Don't fuck up like that again!
Life is full of little problems. Most of them can safely be learnt and re-learnt, but sometimes, it's just not worth urinating on your own feet.
This guide is full of helpful tips that you can study so that you don't have to bother learning them yourselves.
1. Ferrets can not be kept safely in your underwear drawer.
Wearing small, aggressive creatures for underpants, although fun at first, can be not only dangerous for yourself but you may get a hefty fine from the RSPCA for poisoning your animal. Also, squealing in your groin region can be embarrassing. Just think back to the last time you were at a party and the awkward situation arose, "Your pants are squealing." Fun for your mates, bad for you. And don't try using the no fear generation as an excuse.
2. Always put the toilet seat either all the way up or all the way down before going to sleep.
When was the last time you remember actually going to the toilet at night? Never, but you know you do. Whether number ones or twos, a half cocked toilet seat will always cause problems. Life is not easy with feet that smell of urine and a toilet seat wedged up your arse. Not to mention the discomfort it causes the ferrets.
3. Goldfish do not make good breakfast.
It's very hard to tell when they are cooked, and they don't make good tasting toast. This problem might be overcome if you could find a toaster with a goldfish setting, but they are rare. You also need many to make a bowl full, and they're constant flopping about spills milk everywhere. I have solved this problem by taping them to the bowl, but this still make them difficult to eat.
4. Green vegetables do not make good replacements for golf clubs.
They just don't.
5. Waxing and buffing your feet will result in a bad time.
Although it may seem like a really cool idea to have shiny feet, the actual process of acheiving this can be painful. Also, it makes it a bastard to stand up in the kitchen. Slipping over in the kitchen because you have buffed and waxed your feet is the most common household accident and it is surprising that people continue to do this despite a concerted effort by the church and police to curb this habit.
6. You can not safely shift gears with your eye socket.
One of the fundamentals of driving is to watch the road. This cannot be acheived while pressing ones eye very hard onto the gear knob. I cut a hole in the floor of the car to try to help this, but it didn't work. However, the second hole I cut was under the gear stick and, although this did indeed allow me to see the road with amazing, adrenalin induced, clarity, I still ended up running into things.
7. You can not exist solely on Coke.
The bible insists that man was made from sand. This argument gained a great boost in the early morning of the 19th of August, 1968, when a young accountant, Albert Smythe, vibrated himself into a pile of granular bits after 17 consecutive days of existing solely on Coke. Although a cool party trick, vibrating to death is uncomfortable and makes resuscitation very difficult.
8. Anvils do not make for safe boating.
A small tribe in the depths of the Amazon are listed as one of the earliest users of heavy metals in their attempts to safely cross treacherous bodies of water. On dicovering that strapping cows together to make a raft in piranha infested waters was a bad idea, the tribe came across a small gift from their God, the anvil. Having not yet mastered the art of moulding metal, they relied on their spiritual guide to bring upon anvils which became holy artifacts. Once the resiliance of the anvil was confirmed, the young warriors of the tribe strapped some of them together and set off into the unknown seas to find new lands. They never returned.
The anvil has not changed greatly over time, and, as a result, haven't evolved into great sea-faring objects. The temptation to have some anvils on your luxury yacht in case of a cocktail party should also be resisted. Not only because of their poor floating performance and their ability to punch bloody great holes in the bottom of your boat, but because they also make astonishingly bad mixers.
The close cousin of the anvil, the crowbar, does not float.
9. Don't paint your house with rope.
This is a very messy and time consuming practice. I have attempted many different techniques, standing on the roof and whipping the rope down, standing on the ground and whipping the walls, draping the rope and dragging it, wrapping a camel in paint soaked rope and riding it head on into the wall....it just doesn't work. Try something more conventional like drinking the paint and vomiting it onto the walls. Although painful, this technique makes for an interesting pattern and will make a funny story to tell your friends.
10. Don't pat flaming dogs.
It's hard to resist a flaming puppy, it's big brown eyes, wagging tale and molten skin, but some dogs carry nasty viruses and have fleas, a discomfort for anyone. Do not under any circumstances allow the flaming dog into your house, even if he is cute and followed you all the way home, they are usually not housetrained and their dripping flesh can often make a mess of the carpet.
Flaming puppies also do not make very good gaurd dogs. Although intimidating to intruders, they don't last too long and can become very expensive, even if you do own a multinational corporation.
11. Don't use rubber hose to test hot bath water.
Hoses can't feel, they don't know how hot it is. You'll probably just burn yourself.
12. Don't invite dead relatives to parties.
Dead relatives are always more than fashionably late and will only cause you undue worry and stress. Even if they do turn up, they always leave a mess and never bring their own bourbon.
