Hi folks,

This is a fun , food and sex education issue so enjoy it.

Firstly, what has one eye, one horn and flies and eats people? (The answer follows a little later.)

If anyone has a compatibility problem with the newsletter and is receiving a mess of keyboard symbols in with the text - and you are particularly interested in something I've sent being legible, you can always go to my website and read the newsletter there, sometimes with pictures and full colour, in the Archive Section.

Here's a couple of recent encouragements about the newsletter that more than make up for some of the comments from ignoramuses I have to put up with lately:

"Dear Joe,
I enjoy your newsletter, but have no idea how I came to be receiving it. That's one of the reasons I hold the position that governments must not be allowed to legislate against "Spam" email." M.L.

"Dear Joe,
I don't know who gave you my email address but thanks to whomsoever it may be. I had a go at your linguine recipe...delicious. I passed it onto a friend, someone who might also appreciate your newsletter. Keep up the good work, cheers." R.F.

My friend, songwriter Doug Ashdown was so obviously inspired by a few of the recipes that he wanted to contribute one of his own so I thought I'd put this nice one he sent me first up.

Stand back, Jamie!

Chef Ashdown writes:

'This is a great recipe for roast chicken - perfect for people, like me, who aren't sure how to tell when a chook is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try:"

ROAST STUFFED CHICKEN

No. 20 chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 190 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds...

When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

(note: Thanks Doug. Seriously though, cooking something with popcorn is a good idea, but what? Anyone have any creative ideas here?)

I have been trying to watch my language, in past newsletters, so as not to trigger the automatic spam filtering devices that a lot of pencil-headed people have installed on their computers but I've decided that anyone who wants to restrict and block their e-mails from simple street language words like ass, and that sort of thing, probably doesn't really need to get my newsletter in the first place so, through a kind of natural selection, everything works out for the best. I kind of need to employ those words occaisionally to emphasis certain loftier intellectual concepts, if you get my cock eyed drift. (That one should clog up a few.)

R.I.P. P.P.E. The Purple People Eater - circa 1958

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (Reuters) - Sheb Wooley, whose novelty song "Purple People Eater" was a No. 1 hit in 1958, died Tuesday after a five-year battle with leukaemia, his family said Wednesday. He was 82. Wooley's widow, Linda Dotson, said he died at a hospital. He was well enough to attend the visitation for long-time friend Johnny Cash on Sunday but suffered a setback and could not attend Cash's funeral on Monday. In 1969 he became an original cast member of television's country variety show "Hee Haw," for which he wrote the theme song. He was also a mentor to the late singer and songwriter Roger Miller who, like Wooley, was a native of Erick, Oklahoma. His "Purple People Eater," sold 3 million copies in just three weeks and topped the charts for six weeks. Reuters/VNU

Sheb got the idea for 'Purple People Eater' from a joke one of his kids came home from school with: 'Dad, what has one eye, one horn and flies and eats people? A one-eyed, one-horned, flying people eater.' (Remember those kind of kid-logic jokes?) He had never heard this one before so made a song out of it, mostly for fun, and thought no more about it. Later, he played some of his more serious songs for the A&R guys at MGM Records, who weren't impressed. They asked him if he had anything else. Not holding out much hope, he played them 'Purple People Eater' and they loved it. The 'smart guys' in charge of sales didn't want to release it as they thought it would give the company a novelty image. But the President of the MGM Records insisted. At that time, MGM was practically broke and the surprise success of the song saved them financially.

As well as songwriting, Sheb also had some choice parts in great films such as High Noon, with Gary Cooper, Rocky Mountain, with Errol Flynn, Giant, with James Dean, and he played Clint Eastwood's side-kick in the original pilot for 'Rawhide'. He also had a nice role in 'Hoosiers' which was his personal final and favourite acting role.

Here are the lyrics:

" Well I saw the thing coming out of the sky
It had one long horn and one big eye
I commenced to shakin' and I said ooh-wee
It looks like a purple people eater to me
It was a one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater
Sure looks good to me. " full Lyrics

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It Could Happen . . . .

2003. Newly elected California Governor Jean-Claude Van Damme, earlier in the week finished first in the balloting to recall unpopular incumbent Arnold Schwarzenegger. . .

Quick News Picks . . . .

How anger over Florida recount still roils politics

WASHINGTON ­ The nation's political landscape is being revisited by a spectre many thought had been permanently laid to rest in the wake of 9/11: the Florida recount.

With the fate of the California recall election now in the hands of the courts, and late-night comedians once again joking about hanging chads, the finale of the 2000 election is suddenly re-emerging as a potent force in US politics - one that is casting a shadow over current contests, and could prove a key factor in 2004. (more)

Kennedy Says Iraq War Case a 'Fraud'
Thu Sep 18, 6:31 PM ET
By STEVE LeBLANC, Associated Press Writer

BOSTON - The case for going to war against Iraq was a fraud "made up in Texas" to give Republicans a political boost, Sen. Edward Kennedy said Thursday.

