Traveller's tale...

I was born in England and as a kid I always felt out of step with the world. I believe that I was born with the pre-disposition to be an alcoholic; it was just waiting for the right set of circumstances to get me going. I don't remember getting into trouble with alcohol in my teens, although I have been told I drank more than the other girls (I drank like the boys). When I was 20 I went to work in Germany, for the American Army, and I think I crossed the line to alcoholic drinking in that first week. There was a lot of partying, music - this was the '60's - we'd never had it so good! We were in a wine growing area and every few weeks there were dozens of good reasons to binge drink. The Fasching season arrived and the whole population seemed to stay drunk for the last two weeks, going to work in fancy dress from the night before, drinking gallons of wine & beer and anything else as well. Travelling round the country and getting stuck into Oktoberfest with a gusto! Oh boy - I knew that a lot of the stuff we were doing was dangerous but, hell, it was fun!

The worst thing that could happen to a girl back then was to get pregnant, or so it seemed when I went home to my parents that Christmas and told them I was 3 months gone and the father of my child was a student who had returned to his home, behind the Iron Curtain. After much anguish, tears, shame, hiding in another town, my daughter was born and I felt I had no choice but to give her up for adoption.

After a while I moved to London and tried to live a normal life but I guess I had even more reasons to feel out of step now. Keeping secrets!! Three years later I met a guy from my home town and we decided to get married and see the world. We started our life together in Kenya. My alcoholic drinking resurfaced. Every time I drank I always drank too much. We both felt on the outer, didn't quite know how to fit in. We loved the country and going on safari almost every weekend with our VW beetle and a tiny tent. Our first son was born 21/2 yrs later. Then we moved to Bahrain in the Persian Gulf. Life was quite different. Terribly hot and humid, coping with a 2 yr old, feeling totally inadequate and the liquor stores sold this wonderful Australian wine in 4 litre casks. Yess!! A trip out to the supermarket at 9am, in 115 deg F heat, 95% humidity, 2yr old in tow, certainly a just reward was a squirt or 3 out of that delicious cask.  It was no surprise that I was quite drunk by lunchtime but everything closed down for 3 hrs then and everyone would have a sleep after lunch. Sometimes I could barely wake up. A move to the mainland, to the United Arab Emirates saw a few changes. I tried not to drink in the mornings there. We had another baby 7 months after arriving there. Our second son was born. Each time I had been pregnant I had not been able to drink or smoke. It was like going to a health farm for me. I often thought it would be great to be able to isolate the chemical which caused this radical change in me when I was pregnant... I thought if I was ever to stop drinking I would have to have an injection of this substance!!

As time went by our marriage was drifting onto the rocks and neither of us would face up to it. I was using alcohol as an anaesthetic and it worked very well. It was a pity that it also got me drunk and incapable in public places!! He would plead with me not to drink so much. I didn't understand it then but now I know I had long since lost the choice. I simply HAD TO DRINK. I couldn't see any other way of getting through social or domestic situations.

When the work finished in the Middle East I badly wanted to settle down somewhere (not England - too cold, too wet) so we headed for Australia. I absolutely loved it here right away - he hated it. Eventually he went back overseas to work and I stayed home with my two little boys and nested and drank and drank and drank. I drank until I dropped every night. I'd wake up, often on the floor, slug down 2 or 3 more glasses and fall into bed. All I could think about was this drink and the next one. I never thought about the morning and how I would inevitably feel. YUK! I had a few friends who liked to drink the way I did and we would get together in each other's houses and have "a good time" so we thought. I didn't go out to drink very often. Life was a kind of hell and very scary. I was using alcohol as an anaesthetic, again to kill the pain of being me. I knew I was losing my mind, killing brain cells, short term memory shot to bits. I was also losing control of my body and this was terrifying.

I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous by a friend who drip-fed me the information over a two year period that it was possible to be a rotten drunk, go to AA, stop drinking and learn to live a completely different, good life - and be happy about it! He never once told me to go to AA. He never once said "don't you think you drink too much?" Never. He just told me his story and waited. Eventually I had had enough and he organised for me to be taken to my first meeting and, most amazingly, I was 3 days sober at the time. This was in mid July 1986 and I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink since and that is a miracle. I have choices today and I am very grateful. I love AA and the people in it. I have a relationship with my Higher Power today and that is wonderful. I try to take the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions off the wall and put them into my life on a daily basis and to live my life one day at a time.

At 10 yrs sober I was able to start the search for my long lost daughter. I found her after an 11 month search. We had our first meeting, our reunion, after 21/2 years of writing to each other by snail mail, fax and then e-mail and ICQ.  She and her new husband live on the exact opposite side of the world but I know, if I stay sober and do the best I can, one day at a time, everything will fall into place. At the time of writing this my newly pregnant daughter and her husband have just spent a three week holiday with me... the first time they have visited Australia... met her brothers, uncle and grandparents. It was amazing and I am so grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous.  With the wonderful support of the Fellowship, the 12 Step Program and a Higher Power of my own understanding, I am starting to live the life I have always wanted.

Thanks..  

 

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