Pauline's story ...
I am Pauline and I am a recovering alcoholic addict. Clean and sober today thanks to the Grace of God, as I don't pretend to understand, AA and the 12 Steps of Recovery.
I first "joined" AA in November, 1981, having previously looked at a couple of meetings a year or two earlier, and deciding that this was some "Crank Yank" religious thing and that I would try and do it on my own. I remember saying that to my Mum - I thought I was too young, and I did not need all that God stuff - after all, I was raised a Catholic, so I already knew all of that stuff. AA seemed to go against my religion! I did not see at the time that I had not been a good Catholic or anything else for a number of years, but I was very doctrinated through my schooling, and anything other than Catholic seemed very wrong to me.
So after my initial intro to AA (about 1979 - following a suicide attempt - I was 21), I didn't think I needed AA, and that I could do it on my own. My alcoholism was very apparent - right from my first drink. I am one of those who does not subscribe to the notion of "social drinking" - never have, never will. I was about 12 and my first drunk was on vanilla essence - this soon became my all time favourite - easy to get, and you didn't need much of it. From my first hit, I drank almost every day, before, during and after school. I still do not know how I managed to get through High School, but I did. I guess we are an intelligent lot - I was only ever "half there" during those years, but managed to get through quite well!
I stayed sober (or at least abstinent from alcohol) from November, 1981 until late 1988. I did one of the major "don't do's" when I first came in... I linked up with another alkie (he had about 2 years up at the time), and married him one month before my first AA birthday!!! I gotta say right here , it wasn't all bad - I did lots of meetings, lots of AA Service, had a good job, we travelled, did Conventions (did anyone go to Armidale in 1982???), and had a gorgeous daughter who is now almost 14. But I did not grow and change - in fact my first AA birthday saw me in hospital having had a back operation, and I recall REALLY liking the drugs they were giving me. Over the next few years I had a couple of bowel obstructions and surgery, and again I recall REALLY liking the narcotics they were giving me.
Then I got pregnant, and was emotionally abandoned by my husband. I really needed something for the pain - I chose benzos and as many narcotics as I could lay my hands on. But I didn't drink - so I was okay. (NOT). I also recall being given some advice by some poor girl at one of my very early meetings that was - "If you can't cope, smoke dope!" - I knew that was not right, but I filed it in my mind under "Some other time". That time did come, and although I have never been addicted to that stuff, I did use it from time to time.
Anyway, to cut a really long story short, (and for the purpose of ID), I picked up a drink just after my 7th AA birthday - it was vanilla essence again. I was going absolutely nuts and was put in a psyche ward. There I started to drink mouthwash (I had heard about people drinking it in AA) and really started getting stuck into more pethidine and other pills. Another "yet" was to start drinking aftershave (please don't come near me if you're wearing "Vorago") and I also developed a taste for metho, but couldn't handle the intense hangovers from that stuff!!! I also lost my licence in 1993 for DUI - I couldn't drive a car when I first came to AA. The next 8 years were pure hell on earth - a body full of drugs and alcohol and a mind full of AA. I stayed married and we had another beautiful daughter ( just turned 5).
I left the marriage at the end of 1995 - and tried to pick up the pieces of my life. But I sarted drinking again - this time I was on my own, but still did all the alkie things - like hiding the grog in the washing machine (with ice), telling my elder daughter that a bottle of scotch was furniture cleaner, hiding my green cans of beer in the crisper amongst the lettuces etc. Eventually, I got back to AA in September, 1996, and I have not had a drink since, but I had a bust on Serepax in March last year which all but killed me. Thankfully, I was doing meetings and it was obvious to some very "awakened" women in this fellowship that all was not well with Pauline. Today I see these women (one of whom is now my sponsor) as Angels sent by God - they took care of and loved my girls, sent me to detox and rehab, took care of my finances and my menagerie of cats, liaised with my family and loved me so unconditionally that I still get teary when I think of it.
I have just celebrated yet another "1st" AA birthday - on 21st March. This one was really special though. With the love and guidance of the "sponsor from heaven", I have been taken through the Big Book "Alcoholics Anonymous", and have done all the Steps in the original form, including 1, 2 and 3, my fourth and fifth, and have now seen for the first time what this is all about. I am so blessed and so lucky to have survived this long to finally understand!!! I had been a bit of a Big Book Basher over the years, and really did not think it necessary for me to "do that stuff". What I see today though is that I was looking for easier, softer ways, and I would not let go absolutely of all my ideas. The result was nil - not even half sobriety - nothing. Until I let go absolutely. I hit my rock bottom on pills - but as physical as it was, it was a very spiritual rock bottom also. I JUST KNEW I HAD TO DO WHAT EVER HAD TO BE DONE - and that included doing the Steps properly. I had always thought it was okay for my to do them on my own, my own "interpretation", but I had no idea that the "original prescription", was really the way to go.
I have been awakened to so much in the last few months - I am surprised. When I thought I knew a lot about AA, it turns out I KNEW NOTHING!!!! Nothing about the mental obsession, nothing about the problem and the solution. I really believe today, that although a great deal has changed since that book was written, two things remain the same - the problem (my alcoholism) and the solution (AA and the 12 Steps)!!! I am so grateful for this ongoing awakening into reality via the Programme of AA - it is just so wonderful - I love to love others and today am even a little bit capable of receiving love. It's fantastic.
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