Jo's
Story
I was able to 'escape' work early today, have had
my obligatory "nanna-nap" and now am just dealing with the heat. It
is stifling over here this week: "airless" and "muggy". The
heat was (once upon a time) dry in Perth, and temps over 36 were "ok".
Not so now, as a humidity akin to Melbourne's has become more the norm than the
exception. What have we done to this planet of ours?
The "nanna-nap"
ritual is due to me being a very early riser: about 4.30-5am even on non-work
days is unavoidable as my cerebral time clock goes "boing" and sets
off the internal "full-bladder alarm". In order for me to vaguely resemble
"functioning" after about 8pm, I just gotta have a "nanna-nap"
in the arvo. Hmm...methinks ageing (at 46 years old!!) is happening without consulting
me...where's my copy of that application form I completed just before my birth?
Hey, it was just great to get a reply from you to my xmas card - thank
you. As I wrote in the card, it has been a long journey to get to the point where
I felt confident reaching out to you again.
I forget which year I last
met up with you and ?had dinner? I have lost much memory within the years early
1995 - early 2000, perhaps thankfully, and certainly time-frames/sequencing has
been distorted immensely. It seems that the inability to accurately monitor my
alcohol consumption had escalated during 1995: I knew "something" was
wrong, but as with most alcoholics, couldn't see that it was the desparate drive
to drink in order to survive each day that was the problem. I truly thought that
it was helping me cope day-to-day, and in a way it did. The "head tapes"
re-living each day and each yester-day and each yester-year would not stop: not
"voices" nor any other actual psychosis, just speeding comets of thoughts
with tails of emotions that trailed the whole day and evening and night. Nearly
drove me mad and the only thing that would shut the tapes down was alcohol. I
tried head doctors and body doctors: antidepressants made no difference, there
was no "hidden past" that I could point to and say "that's who/what
started my plight". I could absolutely not go one day without a drink - "just
don't drink" is the dumbest thing anyone can say to an alcoholic who cannot
cope with the mind-bending, nerve-wired, muscle-screaming "have to have a
drink" despite not really wanting to. And when I drank, I promised myself
I would only have "one or two" and often ended up not being able to
stop - a definite "what the hell" attitude! Mind you, there were many
mornings when I was less than "crisp", and I'd decide at 7am that "I
won't drink tonight"...but then I would because "it would be different
this time". Mental obsession and physical compulsion - beyond any sane reason
- and total denial of the lunacy of the whole deal.
Eventually the alcohol
didn't work consistently: the "head tapes" blared louder and my tolerance
for alcohol had changed. Sometimes I would pass out after "just a few"
and sometimes it would take "just a dozen". By the end of 1995 I had
been admitted to detox twice (have no recollection of how I got there) and early
1996 saw me in RPH psych ward after a pretty fair try at "exiting life as
we know it". I have no recollection of the week in the psych ward, though
Karen (apparently) visited me daily and has since provided me with information
that, as a nurse, I know I was extremely ill mentally. Just prior to this I was
nabbed for DUI at 0930 hrs reading 0.23%: I could have killed someone and more
than likely not remembered doing it. Blackouts are for real. Somehow I managed
to get another full time job which lasted a few years, survived withdrawal seizures,
got another job, got pissed off with that employer...got another job, survived
DT's...got pissed off with that employer, survived bleeding from both ends...and
so it went on. Interestingly, I always seemed to do very well at these jobs as
my employers and colleagues did not wish me to go per se. On the other hand, I
did not relate well to those in direct hierarchy and was a calculating, sarcastic,
very clever bitch at times (always fighting for the underdog and patient/resident/family).
You see, I perceived that it was always someone else's fault, never mine: the
"if only..." syndrome of total denial that I was unable to cope with
life in general.
My perception of the world had become very distorted
and I could not see that I was the one who had a problem. Anxiety attacks inside
the house or in the middle of supermarkets, fear of answering the phone or door,
fear of walking to the letter box yet being able to get in the car to drive to
the pub or to work, not caring if I ate or tidied the house (though the cat was
always well fed and cared for)...yeah, nothing wrong with me...so bugger off!
Even accepting finally in early 2000 that I was entering a stage of having
a degree of alcohol-toxicity and resultant brain damage (auditory hallucinations
in the form of music) and being prescribed a psych drug did not stop me drinking
though it did slow the psychosis advancing. I had been (finally) honest with my
GP, and to her credit she did her best to induce me to attend AA. I did not know
anything about AA (other than it meant that I was a derelict who had no backbone
or will-power or common sense) nor that alcoholism was a disease. I had finally
got her to put me on Antabuse so that, with the knowledge that if I drank whilst
taking this medication, I could suffer a cardiac arrest. So: 7 months of no-drinking,
then a short bust with a fairly mild reaction (very lucky woman that I am), then
another 4 months of no-drinking...and totally fucking wired. I would not wish
this hell on another living human being. If nothing else is able to convince me
that this is a disease primarily of the mind, and that "just" stopping
alcohol consumption is quite simply not the answer, then this tortured 11 months
memory was worth it.
Lots else happened, but that is the central theme.
I started to attend (very reluctantly at first) AA meetings in about June 2000,
and the "ah ha" moment happened on 20 August 2000 (hungover and waiting
for the midday opening of the local bottle-shop!). I could see SO clearly the
insanity of this merry-go-round, how my physiology just doesn't process alcohol
like the majority 95% of the population, and that I could stop via the 12 Steps
like others had done - one day at a time. And I did. And I still live ODAAT via
the Steps and attend meetings and work with newcomers and now visit the detox
centre (to share my journey/story) as part of the roster we have here. I am visiting
the detox centre with another member tonight. Whatever the outcome for those "inmates"
who look "just like I did" (bewildered, beligerant, angry, sullen, guilt/remorse
ridden - you name it)... whatever they choose to "do" with the information
they hear from us, I always come away SO grateful that I latched onto the solution.
I guess the main miracle for me, apart from not having that "have
to have a drink" screaming inside, is that I perceive the world sanely now
and I finally "fit" in a way that I have not ever been able to do. Even
my memories from the age of about 4 years old demonstrate the "ism's"
of this disease. InSideMe was totally disconnected from others, yet I played a
brilliant "game" of looking/acting/sounding like I did. Now I live,
I don't have to survive. 'Tis a very good life I have.
Work? Well, I started
up a new ward at a local major hosp last year - a brand new project and it became
the benchmark for the state. After 17 months there (the ward is still going very
well) I got poached to join another organisation in Oct this year and start up
the state site for a national pilot related to Aged Care. Not boasting - I can
simply now get on with what I do well.
The "Bloke" in my life
is also an ex-drunk, who I met in AA. I have finally found "me" and
the bonus of finding a "soul mate" is a source of joy and serenity.
This
is my left ankle tattoo: a reminder to cultivate "patience and tolerance"
! Do you recall the Kung Fu series with David Carradine, in which he played the
wandering monk who would sit with his master at the end of each show, and be advised
"Patience, Grasshopper"?
Anyway...a long and rambling email...have
a splendiferous xmas/new year and bring me up to date with "you and yours".
Love&hugs...
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