JOE DOLCE NEWSLETTER
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Friday September 11th, 2009
Adjustment for Modesty
Never order barbeque in a place that also serves quiche.
Lewis Grizzard
Hi folks,
Lin Van Hek and I just got an invite to perform with Alicia Bay Laurel at the Happy Flower Beach Party Music Festival, in Okinawa, in late October. We’ll be doing a couple of other shows together, at Café Unizon, in Okinawa, and also at the Yukotopia Deadheadsland Nightclub, in Umewejima, Tokyo. Details on my website: http://www.joedolce.net . Domo arigato Alicia!
THE WRECK OF THE USS MELBOURNE
The USS Melbourne (NCC-62043) was an Excelsior-class Federation starship that was in service during the mid-24th century. The Melbourne was one of three ships docked at Starbase 74 during the USS Enterprise-D's upgrade there in 2364. When the Enterprise was hijacked by a group of Bynars, the Melbourne was unable to pursue due to her repair status. The station's CO, Orfil Quinteros, initiated a rush repair schedule to get the vessel ready for pursuit, but the situation was resolved before the Melbourne was flight-ready. In late 2366, William Riker was offered the command of the Melbourne. While Jean-Luc Picard described her as "a fine ship," Riker decided not to pursue the commission at that time, choosing instead to remain aboard the Enterprise-D.
Soon after, the Melbourne formed part of the forty-strong Federation task force that stood against an invading Borg cube at the Battle of Wolf 359, and was destroyed in the battle. Lieutenant Gregory Bergan was among the Melbourne's crew at that time. When the Enterprise-D arrived in the system a few hours later, the wreck of the Melbourne was one of the vessels recognized by Commander Shelby.
FAVOURITE LETTERS OF THE WEEK
Joe,
RE: Robert Patrick – Boozefighters Motorcycle Club
I had the good luck to ride with Robert Patrick a few love rides back.
such a gentleman.... his brother richard is one of the best vocalists in the world. h a l l o r a n
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Patrick
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8Wh3Jk38TM
Dear Joe ,
. . . Interestingly, I went through the public school system in Australia in the 70's and many off my friends were of Italian background, so when Shaddap first came out, of course I got the joke, we all did, but Tabitha [my daughter], growing up in Chatswood has an entirely different cultural mix as her play mates.
She said in all seriousness "What language is he singing? " until her ears ( and eyes) became accustomed. Beware, you are already being (miss) quoted .
So far I have heard: "Get out of the place." "Get off of my face. " (Which I always assumed you were when you had the audacity to write it!) Stephen Dunlevey
Joe,
RE: Shutter Up You Face
I don't think anyone in Melbourne (or Australia for that matter) could connect "Shaddap You Face" with anyone other than you... so you definitely brought that one out of the chianti closet for us all as you say - and I'm sure the snappy ad agency creatives who titled that exhibition were tipping their fedoras straight atcha!
On a separate subject, but similar theme, my aunt Alexandra recently told the funny story of taking my (now deceased) endlessly amusing Greek yaya (grandmother) to see a Peter Sellers film at the Odeon Theatre in Bourke Street in the 70's. My aunt thought taking yaya out to see movies was a cutural, progressive step in getting her out of the house to experience a bit of life outside of raising seven little Aussies. My yaya, a caricature of the blackly attired, widowed Greek migrant grandmother with very little english, was unaware that she was about to see some nudity in the film (tame by current standards). At the sudden sight of an undressed woman in a bathroom (and her first experience of nudity at the cinema), my yaya's shocked wog reflexes took over as she stood bolt upright in the cinema, slapped her hands to her head and gasped at the top of her lungs in a mix of hysterical exclamation, outrage, amusement and horror - "AH SHADDAP!!!" ... apparently you had to be there, but it still cracks my aunt up just thinking about it. See you 'round.
Elly Mantzaris,
Creative Director, Black Widow Graphic Design, E: elly@blackwidowdesign.com.au
Hi Joe.
I love your emails. Here is my contribution.
When Gerry Garcia passed away he found himself travelling down the obligatory tunnel. When he reached the end, much to his amazement and delight he saw all his heroes sitting around tuning up. At one end of the room was Jimi Hendrix, Elvis, Sid Vicious, Dwayne Allman, John Bonham, Feddy Mercury and Jim Morrison. Over there was Janis Joplin chatting with Frank Zappa, John Lennon, Michael Hutchence, Bon Scott and Kurt Cobain. Gerry was stunned – “Wow, there really is a rock n roll heaven” he said.
“Heaven”? replied Hendrix.
Just then, Karen Carpenter walked in. “Ok guys, break’s over. Once more from the top. Two, three..........”Why do stars suddenly appear...........” Regards, Rob Saunders
Joe,
I can appreciate the bit about the mower- I bought an electric one - starts every time. Blue the Shearer has awful trouble too. [see pome.] Russell Hannah
MY MOWER
I have a motor mower, an abortion of a thing,
And my hate for it increases, with the coming of each Spring.
When first I bought my mower, the written guarantee,
Said that it would start first time, with just one pull from me.
I fill it up with petrol. Make sure I've turned the switch.
