JOE DOLCE NEWSLETTER
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Friday November 13th, 2009
Through the (Broken) Looking Glass
"Patience is also a form of action. "
Rodin
Hi folks,
Friday the 13th. Here we go again. Another walk under the ladder. Another broken mirror.
I had this week’s newsletter hose and homed and ready to send out when I received this extraordinary company website in the eleventh hour from Giri Mazzella:
HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam. Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands.
Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch, but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.
Don't click on any of the items in the picture, just wait and see what happens.
This company has a sense of humour and a great computer programmer.
http://producten.hema.nl/
FOR ITALIANS ONLY -
GEEK TO GUIDO
The Spagnuolo brothers reality series that transforms geek's into Italian Stallions.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBWgBc1Wpf8&feature=related
YOU GOT WACKED
From the creators of Geek to Guido comes a new hidden ‘mafia’ camera reality show, "YOU GOT WHACKED!" Created by Gary and Donnie Spagnuolo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=askNKUWmI8k
(thanks to "The Paisan from PSL”)
FAVOURITE LETTERS OF THE WEEK
Joe,
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into his machine, and got behind in his work.
Peter Scott
(Note: Mate, that took a lot of cheek.)
Joe,
RE: Frank Thring
I must say I have to agree with you about Frank Thring. I had the misfortune to work with him (in a strictly backstage sort of way) on a number of occasions. I found him a rude, repellent, self obsessed, no talent drunk capable of playing only one role - himself. I remember stage managing 'The Nuns' and one night he was so drunk he delivered the whole of the second act leaning on the proscenium arch to hold himself up. One of my 'duties' as stage manager was to insure there was always a pot glass of cheap Moselle and Brandy in each wing.. On my final encounter with him the venue I was working in at the time was hired to do a car ad and he was supposed to deliver one line. He was so far gone on alcohol that it took two days of shooting to get it out of him. He died not to soon after. Love your newsletter, it's one of the hilites of the week. Lux Invicta, Don
(Note: Thanks Don. Well, R.I.P. Frank. That old guard of actors, musicians and writers, from the 50s and 60s, all had role models who were drunks, smokers, rebels, chauvanists and and stoners. Probably why the Zen movement was so important to a lot of those blokes like Kerouac, Snyder and Ginsberg. I trust that the next wave of young creative artists will live their lives as LOVE and real POETRY, instead of just paying lip service to it.)
Joe,
RE: Toolangi CJ Dennis Bush Poetry Competition - ‘The Darking Bog’
Congratulations on your award and your poem, Joe. I thought it was amazing - reminded me of "Jabberwocky".
(Certainly plenty of unexplored turns of phrase...or should that be turns of phrase...or phrurns of tase?)
[I have posted] your excellent poem on the ABPA (Australian Bush Poets' Association) web-site.
Best wishes, Stephen Whiteside
Joe,
RE: ‘The Darking Bog’
Well, so Joe Dolce is a bona fide Celt - in the great tradition of Lewis Carroll - inventing words trippingly on the tongue - like "scroomed a roar" and "zoofed a horn" and "hunched the yarrit log".
I had no IDEA that our own Joe was fetched of the fey mind - was one of the fairy people. How wonderful! I'll bet Alicia [Bay Laurel] knew all the time, but I never knew. I'm so blind sometimes. Guess we all are sometimes - but God forgives us. Oh, this is brillig and Mimsey and defintely outgrabe! Joe, my beamish boy!
Lovely. Maybe everything is going to be alright after all. Love on the half shell. ~ Pam Hanna
(Note: Thanks Pam and Stephen. ‘The Darking Bog’ is kind of Lewis Carroll-Meets-Edgar Allen Poe – but they didn’t get along. And speaking of mimsy, if you haven’t seen the incredible kids sci-fi film, ‘The Last Mimzy,’ I recommend it for a great dvd afternoon with your grandkids. Suberb musical score as well.)