13. Do not bathe your electrical appliances.
Sure, it's dirty, it's been digging holes in the backyard, they've got fingerpaint and entrails all over themselves, that's no reason to wash your toaster. Washing the toaster while it's still plugged in and cooking toast just results in soggy toast, and who likes soggy toast? Nobody, that's who, so don't bother.
14. Don't plant explosives in your vegetable garden.
They make the carrots taste funny.
Landmines don't offer good protection against pesky invaders, like rampaging Mongol hoardes, but are alright if you like growing puree tomatoes.
15. Avoid submersing yourself in HydroChloric Acid.
Things don't grow in acid so snorkelling can be really boring. Oh....acid also eats all the skin off your bones. It can compromise the integrity of the seal on your expensive snorkelling mask. I hate that.
16. Don't use liquid nails as toothpaste.
It doesn't prevent gum disease. It can also be inconvenient when things get stuck to your teeth. No amount of flossing will get rid of that bookcase that's lodged itself and is just "pissing you off". Uncomfortable situations can also occur when friends think you're trying to steal the cutlery at their dinner party.
17. Investing in Broom/Mop mines should be avoided.
This is definately a bad investment. Brooms and mops aren't found underground...they grow in trees.
18. Steal the peanuts and cards from airliners, not wings and engines.
I discovered this in my first attempts to make a plane out of small bags of salted peanuts. It didn't fly. Encouraging similar design faults in large carrier airliners while in mid-flight may make for a bad return trip, though a funny black-box recording. Hence the pilot Joke " My God, the plane's turned into a giant peanut. "
19. Minimize the number of household chores performed with a chainsaw.
This can be very expensive and should be left to experienced lumberjacks.
20. Avoid explosive decompression.
After stuffing yourself into a pressure cooker and cooking yourself for several hours, remove the lid slowly to avoid explosive decompression. Explosive decompression is not covered under most types of household insurance.
Astronauts note : Spacesuits should always be worn outside, but only when in space. Neighbours may make fun of you if you are mowing your lawn in a large white suit with a bubble head.
Chefs note : Always knock before opening pressure cookers, especially if you're not sure where your apprentices are.
21. Be alert for low flying megaliths.
Sure, most megaliths don't fly, but those that do won't be getting very far off the ground so watch out. Whenever possible, wear a hard hat in any area highly populated by megaliths.
Be careful not to mis-identify your large flying objects. Mistaking a basolith for a megalith can be life threatening. Basoliths are great gobs of rock beneath the Earth's surface. If one is flying over you, start digging up. This may also solve that breathing problem you were having. If you have the ability to morph into a giant earthworm, now would be a good time to utilise this.
22. Do not laminate your head.
It's handy when it rains but there are some nasty side effects.
- It tastes funny when you poke your tongue out.
- You can't clean your ears.
- If you run it get's all fogged up.
- Sneezing.
- They don't come in bi-focal.
23. Don't eat nails.
Sometimes it can set off airport security alarms, ruining your holiday plans and causing much consternation for airport security.
High powered magnets can also become troublesome. There is nothing more stupid than a guy with a TV stuck to his stomach. Imagine the embarrassment as your breakfast is torn directly from your abdomen. This never happens with goldfish.
24. Avoid buying surgical bolt-cutters.
These handy implements, available only through home shopping channel, will not help on removing the titanium lining you put on the roof of your mouth to stop from burning it on hot food.
25. Do not coat the roof of your mouth with titanium.
It may seem like a good idea, but now you've wasted money on titanium and a handy pair of surgical bolt-cutters.
You may find yourself targeted by several of the worlds major military forces, mistaking you for a secret aircraft prototype.
26. Don't staple yourself to the chopping board.
Staples will rarely penetrate the thickness of a chopping board leaving you with a shabby stapling job and a really angry chopping board.
27. Don't keep your valuable documents in a sponge.
Sponges have a very bad reputation in the international community for their complete lack of morals. Never trust a sponge, they will sell your secrets to foreign governments who will then know exactly how much you have to pay on your water bill.
This common occurence has lead to the saying " We can't talk here, the sponges have ears."
28. Don't impersonate mountain ranges.
You may find yourself engaged in plate tectonics for the next few million years and will therefore be unable to attend those important functions you had lined up for the next while. Lionel Ritchie is not interested in mountain ranges.
29. Beer does not make good soap.
Unless you get a really nice malt, beer does not have the thickness to create a good lather. This lends beer to being a really good disinfectant. Fill your toilet with beer.
