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Friday October 3rd, 2008

Both Sides of the Mississippi

"Great spirits have always encountered
violent opposition from mediocre minds."
Albert Einstein

Hi folks,

I watched the first debate between Obama and McCain. Kind of like watching paint peel. What going on with Obama’s  Mr Nice Guy House-Negro debating style?
I’m voting for this guy, in part, for his razor-sharp ORATION skills, but none of that was present in this debate. Instead, he peppered his answers with ‘Senator McCain and I agree on that point . . . ‘ and ‘John and I see eye-to eye on this point . . .’.   But McCain did not once say, ‘ Senator Obama and I agree on this . . .’ or ‘Barrack and I agree on that . .’  McCain didn’t call Obama by his first name once. I don’t want to see all this faux buddy-buddy bullshit. I want to see Obama HAMMER McCain and all those lying cheating warmongering money-grabbing Republican bastards once and for all. Lock them up and melt the key.  Not: have a BEER with them in the Lawyer’s Room after the trial is over!  Jesus Crispy!

I’ve given a link to the transcript of the debate below. A good thing to read if you’re having a hard time sleeping. It’ll send you right off.


On the other hand, if you want to see who should have been President. Some non-befuddled thinking. Fearless and visionary. Look at the Dennis Kucinich links down below. Listen to what Kucinich says about the current financial meltdown. This is the kind of leadership I am really looking for. Give me a man who is not afraid to admit he eats tofu. Give me a President who takes his shoes off before he goes in the White House. (Give me his six-foot redheaded, tongue-studded Amazonian wife, Elizabeth, for the First Lady!) Instead of this friggin’ gurning competition between McCain and Obama. One can only hope Obama comes out of his corner fighting next round, like Ali:

Last night I had a dream, When I got to Africa,
I had one hell of a rumble.
I had to beat Tarzan’s behind first,
For claiming to be King of the Jungle.
For this fight, I’ve wrestled with alligators,
I’ve tustled with a whale.
I done handcuffed lightning
And put thunder in jail.
You know I’m bad.
I have murdered a rock,
I’ve injured a stone, and hospitalized a brick.
I’m so bad, I make medicine sick.
I’m so fast, man,
I can run through a hurricane and don't get wet.
When George Foreman meets me,
He’ll pay his debt.
I can drown a drink of water, and kill a dead tree.
Wait till you see Muhammad Ali.



The Gurn is a distorted facial expression, and a verb to describe the action. A typical gurn might involve projecting the lower jaw as far forward and up as possible, and covering the upper lip with the lower lip. The English Dialect Dictionary, compiled by Joseph Wright, defines the word gurn as 'to snarl as a dog; to look savage; to distort the countenance', while the Oxford English Dictionary suggests the derivation may originally be Scottish, related to 'grin'. In Northern Ireland the verb 'gurn' means, 'to cry', hence crying in Northern Ireland is often called gurnin. The term is also used to describe the facial expressions of people under the influence of the drug ecstasy and other stimulants. Sufferers often complain of 'hamster cheeks' and 'Forsyth chin'. The following day is especially uncomfortable - chewing becomes difficult and even speaking is a chore.
     Gurning contests are a rural English tradition and were once common at travelling sideshows, fairs and freak shows. They are still held regularly in some villages , and the contestants traditionally frame their faces through a horse collar - known as 'gurnin' through a braffin'. The World Gurning Championship is held annually in Egremont, Cumbria as one part of the Egremont Crab Fair. Those with the greatest gurn capabilities are often those with no teeth, as this provides greater room to move the jaw further up. In some cases the elderly or otherwise toothless can be capable of spectacular gurns covering the entire nose.
     In Australia the most common form of gurning is the "duck face", with many areas holding local annual competitions for this form of facial expression. The "duck face" has been brought into mainstream culture by such people as TV's Kath and Kim, and is characterised by pursed lips and raised eyebrows. (taken from Wikipedia)

My partner, Lin Van Hek, got this email out of the blue yesterday:

Hey Lin,
I am a huge fan of the film The Terminator and your song 'Intimacy' from the soundtrack album is one of my favorite songs ever. I've spent a lot of time trying to find more music from you and couldn't until I learned that you spell your name with one 'n' instead of two
(Linn, as it is spelled on the Terminator soundtrack credits, lol). Anyway, I was delighted to find that you have a career as a writer and a performance artist, and I just wanted to let you know from one artist to another that you are appreciated!  Take care and I'd love to hear from you! KM