In an interview with The Associated Press, Kennedy also said the Bush administration has failed to account for nearly half of the $4 billion the war is costing each month. He said he believes much of the unaccounted-for money is being used to bribe foreign leaders to send in troops. (more)

'Open Society' Advocate George Soros Funds Plan to Block Bush
Sun Sep 14, 5:30 PM ET

UNITED NATIONS, Sep 12 (IPS) -- George Soros, most often described as a billionaire philanthropist, once shared some of the political values of U.S. President George W. Bush.  For example, they both wanted ''regime change'' in Iraq. Now Soros has made a full political circle: he wants to see a ''regime change'' in the United States

A long-time pro-democracy advocate and a sometimes currency speculator, Soros is openly backing a non-governmental initiative called 'Americans Coming Together' (ACT) aimed at stopping Bush in his bid for a second term as president of the United States. (more)
(thanks to Carolyn Kay )

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LANGUAGE STUDY

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.  The rset can be a total mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.  amzanig huh?
(Thanks to Maireid Sullivan.)
----------------------------

Politician ordered to read Gandhi
By Sampath Kumar
BBC correspondent in Madras

A judge in southern India has ordered a politician to brush up on the teachings of the country's pacifist independence leader, Mahatma Gandhi.

A Ranganathan, a senior opposition member from the city of Madras (Chennai), was in court to face charges of intimidating behaviour.

The judge in the case granted him bail - and then told him he must spend five days in the museum of Mahatma Gandhi in the city of Madurai.

Last week, the court ordered Mr Ranganathan to buy Mahatma Gandhi's autobiography, My Experiment with the Truth. (more)
(thanks to Stefan Abeysekera)
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BRILLIANT UK FORD CAR AD - The EvilTwin

" Genius funny wry sly and of course if this ad ran in the States PETA and their brethren would be all frantic and apoplectic and write screechy letters . . . Go to EvilTwin then, go to View Highlights, click on Clip #1. "
Or you can download the whole.mpg file directly here: 1Mb mp3 download
(THANKS TO THE SF GATE DAILY FIX)
==========

'M-word' Prompts Papers to Pull 'Doonesbury'

If you're "Doonesbury" creator Garry Trudeau and you mention the "M" word -- as in masturbation -- editors will pull your strip. Characters in Sunday's strip discuss a recent study by Australian scientists who found that men who masturbate often in their 20s are 30 percent less likely to get prostate cancer later. (full article)

(Note: You got to love those Australian scientists! Once again, knowledge catching up with common sense.)
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FUN

FEED THE MODEL GAME - Play Here

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Lessons for Initiates

LIFE AND DEATH

When John Daido Loori was a monk at the Los Angeles Zen Center, he remarked one day to Maezumi Roshi: " I have resolved the question of life and death."
"Are you sure?" Maezumi asked.
"Yes,"replied Loori.
"Are you really sure?
Absolutely," Loori answered.
With that, Maezumi threw himself violently upon Loori and began to strangle him. Gasping for breath, Loori struggled to escape, but to no avail. Finally he swung back his fist and struck his teacher, knocking him aside. Maezumi rose to his feet and brushed himself off.
"Resolved the question of life and death, eh?" he laughed, and walked off.
Later, still bearing the marks of his teacher's fingers on his throat, Loori passed a senior monk, Genpo Sensei. On seeing the bruises, Genpo did a double take.
"Told Roshi you'd resolved the question of life and death, did you?" he said and strode away laughing.

Sean Murphy: from One Bird, One Stone: 108 American Zen Stories published by Renaissance Books.
(thanks to Stefan Abeysekera)

================

JOKES

playin fireman

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his balls. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
(thanks to Frank Dolce)

ALL Women Can Benefit from the Wisdom of the Navajo:

A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.   Because the trip  had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says,
"Good trade."
(Thanks to Maireid Sullivan.)

===================

COOKING TIPS

Butter vs. Margarine

Butter...

° Both have the same amount of calories
° Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
° Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter -  according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
° Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
° Butter has many nutritional benefits, whereas margarine has a few only because they are added.
° Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
° Butter has been around for centuries whereas margarine has been around for less then 100 years

Margarine...

° Lowers HDL cholesterol.
° Increases the risk of cancers by up to five-fold.
° Lowers quality of breast milk.
° Decreases immune response.
° Decreases insulin response.

And here is the most disturbing fact.... Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE from being PLASTIC.

This fact alone should be enough to have you avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated - this means hydrogen is added - changing the molecular structure of the food.

EXPERIMENT: Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or a  shaded area.

Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things - no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it, (that should tell you something) It does not rot, or smell differently..
Because it has no nutritional value, nothing will grow on it, even those teeny weenie micro-organisms will not a find a home to grow on... Why? because it is nearly plastic.
(Thanks to Maireid Sullivan.)

===============
The Honest-2-God Truth:

United States Patent- 6,485,77
Semen taste-enhancement dietary supplement.