12482942. Don't let a three year old keep track of what number you are up to.
They're not good at it. Let them entertain themselves some other way, like hitting the dog with a mallet or setting fire to their bedroom.
31. Don't shop at the zoo.
You aren't allowed to buy the animals and there are only so many souvenir post cards you can eat before you seek variety.
32. Don't play hopscotch in the desert.
It's the desert. Wouldn't you rather be somewhere else?
33. Don't comb your hair with a bread knife.
Although good if you can't be bothered walking from the kitchen to the bathroom, the bread knife will tend to leave some permanent scarring and may cause people to be under the misconception that you have dandruff.
This can be solved by putting a comb in the kitchen, but that is messy and it doesn't cut the bread properly.
34. Don't hunt rhinoceros with a pen light.
The rhinoceros is an endangered species and it is not socially acceptable to hunt these great beasts. You won't impress anyone.
35. Make sure your house is built at ground level.
Foundations are very moody building materials. They like ground so leave them there. There is still no anti-venom for the bite of rabid concrete.
Whilst the advantages of an airborne home are immediately obvious, it is almost impossible to get your utilities connected and the toilet keeps backing up.
36. Water ski in water.
The boat will run better.
37. Don't leave your wilderbeast where some one can tread on it.
Somone might turn their ankle and you could be liable for damages.
Keep your wilderbeast in the cupboard, in a cool spot, and make sure that the area is clear of cockroaches.
38. Do not camp in lifts.
You can not make fires in lifts, it is cruel and unneccesary. Camp on a Great Dane instead.
39. Ensure your shoes are dead before you wear them.
There is nothing more embarrassing than having to fend off your new alligator skin boots while walking down the street. Even conventional leather attracts unwanted attention when it moos and eats grass.
Under no circumstances should you wear pythons.
40. Do not torture your pets.
This activity makes an unsightly mess of the house and soils appliances you would rather use differently.
41. Do not eat meals from a dumpster bin.
Dumpsters are typically quite large and this can result in overeating. They are neither microwave or dishwasher safe.
42. Avoid decapitation.
While a seperate head and body may seem handy for those "tricky to get to" jobs, a disembodied head is far easier to lose than one firmly attached to the rest of the body.
43. Do not inject rodents into your body.
When a mere youngster, I thought I could get an advantage in my football game by having a ripple effect on my arms to aid in my marking of the ball and tackling of opponents. I attempted to acheive this "grippy" effect by inserting small mice into my arm. However, the bumps were too large to be effective and the itch when they moved became mildly irritating.
Therefore, I suggest that future generations use the common slater, found in the yard. It is smaller and moves less.
Some bodybuilders persist in using rodents to perfect their body but sometimes wake up on cold mornings to find that their physique has escaped and eaten their breakfast (non-aquarian). Modern myth suggests that a merry piper will descend upon the 'Gladiators'(TM) and play a merry tune to drag them screaming into the pits of hell. This is a rather refreshing story for our youth in these days of horrors and war.
44. Do not invite sand dunes into your home.
While initially interesting as a dinner guest, the sand dune quickly becomes boring and shows itself to be uneducated in the complex world of social interaction. After a period of time, they will become less the reckless dune of the world with a nice spot just a stones throw from the ocean to just a pile of sand.
They also don't match the wall paint.
45. Avoid nipple punctures.
In this day of peircing ones body parts in the name of artistic expression, the nipple puncture is becoming an ever increasing curse upon our society. Nipple punctures can cause an awful mess on your shirt and also generally results in a near fatal loss of vital nipple fluids.
It is also environmentally inconsiderate, as a puncture releases toxic fluids usually stored inside the nipple cavity into the environment. This can result in an algae bloom around the aeola, and an awful congealing mess in your bellybutton.
46. Do not goad antelope into playing card games.
They cheat. A lot. So would you if you got chased by lions all day.
There is no more wasteful financial pastime than starting a game of poker in the middle of the African savannah.
Handy Holiday Tip : If you are holidaying with an antelope, don't bother going to Las Vegas. None of the casinos will let them in.
47. Do not inflate footballs in public.
The ability to inflate footballs is not one shared by all in the community. In fact, non-football blower upperers have been known to take violent action against football blower upperers when the football blower upperers flaunt their abilities in public, namely in the presence of non-football blower upperers.
48. Don't fill your doona with light bulbs.
When they are turned on in the middle of the night the light always shines in your eyes, even when you pull the doona over your head. This may result in manical behaviour in the ensuing days and result in you losing friends.
I heartily recommend filling your doona with cold pasta. If the doonas water proof, you can enjoy a healthy and filling midnight snack. If you do choose to have light bulbs instead, go for the party lights, they have a cooler effect and you can't see the blood of your friends when you eat them.
