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October 9st, 2004


Walks With Eagles


" I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. "

Samuel Goldwyn


Hi folks,

I want to thank everyone who sent, and continues to send, ideas for the 25th Anniversary Celebration plans for 'Shaddap You Face,' in 2005. Keep them e-cards and e-letters comin'.

Favourite Reader Comments of the Week

Hey Joe,
Enjoyed your newsletter. You are a modern day Khalil Gibran.
Carol H.

(Note: Allah be with you, my child. May the Left Ear of Your Enemy Drop Off and Fall into His Right Pocket, and May the Camel Never Breathe Directly into Your Face.)

Hi Joe.
Happy Birthday!! - and a resounding 'auguri' -  congratulations for your unforgettable hit 'Shaddap You Face'  -  The irony, Joe, of the Aussie (and US) Idol shows is that we forget who wins about a week after the show comes to an end. In fact, the most memorable performers end up being the wacky William Hungs (I think that's how it's spelt - sorry)  - In final analysis -  at least they don't proclaim to have talent - whereas the other 'wanna be's' take themselves far too seriously as they parrot and live out their parent's failed dreams. Can you imagine Joe what it would have been like to have attended the Young Talent Time School for years  - attended every talent quest under the sun - just so that the poor bedraggled child/teenager be moulded into a non-entity by that f*ckwit Ian "Dicko"  - Who the hell is he anyway?? -  pretending to play music no one will remember - now back to when your song was played day in day out on the airwaves - I'm sure that many of us can remember what life in Australia was like 25 odd years ago. The song brings back many warm and wonderful memories. I remember how only very ethnic people dared eat garlic thereafter venturing into public places. How times have changed. I remember when my dad planted tomatoes and just about everything else in the back yard, and I was embarrased to bring Australian friends home for fear of being told that I had a farm in my back yard. Times have certainly changed. I remember when children in school grounds chased me all over the yard for a piece of my mum's pizza and home made spicy salami sangos. I think back to when baked beans and not spag bol was Australia's favourite dish. I remember when a Latte had no froth on top - only Cappuccinos were made with a head.  And Joe, I also remember how your song helped give my dad an identity, something that he could relate to. Finally somebody saw the humour in him  and did not merely judge his clamouring  strong ethnic prose. Thanks Joe. Go the Democrats in the US and Go Labour here in OZ!
Victor V.

Hi Joe,
Loved the last one.......Free Range Singer-Songwriter stuff....so true. Like a lot of this manufactured crap these days begs the question, what is the product, the video clip, the song or the hype behind the performer??? I'm a muso from the 70's and I see some bands getting around with guitarists that can't even play a bar chord, let alone a diminished or an augmented and the like. It REALLY makes me angry. And that Idol stuff...it's so bloody transparent yet people still watch it. I just don't get it
Cheers Jim T

G'day Joe,
"... i..e. Australian Idol Karoke chooks ..." We spoke briefly down at Jamberoo - I was the chunky bloke schizophrenically oscillating between a Nikon - and a button accordion for various Bush Music Club spots. Switching to yet another of my hats (publications / technical editing), can I point out that the accepted spelling is "karaoke"? I wouldn't know if the correct spelling is actually used by the people of whom you write ... I presume that you refer to some sort of television program - that I have carefully avoided.
Bob B.

I rarely disagree with you but in this case I feel I must come to Guy Sebastian's rescue. For all Idol's faults, it did unearth in Sebastian a very talented musician who DOES write and perform his own material. It may not be your taste in music, but that should not lessen his credibility or talent.
Annie F.