Hello Joe and Linā¤,
RE: OKINAWA AND TOKYO TOUR
You guys are so cute and I am really happy and excited meeting you guys.
Your musics are so kickbud!!!
Reiko, Tokyo, Japan
Joe,
I'm sure that you already know about this, but the new CD "Rollin' Along: Live In Holland" by Jonathan Edwards includes the songs "Rollin' Along" (your composition) and "Athens County", co-credited to Jonathan and yourself. For those interested, the CD is on the Strictly Country label, catalogue # SCR-68.
Regards, Arthur Elliott, Narangba Qld.
(Note: This is the third time a fellow artist has named their album after one of my songs. The other two were: JD Crowe and the New South: ‘My Home Ain’t in the Hall of Fame’ and Lou Monte: ‘Shaddap You Face.’ Here is a video of ‘My Home Ain’t in the Hall of Fame’ , sung by Jonathan Edwards, from his Netherlands tour:
http://www.vimeo.com/1614810)
Hey Joe
Hope all is well with you and yours. You may have seen this - hope so - but just watched an episode of 'Spicks and Specks' (love it) featuring Adam Hills dressed as Adam Ant and various others from the eighties asking eighties stuff. They showed a clip of Vienna followed by a special question - YES - and the answer was 'Shaddap...' They got it right and so did I. I won't insult anyone's intelligence by repeating the question...Lots of love, Robyn Jones (Kin Kin)
(Note: Thanks Robyn, hope all is well with you and mine as well. Sweet Margaret (the next letter) didn’t mind insulting anyone’s intelligence. This is, of course, assuming it takes intelligence to understand ‘Spicks and Specks.’)
Hi Joe,
I hope someone told you about the reference to Shaddup You Face on last Wednesday's Spics and Specs. (4 Nov). The question (if i remember correctly) was: Which Australian novelty song kept Ultravox's Vienna off the top of the charts? Apparently every time they now sing their song they interlace it with excerpts from Shaddup You Face. Nice! Ciao, Margaret
(Note: Margaret, god bless little Midge Ure. I ought to include Vienna in my performances of Shaddap except I don’t think it’s a very good lyric. I re-wrote it for him once and I hope one day to sing it to him in person:
Chewing on a cold crust,
Mouldy bread, on a pizza plate,
In broken English,
The man in a hat sings ‘shaddap you face’,
Won’t leave me alone
The voice of a ferret squished by a bus
It rots my brain until
My hearing is gone, ‘shaddap you face’,
This means nothing to me,
It means nothing to me,
Ah, Vagina.
Our single is faltering,
Number Two, a hell of a thing,
The Top of the Charts
Belongs to a Wog, as our song sinks
In cool toilet water,
The warmth of my hand on my cold grey Johnson,
‘Heys!’ in the distance,
My eyesight is going, ‘shaddap you face’
This means nothing to me,
It means nothing to me,
Ah, Vagina.
He means nothing to me,
It means nothing to me,
Ah, Vagina.
Midge Ure vs Shaddap You Face
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vd1xjPpMOY
What I’m Watching This Week
Sons of Anarchy
– starring Ron Perlman. Exciting American television drama series created by Kurt Sutter about the lives of a close-knit outlaw motorcycle club operating in Charming, a fictional town in Northern California. In your face, but often funny, like Deadwood, mythic family motorcycle gang drama loosely based on Shakespeare's Hamlet; indeed, star Ron Perlman has said, "I'm sure they’re going to stick to the structure of Hamlet all the way to the end" of the series. Clay is based on the role of King Claudius and Gemma as a Gertrude figure. Jax stands in for Prince Hamlet himself. Jax's reflective questioning of the SOA culture, brought on by the birth of his son, references Hamlet's melancholy over the death of the king. Additionally, Jax "communicates" with his dead father by way of his late father's unpublished journal/manuscript; Hamlet, of course, literally communicates with the ghost of his father. Another great production from HBO.