(Note: Lin and I co-wrote ‘Intimacy’ for the first Terminator film back in 1984. At that time, Arnold Schwartzenegger hadn’t broken through yet and was only know for a few b-grade movies. We were all mightily shocked when the movie went through the roof! Great sci-fi film, too! It also made director, James Cameron’s career. ‘Intimacy’ appears in the film in the scene when The Terminator is going after the first Sarah Connors (the wrong one) that he found in the phone book. She’s bopping to the track, wearing headphones, in her underwear, in the kitchen. The song is still playing when Big Arnie scrunches her headphones with his boot! (Better than a fade out!)  I have a videotape clip lying around our archives with Lin singing and dancing, an all-boy back up band, and inter-cuts with Arnie and some footage from the film which was used for promotion. One day I will convert it to digital and put it up on youTube.  Here is my favourite review for the track:

‘ An awesome aggressive score and some 80’s pop tunes that will make you jism your pants.
My fav was "Intimacy" by Linn Van Hek". . .’
Arrow in the Head Movie Reviews

Strangely, though the above fan letter has come 24 years after the film was released and the initials of the writer, KM,  are the same as Lin’s favourite writer, Katherine Mansfield. Whoooooooo . . . . . . . .  Ah’ll be bahhhhhk. . . .

By the way,  it’s Lin’s birthday on Saturday so anyone who knows her and wants to help wish her a special Happy Doo-Dah Day can send her a greeting at this address:
   The literal meaning of Lin in Chinese is ‘forest’ but is a name of many origins. In Greek, Latin, and Italian, it means light. When added to the end of a name in Italian, it means a "beautiful one who is full of light." In Arabic it means "delicate" or "tender".  In Dutch, "pure". It also means "the powerful one" in Swedish. In Pig Latin, it’s pronounced ‘inLay’. Yeah baby!)


Hope that 50% 0f Americans are right. I want a Guardian Angel!!! annie fiume

Dear Joe Dolce,
Dylan was a geneous,  dirtxsanchez

(Note:  Somebody shoot me.)

Bicarb is excellent for heartburn however if you have to use it more than a few times a week my doctor warns against it as it brings with it a risk of kidney stones. fyi.
Tell Ohio I said hello.  I come from Norwalk which is near Sandusky. Casey Rice

(Note: Thanks Casey for the tune up. Sodium bicarbonate can make the urine less acidic, which makes uric acid kidney stone formation less likely. It can also possibly prevent the formation of uric acid kidney stones and can help dissolve existing uric acid stones. The side effects of sodium bicarbonate include:
A possible increase in the risk of forming calcium kidney stones, if it has sugar added to it.  (ie don’t add sugar to it. Duh.)
An increase in the amount of sodium in the blood. (Not necessarily a bad thing as sodium is one of the blood’s buffers.)
Other things: Fluid retention (edema), especially in people with high blood pressure, heart failure, or liver disease (cirrhosis) or in older adults (there’s too many old people anyway.)
You will have to check the acid level of your urine (pH) to keep the pH between 6.0 and 7.0.
Kidney stones are more likely to form if the urine has a pH much lower than 6.0 or higher than 7.0.
Once again, the suggested rule is moderation – use it as an occasional supplement, not a regular supplement.
Since last week’s newsletter, I have stopped taking it daily, and now just once or twice a week. No sense going crazy here. The effects of simply a half teas in water and some lemon juice can be seen and felt for three days.

The Nutritional Microscopist that I go to, and recommend, replies this way:

“Hi Joe,
The municipal authorities endeavour to keep tap water at neutral or slightly alkaline to avoid corrosion of water pipes. They do this by adding chemicals and lime. If you filter the water it normally comes out acidic as this is the real pH without additives. When I have tested Melbourne water it’s been a pH of 6 (10 times more acid than neutral) so they haven’t been doing a good job of keeping it neutral or slightly alkaline; but this may vary from time to time. Distilled and reverse osmosis water should be neutral as everything including minerals has been removed however if exposed to air these waters can soak up carbon dioxide and become acidic.
    Kidney stones are the result of an acidic diet and lifestyle. Acids have been bound up by alkaline minerals to protect the body from corrosion. Anything that alkalises the body helps neutralise acids therefore helps protect from the side effects of an acidic diet and lifestyle. Sodium bicarbonate is the main alkaline buffer of the blood and is produced by the body. Supplementing with sodium bicarbonate saves the body work in producing it but it’s no good binding up acids if you are not flushing them out with alkaline water. Fluid retention is a result of detoxing and acids been released but adequate water consumption is necessary. The blood cells are bathed in a salty fluid this is why the blood is alkaline. I don’t believe any of the other symptoms mentioned are related to sodium bicarbonate.
Phil Burton
ph-0438 879 852

Disclaimer: This information is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor.
Disclaimer of the Disclaimer: Of course,  many doctors are blinkin’ idiots that should have their medical licenses revoked, rather than follow their advice - BUT they have the Law on their side so good luck with your experiments and if you run afoul, you can always sing: ‘I fought the law and the law won.’)

Hey joe (that has a nice ring to it),
I'm looking to pass the link for the newsletter to a website I frequent. Can you give me a direct link to the newsletter please?
Thanks. Oh enjoy your trip to the States. Love Ya! All the best from Ireland, Anna

(Note:  Anna, the website link changes every week but the best way to access the newsletter, other than getting it by email, is to:
1. Go to
2. Click on Weekly Newsletter link.)

Hi Mr Dolce,
 We did meet at my son (Peter's) party - the do of the year, indeed, any year. Pierre, as he is known on the boulevards, sends me your newsletter.
 Interesting reading.
 Do you know about the 11th Commandment, Moses omitted, in the rush, from those tablets?
 I have written, and given talks, about it, including an ABC Ockham's Razor.
Thou shalt laugh, especially at thyself.   
Moses returned when God, she, called out he had missed it.  It is on a separate tablet. If you keep it secret, I can tell you where it is- it is priceless.   Being priceless, that's what I offer for it.
 Above all, Mr D., enjoy life, except for the self-styled immortals among us, none of us will get out of it alive, anyhow. On the other hand.......
 Was the world made round so laughter ( and hugs) could encircle it?
Shalom, in the true meaning of the word, Stan Marks

(Note: Stan, thanks for the missing Commandment.
I wonder what Occam (aka Ockham) would have looked like with a beard? Boom boom!
Pluralitis non est ponenda sine necessitate (or) entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem (or) Numquam ponenda est pluralitas sine necessitate
(Assumptions introduced to explain a phenomenon should not be multiplied beyond necessity. Informally: the least complicated explanation is probably the right one.) William of Occam (1280-1349.)
Stan, here’s a little Shalomi for you:


The Great Schlep aims to have Jewish grandchildren visit their grandparents in Florida, educate them about Obama, and therefore swing the crucial Florida vote in his favor. Don’t have grandparents in Florida? Not Jewish? No problem! You can still become a schlepper and make change happen in 2008, simply by talking to your relatives about Obama.
(thanks to Alicia Bay Laurel)

What I’m Reading This Week
Katherine Mansfield’s Short Stories –
This is Lin’s favourite writer and it has taken me almost three decades to finally get it!

What I’m Watching This Week
The Lost City,
directed by Andy Garcia. Labour of love, 16 years from script to final film, about Garcia’s home country Cuba, before and during the Revolution. Most of the cast and crew had family who were either exiled or killed during the overthrow of Battista by Castro. A veritable showcase of brilliant Cuban cabaret musicians and dancers. The clothes and cars!! Wow!

What I’m Listening to This Week
Plaisir d’Amour  -  
This old song was sung to me, in French, when I was 16 years old, by my high school prom date, Carol Dunlop, who was three years older than me and a Sophomore, on a creative writing scholarship,  at Lake Erie College for Girls, in Painesville. I never forgot the song, or Carol, and this was probably the single most influential piece of music that set me on the road to my musical destiny. Either that, or it was ‘That’s Amore,’ which was my mother’s favourite.  Paradoxically, they have much in common:

Plaisir d'amour ne dure qu'un moment,
chagrin d'amour dure toute la vie.
(translation: The joys of love are but a moment long
The pain of love endures the whole life long.)

When-a the moon-a hits-a you eye,
Like-a big-a pizza pie,
That’s Amore!
(translation:  When light enters the refractive cornea,
From Earth’s closest celestial body -
a body which in many ways resembles the traditional Italian
  oven-baked, flat, and generally round bread disc -
the light can evoke in certain individuals the same kind of emotions
 and experiences related to a sense of strong affection,
 ranging from generic pleasure ("I loved that meal")
 to intense interpersonal attraction ("I love my girlfriend").
This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved,
however, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define,
even compared to other emotional states.
Especially if the pizza is undercooked. Hey! Whatsa matta for you?)


Dear Joe Dolce,

I need to ask you to support an  urgent secret business relationship with a
transfer of funds of great  magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My  country has
had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds  of 800
billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it  would be
most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gramm,  lobbyist for UBS, who will be my
replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in  January. As a Senator, you may
know him as the leader of the American  banking deregulation movement in
the 1990s. This transaction is 100%  safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need  the
funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds  in
the names of our close friends because we are constantly  under
surveillance.  My family lawyer advised me that I should look  for a
reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the  funds
can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank  account, IRA and college fund account
numbers and those of your children  and grandchildren  to
So that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I  receive
that information, I will respond with detailed information  about
safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours  Faithfully,
 Minister of Treasury Paulson
(thanks to Ramon Sender)

Interview with Senator Dennis Kucinich

“Is this the United States Congress or the Board of Directors of Goldman Sachs?”
Dennis Kucinich Rejects $700 Billion Bailout

(Note: I would listen to Kucinich’s arguments carefully. He has uncanny financial insights and has already demonstrated in the past, as Mayor of Cleveland, that he was willing to walk the unpopular, but, in the long run, financially healthier, pathway.)

DENNIS KUCINICH: “Well, you know . . .  I reject the underlying premise that we needed this bill. And as a matter of fact, that we’re putting this up before an adjournment in an election season shows that Congress is being put under extraordinary pressure to bail out Wall Street. We haven’t looked at any alternatives. . . This is—you know, it isn’t as though, if you had a liquidity crisis, that—you know, a real one—that you’d start to look at all the alternatives. We haven’t done that. We have a bill here, a bill of more than a hundred pages, that we haven’t had a single hearing on the bill, you know—on the concept, yes, on what Paulson and Bernanke asked for initially. But, you know, we need to have hearings on this. There are 400 economists and three Nobel Prize-winning economists who have said, “Whoa, wait a minute! What are you doing? Why are you rushing this?” You know, this thing doesn’t smell right, frankly.”

Kucinich Transcript:
Kucinich Video Feed
 (watch for awhile and the interview begins about ten minutes into the show.)
Roosevelt Transcript & Video Feed:
Archival footage of President FD Roosevelt, from the 1930s, speaking about a similar crisis during the Great Depression: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”)
(thanks to Bill Lempke)

Of course, Australian Prime Minister Rudd jumps on the other bandwagon:

US bailout failure is bad news - Rudd

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has urged the United States Congress to pass the $US700 billion ($A845.67 billion) Wall Street bailout package in a second attempt.
Mr Rudd said it was disappointing the US House of Representatives had rejected the rescue package.
"This is a bad development," he told reporters in Canberra.
Mr Rudd spoke with Australia's ambassador to the United States Tuesday.
"Our understanding is this measure or a similar measure will be re-presented to the United States Congress later this week," Mr Rudd said.
He said he had also spoken with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown Tuesday.
"The attitude that we will adopt, and I believe other friends and allies of the United States will adopt, is to urge the United States Congress to pass this or a similar measure when it is re-presented to the Congress later this week."

SHISHA – 2007 European Dancehall Queen

One of the most incredible party dancers you will ever see. Money back.

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness . . .
. . . .  someone like the teacher at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwards the a letter like this.   The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.  An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and wrote to say thank you.

Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home. All of my family has passed away.  I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into lots of pieces.  She was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

I will always be grateful to you for that opportunity.

(thanks to Bill Lempke)

Wasilla Watch: Sarah Palin and the Rape Kits

September 25, 2008

Even in tough budget times, there are lines that cannot be crossed. So I was startled by this tidbit reported recently by The Associated Press: When Sarah Palin was mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, the small town began billing sexual-assault victims for the cost of rape kits and forensic exams.

Ms. Palin owes voters an explanation. What was the thinking behind cutting the measly few thousand dollars needed to cover the yearly cost of swabs, specimen containers and medical tests? Whose dumb idea was it to make assault victims and their insurance companies pay instead? Unfortunately, her campaign is shielding the candidate from the press, so Americans may still be waiting for answers on Election Day.

The rape-kit controversy is a troubling matter. The insult to rape victims is obvious. So is the sexism inherent in singling them out to foot the bill for investigating their own case. And the main result of billing rape victims is to protect their attackers by discouraging women from reporting sexual assaults.

