Barbara's story
I'm Barbara and I'm alcoholic. The following is My "Strange" Story. I am one of the lucky, 'But for the Grace of God', members. God allowed me to see the light and the way that my drinking was progressing before I became consumed by it. I'm also lucky because AA "raised the bottom" so those of us with 'high bottoms' could belong too. He knew that I already knew what hell on earth was like because of the life I had survived as a child and as an abused wife. So I believe that He spared me a low bottom by putting people into my life that showed me just where and how far down I could go, if I continued to experiment instead of quitting while I still had some control of the situation! I heeded their warnings: "I used to drink like that, too, before the alcohol consumed me, but nobody showed me how far down I'd go from there." And I was able to stop drinking on my own. That's not to say that I was sane at the time or that my life was manageable, because I wasn't and it wasn't!!!
My ex-husband, Jim, and most all of his family are die hard alcoholics and/or drug addicts. His dad turned a pale greenish color when he died of it and his mother scares the hell out of me! My ex was even more abusive every time he added alcohol to his system, especially when he was stressed out by the Army and couldn't take out his anger on them!
By the time I decided to get a divorce, in my time, it was New Year's Day 1990. My Mom had just died and I had been alone since before that time as my ex-to-be was overseas. On New Year's Eve I was playing Russian Roulette with my empty revolver to hear the sound of it firing on an empty cylinder while crying my eyes and heart out due to the grief and loneliness. When I started to load the gun, something made me drop it on the bed and call my girl friend long distance. We talked while I cried for over 2 hours. Her Dad had died a few years prior to my Mom's death so she knew just how I was feeling.
Now I knew for certain that my life was unmanageable and couldn't remember when it wasn't! I knew that I needed help because I was so screwed up by 40 years of abuse and now my Mom's death, too. So I set about trying to get help. That led me to therapists and groups with the Army, a civilian therapist, other displaced homemaker type programs, and to E.A.---Emotions Anonymous--which I knew I belonged in! Unfortunately, I didn't find much recovery or help there. The only ones who were actually doing better were ones that belonged to A.A. or Al-Anon, too!------I found that out later!
When my fiance joined A.A., I joined Al-Anon, because I thought that I had to be living with a practicing alcoholic to join and hadn't realized at that time that my ex-husband was one! I stayed with Al-Anon after my fiance left me, until my sponsor quit on me because she felt that she was 'working my program for me'. Her timing stunk and I withdrew from everyone and everything! That was in March of 1995 and I hadn't had a drink since December of 1994. However, I started thinking a lot more about going out and getting drunk and I kept losing more and more of my sanity until I just knew that I had to go to a meeting somewhere! That's when I made myself go to an open candlelight AA meeting a short distance from where I lived. I was scared to death!!! I'd gone to other open meetings just to see what they were like and to learn, but I'd never gone to one because I had to have a meeting or go nuts! That's where I met some people that over time and with the help of others started to help me see that my drinking wasn't 'normal'.
I'd started drinking when I was 18. The only 'lecture' on drinking that I'd gotten from my parents was, "If you drink, be careful." Now, that wasn't a normal lecture from my parents to me! The first time I drank, I only had one drink just to be safe. The second time I drank, I was going to a college dance and one of the girls that rode with me had her brother pick up 2 6-packs of Colt 45---one 12oz. and one 16oz. When we got to the dance I told them that I needed to get a drink of water because I was parched---I hadn't eaten much, either. They convinced me that I should just drink some of the Colt 45, instead. Now, I can't stand the taste of beer and it doesn't like me and my stomach, either, so I wasn't sure about doing this, since the two are similar. But she opened a 16oz and handed it to me. It went down in a couple of minutes because I was so thirsty. So a 12oz was opened to quench the rest of my thirst and it went down even faster! They hit me about 1/2 an hour later and I had one hell of a time dancing and kissing the guy that I was dancing with!
By the end of the dance the guy I was with and my friend and the guy she was with decided to go for a ride in my guy's car. I made an absolute ass out of myself but, at the time, I didn't care! The next day, I cared and vowed never to repeat that kind of behavior! By the way, no matter what I've drank, or how much I've drank, or how drunk I've gotten, I've always remembered everything that I drank and everything that I did!!! And, believe me, there have been times when I wish that I didn't!! Although the only person that I've ever done any real damage or harm to when I've been drunk, has been me, because I've gone against my true nature and done and allowed things to be done that I wouldn't normally do or allow to be done. Most of these disasters have taken place when I've gone out to get drunk! I was told that wasn't 'normal' behavior, either! Seems that a lot of my drinking wasn't 'normal' but I always thought that it was!!!
Most of the time when I was living at home my drinking was very controlled because I knew that I would be dead meat if I ever came home drunk! And I proceeded to control it from then on until I'd get into one of my "I don't give a damn" moods and just didn't care! Those times were helped along by the fact that I could drink most males under the table before I ever got to that stage! I thought that was really cool which also helped me to drink more and which, in turn, drowned my inhibitions so it was easy for me to make an ass out of myself! (I was also told that 'controlling' my drinking and my thinking wasn't 'normal' behavior!!!)
After I'd been going to open meetings for several months and had been told time and again that I sure sounded like I was at least a potential alcoholic, I sat down on and prayed to God for 2 straight hours to tell me if I was or if I wasn't an alcoholic. He gave me the wrong answer and said, "Yes." So I proceeded to cry for 2 straight hours after that! Funny thing was that when I told my sponsor, who was AA, and some friends of mine in AA about it after the crying subsided, they weren't at all surprised!!! She had me say, "Hi I'm Barbara and I'm alcoholic to her over and over again on the phone. Finally I said, "Hi I'm Barbara and I'm alcoholic. And I don't like it!!!" She laughed and said that is what I should say the first time that I introduced myself because that was real and the truth!!
That same night when I took a friend to an AA meeting on an Indian Reservation to get his 10 month chip, (because they gave out monthly chips as well there), he convinced me that I should also pick up a one year chip because he knew that I hadn't had a drink since the preceding December! I was scared to death! Not only was I going to get a one year chip, but this was going to be the first time that I had ever said that I was alcoholic in front of people because this was the first day that I realized that I was! Then when my turn came to get the chip, after 2 other one year chips were handed out, they ran out of chips!!! I was ready to bolt and thought that God had played a cruel trick on me! But I couldn't go any where without my purse and car keys and they weren't near me! (My friend said he thought that I was going to freak out completely!) I kept saying that "This isn't a good sign!" over and over and she kept apologizing to me for running out of chips! So she gave me chips 1-11 months to hold me until the following Tuesday when I was told to come back and they'd have a one year chip for me. (In fact a Viet Nam Vet who'd been in the program since before chips said that he'd give me his one year chip at that time and he did! It's one of the first ones ever made and is very special to me.) When I spoke after receiving all 11 chips and told them the story of my day, every one in the room went, "Ohhhhh!" They had actually understood why I kept saying that "this isn't a good sign!"
I've continued to go to AA to keep me semi-sane, help me learn how to really live, help me to grow, and help me to make friends and get along with the people in this world as well as not drink. Thank God that there's more to AA besides just not drinking! Because I wouldn't be any better and my life wouldn't be any better and I wouldn't be able to handle situations at all if I weren't being taught how to actually live life correctly for a change!!!!
God even makes sure that I keep on believing and knowing that I am alcoholic so I won't go back out to test the waters to see if I'm still able to 'control' my drinking by giving me drinking dreams every so often when my spirituality is off center! Usually I don't drink in them, just run from it. But in the last two that I have had when I was severely stressed out and my spiritually was about to file bankruptcy, I actually drank! Those two scared me to death because they felt so real when I woke up and I was so ashamed of what I'd done in the dreams!--- He really does work in mysterious and weird and even frightening ways in my life at times!!! But it keeps me sober and keeps me coming back for more of what works---AA!!!
Just keep on doing the next right thing as you know in your heart and soul and mind that God would want you to do and you'll be able to go through hell and still come out on the other side sober, serene, and, at least, semi-sane!!! I have and I'm still here to tell about it! However, I'm now disabled due to severe degenerative arthritis in both of my knees brought about in part by my ex-husband's abuse. I live alone with pain on a consistent basis every day of my life and I'm still having to learn to accept and come to terms with the limitations that I now have. So I know how depressing it can be to feel useless and hopeless at times. I try to look at it this way; there are only 3 sure things in this life.
1. If I'm alive, I'll get older. 2. One day I'll die. 3. In between those times things are going to change. My task is to do my best to change for the better and behave as I feel God would want me to behave.So I try to continue to do the next 'right' thing as outlined in AA and in His Commandments. In other words, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."
Take care. Keep your hopes, dreams, and wishes alive and they'll help to keep you alive!
Loving hugs, peace, and prayers, Barb