Tina's story...
In the middle of April last year I reached my rock bottom. I reached the place that many alcoholics know so well. Where I could not live with my drinking and I felt I could not live without it. I knew a loneliness and despair that was beyond my comprehension. I had tried AA through a rehab before and was told I needed to attend meetings in order to stay sober. This was a seeming impossibility for me due to my finances, location and job. I never questioned the authority of that statement and used that as an excuse to progress in my disease. Believe me I had a number of excuses to continue drinking .
By April I was so sick and disgusted with my self that after drinking a 750ml bottle of bourbon I downed a bottle of sleeping pills and just to finish myself off I opened another bottle of bourbon. Somehow (it's all a bit foggy as you may guess) I ended up in hospital, but not without becoming abusive and not without police involvement. I had my own private "Mr Plod" outside my room as they pumped me with charcoal as I waited to be flown out to Graylands Mental Institution in Perth. I never thought I'd get that bad. My husband had moved out long before this and good riddance 'cause we always ended up arguing about how much I drank, but now my job (which I love) was on the line as well. I realised I couldn't go on drinking like this, the week preceding my hospital admission saw me drinking a bottle of bourbon a day for a week.
I was always so productive with my time off work. Ha! I convinced the shrinks and, more importantly, myself that I was an alcoholic and needed to be in a rehabilitation centre and they organised my 2nd admission to Rosella House in Geraldton. I cried a lot in the first week I couldn't envision a life without alcohol. I just wanted to die. I prayed then and all my prayers consisted of were two desperate words "HELP ME" I took off from there. Now I can pray to my HP with prayers of thanks. I am truly thankful for many things. I am thankful to an AA member in Geraldton who told me that "All you need to have for a meeting is yourself, the Big Book, and the Higher Power, everything else is a bonus". Most encouraging advice for someone in a remote area!!
Through AA I am teaching myself discipline. I have several books I read first thing in the morning. This only takes me 15 minutes, but the contained "thoughts for the day" tend to put my mind on track. I tend to concentrate on all the things I have that I am grateful for. In the beginning I was grateful for having struggled through a day without a drink. These days I am grateful for getting through the day without "needing/wanting a drink. I don't seem to have that overwelming compulsion to do so, as it was in the beginning. Sometimes I just have a thought, like on a hot day I might think, "Gee it would be nice to have a beer" I know this can be dangerous to toy with such an idea. So I'm grateful for the above experience of going to Graylands because every time I have gotten that thought I replay everything that happenned step by step. That day just started with me wanting "just one drink".
I have taken advice from many AAs on how to stay sober and I banned alcohol from my house in case I was tempted and also stopped attending parties and pubs. Last month, after 8mths, I attended my first gathering with alcohol,.the family christmas party in Perth. I prayed a lot before going. I was thankfully not pressured to drink. There were actually quite a few sober people amongst the forty or so that were there and that made it easier. I also attended a "going away party" last night. It surprised me that sober people actually attend "piss-ups" I never noticed that before...........Grateful I was to enjoy myself and not yearn to be part of the drinking crowd. My husband and I left early around 10.30pm with all the other interesting tee-totallers. I could not have felt comfortable or secure in my sobriety a few months ago and I am glad I stayed away till then.
I'm back with my husband and this was an impossibility when I was drinking. We have our ups and downs but I always have prayer and my HP. I never prayed to get him back I just prayed for the knowledge of His Will. It sort of evolved from there. I didn't really care whether I got him back or not, I even stopped caring whether I got my job back or not and that was on the line for 8 weeks into my sobriety. I know that whatever happens, happens for a reason. I have faith that "It will all work out a day at a time" as long as I don't take that first drink. That is all I really cared about. Nothing else could be achieved if I didn't achieve that anyway. So it started off as my number one priority and it still is.
The Big Book is also a source of comfort and expert counsel. The promises outlined on pgs.83 and 84 give me hope and I have faith in the fellowship. It taught me how to deal with resentments pg.64 and many other things. I read the Big Book like a person who reads a bible. I read it as truth and I believe any suggestions will work if I work them. I actually started reading the Big Book and taking notes!!! I knew I was not doing something right so started listing all the things that was suggested that I wasn't doing... ie prayer, keeping in contact (by phone) changing people places things etc.....and started doing them.. So far so good. God is actually doing for me what I could not do for myself.
Although I get lonely on my own I don't dwell on it but I certainly appreciate AA fellowship whenever possible. I thankfully have visitors to Carnarvon from the fellowship that look me up on their travels and I appreciate the AA meetings I can attend. When I was down in Perth I attended two meeting in the week I was there The Carlisle Group and the Bassendean Steps group - both felt like home. I am interested to listen to how other people work their program and what works for them.
A man shared at the meeting in Perth and stated he had started a gratitude list and was up to #464 (or whatever!). He said he always looks at his list when he feels down in the dumps and adds to it whenever he can. I have a book ready but have put it off as usual. This is getting to be a book on its own but I thought some members may benefit from my experience. That's life, No stressing No tantrums. Just cultivating a healthy attitude of acceptance. It was not always this way.. God bless you all
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