The Last Don – Part I and Part II. The first part of this mini-series is taken directly from the novel by Mario Puzo, who co-wrote the screenplay. The second part was written after his death but successfully continues the story. Very mythic, in the style of The Godfather, but without the production values of Coppola’s work. Still, I love this film to no end and have watched it several times. It gets better and better on repeat viewing. Highly recommended.
We Were Soldiers Once and Young – with Mel Gibson. Based on the book by Lieutenant General (Ret.) Hal Moore and reporter Joseph L. Galloway, both of whom were at the battle of Battle of Ia Drang in November 1965, the first major engagement of United States military forces in the Vietnam War. In its own way, a very powerful anti-war film. Shows the Vietnamese point-of-view with great intelligence.
GCSE Exam
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)!!!!!!!!
Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. [Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!]
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning?
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What is a turbine?
Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. …’
(thanks to Dai Woosnam, Grimsby, UK, daigress@hotmail.com)
SONGWRITING WORKSHOP 29
CREATING ONE OF THE WORLD’S SONGS
Only ignoramuses use the terms ‘Novelty Song’ and ‘One-Hit Wonder’ to try and explain music.
But let’s have a look at how these terms came about, and why they are so problematic and inaccurate.
The Novelty Song
The term originally arose in Tin Pan Alley to describe one of the major divisions of popular music. (The other two divisions were ballads and dance music.) Novelty songs achieved great popularity during the 1920s and 30s.
But away from the music industry, in the real world, there really was never such thing as a novelty song.
Take these well-known songs for instance, all considered novelty songs by the wikipedia brain trust:
"The Battle of New Orleans” by Johnny Horton
"Dang Me" by Roger Miller
"Don't Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin
"I Am the Walrus” by The Beatles
"Short People" by Randy Newman
"Tiptoe Through the Tulips” by Tiny Tim
"The Twist" by Chubby Checker
"Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon
"Yakety Yak" by The Coasters
‘Dang Me’ and ‘I Am the Fucking Walrus’? Wankerpedia, more like.
And ‘The Twist?’ The Twist was the first dance I could do and was a bleeding phenomenon in the 60s! It even transcended the category of mere song.
All those titles I mentioned are just simply good songs. All of them were outside of the main market fodder of their time. Good on them that they don’t fit into some cookie-cutter slot.
To me – that is the whole POINT of writing. To create something original. Something out-of-the-box.
Narrow minded music industry folk who use these terms to describe really unique musical ideas remind me of those monkeys jumping around that big black obelisk in the movie 2001.
Hoo hoo hoo. What dat? Poke poke. That ain’t no banana. Hoo hoo hoo.
It is always a matter of context as to whether a song is perceived by the industry as novelty or not.
Just about everything little kids are entertained by in their world would be classified as novelty in the adult world’s context.
The Purple People Eater
Yellow Submarine
If you asked small children to check off which of the above was a novelty song - they wouldn’t know what you were talking about.
Kids either like, and understand, something- or they don’t. They don’t pigeonhole what inspires them.
Actually, truth be told, most adults are like that, too. I personally never referred to any of the great songs I grew up listening to as novelty songs. I didn’t even know what that term meant. The Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, Alley Oop, The Monster Mash, Little Red Riding Hood, Wooly Bully.
To me they were just songs. And I still remember their titles to this day. And most of their tunes.
Which is more than I can say about most of the so-called serious pop music that was on the radio at the time.
We actually need more songs that are out-of-the-box today. Something worth remembering.
If the Beatles had only released the fabulous Yellow Submarine and nothing else, it would be classified as a novelty song.
On the other hand, Shaddap You Face, which was also recorded by US black hip hop legend, KRS-ONE, goes into the hip-hop category in radio programmingland – NOT the novelty song slot.
This is what I mean by context.
Yellow Submarine, in context of the Beatles catalogue, is just another song.
Shaddap You Face, in the context of KRS-ONE’s style, is just another hip-hop song.
The context determines the category.
Not the song.
Remember, the term novelty record, as a category, was invented by radio station disc jockeys and programmers, not real human beings. Radio stations have to separate their markets into demographics: Easy Listening, Christian, Country, Classical, Roots, Rock, Gospel, the list is endless with an infinite number of sub-categories. Country Rock, Christian Rock, Rockabilly, Trance, Trance Christian, Rockabilly Christian Trance, etc.
A song that comes along and does not easily fit into one of these well-worn mail slots, goes into the novelty pigeonhole.
Ergo, a novelty song is really a just a kind of oversized pigeon. Or a duck. An Ugly Ducking. A swan amongst ducklings. A misunderstanding.
The One-Hit Wonder
Now the one-hit wonder is another fiddle of cash altogether.
Where the novelty song is a music industry radio programming classification, a one-hit wonder is a music industry term having specifically to do with the Top Forty or Billboard 100 charts.
What percentage do you think of these pop charts actually make up of all the music in the world? Exactly .000000567 per cent.
(Also keep in mind that 94% of statistics are made up on the spot.)
This term one-hit wonder - also does not exist in the real world, outside of the music industry.
Ask your five-year old what one is. Ask your ten-year old. The correct answer is: eh duh!
In music industry terms, a one-hit wonder is a person or act known mainly for only a single success on the popular charts. (Ah! - that’s those .000000567 per-cent-of-all-the-music-in-the-world charts.)
Also, and logically then, a singer or songwriter, no matter how brilliant, who has never had a popular chart success could reasonably be referred to as a No-Hit Wonder.
Can you name a couple artists that you like who have never had a Top Forty Hit?
Those people are No Hit Wonders. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Does that sort of give you an idea of how idiotic this kind of measuring tool is?
Wikipedia also tries to make a feeble distinction between a one-hit wonder and a signature song:
‘A signature song is the one song (or, in some cases, one of a few songs) that a popular and well-established singer or band is most closely identified with, even if they have had success with a variety of songs. Signature songs can be the result of spontaneous public identification and/or a marketing tool developed by the music industry to promote artists, sell their recordings, and develop a fan base. The term signature song is generally not applied to the successful song of a so-called "one-hit wonder” — an artist who is closely identified with one song because they have had no other successful songs.’
But that last sentence is incorrect.
From my own experience, a signature song is a signature song. Period.
I recently did a National Australian Countdown Tour with 50 musical acts who had huge hits in the 80s. Some of them had quite a few number ones and several big-selling albums.
But do you know what? After 25 years, they all were lucky to have ONE song that anyone in the audience could even remember. Everyone on the bill, including me, performed their one main identifiable signature song. There was absolutely no differentiation between one-hit wonder and signature song.
Time is the great equalizer in these matters.
Merv Griffith, the US television host, once had me on his show and remarked: “Tony Bennett is going through life with ‘I Left My Heart in San Francisco.’ Frank Sinatra is going through life with ‘My Way,’ - and you are going through life with ‘Shaddap You Face.’” I thought it was funny - but also a compliment.
An international signature song is no mean feat to achieve for a songwriter. And though it will never represent who you really are or your entire catalogue of creative work, it still is quite a rare and special thing and something worth celebrating.
Percy Grainger, one of Australia’s most gifted composers, once wrote: ‘Anyone can compose an oratorio. I want to write one of the world’s songs.’
And he did too. A Country Gardens. Many of the musical intelligentsia of his time pigeonholed him as a popular sell-out after that. Not a serious composer.
But who remembers these critics names? Their works? Grainger was dead serious. Percy Grainger created one of the world’s songs.
Note: For more on Writing in Context, see Workshop Number 7:
http://members.iinet.net.au/~dwomen/files/nlOct1907.html#anchor1188997
EMF
UK pop group, EMF, did a noisy, but very entertaining variation of ‘Shaddap You Face’ a few years back.
Here is a link to it and also a few other things I liked from the boys.