Move the throttle. Check the choke, and try to start the bitch.
I pull it once. I pull it twice. I pull my sacred guts out.
Surprise. Surprise. It gives a cough, a wheeze,
and then ‑‑ it cuts out.
And if, by some strange accident, the bastard starts to run,
I race to cut the lawn, and then ‑‑ the catcher comes undone.
I put the catcher on again, the motor stops. Guess what?
No way is there to start this bloody mower when it's hot.
You wonder that I don't complain. What would be the use?
They'd send an expert to my house. He'd pick me for a goose.
He'd give one pull and start it. I'd lose again, you see,
In the never‑ending battle, between machines and me.
The bloke who sold it to me, he says the mower's O.K.
(I bought my chainsaw off him, too, and lived to rue the day)
He says that I'm the problem, that motors hate me. Then ‑‑
He's got the hide to tell me, I should shop at Mitre 10.
My wife can start it. Kids can too. The woman down the street.
Everyone can start it, but that bugger's got me beat.
I'm sure it sees me coming, and decides to have some fun,
And though I pull, and pull, and pull, I can't get it to run.
My family quite enjoys the show, I know the neighbours do.
They like to see my face turn red, and watch the air turn blue.
I can't reveal the brand name of this cursed pain‑inflicter,
But here's a clue: you'll never guess ‑‑
It rhymes with boa constrictor.
BLUE - the shearer (copyright col wilson)
31/10/08
BOX OFFICE
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We no longer call it the cockpit'
'It's the box office.'
(thanks to Domenica Leone)
Australian Do Not Call! Register
Sick of telemarketers?
https://www.donotcall.gov.au/
Frog in Pepsi Can - the Real Thing
A Florida man who cracked open an ice cold can of Pepsi found dismembered remains of a frog, the US Food and Drug Administration said on Thursday.
"It has been verified, and it was indeed a frog," Charles Watson, a spokesman at the US food inspection authority, told AFP from Florida, noting that the animal had been identified by an FDA lab. Fred DeNegri of Ormond Beach told CNN television that he was taken aback by the "disgusting" blob he was not expecting in his drink. DeNegri bought the soda at a Sam's Club wholesale grocer, CNN said. The FDA has launched an investigation into how the incident occurred.
PEPSI FROG MAGNET
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=20305740
What I’m Watching This Week
The Soloist – with Robert Downey Jr. (2009) In 2005, the only thing hurting Los Angeles Times columnist Steve Lopez more than his face from a recent bike accident was his pressing need for story ideas. That is when he discovers Nathaniel Ayers, a mentally ill, homeless street musician who possesses extraordinary talent, even through his half-broken instruments. Inspired by his story, Lopez writes an acclaimed series of articles about Ayers and attempts to do more to help both him and the rest of the underclass of LA have a better life. However, Lopez's good intentions run headlong in the hard realities of the strength of Ayers' personal demons and the larger social injustices facing the homeless. Regardless, Lopez and Ayers must find a way to conquer their deepest anxieties and frustrations to hope for a brighter future for both of them. True story, based on the book by Steve Lopez, with Beethoven throughout. Worth watching once. However, something a bit demoralizing about the overall impression. A bit heavy handed.
Dollhouse – with Eliza Dushku. Produced by Dushku and Josh Whedon. Weldon is the creator of Firefly, one of my favourite sci-fi tv series. This US series doesn’t really get cracking until Episode 6.
Species IV: The Awakening (2007) with Ben Cross. A scientist, Dr Holander, takes his niece Miranda to Mexico in an attempt to reverse the effects of the alien DNA he used to create her. However the treatment goes horribly wrong, and sets Miranda on a killing spree as she sets out to find a mate. What a bow-wow! (The first in the four film franchise, Species I (1995), on the other hand, was brilliant – up there with Alien and Bladerunner, due to the fine ensemble acting of Natasha Henstridge, Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Forest Whitaker and Alfred Molina.)
Priapus: Dirty Layers Hid Painting's PENIS!
From the ABC
A Brazilian art restorer has discovered a new layer hidden in a centuries-old painting of the Greek god of fertility Priapus by French artist Nicolas Poussin - the deity's erect penis.
"They hid the phallus of Priapus. It's what we call adjustment for modesty, and it's not uncommon," said Regina Pinto Moreira, quoted in Tuesday's edition of the Folha de Sao Paulo newspaper.
She suspects the cover-up was made in conservative Catholic Spain in the 18th century.
Ms Moreira, who worked as an master art restorer at the Louvre in Paris for some 30 years, spent eight months alongside two French experts restoring Poussin's large 1634-1638 painting Hymenaios Disguised As A Woman During An Offering To Priapus.
The 3.71-metre by 1.66-metre artwork depicts Hymenaios, the Greek god of marriage ceremonies, dressed as a woman and dancing with Priapus, who was traditionally depicted with an erect penis.
The painting however once belonged to the Spanish royal family, and Ms Moreira says she thinks this was when the post-production modesty came in.
Removing layers of dirt, dust and paint specks that accumulated over more than three centuries cost 150,000 euros ($257,500).
The artwork will be put on display at Sao Paulo's grand Museo de Art on September 8.
http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/newshome/5905311
(Note: for more depictions of Priapus’s package through history use Google Images.)
RIP Ellie Greenwich
Ellie Greenwich, who has died aged 68, co-wrote some of the most enduring pop songs of the 1960s and collaborated with the "Wall of Sound" producer Phil Spector on such classics as Da Doo Ron Ron, Be My Baby (both 1963), and River Deep – Mountain High (1966).
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/culture-obituaries/music-obituaries/6100832/Ellie-Greenwich.html
The Crystals singing Da Doo Ron Ron
"Da doo ron ron" was a line of nonsense lyrics to be corrected later in the writing process, according to Ellie Greenwich and Jeff Barry. But, in one of those perfect early 60s girl-group moments, it was kept in and the original name of the song-- "When He Walked Me Home--" was changed to "Da Doo Ron Ron" by Phil Spector. And those lyrics were a euphemism for what REALLY happened when "he walked me home." Perfect... one of those synergistic moments in pop... and this song became unforgettable--
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqgtsai2aKY
(thanks to David Gollust)
Hitler Finds Out Michael Jackson Has Died
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELyTBXzfQJ8
Wiley Coyote - Life After Roadrunner
Wiley Coyote and his coping with life after he finally catches the RoadRunner.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jZiRve3elk
(thanks to Joe Creighton)
~ FAMOUS DOLCES OF THE WORLD ~
MR STEWIE
aka
King Dolce
“ bahaha chu awreadyy knoww. we stayy holdin itt down fo yuu bruhh.
haha we fuccin love yu tha fullestt rogue. haha andd yess yess. i know.
i put a smile on everyoness face.
(: i hope yewr duinn gudd. baha he sedd wassup rogue
git active mayne
wadda faggnutt.
haha love ya moree dude! ”
http://www.myspace.com/mrstewie
(Note: I couldn’t have said it better myself.)
RECIPE
SAGO PUDDING (Bubur Sagu)
Pandan leaves can be purchased frozen at Asian groceries and kept in the freezer until you need them. They add an amazing and subtle flavour to the water.
Ingredients:
100 g sago
3 cups water
2 pandan leaves, tied in a knot
200 g dark palm sugar, grated
half teas sea salt
whole vanilla bean, scraped
1 cup coconut milk
Toppings:
dark palm sugar syrup
Extra coconut milk
Vanilla ice cream
Method:
Soak the sago pearls and pandan leaves in the water in a medium sauce pan for at least fifteen minutes until the sago has expanded.
Add the scraped vanilla bean and gently heat the sago over a low flame and stir continuously until it is a gluey transparent mass.
Add the palm sugar, sea salt and one-half cup of coconut milk. Stir until thoroughly mixed together and glossy. Remove vanilla bean and pandan leaf.
Serve warm or chill.
Serve with remaining coconut milk, and/or a scoop of vanilla ice cream, with some dark palm sugar syrup on top (if you like sweet). With fresh mango or banana.
To Make Dark Palm Sugar Syrup
500 g dark palm sugar, grated
2 cups water
Very easy. Boil the water with the sugar in a saucepan for about 15 minutes. Do not stir and let it reduce by half. When small bubbles appear on top, turn it off. Strain while warm into a jug and let cool.
This next lyric is from a new song that forms part of a larger CD work in-progress titled ‘Tales from Painesville.’
I’m writing all these songs with late 60s Beatlish arrangements as that was typical of the music we were listening to back then. The ‘Mr Q’ of the song will be instantly recognizable by anyone living in Painesville at that time and if anyone indeed was privileged to accompany him down into his basement, please write and tell me the story.
Mr Q
Friday was the day new comics came out
Superman, Green Lantern and The Flash
down to Mr Q’s comic book shop
we ten year old kids would all dash.
While I was reading, squatting in the aisle
Mr Q would come up behind
And press himself against me there
Rubbing his cheek against mine
Mr Q
Mr Q’d give me a squeeze and ask how I was
then he’d start playing with my hair
I’d tell him, ‘Fine,’ and continue reading
pretending he wasn’t there.
I thought Mr Q was just like a relative
that’s always trying to kiss you
even when you didn’t much feel like doing it
but your folks told you that you just had to.
Mr Q
What happened to you?
I heard you got busted
I guess you couldn’t be trusted
Man, you were so creepy, too.
Mr Q
One time Mr Q reached between my legs
and put his hand down there
he started rubbing and I yelled, ‘don’t!’
He stopped and I gave him a stare.
Some of my friends used to tell me
Mr Q would take them downstairs
and give them ten dollars to play with them
but that’s something I never dared.
Don’t get me wrong, I thought about it
when Mr Q gave me those looks
‘cause ten whole dollars back in those days
would have bought a lot of comic books.
Mr Q
What happened to you?
I heard you got busted
I guess you couldn’t be trusted
Man, you were so creepy, too.
Mr Q .
~ Joe Dolce ~
THE FINAL HURRAH
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming
fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Dave.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag
rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied.
"Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in
my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.
Then the wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise'."
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said,
'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do
whatever you want'......
SO HERE I AM !"
(thanks to Ian Thompson)