49. Don't try to fill your head with pastry.
It makes it hard to talk.
50. Starting again only makes you fuck up.
Just beleive me before I can't even type.
51. The number after 50 is ALWAYS 51.
See 50.
52. The edge of the brick is the most uncomfortable for your buttocks.
When seated in a well frequented stair area, attempt to firmly place your buttocks on the flat side of the brick. This will reduce the chances of an unsightly red scar that is impossible to explain in even the most passionate moments.
The wild brick is cushioned with a sproingy wool covering that tastes completely unlike bananas and is therefore harvested inorder to manufacture confectioneries, but under no circumstances should you attempt to sit on them, they bite.
53. Avoid staring down galahs while reversing your vehicle.
The galah is a wily character that frequently works in conjunction with poles inorder to cause wilful and undeserved damage upon unsuspecting vehicles.
They don't get any money for it, they think it's just plain funny.
54. Do not allow action figures to drive vehicles on your farm.
Sure, they may have bendable bits, but that doesn't mean they know how to use them. The action figurine will invariably attempt to enter the cow paddock through the shortest possible path. Usually this can result in moving through any intervening obstacles, including fences.
The most fun to watch is Action Ben, his superior tactical knowledge for a plastic figurine means he will at least try to use the rear of the selected assault vehicle.
55. The end of the world will always be signaled by the appearance of sea gulls indoors.
Seagulls know when there's trouble about. It is common salty sea dogs knowledge that a seagull always means trouble. The mariner knows that it is likely that the seagull will bring with it great perils, like it shitting on you. If their inside, they're shitting on the carpet, this can only mean trouble.....BIG trouble baby.
56. Keep some tissues handy while using a fork as a bladder control device.
If your anything like me, your nose will probably start running.
57. Riders of the Apocalypse should not be welcomed into your home.
You thought seagulls were bad. This is HUGE.
They always want chips and the seagulls have already eaten them. Besides, it is considered a social faux pas to have armageddon start in your home, especially if you haven't finished cleaning the carpet.
58. Always make sure you have ideas before you write them down.
Otherwise people....something.
59. Trees do not make good substitutes for blood hounds.
A small farming community in the central United States decided to replace their aging police dog with trees in the early 80's reasoning that "All the best man hunts happen in forests, the trees are already there." The idea was eventually abondoned, but only after many hours of expensive training and a vast replanting program engaged upon in the surrouning flatlands, when it was discovered that they contained the vast number of escape routes from the town. After this also failed to stop an ever increasing rate of crime, the town sheriff was forced to admit, "They just can't smell." When further questioned he also confessed that "All tests confirmed that a tree won't chase without a scent to follow."
The town later became a boom town for lumberjacks and, in the years after that, for the planting of potatoes. "They still don't chase," the sheriff said, "But theres always plenty of chips for the Apocolypse."
60. Toenails do not make good can openers.
The added dexterity provided by fingers make them much more useful and a big time saver in the kitchen.
61. Genitals should not be used as electrical insulation.
It's not that it's painful, they don't give very good insulating performance in the wet.
If you do choose to use them, it's always handy to have some gloves on hand, some rubber soled shoes and a trusty pair of pliers.
62. Do not allow ugg boots to rule your social life.
Ugg boots are fiercely protective when forced and can easily kill the unwary. If confronted by an enraged ugg boot, pelt it with lemons, specially aged for the purpose, and quickly hail a cab. If lemons are unavailable, or yours have not yet reached maturity, quickly put on your pyjamas as they have a soothing influence on ugg boots. If you are caught completely unawares, try biting your legs off, at least then you might get some sympathy.
63. Do not use rasberries for thinking music.
They do not usually allow sufficient time to form a completely evolved thought unless you are a particularly experienced rasberry blower.
64. If you cannot understand, it is more fun than it looks.
From the inventor of the wheely chair skiing simulator, it is.
65. Frogs do not make good debating opponents.
Their inflammatory tactics reduce an otherwise rational debate to an unruly shouting match in mere minutes. Hence the 1887 banning of amphibians in parliament, enflamed by the 'Great Amphibian Debacle' that occurred in Mauritius when they were unable to produce a single piece of legislation in 127 years of government. This ban was extended to all governmental positions in 1928 when the British Chief of Police was discovered to be a blustering axolotl, masquerading as a senior governmental official.
66. There aren't actually all that many words for snow.
The eskimos are having you on. If it isn't snow, it's something else.