(Note: Well Annie, stop fiuming! (boom boom) I like Guy Sebastian. I merely dislike Australian Idol - the beast itself, and the sense of hyped reality it creates. An interesting statistic emerged this week. Sebastian's new song went straight into the Australian pop charts at No 1, selling 14,000 copies in the first week. The single he released right after he won Idol, however, went to No 1, selling 140,000 copies in the first week! (In other words, the promotional power of the show itself had a ten-fold effect on the sales figures in the immediate weeks following. Now if that isn't force-feeding the goose to get the fois gras, I don't know what is!) If my theory is correct, we should see similar figures, or thereabouts, after this year's Idol is selected.
And I'm sure many of the Idol kids can write their own material - therefore, why isn't songwriting considered part of the audition process and why aren't they encouraged (or even required) to perform their own original material on the show- or play an instrument? Performing, playing instruments, singing well and writing songs are all separate arts and they all come together in the great musical artist. (This is another example of the fragmentation of today's music: the wonderful renaissance-style multi-talented singer-songwriter-musician-performer that was so common in the 70s, is a vanishing species in commercial music today.)
There are different Frequencies of art, in any case: those which can be perceived by a contemporary commercial audience - and those which cannot. It's important, for an artist's sanity, to be able to know the difference, especially in one's own work. Here is an excerpt from a novella, about Johann Sebastian Bach:
" 'Do you recall that night we all went to Zimmerman's? The night of the first performance of Phoebus and Pan?' he asked. "It had been in 1731, Gottlieb, and I had just celebrated my thirtieth birthday. Sebastian (Bach) was conducting a group of musicians from the Collegium Musica in a performance of one of the secular works he had composed outside of his church duties."
Gorner recalled that the libretto to Phoebus and Pan had been written by Picander based on the Metamorphoses XI of Ovid, and the Greek myth. The cantata begins with the winds, gradually retreating into stillness. Then the two competitors enter. Pan, master of the pipes, boasts of the power of his merry songs to charm people to dance. Apollo (Phoebus) counters with a grave and solemn aria to his beloved on the lyre. To this, Pan replies by deriding his companion's weighty tunes. The arbiter of the dispute, the Lydian mountain God, Tmolus, decrees Apollo the winner, but King Midas, to the contrary, has voted for Pan. For his stupidity, King Midas is then bestowed with the punishment of having to wear asses' ears. Pan's flute represented music of an agreeable nature, of commerce, and of the Leipzig world of business, easily understood by anyone. The music of Apollo represented the beauty of melody with the grandeur and depth of learning, fit for the gods. Both types of music are justified, but must always be opposed to one another. However, where art is truly cherished, the music of Apollo, that of depth and beauty, will always emerge as more important. Bach knew that his music was the music of Phoebus, whereas the pipes of Pan echoed in the popular opera composers and nearly all the rest of the musical world of that period." 'Bequeathed', Joe Dolce, 1996.


I have a map of the United States, actual size. It says "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it.

Air Force Looks at New Microwave Weapon
by James Hannah

 DAYTON, Ohio - The Air Force expects planes will be able to fire non-lethal microwave rays at enemy ground troops with the help of a new superconducting generator system developed at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base after about 25 years of research.

LEST WE FORGET . . . . TO VOTE 'You Stupid $*&$#%'

" Judith Allen, longtime Arizonan and lifelong Republican, who served for 11 years as a clerk in Maricopa County's court system, says she was inspired to work for John Kerry because she got tired of yelling at Bush on TV."


A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. It could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also, like any good bartender, engage in appropriate conversation.

So a man enters the bar, orders a drink, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "150." And the robot proceeds to make conversation about quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and metaphysics. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
But he decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "80." And immediately the robot starts talking, but now about football, baseball, cheerleaders, and so on. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "40." And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"
(boom boom!)
(thanks to John E. Jacobs)


Walking Eagle Speaks

During his tour of the Apache Nation last week President Bush unveiled his plan to improve the lives of Native Americans. In response the elders took the opportunity to officially tell Mr. Bush his Apache name: Walking Eagle: a bird so full of shit it can't fly.
(thanks to Margret RoadKnight)


"There's 100,000 troops trained: police, guard, special units, border patrol. There's going to be 125,000 trained by the end of this year." President George W. Bush, Presidential Debate, September 30th, 2004


"Now listen . . ." Ross Wilson


Documents show that of the nearly 90,000 currently in the police force, only 8,169 have had the full eight-week academy training. Another 46,176 are listed as "untrained," and it will be July 2006 before the administration reaches its new goal of a 135,000-strong, fully trained police force.

Six Army battalions have had "initial training," while 57 National Guard battalions, 896 soldiers in each, are still being recruited or "awaiting equipment." Just eight Guard battalions have reached "initial (operating) capability," and the Pentagon acknowledged the Guard's performance has been "uneven."

Training has yet to begin for the 4,800-man civil intervention force, which will help counter a deadly insurgency. And none of the 18,000 border enforcement guards have received any centralised training to date, despite earlier claims they had, according to Democrats on the U.S. House of Representatives Appropriations Committee.

They estimated that 22,700 Iraqi personnel have received enough basic training to make them "minimally effective at their tasks," in contrast to the 100,000 figure cited by Bush. . . "

(thanks to Maireid Sullivan)



Two families moved from Pakistan to America. When  they arrived, the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time, whichever  family had become more American would win.

A year later they meet again.  The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I just had Mcdonalds for  breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud.

How about you?"

The second  man replied, "F*ck you, towel  head."
(thanks to Frank Dolce)

U.S. Can Eliminate Oil Use in a Few Decades

Winning the Oil Endgame Shows Businesses How to Mobilize and Profit

Winning the Oil Endgame shows that by 2015, the United States can save more oil than it gets from the Persian Gulf; by 2025, use less oil than in 1970; by 2040, import no oil; and by 2050, use no oil at all.



