I Am The Very Model of a Modern-Day Sherlockian

by Craig Hilton
 
I am the very model of a  modern-day Sherlockian,
I rank Sir Arthur Conan Doyle with Asimov and Tolkien,
I’m versed in all the works, both imitative and canonical,
Through setting each to memory by strategies mnemonical;
I hold the view from Reichenbach of Holmes’s spark unstoppable,
Believe in all remaining things, no matter how improbable,
I’ll proudly tell you how to pace the ritual Musgravian,
And why you get a limp from being shot in the subclavian.
 
(And why you get a limp from being shot in the subclavian.
And why you get a limp from being shot in the subclavian.
And why you get a limp from being shot in the subclavi-avian.)
 
I ponder ev’ry problem with didactic objectivity,
And pass remarks upon nocturnal canine inactivity;
In differentiating Doctors Watson from Kevorkian,
I am the very model of a modern-day Sherlockian.
 
(In differentiating Doctors Watson from Kevorkian,
He is the very model of a modern-day Sherlockian.)
 
I take an active rôle in all the clubs in my locality,
And correspond abroad to prove my internationality;
I’m known in all the journals from Zimbabwe to America,
I revel in ephemeral eclectic esoterica.
I gather ev’ry miniature, no matter what each new one be,
I’ve trod the length of Baker Street to photograph two-two-one B,
About binomial theorem I’d rival with Professor M,
And never joke that Holmes and Watson liked a spot of S and M.
 
(He never jokes that Holmes and Watson liked a spot of S and M,
He never jokes that Holmes and Watson liked a spot of S and M,
He never jokes that Holmes and Watson liked a spot of S and S and M.)
 
As demonstrated often by my viewing on the pictured screen
The Doggie of the Baskervilles, with Nigel Bruce and Richard Greene
And starring Basil Rathbone, which is perfectly Hitchcockian,
I am the very model of a modern day Sherlockian.
 
(Yes, starring Basil Rathbone, which is perfectly Hitchcockian,
He is the very model of a modern day Sherlockian.)
 
I’ve comprehensive logs of his adventures on the radio,
I’ve ev’ry version electronic, audio and video,
I’ll pen for  you a listing of each episode historical
From gramophone to internet in order categorical.
I own a set of coffee mugs and heaps of colour photographs
Of Messrs Brett and Hardwicke, all embellished with their autographs,
A natty first edition of the story with the aliens,
And half a crate of rather dreadful port from some Australians.
 
(And half a crate of rather dreadful port from some Australians.
And half a crate of rather dreadful port from some Australians.
And half a crate of rather dreadful port from some Australi-alians.)
 
I’ve playing cards and trading cards and greeting cards and annuals,
And toby jugs and teddy bears and catalogues and manuals -
And this all in a pokey room you couldn’t house a jockey in;
I am the very model of a modern-day Sherlockian.
 
(And this all in a pokey room you couldn’t house a jockey in;
He is the very model of a modern-day Sherlockian.)
 
Written with apologies and greatest respect for the memory of W. S. Gilbert

© 1997 Craig Hilton