That’s why when Senator Joseph Biden, the Democratic vice-presidential nominee, drafted the 1994 Violence Against Women Act, he included provisions to make states ineligible for federal grant money if they charged rape victims for exams and the kits containing the medical supplies needed to conduct them. (Senator John McCain, Ms. Palin’s running mate, voted against Mr. Biden’s initiative, and his name has not been among the long list of co-sponsors each time the act has been renewed.)
(thanks to tk)

(Note: I can’t wait for the Vice Presidential debate which is coming very soon!)

Mobile phones cause cancer: scientist
Scientists have warned US legislators of the risks of brain cancer from mobile phone use, highlighting the potential risk for children who use mobile phones.
"We urgently need more research," said David Carpenter, director of the Institute of Health and Environment at the University of Albany, in testimony before the House Subcommittee on Domestic Policy.
"We must not repeat the situation we had with the relationship between smoking and lung cancer," Carpenter said.
Ronald Herberman, director of the University of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute, said that most studies "claiming that there is no link between cell phones and brain tumours are outdated, had methodological concerns and did not include sufficient numbers of long-term cell phone users."
Many studies denying a link "defined regular cell phones as 'once a week,'" added Herberman.
"I cannot tell this committee that cell phones are definitely dangerous. But, I certainly cannot tell you that they are safe," he said.
Carpenter and Herberman both told the committee the brain cancer risk from mobile phone use is far greater for children than for adults.
Herberman held up a model for lawmakers showing how radiation from a mobile phone penetrates far deeper into the brain of a 5-year-old than that of an adult.
"Every child is using cell phones all of the time, and there are three billion cell phone users in the world," said Herberman.
He added that, like the messages that warn of health risks on cigarette packs, mobile phones "need a precautionary message."
Noting that numerous US studies have not found a definitive cancer-phone link, Carpenter asked: "Are we at the same place we were with smoking and lung cancer 30 years ago?"
The committee were shown several European studies, particularly surveys from Scandinavia - where the mobile phone was first developed - which show that the radiation emitted by mobile phones have definite biological consequences.
For example, a 2008 study by Swedish cancer specialist Lennart Hardell found that frequent mobile phone users are twice as likely to develop a benign tumour on the auditory nerves of the ear most used with the handset, compared to the other ear.
In addition, a paper published this month by the Royal Society in London found that adolescents who start using mobile phones before the age of 20 were five times more likely to develop brain cancer at the age of 29 than those who didn't use a mobile phone.

“ . . . But the loudest cheer came when he was quizzed about how as a student he'd sided in the great debate over who was best: the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. Blair looked flummoxed. "I always used to say the Rolling Stones," he answered finally, "because if you didn't say the Stones, the girlfriends just..." - and Blair waved his hands to indicate them disappearing.
"The truth is," he continued to a roar of approval, "that it really is the Beatles."

US man convicted of piggy bank robbery
A man convicted of stealing $US20 ($A24.8) from a toddler's piggy bank has been sentenced to six years in prison.
Four-time convicted burglar Ryan Mueller was convicted on Thursday of felony burglary as a repeat offender in a Sheboygan, Wisconsin court.
Prosecutors say the 31-year-old Mueller broke into a home in August 2007 and stole money from a two-year-old girl's piggy bank while she slept, the Sheboygan Press reported. They say the girl's mother walked into the room and caught Mueller in the act.
Mueller also was sentenced to five years' probation. He is to serve his sentence consecutively to a six-year prison sentence he was handed in June for a separate burglary conviction.


Short Treatise on The Contemporary Sinker-Slagwanker

'Some people call them singer-songwriters . . .uhn huh . . .
I call them sinker-slagwankers . . uhn . . . . .
 i love ya, boy . . .'
Karl Childers, PhD Slingbladeology

Once upon a time, the Mucus Industry was divided into Professional Sinkers and Professional Slagwankers. Everyone was proud of their compartmentalized area and no one aspired much to learn the other persons’ trade.
    But today, we have a proliferation of Mucusicians who can both Sink and Wank a Slag.
    Now just about everyone who plays the Clitor or Penisola, and can Sink a little, Wanks out a Slag or two and considers themselves a qualified Sinker-Slagwankers.  Their friends tell them they are hot. They record an album-a-month on their computer. They may even earn a good living and win Mucus Awards.  But whenever someone tells me that they are a Sinker-Slagwanker, I immediately think of taxi drivers. I'm always tempted to say, 'Take me to the airport.'
    To me, a Sinker-Slagwanker is just a temporary stopping place - a Tadpole, if you will - on the way to the Grand Maestro Frog of a Serious Composter, in the manner of JS Blah or Mozfart.  
    Wanking out a Serious Leeric and setting it in some Serious Mucus is a high and noble goal, not to be taken lightly.  
    Richard Wanger was the first major Composter to attempt to do both - and he failed . . . but gloriously.  Wanger, in his most celebrated work, The Ringworm Cycle Yada Yada, has been applauded by many Mucus Critics, of course, but to me this is a flawed piece of extended Leerical Wanking. Wanger's Mucus itself is profoundus, but he did not cut it as a Leericist. Ever try to read one of his librettos without the Mucus?  Endless WAFFLE! Goethe, he is not. Less is more, Rick. He should have been locked in a kibbutz with a only his ukulele and a pencil and forced to write haiku for five years. (Wanger's wife, Colostima, was a much better Wanker - just read The Diarraheras of Colostima Wanger.)
   But Wanger threw down a gauntlet: The Composter of the Future Shall be BOTH a Leeric Wanker AND a Serious Wanker of Mucus. No more instrumentals.

    So here we are today in a world of everyperson Sinker-Slagwankers and Grant-fed, but practically illiterate language-wise, Classical Composters,  - yet NO ONE is carrying on Wanger's unique vision of the Total Composter. No Maestro Frogs -  but a pond full of Tadpole Sinker-Slagwankers whistling endless bubbles.

And WHY is this?

Two suggestions: Poor self-image (Tadpoles who cannot imagine themselves as Large Croaking Buddhas)  - and the Craving for Slobbering & Drooling Accolades by one’s Mucusical Peers which stop them short of reaching their true and Real Potential . . . of Lonely, Isolated and Unpopular Genius.  (I’ve often mused that if George F. Handlebars could be alive today and go back in time and choose to be himself  -with all the glory and perks of the Court - or be the awesome muscual genius that was JS Blah - he would still have chosen to be himself, rather than sacrifice the advantages and wealth he had from the Court. We have pretty much the same choices today.)
    Students of Serious Mucus,  well-trained at Mucusal Monoversities, are so whipped by the Elitist Mucusal Educational System,  they are afraid to even sneeze in a Fixed Key, much less write a simple singable Slag, for fear of being frowned upon by the Tonalitydeaf Professors and Sloppers of Grant Troughs. A Pathological Fear of Triads keeps them indoors endlessly polishing their  12 Tone Tin Ears. These so-called Composters shouldn't be Wanking Mucus at all, but instead, should be creating Sound Effects for Documentaries about Penguins on Rapidly Shrinking Ice Floes.

The study of Poohetry and Leeric Writing, as a complete artform, just isn't encouraged. ie. Mucus is Mucus. Leerics is Leerics. Call it Specialization. Like in medicine. You got your specialists in eye and ear, etc.

But harken hither, O students of Slagwanking and Mucus,  YOU CAN DO BOTH!  A more worthy ambition for the Freerange Mucusician of Today would be to become a Frog Maestro Double PhD Wunderkind, in both Mucus  - AND Creative Poohetry.  What Richard Wanger took a running leap at, but sadly tripped up over a Dangling Participle and Lack of Real Wanking skills.

The Composter who does not also strive to become a Maestro of Language is the true Dead End in Mucus - not the unwillingness to give up Tonality.

   (Don’t get me wrong. I have learned a lot from Armhold Iceberg, serial composition and the whole non-tonal cul-de-sac. I just think Iceberg and his lemmings gave up way too soon. I would have liked to see them apply their same 12-tone theories to the alphabet, language, libretto writing - and even cooking. See how much sense that would make . . .  and what kind of people would come over for dinner.)

    Amongst my own fellow self-taught everyperson Sinker-Slagwankers -  those who have come up through the Fluke Mucus tradition, and learned from the great Fluke Mucusicians like Woody Gumtree, and such, - we have a slightly different dilemma. We need to diligently self-apprentice ourselves to the brilliant classical Mucus Composters of the past five hundred years - and to READ and absorb with passion the great Poohetry all around us - so as not to be continually re-inventing the Little Spinning Mouse Wheel of Mucus, and churning out endless Slags of navalgrazing, ‘I love you – no, make that: I love ME!’ leerics,  ad infinitallthumbs.

