The Superpowers of Freakboy

Greetings, unwashed and unworthy. I will now unleash the full power of my life story unto you, largely because if I don't, you will keep on bugging me until I do.

I was born a good half hour before time began. After being born, I fell into a delightful slumber, filled with dreams of faeries and nymphs and other things depicted by Renaissance portraiture. Suddenly, I was awoken by an almighty bang. I have been cranky ever since.

This crankiness has had 2 critical consequences. Firstly, I am accredited with inventing the 5 most offensive swear words in existence (*****, ****, ****-***-***-*************-**, Belgian, and Semprini). Secondly, as a result of the use of said swear words, I was cast out of a nice warm place filled with benificent people, into space, where I landed on a planet whose yellow sun gave me superpowers. Or was that superman? I forget.

Either way, I have a wide range of useful superpowers. I can cook 3 minute eggs in 2:15, and play Chopin's minute waltz in a blistering 47.12 seconds. I bend space and time with my mind. I often find entire new universes hiding in my navel lint. My presence attracts small furry creatures (the nice kind). I exude a musky scent which has been independently assessed as the most erotic substance in the universe.

I also lie with impunity.