All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
 Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mum wore stockings that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore ties and female teachers had theirhair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked, and petrol pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
When a FB Holden was everyone's dream car?
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Stuff from the shop came without safety caps and hermetic seals.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you when you got home?
Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, Laurel and Hardy, The Famous Five, Secret Seven, Biggles, the Lone Ranger, Phantom, Roy and Dale and Trigger.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.
(thanks to Jim Testa)



9A. Treason
(1) A person who- (b) kills the Consort, of the Sovereign; shall be guilty of an indictable offence, called treason, and liable to- (g) level 1 imprisonment (life)

21A. Stalking
(2) A person (the offender) stalks another person (the victim) if the offender engages in a course of conduct which includes any of the following- (b) contacting the victim or any other person by text message, e-mail or other electronic communication or by any other means whatsoever; Penalty: Level 5 imprisonment (10 years maximum).

44. Incest
(3) A person who is aged 18 or older must not take part in an act of sexual penetration with a person whom he or she knows to be his or her step-father or step-mother. Penalty: Level 2 imprisonment (25 years maximum).

67A. Definitions
"child pornography" means a film, photograph, publication or computer game that describes or depicts a person who is, or looks like, a minor engaging in sexual activity or depicted in an indecent sexual manner or context.

Australasian Legal Information Institute




State Republican Party Says Michael Moore Illegally Offered Underwear in Exchange for Voting

The Michigan Republican Party is asking four county prosecutors to file charges against filmmaker Michael Moore, charging that he illegally offered underwear, noodles and snacks to college students in exchange for their promise to vote.

Today the Michigan Republican Party filed a request for an Issuance of Criminal Complaint against Hollywood filmmaker Michael Moore for his illegal attempts to influence the November election in Michigan. Mr. Moore's offers to clean a dorm room, provide a year's supply of Tostitos, provide a clean package of underwear or a package of Ramen noodles all are included in the definition of term `Valuable consideration' under Section 931.

(Note: Michael ought to check out the recipe I published in the Oct 18, 2003, newsletter, Agnello Brasato Con Vino Bianco e Biancheria Intima di Bruce Willis.) (recipe)


Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.

In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Hot water is heavier than cold water.


Golden Tomato Sauce

This recipe came from a desire to make a tomato sauce for pasta that wasn't red. I had seen tiny yellow grape tomatoes around and thought it would be worth a shot. It takes some time to peel the little critters, but the result is sublime, tasting just like a rich red tomato sauce - but doesn't look like one!

3 ponnets of yellow grape tomatoes
one yellow onion, finely chopped
1 small piece of guanciale, pancetta, or bacon in coarse chunks
clove of garlic, minced
butter and olive oil
1/2 cup white chardonnay
1 tble sugar
salt & pepper to taste

Put the yellow grape tomatoes in some boiling water for a few minutes until the skins loosen. Remove from heat and drain. Refresh in cold water and remove the skins with your fingers. Set aside the pulp. In a saucepan, melt the equal parts butter and olive oil, and fry the meat until it releases its flavours into the oil. Remove the meat (toss aside or eat it while you're finishing!) and saute the onions until transparent. Add the garlic and cook for about a minute. Add the wine and cook for a few minutes until the alcohol burns off. Add the yellow tomatoes, sugar, salt and pepper and cook for about half hour. (Mash the tomatoes or put through a food processor, or strain, to get an evenly textured sauce - or else just serve the sauce as is, unstrained.)
Serve over a yellow-themed pasta such as pumpkin or sweet potato fettucini or gnocchi, with grated parmesean cheese, and parsley, if desired. A side serve of yellow capsicums or peppers, that have had the skin burned off over a flame, and tossed with a little olive oil and garlic also would work. Think yellow. A glass of chardonnay. Yellow roses in a vase.


Oysters Joseph

There was one lone kaffir lime on my little tree in the back garden and I was trying to think of something creative to do with it.

1 dozen freshly shelled oysters
1 Italian pork sausage
1 kaffir lime, (or finely shredded kaffir lime leaf)
Worchester sauce
freshly ground parsely
Freshly ground black pepper

Take the sausage meat out of the casing and fry gently until cooked, separating with a fork. Lay each of the oysters in a tray and place a little of the cooked sausage meat over the top and sprinkle some Worchester sauce on each one. Place under the grille until ready. Serve with a wedge of kaffir lime (or some finely shredded leaf over the top), a splash of Worchester sauce and a sprinkle of black pepper and parsley.



Life is a garden,
not a road
we enter and exit
through the same gate
where we go matters less
than what we notice

~ Bokonon ~
 (The Lost Book)