The Composter of the Future will not be content to merely a Sink a Slag Wank but will strive to become a profound and complete Mucusician, composting Mucus as rich as JS Blah or Bleathoofen, and way beyond, but ALSO Wanking out Leeric Profoundus as elegant and memorable as the great poohets such as Dylard Thumbass and William Butler’s Yeast. Remeber the words of Jesus Crispy:  "Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do.”  John 14:12


If Music Be the Feud of Love . . . . .

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler ?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How do lute players spend their time?
A: They spend 80% of their time tuning and 20% if their time playing out
of tune.

Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: How are a bagpipe player and blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Neither has to be very good to get everybody's attention.

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.

Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.

Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to
tune at the same time.

Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: How do you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they suck.

Q: What does it mean when the guitar player is drooling out of both
sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to read a page of sheet music?
A: When you find one who can, ask.

Q: What do you do when a guitar player comes to your door?
A: Pay him for the pizza and shut the door quickly

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you think?

Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: What's the difference between a frog driving down the road in a car
and a trombone player driving down the road in a car?
A: The frog might be driving to a gig.
(thanks to Jim Testa)



Hello, my name is Joe Dolce, and here is a little bit about myself:
     I like the arts and photography. I work as a computer programmer and video photographer and editor. I’ve used Scientology to help me be successful in school. The Study Technology of Scientology helped me get my Engineering Degree and my Masters degree in Computer Science. I’ve met some really terrific people who are Scientologists. We have the best times with Scientologists, as they REALLY know how to have FUN!


Just a few simple ideas this week, but good ones.

Parmesan Oil
Take the hard dry end pieces of parmesan cheese when you are finished with a chunk and cut them in strips and put them in a dark glass bottle with cold pressed olive oil. After a few weeks, you will have a nice parmesan flavoured oil.

Quinoa Sushi Nori Roll
This is for those of you who already know how to make a nori roll.
Quinoa comes in red, black and white.
Just replace the rice with white quinoa. Unbelievably healthy, and better for you.
Here’s the way to prepare quinoa again and the  history of this supergrain:

Fava Bean Hummus
Dried Fava beans (Broad beans)
sea salt
cold pressed flax seed oil
cayenne pepper

Soak the dried beans to expand them. Make sure the water is always covering them.
Next day, drain the water. Place in a clean pot with fresh water to cover and bring to the boil.
Reduce heat to lowest setting and simmer for about an hour or until the beans are mushy inside and the skins
are starting to slip off.
Drain and immediately refresh with cold water.
Drain and place in a bowl.
Using a small knife, snip the ends of each bean and slip the skins off. Discard the skins.
Mash the beans with some sea salt and flax seed oil until smooth.
Place in a small dish, smooth out the surface, cover with a coating of flax seed oil and sprinkle some
cayenne pepper over the top. Addictive.
You can also make this dish with dried chickpeas (garbanzo beans.)


The subject tonight is Love
And for tomorrow night as well,
As a matter of fact
I know of no better topic
For us to discuss
Until we all
~ Hafiz ~
(thanks to Stefan Abeysekera)

Newsletter Archive  and  Recipe Index

NEWS!  Joe Dolce new CD, 'The Wind Cries Mary,' chosen as ALBUM OF THE YEAR by 97.1 FM, 3MDR Radio, Melbourne!

Listen to some excerpts via the link below:
Joe Dolce Electronic Press Kit

'If anyone needs to be convinced that Robert Earl Keen is the reigning champion of Texas twangers, Gravitational Forces makes one forceful knock-out blow. Keen delivers his goods early and often, starting with the singalong chorus to Joe Dolce's "My Home Ain't in the Hall of Fame." ' Scott Cooper, All Music Guide

" Stand out track: "Shutupayouface" - Because it's not every day The Teacher quotes Joe Dolce! " Freaky Trigger, Review of KRS-ONE, ‘Sneak Attack’.

'What's sa matta you, Hey? Hell yes, I know your song - It's kept us from the Number One spot in England and Australia.' Sting, The Police, 1981.

'Get the money,  Joe.' Chubby Checker: advice to Joe backstage at Musicladen, Germany. 1981.

'That man and his song have plagued us around the world.' Midge Ure, Ultravox, 1981.
'That was a good song. I wish I'd written it.' Midge Ure, Ultravox, 1996.


A man met a beautiful blonde and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in  Memphis  but I worked both sides of the  Mississippi !!!'
(thanks to Frank Dolce)