Richard's story....
Like many people I hear sharing, I too always felt different as a kid, full of fear and always alone, shy and too aware of everything in the world. I often remember not actually feeling like a kid, but an adult trapped in a kid's body. My family was disfunctional, mainly due to my father's strong influence, who I now know to be an un-diagnosed alcoholic. I was the youngest of 4 kids so life was destined to be a little topsy turvey. I remember taking swigs of wine etc fom the kitchen cooking cupboard early on, and then quickly taking another one or two, or just maybe three due to the first one not being enough. Generally things went reasonably smoothly until I found some freedom and a lot of Bundy Rum at 16. I drank then to blackout and funnily enough never touched Bundy again till almost a year ago - but I certainly tried everything else.
Alcohol gave me that indestructable feeling; self-confidence and egocentricity. Life then seemed too good! Late teens, at University, I started dabbling with pot as well. Drinking was a big part of my life then and as far as I was concerned, socially acceptable at any level. My parents had disowned me, as they had done with all of my siblings, due to us not meeting my father's standards. Consequently I was free to experiment with everything in life I wanted. I loved drugs too and by my early twenties I had thrown in Uni and had taken up full time drug dealing, mainly pot at first, then acid, ecstacy and amphetamines. I married during this time after being with this lady since I was 18, but I now see I married to keep her. My wife grew out of self-abuse, as many young people do, but I could never understand this. I wanted to keep living the partying lifestyle until I died, as far as I was concerned! The middle of 94' my marriage broke up and I quit the one real job I had ever had - even though my bosses didn't want me to go. I went on a wild bender of self pity for around 4 months, most of which I don't remember. In fact the whole period from 18-23 was filled with geographing all over the country and Western Australia, with excessive hard drug and alcohol abuse.
Between the ages of 23 and 26 I started realizing something was different with me, and after being introduced to rockclimbing - which I instantly loved and was a natural at - I managed to balance my intake of alcohol and illicit drugs. Sport became my inroads to self-worth and was important to me. I even put women 'on hold' relationship wise and regretfully broke alot of hearts along the way with my selfish actions. I've always been an on or off character with no in between - in love, play, war - everything! I spent alot of time travelling overseas between 25-26, climbing in locations in Thailand and Canada! I even found God at the age of 26. All seemed well!! Then it happened! - I fell in love with a Canadian Girl! It was an amazing romance spanning three continents but when it ended, in vain after all the praying I had done, I attempted suicide through a bottle of scotch - my favourite drink - and a bottle of pills. Somehow through the Grace of God I survived but things had only just began to get worse.
Mid 1999 I helped one of my ex-bosses open an Outdoors/Adventure store in Bunbury, WA - I thought this was an answer to all my dreams in the outdoors. I could have money, power, prestige and be able to spend time in the outdoors with like minded people. It started off well but, like so many of my ventures, it ended in disaster. The constant cash flow (and everything) really went to my head and within months I was on various cocktails of alcohol, sedatives, E's, and crystal meth daily - not to mention the women (sorry ladies). Here comes the scary bit.... A lady I was seeing fell pregnant which added even more stress to my life. I had no living skills as it was, let alone that of being a father, so I decided to go away to Thailand again for a one month break. While there I spent my time on Thai whiskey and Valium as well as managed to climb and not die. Just before I returned I stood on some coral leaving me with a nasty case of coral infection turning my holiday into a bit of a nightmare. On returnring home to my new girlfriend I was shocked to find out she was pregnant too! That relationship obviously didn't last long and with not being able to stand on my foot, not do business, I began to drink and drug in excessive quantites.
At this stage everyone started to see me for who I was and abandoned me - except for one very foolish lady. I must be over fertile or just unlucky because within a month of more complete insanity she was pregnant too (yes 3!! - not a good situation). By June 2000 I was stark raving mad and withdrew a large sum of my partner's and my money out of the bank and dissapeared overseas. The rest is history really!! I got locked out of my buisness and even then I believed it was the drugs - not alcohol. Even after two stints in detox at Bridge House it took me 9 months of just drinking and smoking a little hooch to be introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. An amazing revelation happened! For me an answer to 28 years of pain and misery. It took me only 3 weeks to have my spiritual awakening - by the Grace of God only.
I consider myself to be exceptionally lucky to be alive and have this Fellowship and these Steps to put into my life - 24 hours at a time. I have a wonderful home group in Perth, but NZ in early August to continue my dream of living an outdoor life amongst the mountains. This too is a miracle! I'm even happy today to be an alcoholic and understand, through my sponsor of 29 years sobe,r that it is a blessing - and I have special gifts because of my alcoholism that will allow my life to be rich with spirituality and rewarding.
He gave me a saying which I would like to leave as a thought which sums it all up for me ..
Since everything in life is but an experience
Perfect in being what it is
Having nothing to do with good or bad,
Acceptance or rejection,
One may well burst out in laughter.Long Chen Pa 700 B.C
It's only early days for me and I must remember to not be too hard on myself. First things first. I'm even starting to realise I'm not too bad a guy after all.
Take care and God Bless
Love Richard
(written at 71 days sober)