Nothing is held back. Staggering. Watch both these films: first the doco, then the new movie. Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore should both get Academy Bag Lady of the Year Awards for capturing the essence, tragedy and humour of this strange co-dependent pair. "Big Edie" died in 1977 and "Little Edie" sold the house in 1979 to former Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee. "Little Edie" died in 2002 at the age of 84.
What I’m Listening to This Week
Mahalia Jackson - Just A Closer Walk With Thee. Tribute to Louis Armstrong at the 1971 Newport Jazz Festival. Louis died days later and Mahalia passed that year as well. One of the great gospel performances.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9Qq_cVoLzs
(thanks to Frank Dolce)
COLLECTION OF CURRENT FRONT PAGES - IN REAL TIME - FROM INTERNATIONAL NEWSPAPERS
http://www.newseum.org/todaysfrontpages/flash/
(thanks again to Frank)
~ FAMOUS DOLCES OF THE WORLD ~
Domenico Dolce
Dolce & Gabbana
“ . . Thickset, silent, adores black colour, prefers to spend evenings of the house because likes rest and a solitude. It comes from Sicily where his family owned small studio. From 6 years the boy worked on grab for the father, almost blindly could sew a sleeve to a jacket (for as has received a nickname "Mozart" - a pier, this boy the same god in cutting and sewing art, as Mozart - in music). At leisure, as entertainment, created from rags tiny suits and dresses. The life to Sicily flows under the laws which have developed of many centuries back - deaf black dresses of local women, a narrow woollen suit which Domeniko was authorised to be put on only on Sunday, going in church, the brilliant Italian machoes who are able so is negligent and so elegantly to carry hats, continuous domostroj and a word of the father which is stronger than any locks. Mother especially did not indulge him - the family was not from rich so neither on expensive toys, nor on new things to count it was not necessary.”
Swerving Driver Caught in Drunken Sex Act
A Darwin man has been fined $1400 and had his license disqualified for six months after being caught drink-driving while having sex.
The Darwin Magistrates Court heard that a ute being driven by 33-year-old builder Bradley Dean Milne was seen by another driver veering onto the wrong side of a busy Darwin road one afternoon last month. The concerned driver only realised what was going on in the ute when both cars stopped at a set of traffic lights.
Police say Milne was engaged in a sexual romp with his female passenger that continued for several kilometres. The court heard that when Milne turned onto another road, his passenger climbed onto his lap and he continued to swerve down the road.
He was stopped by police a short time later and recorded a blood alcohol reading of 0.09. Milne's lawyer said he was embarrassed and ashamed about the incident.
He pleaded guilty to five charges, including driving without a seatbelt and drink driving.
(Note: I wonder what the other charges were? Practicing Tantric Mounted Yantra Technique at an Expired Meter? One-Leg-up Posture in the Handicapped Parking Space? Canyon Yodeling in a No-Giving-Head Zone? )
Tantric Positions:
http://www.caitlainscorner.com/content/view/492/69/
Dirty Slang Archives
http://www.dirtyslang.com/
RECIPE
RUOTO DI PATATE
(Casserole of Potatoes with Tomatoes)
I’ve been looking in Google images for creative looking Italian dishes, in Italian, and then painstakingly translating them into English. Not only am I discovering off-the-beaten track recipes but also improving my Italian! Here’s something I made this week, first in Italian, then my rough-ass translation. Doesn’t matter – it came out brilliant!
RUOTO DI PATATE
Il mio ruoto è di 20cm, le patate quattro, la cipolla una, i pomodori sei o sette, i tempi, 45’ di forno.
Ovvero saporiti di per sé altrettanto, mi sono concessa dell’origano, abbondante, e del basilico.
Allora: Affettate finemente la cipolla, sbucciate e tagliate a spicchi sottili le patate, mescolate l’una e le altre condendo con abbondante olio d’oliva. Salate con fleur de sel (altra variante), condite con abbondante origano e basilico. Mescolate ancora, preferibilmente con le mani, in intimità.
Mettete sul fondo della teglia. Io ho usato, onore al merito, un piccolo ruoto da pastiera; come vi dicevo, di 20cm di diametro.
Affettate a spicchi i pomodori, disponeteli a raggiera fitta sulla patate, pressate. Oliate ancora: Isabella dice di non lesinare. Salate con altro fleur de sel. In forno a 200° per 45’.
RUOTO DI PATATE
(CASSEROLE OF POTATOES WITH TOMATOES)
4-5 potatoes
1 onion
7 small-medium sweet organic tomatoes
fresh oregano and basil, chopped (or dried oregano and fresh basil)
olive oil
salt
Directions:
Chop the onion into a fine dice.
Cut tomatoes into quarters.
Peel and cut the potatoes into large slices, just big enough to fit approximately under each tomato quarter.
Place the potatoes and onions in a large bowl. Add salt and olive oil, oregano and basil. Mix well with the hands.
Place potatoes on bottom of casserole and press tomatoes firmly and gently over the potatoes.
Sprinkle with oil and salt. (Don’t skimp!)
Bake at 200 C for 45 minutes- 1 hour.
The Last Words Of My English Grandmother
There were some dirty plates
and a glass of milk
beside her on a small table
near the rank, disheveled bed—
Wrinkled and nearly blind
she lay and snored
rousing with anger in her tones
to cry for food,
Gimme something to eat—
They're starving me—
I'm all right I won't go
to the hospital. No, no, no
Give me something to eat
Let me take you
to the hospital, I said
and after you are well
you can do as you please.
She smiled, Yes
you do what you please first
then I can do what I please—
Oh, oh, oh! she cried
as the ambulance men lifted
her to the stretcher—
Is this what you call
making me comfortable?
By now her mind was clear—
Oh you think you're smart
you young people,
she said, but I'll tell you
you don't know anything.
Then we started.
On the way
we passed a long row
of elms. She looked at them
awhile out of
the ambulance window and said,
What are all those
fuzzy-looking things out there?
Trees? Well, I'm tired
of them and rolled her head away.
~ William Carlos Williams ~
Some Reviews:
Australian Blues Anthology CD: Australian Contemporary Blues:
"Rating: 5 Stars" (out of 5) eMusic (USA)
"I would like to say that I am very impressed with the quality of the cd but most of all I am thrilled to be given the opportunity to present more music from the cream of Australian artists - especially ones I don't possess full albums : such as Joe Dolce..." Dave Barker, Star FM, St. Helens (TAS)
"Joe Dolce’s “Marchin with Martin Luther King Jr” - This legend of the Australian music scene does himself proud with this track." John Williams, Trad & Now
http://www.duckscrossing.org/tradshop/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=496
Jonathan Edwards album, Have A Good Time For Me:
" The album's true gem, though, is a Joe Dolce song called "My Home Ain't In The Hall Of Fame," which was a perfect statement of purpose for a guy whose debut album had put him in the Billboard chart's Top Five, but whose subsequent releases were about as anti-commerical as you could get... It went on to become an alt-country anthem, both through Edwards's excellent version, and a fine cover by bluegrasser J. D. Crowe... That song alone is worth the price of admission for this fine old hippie album. Recommended!" Joe Sixpack, Real Hicks Reviews
Canadian compilation CD, Protest Songs for a Better World:
".. a thirteen-track rally cry anthology of original protest songs from around our troubled globe. All the tracks are wake up calls, but my personal highlights include: Joe Dolce's Did You Get Stupid from Being Ugly (Or Ugly from Being Stupid?).." Mike Jurkovic, Folk & Acoustic Music Exchange
Listen to some excerpts via the link below:
Joe Dolce Electronic Press Kit
http://www.sonicbids.com/JoeDolce
THE FINAL HURRAH
The New Rifle
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
The black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have rough sex. '
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said,
'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
(thanks to Andrew Bicknell)