Description of Patent: The present invention is directed towards a powdered dietary supplement formulation consisting essentially of a combination of freeze-dried fruits, vegetables and spices, wherein the formulation is prepared as a drink, tablet or capsule. The tablet may also be in chewable form. full Patent report
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WARNING The recipe down below has some X-rated links.
DON'T go to those links if nudity offends OR if you are a MINOR.

I will repeat this warning twice more later so there's no excuse if you startle yourself stupid. You have been warned. To click or not to click - that is the question . . . .

Recipe

Bacalla alla Vagina Dentata

(My Italian-Cajun lovechild, as the American South practically invented Fish-Meets-Hot Sauce.)

First, a little background on the name of the dish. (This falls under the official category of sex-education:)~

" "Toothed vagina," the classic symbol of men's fear of sex . . . 'Mouth' comes from the same root as "mother" -- Anglo-Saxon muth, also related to the Egyptian Goddess Mut. Vulvas have labiae, "lips," and many men have believed that behind the lips lie teeth. Christian authorities of the Middle Ages taught that certain witches, with the help of the moon and magic spells, could grow fangs in their vaginas. They likened women's genitals to the "yawning" mouth of hell, though this was hardly original; the underworld gate had always been the yoni of Mother Hel. It has always "yawned" -- from Middle English yonen, another derivatave of "yoni." 'The Woman's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets,' by Barbara Walker
(more: but CAREFUL: X-rated - don't click this link if full frontal nudity offends OR if you are a MINOR. That's Twice.) Link

A Sort-of-Thematic Tattoo (I repeat: DON'T click this link either if full frontal nudity offends OR if you are a MINOR. That's Three Times.) Link

"Call me Ishmael . . .

. . . And then it was, that suddenly sweeping his sickle-shaped lower jaw beneath him, Moby Dick had reaped away Ahab's leg, as a mower a blade of grass in the field.... Small reason was there to doubt, then, that ever since that almost fatal encounter, Ahab had cherished a wild vindictiveness against the whale, all the more fell for that in his frantic morbidness he at last came to identify with it, not only all his bodily woes, but all his intellectual and spiritual exasperations. The White Whale swam before him as the monomaniac incarnation of all those malicious agencies which some deep men feel eating in them, till they are left living on with half a heart and half a lung. That intangible malignity which has been from the beginning; to whose dominion even the modern Christians ascribe one-half of the worlds; which the ancient Ophites of the east reverenced in their statue devil; -- Ahab did not fall down and worship it like them; but deliriously transferring its idea to the abhorred white whale, he pitted himself, all mutilated, against it. All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, where visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Moby Dick. He piled upon the whale's white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart's shell upon it. -- Chapter 41 (Moby Dick)

Shiver me timbers! Hoist ye aft and jerry-rig me up a bosun's mate! Now to cook the Infernal Fish:

Ingredients:

4 fillets of bacalla, cut into about 4 inch pieces
A carrot, minced
2 ribs celery, minced
1 medium-sized onion, minced
1/2 cup dry white wine
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1/2 green bell pepper, finely sliced
Large handful pitted Ligurian black olives
Handful of salted capers
1/4 cup olive oil
flour for dredging
Some parsley, minced
1/2 hot red chile, minced
4 tablespoons Ass-Kickin' Cajun Hot Sauce (or your favourite hot sauce - but keep the bottle handy while you're dodging bones and fins.)
Water
Salt, pepper to taste

Method:

First, harpoon yourself up a nice little Gadus morhua, G. macrocephalus, Anoplopoma fimbria, Genyonemus lineatus, Ophiodon elongatus, Scorpaenichthys marmoratus, Scorpaenichthys marmoratus, Sebastes carnatus, Sebastes goodei, Sebastes levis, Sebastes nebulosus, Sebastes spp. - or have the man at the fish shop do it for you.

Soak the bacalla for 24 hours in three changes of water to remove most of the salt. Remove the skin and cut into pieces. IMPORTANT: LEAVE THE BONES IN! (i.e. the 'teeth' - otherwise, there's no risk of choking to death.)

Flour the bacalla fillets lightly and put the pieces in a broad skillet with the oil and brown them on both sides, then remove to a dish and sprinkle with half the wine.

Sauté the minced onion, carrot, celery, and hot chile in some olive oil in the pot. When the onions have browned lightly, stir in the tomato paste, thinly sliced green pepper, olives, capers, the hot sauce and about a half cup of hot water. Bring to a boil and cook for a couple of minutes, then season to taste with salt and pepper.

Gently nestle the bacalla fillets back into the sauce in the pan, sprinkle with the minced parsley, gently add two ladles of hot water, cover, and simmer for one hour, checking every now and then to see if you need to add water.

Serve this with polenta, and some thinly sliced steamed zucchini with butter. Big chunks of fresh bread to soak up the juice won't hurt. Make liberal use of the bottled hot sauce as your intestinal fortitude permits. (Remembering it's supposed to kick ass, not kiss it.)

Serves 2-3

Final cooking tip from the experts: