Dermot's story ...
I am an alcoholic and my name is Dermot. I feel free telling people that I am an alcoholic today if I believe it could help them because I know now that alcoholism is a disease not a moral issue or a result of weak will power. When I take a drink my personality changes and I can't always guarantee my behaviour. Once I have the first drink I also have very little defence over the insatiable desire to continue drinking.
As a child there was always alcohol in our house and my father would regularly get drunk and come home and world war III would erupt. I used to beg him not to go to the pub and he would swear that he wouldn't but the cycle kept repeating. My mother used to say that he wasn't a bad man but was a sick man. I never wanted to be like him when I grew up.
I always felt very awkward and out of place, but alcohol always made me feel good about myself and gave me something that I was good at. I used to boast to my school friends about how much I could drink.
I don't know how old I was when I first got drunk but I had the first of many blackouts at fourteen. By fifteen I was regularly getting drunk and started smoking marijuana. By the time I was sixteen I was the one hanging out of the window of my friend's cars vomiting, or lying on the lawn outside some party unconscious. I couldn't talk to girls sober and by the time I had enough to drink to feel confident enough to talk to them I was drunk and would just embarrass myself. While I always felt that there was something wrong with me, by seventeen I started to wonder if there was something wrong with my drinking.
The next four years were very dark and lonely. At the few parties that I went to I would leave the party and end up wandering about the streets. I could be in a room full of people and just want the floor to swallow me up. I couldn't stand being around people but at the same time I didn't want to be by myself.
At 21, I had a rather heavy binge involving 4 litres of cask port and 15 pseudo ephedrine tablets. After I got home I vomited and started to shake and rattle and I realised that this behaviour wasn't normal and I wanted to do something about it. I enrolled in a course at a non-residential rehab centre but the course I chose was on the effect of another's drinking on my life. I was focusing on my fathers drinking and not my own. The course required that all participants remain alcohol and drug free - I managed to stay off the grog for 3 weeks but still smoked pot. It was suggested to me by those running the course that I should look at my own usage before I consider anyone else's. However, by that stage the rattles had left me and I was no longer ready.
Six months later, I was back studying at university and I was failing (yet again). I was at my lowest ebb, the loneliness was insurmountable and I had had enough. I had a moment of clarity when I realised that my drinking and drugging were costing me more than I had ever admitted before and again I wanted to change. I re-enrolled in the rehab course, but this time as a dependant user. I also sought special permission to withdraw from university without failing. While at the rehab course I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).
At my first AA meeting I truly identified with all the speakers. I was only 22 and was the youngest in the meeting by 13 years. Yet the feelings I had of being different and alone left me while I was there. There were many things that the others had done that I hadn't but I still felt that I belonged. I was a little embarrassed by the fact that my story didn't compare with some of the others' of drinking first thing in the morning and halfway houses, but the guy who brought me to that meeting explained that it's not what we've done or how much we've drunk but what we've become that unites us. The simple fact that I wanted to be free of alcohol and identified with the feelings and thoughts of other members meant that I belonged. I have since met many people who share similar aspects of my history.
I have been coming to AA for over 15 years and although I am often far from perfect at practicing the program of AA, my life has improved beyond my wildest dreams. In the depths of my darkness I used to dream of riches and power but now I have peace of mind instead. I have a very loving and beautiful family and my relationship with my mother and siblings is better that I could have ever dreamt. Before my father died a few years ago I was able to hug him and tell him that I loved him and we had the best relationship that we could have had. I still get drawn away from the important things in life but going to meetings helps me to remember what is important and puts things back in perspective. I get the most perspective whenever I talk to a newcomer who is still suffering from the disease of alcoholism.
The program of AA involves the practice of the Twelve Steps. These are a program for living that helps the recovering alcoholic to repair his or her life and feel worthwhile and wanted, needed and loved. We talk about a 'Higher Power' and 'God As We Understand Him'. Most people can handle these concepts when they realise that they can choose their own definition of a "god" or "Higher Power". I have met people in AA from all sorts of religious backgrounds and also many with no religion at all.