Shaddap You Face
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTNJP8BNlm8
EMF with TOM JONES
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ioT2WUbf_g
I’m A Believer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJs9M9eaqIk
Search and Destroy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIGUyF2SwI8
Never Know – live at the Reading Festival
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4tH8MXF7tQ
~ FAMOUS DOLCES OF THE WORLD ~
WILLAM DOLCE
Poker Player
William Dolce is a live poker tournament event player and has played poker since 2007.
Dolce's poker tournament results and statistics include 1 final table appearance,
and 1 in-the-money finish for $3,375 in total poker tournament event earnings over the years.
(Note: Don't give up your day job, brother Bill.)
RECIPE
This is a killer tart for chocolate lovers, by Jamie Oliver, from his new American cookbook that I got for my birthday. I made it last week.
Chocolate Mole Tart
1 sweet pastry bottom crust (pasta frollo)
* http://members.iinet.net.au/~dwomen/files/nlAug307.html#anchor384941
1 blood orange (optional)
filling:
100g hazelnuts
200g good quality dark chocolate (70% cocoa solids, bashed up)
sea salt
15-g unsalted butter, chopped into cubes
200g caster sugar
3 large eggs
4-5 tables dulce de leche * (heat small can of evaporated milk in boiling water for 2 hours. Make 2 small perforation in top of can and keep water only half up the side.)
Spicy dusting:
1 level teas ground cinammon
2 cloves
1 level teas coriander seeds
1 dried red chili
zest of half orange
4 heaped teas cocoa powder
2 heaped teas icing sugar
few pinches sea salt
Method:
Blind-bake pastry case in either pie pan, or tart pan with removable bottom.
Roast hazelnuts in hot oven and spread out on tray to cool.
Heat 2.5 cm water in a pan over low heat and put a large heatproof glass bowl over the top of it, making sure the bottom of the bowl doesn’t touch the water. Put in bashed up chocolate and a pinch of salt. When it starts to melt, add butter and gently stir. Keep heat low or chocolate will split. Turn off heat once everything is smooth and melted.
Pour 75ml cold water into a clean pan on low heat with 150g sugar and whisk gently. When the sugar has dissolved and you have a smooth syrup, set aside.
Put eggs into bowl and mix with mixer until fluffy. Add remaining sugar. Mix for four minutes until pale and frothy. Slowly pour in the sugar syrup, mixing as you go. Turn mixer off. Pour in melted chocolate. Mix again for 10 seconds, no longer.
Use the back of a spoon to spread dulce de leche around the entire base of cooled pastry case. Bash up roasted hazelnuts and sprinkle over dulce de leche. Pour over chocolate filling mixture. Place on baking tray and bake in hot over for 17 minutes, until the chocolate has set around the edges but is still quite wobbly in the middle (have faith). Let cool for a couple of hours. The filling will set a little as it cools.
Use mortar and pestle to bash all spicy dusting ingredients together until fine. Sieve this over the tart for the finishing touch. Serve with crème fraiche, cream or ice cream. Add a slice or wedge of blood orange on the side.
(from Jamie Oliver – Jamie’s America)
Video: Jamie BBQs a lamb with the help of a Navajo Native American:
http://www.jamieoliver.com/about/jamie-oliver-videos/bbq-in-arizona
BRAZIL NUTS
My grandma used to call Brazil Nuts,
In those brown shells, Nigger Toes.
I think I was fifteen before I found out
They weren't even called those.
I used to tease Maxine in kindergarten,
A little coloured girl I tried to kiss,
'Till one day, she grabbed my arms
and sunk her fingernails into both of my wrists.
Little Maxine drew blood that day
And marked up my little arms.
Everytime I see a Brazil Nut, now,
I think about those scars.
I had a mixed race schoolin',
White and coloured learned as one,
You got your mean racists,
And then you got your plain ignorant ones.
My grandma used to call Brazil Nuts,
In those brown shells, Nigger Toes.
I think I was fifteen before I found out
They weren't even called those.
~ Joe Dolce ~
The Leadbelly Ballad Novel
THE FINAL HURRAH
More Chickens Crossing the Roads
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let’s not talk about that, let’s talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