67. Don't call your lychees Gordon.
It is stupid to name fruit. When the inevitable moment comes, and you want to eat your fruit, having an emotional attatchment only makes it harder.
68. Always have your home registered as a tourist attraction.
Then when you have your next party, your friends can follow the signs posted by local government thereby avoiding traffic chaos when erroneous "home made" signs direct cars past the proper entrance point.
69. When seeking a career, don't become a European nation.
There are too many already and there are wars starting everywhere. If you want real employment prospects and good pay, not to mention personal satisfaction in knowing that what you do is helping society and the future generations that will inhabit the Earth, try investing your time in being a polar ice cap. Their rarity only makes them more valuable, and the sex appeal....hhwhoooor.
70. Don't roll in lawn clippings.
Sure, it's fun at first, but by the time you've scratched yourself to death the enjoyment factor has taken a big dive. The concession has to be made though, that there a few joys that rival that impossible to get rid of smell and stray blades that get stuck in your underpants. I recommend an old recipe taught to me by the elders of Maidiguri while I was travelling the vast grass plains of the African savannah. First, smother yourself in fresh salmon, a precious, if rare, resource in central Africa, then cross your legs and sing famous show tunes of the seventies. The formula can be further enhanced by jumping in circles for twenty minutes, but this only works because you lose conciousness.
Although the freshest cuts are the best, even the best salmon can't stop the blades of a lawnmower. Use a trout instead.
71. Don't share a house with Earthworms.
They never pay the rent and they never do the dishes. They also tend to die on you after a couple of days above ground and you end up living in a mass grave.For some strange reason they tend to attract feral ugg boots.
72. Always set if you are a jelly.
Life as a sloppy jelly always makes for trouble during long voyages. Makes it hard to play shuffle board as you tend to slop yourself out of the bowl when you push on the stick. This results in tiring yourself out unnecesarily and then you can't swim with the dolphins. Besides dolphins love jelly - don't do this.
73. Don't staple gun your hand to your thigh.
Besides the obvious reasons of pain this is a very inefficient way to work your biceps. It results in a distinct shortening of all limbs involved, instead eat lots of toast.
74. Always leave yourself logged in.
This results in endless hours of fun for all your friends and you will be the conversation at all the parties for quite a while. Observe Exhibit A.
75. Having multiple bottles of alcohol and then screaming at frogs can be funny for your friends.
There are few things more entertaining than watching someone stumbling down dams in the dark declaring govermental policies.
76. Always be prepared when eating pieces of paper.
Paper is flavourless and thus they must be followed with a chaser of choc banana flavoured captain cool. Apart from this you never really know where it has been.
77. People who can't type cause excessive wear on keyborads.
78. Smurfs are good objects of war.
Their hats give them superior aerodynamic qualities and their blue colour makes them invisible to radar. Extensive studies have proven that you don't pick up sky on radar, therefore anything that is blue is invisible. Their skin was found to be extremely resistant to mustard gas, hence the common sight of troops in the First World War having smurfs strapped to their bodies while taking a leisurely stroll through the trenches of France.
79. Do not keep seal colonies in your toilet.
It is amazing how much your buttocks resemble a beach ball in the darkness of the toilet bowl. They also have the annoying habit of hiding under the rim, this results in difficulties when trying to turn the light on. If you insist on keeping seals in your toilet I recommend that you convert your fridge into a latrine. This way when you need to go the light will come on automatically allowing the seals to safely identify your lower bodily regions.
80. Don't queue with a canoe on your head.
This is especially true if you are at the front of a queue for a major event at a venue that has a front entrance. The number one cause for "Unplanned Riots and Public Levelling of Major Building Structures", according to Smash Hits magazine, is distress caused by watching someone block the entrance to a major event at a venue that has a front entrance through turning their head while walking through a doorway while wearing a canoe as a hat. Don't question my research....I'm a professional.
81. Always take yourself seriously.
Unneccesary silliness will cause a wasting of time and resources better used otherwise. e.g. the Pyramids, the Roman empire, NASA and the pursuit of science.....and hamsters.
82. Your body is not edible.
Despite the obvious desire of your mouth to occasionally devour portions of your lips and cheeks, your body is not a foodstuff. Years of fast food and TV dinners have caused the human body to evolve into a state where its nutritional value rarely exceeds that of a square of cheap polyester carpet. Nutritionists estimate that you would have to consume up to 147 fully grown men to meet all of your daily dietary requirements.
However, it should be noted that both toe jam and navel lint can be used to make a delicious creme brulee.
This list has been largely plagarised, without permission, from an original by Chris Hansen, an ex-student at Curtin. I have no idea where he is. Perhaps he failed to take some of his own advice.